加载中…读书笔记--positive pushing（关于无条件的爱）
(2012-11-22 21:52:45)
标签：
育儿无条件的爱 |
分类： 读书笔记 |
我希望大家正确去理解无条件的爱，而不是只从字面上来理解。
positive pushing, by Jim Taylor, Ph.D.
这本书我两年多前读的，这个读书笔记和我们俱乐部的爸爸妈妈分享讨论的，今天拿出这个章节和大家分享。还有其它章节我写在
www.infantcute.com，里面一栏，推荐-->育儿书，有兴趣的读者可以去看。
Chapter 2, can’t you just love me for me? Bartering vs. giving love
60年代，整个社会从“love if you obey and behave” to “free love without limits”。这其实从一个极端走向另一个极端了。作者说，unconditional love不存在。问题不是父母有没有无条件的爱，而是父母常常用错了条件。You need to give your child unconditional love for achievements so that she will be free from the fear that you will not love her if she fails to meet your expectations. At the same time, you should make your love conditional on whether your child adopts and acts positive and life-affirming value.
Red flag#1: conditional love
如果父母将爱当作武器，视孩子的成功与否来定，就不能培养出successful and happy 的孩子。这种有条件的爱叫outcome love。
孩子成功，父母高兴；孩子失败，父母也难过，这是人之常情；但是孩子并没有成熟到能够理解父母这是同理心的表现。孩子只是感觉到当他成功时父母强烈的正面情绪，失败时强烈的负面情绪。虽然这些父母是无意的，但是对孩子造成同样的困难。
作者讲了一个例子，david，13岁，和妈妈一起去比赛。每次比得好，妈妈让他自己给爸爸汇报好成绩，然后去买special的东西。比得不好，妈妈自己给爸爸打电话，报告坏消息。最后孩子quit skating了。
Red flag#2: dangling-carrot love
父母的爱触手可及，但是被held住，永远够不到。
就像孩子拿回家考卷，93分，你责怪他为什么错了一道题。
Red flag#3: creating a human doing
前两种 conditional love让孩子变成了a human doing in which how she feels about herself is overly connected with her accomplishments。这些人只在成功的时候爱自己，失败的时候谴责自己。也许他们也能做到一定成绩，但是他们的内心并不快乐。
并且他们不仅在大事上要求自己成功，小事也不放过。作者说他有个病人，要求自己刷牙100%完美。有些人wake up with a list of tasks，不完成这些事情就不快乐。
人生有成功有失败，可以说，失败是人生的一部分，不可避免。但是对有些孩子来说，失败是不可接受的，并且是巨大痛苦的来源，认为自己没有价值。
最后一句话很有意思：他们觉得必须成功才会快乐，但恰恰是这些人，成功了也不会感到快乐。
Red flag#4: unhealthy parental expectations
很多人一辈子都觉得歉疚因为他们达不到父母的期望。作者说，父母要分清goals and expectations的区别。
Goals are possibilities. They are objectives which children can strive that may or may not be reached. 孩子达到了，会很高兴；达不到，也没关系，这个过程让他们感到充实。
Expectations are assumptions that something will be achieved。这种概念让孩子觉得，有时候没有达到期望，就好像到手的鸭子飞掉一样，无比失望。
父母经常用错期望。你可以期望孩子诚实、勤奋、有责任，这种期望和你期望孩子进yale，或者每次考试都得A，是完全不同的。
父母还犯的错误是：对某些孩子不能控制的事情期望很高。An ability expectation: “you will do well in the chess match because you are smart”. An outcome expectation: “I know you will win”.
父母的不健康期望还往往会被孩子内化，孩子自己也建立不健康的期望，这叫heir apparent syndrome。作者举例，通常一个家族的老大会有这种压力。
Red flag#5: unhealthy praise and punishment
这个在这篇博客文章里已经详细解释了，http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_653954530101b0yi.html
Red flag#6: being a bottom-line parent
Bottom-line parents treat their children like little employees. These parents expect their children to produce in the form of achievement and
success. If the desired results do not occur, these bosses show their displeasure and their children may perceive that their parents will fire
them.
Red flag#7: creating a unidimensional child
A child’s identity is comprised of all of the people, things and experiences that provide a sense of worth and meaning. A unidimentsional
identity is one that is predominantly invested in a single area.
