《你译我改》
朋友,读了此文,尚未独游过的你,也许会实践一下独游。已经独游过的你,也许能在独游中享受更多游趣哦!
独游之乐
(2/2)
I cannot
see the wit of walking and talking at the same time. When I am in
the country, I wish to vegetate like the country. I am not for
criticizing hedgerows and black cattle. I go out of town in order
to forget the town and all that is in it. There are those who for
this purpose go to watering places, and carry the metropolis with
them. I like more elbow-room, and fewer incumbrances. I like
solitude, when I give myself up to it, for the sake of solitude;
nor do ask for
“—— a
friend in my retreat,
Whom I
may whisper solitude is sweet.”
原译:我不懂边走边谈有何妙处。到了乡下,我就希望过乡下简单的生活,我来这里并非是评论绿篱与黑牛。我走出城市恰恰是为了忘掉城市,以及那里的一切。有人为了这个目的而去湖畔水滨,却把整个都市也都携带了去。我要的是宽绰余裕,而不是拖累障碍。我性耽幽寂,而我委身这样做时,并无它求;我并不希冀
隐居之中,得一友人,
相与窃议孤独之乐。
小析:
上段末尾出现了两个solitude,由此可见,作者似乎喜欢使用重复修辞。翻译最好能挽留其重复。上文已经出现了“我孤单一人却丝毫不觉孤独”,故不宜再以“孤独”译solitude。
改译:我不懂一边行走,一边交谈,妙处何在。来到野外,我就希望过野外简单的生活,来到野外,并非为评点绿篱与黑牛。走出城市,是为了忘却城市,以及城市的一切。有这样一些人,他们为此目的而来到河滨湖畔,却背负着整个城市。我需要的是更宽裕的空间,更少的累赘阻碍。我爱幽静独处,而我委身此地,就是为了幽静独处,并不为了寻求
----
隐居之中,得一友人,
相与窃议孤独之乐。
The soul
of journey is liberty, perfect liberty, to think, feel, do just as
one pleases. We go a journey chiefly to be free of all impediments
and of all inconveniences; to leave ourselves behind, much more to
get rid of others. It is because I want a little breath-spaces to
muse on indifferent matters, where Contemplation
“May
plume her feathers and let grow her wings,
that in
the various bustle of resort
Were all
too ruffled, and sometimes impair’d,”
that I
absent myself from the town for a while, without feeling at a loss
the moment I am left by myself.
原译:须知出游之妙处,端在自由,纯粹的自由,以便思想、感觉、行动,一称心意。我们之所以出游,主要在于摆脱一切障碍,一切不便,在于置自我于脑后,更在于甩掉他人。正是我渴望稍有余暇来默想种种非切身的问题,而这时思想也
势将丰其羽毛,奋其羽翼,
而以前出没喧嚣栖息之所,
备受滋扰,甚至损害,
我才向城市辞别一个时期,而一旦悠然一身,也从无若有所失之感。
小析:
1/ The
soul of journey is
liberty中的soul被译成“妙处”,有点“大词小译”。这个soul确实很妙,是否能维系原有模糊,直译“魂”?
2/ to
think, feel, do just as one
pleases是漂亮的parallelism(平行结构),汉译能挽留;
3/ It is
because…属强调结构,原译则轻描淡写;
4/
breath-spaces表达形象,翻译应考虑挽留;
5/
以“悠然一身”译I am left by myself,把握欠准,原句强调的是left by
myself!
改译:出游之魂,在于自由,完全的自由。想你所爱想,感你所想感,为你所乐为。我们出游,主要是为了摆脱一切羁绊,摆脱一切麻烦,置自我于脑后,更是为了摆脱他人。那是因为我渴望得到一点自由呼吸的空间,去沉思一些无关紧要的事情。而此时的沉思也
------
势将丰其羽毛,奋其羽翼,
而以前出没喧嚣栖息之所,
备受滋扰,甚至损害,
我才暂别城市,一旦独处,却无怅然若失之感。
Instead
of a friend in a post-chaise or in a Tilbury, to exchange good
things with, and vary the same stale topics over again, for once
let me have a truce with impertinence. Give me the clear blue sky
over my head, and the green turf beneath my feet, a winding road
before me, and a three hours' march to dinner -- and then to
thinking! It is hard if I cannot start some game on these lone
heaths. I laugh, I run, I leap, I sing for joy.
原译:这时既没有与马车上的友人相互絮叨佳肴美味之烦——往往这一陈旧题目可以变着样地喋喋不休,我乃能暂免冒失之举。这时但愿我能够:头上有蔚蓝之晴天,脚下有碧绿的草地,前面一条幽静,曲曲折折,以及赶上三个小时的路程前去进餐,等等——然后便是去驰骋想象!我一定能够在那寂静的草原上尽情玩乐。我一定会在那里笑、跑、跳、唱,满心欢喜。……
小析:
1/ in a
post-chaise or in a
Tilbury分别为邮递马车和二轮轻便车,翻译不宜浓缩;
2/
以“驰骋想象”译then to
thinking,略显偏废,thinking为上义,“想象”则为下义;
3/ It is
hard if I cannot start some game on these lone
heaths.此句含
暗否定与明否定,口吻强烈,原译理解无误,口吻表现不足。此句中的hard的含义应该是“difficult
to endure / 难以忍受的”(参见《美国传统词典》)
改译:此时,既不必与邮递马车或二轮轻便马车上的一位友人絮聒美食,也不必旧话重提,喋喋不休,终于可以让我不必无礼地提出“暂停”。但愿头上有一片蓝天,脚下有一片绿草,眼前有一条蜿蜒的小道,走三个小时的路,前去进餐。接着,便是思考!假如我不能在这寂寞的荒野开始我的嬉戏,那将多么难受。现在,我笑、我奔、我跳、我因欢乐而歌唱。