Wentworth Miller 《越狱》主演: 温特沃斯·米勒

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Today I found myself the subject of an Internet meme. Not for the first time.

This one, however, stands out from the rest.

In 2010, semi-retired from acting, I was keeping a low-profile for a number of reasons.

First and foremost, I was suicidal.

This is a subject I've since written about, spoken about, shared about.

But at the time I suffered in silence. As so many do. The extent of my struggle known to very, very few.

Ashamed and in pain, I considered myself damaged goods. And the voices in my head urged me down the path to self-destruction. Not for the first time.

今天，我又一次发现自己成了网络流行恶搞对象。虽然这已经不是第一次了。

不过，这次与以往不同，真的戳到了我。

那是在2010年，我处于半隐退状态。保持低调有几点原因。

首先就是，我想自杀。

关于这个话题，我写过文章，发表过演讲，公开分享过。

但当时，我默默忍受。跟很多人一样。只有极少数人知道我那时是多么挣扎。

我感到羞耻与痛苦，觉得自己已经毁了。头脑里的声音将我趋向自我毁灭。这也不是第一次了。

I've struggled with depression since childhood. It's a battle that's cost me time, opportunities, relationships, and a thousand sleepless nights.

In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be.

And I put on weight. Big f--king deal.

我从小就受到抑郁症的困扰。与之奋战消耗了我的时间、机遇、情感关系，让我千夜无眠。

2010年，是我成年生涯的最低谷，我到处寻找缓解/慰藉/消遣。于是我爱上了美食。其实完全可能会是其它选择，药品、酒精、性。但“吃”成了唯一能让我有盼头的东西，可以帮我度过难关。有段日子，我一周中最高兴的时光就是享用一顿美食，追一集《顶级大厨》。有时这就足够了，有时不得不如此。

所以我就长胖了。这他妈的有什么大不了的?

One day, out for a hike in Los Angeles with a friend, we crossed paths with a film crew shooting a reality show. Unbeknownst to me, paparazzi were circling. They took my picture, and the photos were published alongside images of me from another time in my career. "Hunk To Chunk." "Fit To Flab." Etc.

My mother has one of those "friends" who's always the first to bring you bad news. They clipped one of these articles from a popular national magazine and mailed it to her. She called me, concerned.

In 2010, fighting for my mental health, it was the last thing I needed.

Long story short, I survived.

So do those pictures.

有一天，我跟朋友在洛杉矶登山，遇上拍真人秀。当时我不知道周围有狗仔。他们拍了我的照片，拿我演艺事业另一个时期的照片做对比，一起发布。标题党地写《帅哥变肥仔》、《好身材大走样》之类的。

我妈妈有一位那种“朋友”，总是第一时间为她带来坏消息。他们从全国流行的大杂志中剪下了一篇这样的新闻，还邮寄给我妈。她满怀忧虑地打电话给我。

在2010年，我正为我的精神健康拼命抗争，这是我最不需要的。

长话短说，我挺过来了。

而那些照片也留下来了。

I'm glad.

Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without.

Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.

Anyway. Still. Despite.

The first time I saw this meme pop up in my social media feed, I have to admit, it hurt to breathe. But as with everything in life, I get to assign meaning. And the meaning I assign to this/my image is Strength. Healing. Forgiveness.

Of myself and others.

其实我很高兴。

因为现在，每当看见这张穿红Tee，面带罕见笑容的照片，我就会想起那段挣扎。我面对内在、外在种种恶魔时的坚韧与坚强。

就像人行道石缝中钻出的蒲公英，我坚持挺立。

总之，不过，尽管如此，

第一次在自己的社交网络上看到这套流行恶搞图，必须承认，我连呼吸都感到疼痛。但正如生命中的一切，我要自己来决定它的意义。而我赋予这张/我的照片的意义是“坚强”、“治愈”、“原谅”。

原谅自己，原谅别人。

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Reach out. Text. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Someone cares. They're waiting to hear from you. Much love. - W.M.   

如果你或者你认识的人，也在挣扎之中，请记得有帮助可寻。请主动求救，发信息、发邮件，拿起电话。有人关心你。他们正等着听你倾诉。爱大家。--温特沃斯·米勒  #考拉 #内心活动家 #越过狱了

www.afsp.org
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
www.activeminds.org
www.thetrevorproject.org
www.iasp.info

www.facebook.com/notes/wentworth-miller/flour-or-wheat/1653559881523614