If your child develops few sources of validations, she can become overly invested in her special activity and become too dependent on it for how she feels bout herself.
You provide your child with opportunities to gain competence, enjoyment, meaning, and validation in areas outside of his primary achievement activity.
Red flag#8: perfectionism
Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. Healthy perfectionists have high expectations, yet also show the ability to be flexible, adapt and accept
less precision when needed.
（不好的完美主义者就不多说了。）
（要说人家怎么是心理学家呢，把咱平常人懂的道理一二三四五，展开说，拉直说，翻来覆去说，太厉害了。）
Giving healthy love
父母要用value love, in which love is conditional on your child’s adopting essential values and acting in socially appropriate and ethical ways.
这样使用爱，孩子会把value等等内化为自己的values.
Your goal is to raise your child to be a human being. 接受和理解没有人是完美的，失败是无法避免的和可以接受的。
Achieving as a human being is different from achieving as a human doing: your child’s efforts are imbued with who he is and what he values. They connect passions and commitment to their efforts.
Healthy parental expectation
You should be tough on your child! （原文如此，还有一个惊叹号，哈哈。）
Being tough means holding your child to high standards that reflect your values and beliefs about yourself, family, education, career and society.
对比一下：“考A很重要，考不到A我们会很失望，也许我们高估了你的能力。”“好成绩很重要，因为你自己很想进好大学。用功一点，我们做你的后盾。”
等孩子渐渐大了，我们设期望可以少一点，孩子自己渐渐可以给自己设期望。多问问孩子为什么他要这么做，什么是他想要的。
我们只设孩子能控制的期望，effort expectations. 如果孩子达到期望，他知道努力和结果的关系。没达到期望，学习到教训，下次再努力点。
Value expectations: 诚实、责任感、勤奋等等，这些是孩子可以控制的。
家长要清楚地表达自己的期望以及达到/达不到的后果。后果必须是meaningful /reasonable/firmly and consistently.
单单有期望还不够，家长还必须提供条件和引导：孩子必须具备的能力\skills, 通常是psychological and emotional, etc.
Healthy praise and punishment
(写不动了)
Strive for excellence
Excellence: Being successful most of time
第二章结束。
[如要转载，请注明www.infantcute.com]
读书笔记--positive
pushing（关于无条件的爱）
by 陈忻
by 陈忻
positive pushing, by Jim Taylor, Ph.D.
这本书我两年多前读的，这个读书笔记和我们俱乐部的爸爸妈妈分享讨论的，今天拿出这个章节和大家分享。还有其它章节我写在
www.infantcute.com，里面一栏，推荐-->育儿书，有兴趣的读者可以去看。
Chapter 2, can’t you just love me for me? Bartering vs. giving love
60年代，整个社会从“love if you obey and behave” to “free love without limits”。这其实从一个极端走向另一个极端了。作者说，unconditional love不存在。问题不是父母有没有无条件的爱，而是父母常常用错了条件。You need to give your child unconditional love for achievements so that she will be free from the fear that you will not love her if she fails to meet your expectations. At the same time, you should make your love conditional on whether your child adopts and acts positive and life-affirming value.
