戈特曼论沟通等婚姻谬论

    戈特曼（Gottman）是美国非常著名和杰出的婚姻咨询、治疗学者和专家，他说：关于婚姻问题，似乎很多人都掌握了幸福婚姻的秘诀，很多人都能说上几句，从电视里的心理学家到商场里的修甲师。不过，大部分意见，包括一些天才的心理学家的意见，都是错误的。

    戈特曼说：关于婚姻咨询和治疗最大的谬论是，很多人把沟通，特别是解决冲突，当作幸福婚姻的阳光大道；被普遍推介的冲突解决技术是积极倾听，说话者和倾听者交换角色；事实上，各类以冲突解决为基础的婚姻治疗的效果并不好，反弹率是非常高的。

    戈特曼说：其他一些重要的婚姻咨询、治疗的谬论是：

    神经质和个人问题必然破坏婚姻。

    共同兴趣使人们在一起。

    同时互帮互助。

    避免冲突会毁坏婚姻。

    婚外情是离婚的根源。

    男人总是花心的。

    男人女人来自不同星球。    

    戈特曼所指出的这些谬论，非常值得我们关注，因为这些谬论在中国满天飞。

    戈特曼开出的幸福婚姻的秘方是：夫妻应当彼此全面、透彻、深刻地了解，知晓各自的爱的地图（love map），并且应当有意地训练、培育彼此喜欢和敬重。

     但是，这些了解事项和训练事项极其细致、琐碎，有几百项，很难设想一般的夫妻会做到这些。看起来，过于细碎的幸福婚姻秘方可能是行不通的，缺乏实践性；可行的秘方应当是简明的、容易掌握和实行的。

关于戈特曼的观点请见其著作：幸福婚姻的七个原则 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert  John M. Gottman

What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.

They are able to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage.

Sometimes it seems that everybody holds the secret to guaranteeing endless love. But most of these notions, whether intoned by a psychologist on TV or by a wise manicurist at the local mall, are wrong.

Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication-and more specifically learning to resolve your conflicts-is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage.

The most common technique recommended for resolving conflict-used on one guise or another by most marital therapist-is called active listening. For example, listener-speaker exchange. 

The wide ranges of marital therapies based on conflict resolution share a very high relapse rate.

Even happily married couples can have screaming matches-loud arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage.

The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. What matters is how you deal with them. If you can accommodate each other strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.