Red flag#1: conditional love
如果父母将爱当作武器，视孩子的成功与否来定，就不能培养出successful and happy 的孩子。这种有条件的爱叫outcome love。
孩子成功，父母高兴；孩子失败，父母也难过，这是人之常情；但是孩子并没有成熟到能够理解父母这是同理心的表现。孩子只是感觉到当他成功时父母强烈的正面情绪，失败时强烈的负面情绪。虽然这些父母是无意的，但是对孩子造成同样的困难。
作者讲了一个例子，david，13岁，和妈妈一起去比赛。每次比得好，妈妈让他自己给爸爸汇报好成绩，然后去买special的东西。比得不好，妈妈自己给爸爸打电话，报告坏消息。最后孩子quit skating了。
Red flag#2: dangling-carrot love
父母的爱触手可及，但是被held住，永远够不到。
就像孩子拿回家考卷，93分，你责怪他为什么错了一道题。
Red flag#3: creating a human doing
前两种 conditional love让孩子变成了a human doing in which how she feels about herself is overly connected with her accomplishments。这些人只在成功的时候爱自己，失败的时候谴责自己。也许他们也能做到一定成绩，但是他们的内心并不快乐。
并且他们不仅在大事上要求自己成功，小事也不放过。作者说他有个病人，要求自己刷牙100%完美。有些人wake up with a list of tasks，不完成这些事情就不快乐。
人生有成功有失败，可以说，失败是人生的一部分，不可避免。但是对有些孩子来说，失败是不可接受的，并且是巨大痛苦的来源，认为自己没有价值。
最后一句话很有意思：他们觉得必须成功才会快乐，但恰恰是这些人，成功了也不会感到快乐。
Red flag#4: unhealthy parental expectations
很多人一辈子都觉得歉疚因为他们达不到父母的期望。作者说，父母要分清goals and expectations的区别。
Goals are possibilities. They are objectives which children can strive that may or may not be reached. 孩子达到了，会很高兴；达不到，也没关系，这个过程让他们感到充实。
Expectations are assumptions that something will be achieved。这种概念让孩子觉得，有时候没有达到期望，就好像到手的鸭子飞掉一样，无比失望。
父母经常用错期望。你可以期望孩子诚实、勤奋、有责任，这种期望和你期望孩子进yale，或者每次考试都得A，是完全不同的。
父母还犯的错误是：对某些孩子不能控制的事情期望很高。An ability expectation: “you will do well in the chess match because you are smart”. An outcome expectation: “I know you will win”.
父母的不健康期望还往往会被孩子内化，孩子自己也建立不健康的期望，这叫heir apparent syndrome。作者举例，通常一个家族的老大会有这种压力。
Red flag#5: unhealthy praise and punishment
这个在这篇博客文章里已经详细解释了，http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_653954530101b0yi.html
Red flag#6: being a bottom-line parent
Bottom-line parents treat their children like little employees. These parents expect their children to produce in the form of achievement and
success. If the desired results do not occur, these bosses show their displeasure and their children may perceive that their parents will fire
them.
Red flag#7: creating a unidimensional child
A child’s identity is comprised of all of the people, things and experiences that provide a sense of worth and meaning. A unidimentsional
identity is one that is predominantly invested in a single area.
If your child develops few sources of validations, she can become overly invested in her special activity and become too dependent on it for how she feels bout herself.
You provide your child with opportunities to gain competence, enjoyment, meaning, and validation in areas outside of his primary achievement activity.
Red flag#8: perfectionism
Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. Healthy perfectionists have high expectations, yet also show the ability to be flexible, adapt and accept
less precision when needed.
（不好的完美主义者就不多说了。）
（要说人家怎么是心理学家呢，把咱平常人懂的道理一二三四五，展开说，拉直说，翻来覆去说，太厉害了。）
Giving healthy love
父母要用value love, in which love is conditional on your child’s adopting essential values and acting in socially appropriate and ethical ways.
这样使用爱，孩子会把value等等内化为自己的values.
Your goal is to raise your child to be a human being. 接受和理解没有人是完美的，失败是无法避免的和可以接受的。
Achieving as a human being is different from achieving as a human doing: your child’s efforts are imbued with who he is and what he values. They connect passions and commitment to their efforts.
Healthy parental expectation
You should be tough on your child! （原文如此，还有一个惊叹号，哈哈。）
Being tough means holding your child to high standards that reflect your values and beliefs about yourself, family, education, career and society.
对比一下：“考A很重要，考不到A我们会很失望，也许我们高估了你的能力。”“好成绩很重要，因为你自己很想进好大学。用功一点，我们做你的后盾。”
等孩子渐渐大了，我们设期望可以少一点，孩子自己渐渐可以给自己设期望。多问问孩子为什么他要这么做，什么是他想要的。
我们只设孩子能控制的期望，effort expectations. 如果孩子达到期望，他知道努力和结果的关系。没达到期望，学习到教训，下次再努力点。
Value expectations: 诚实、责任感、勤奋等等，这些是孩子可以控制的。
家长要清楚地表达自己的期望以及达到/达不到的后果。后果必须是meaningful /reasonable/firmly and consistently.
单单有期望还不够，家长还必须提供条件和引导：孩子必须具备的能力\skills, 通常是psychological and emotional, etc.
Healthy praise and punishment
(写不动了)
Strive for excellence
Excellence: Being successful most of time
第二章结束。
[如要转载，请注明www.infantcute.com]
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