147、William’s Wonderful Endeavours Into Being a Chinese Teacher

(Seriously)

我的疯狂英语

Okay, I’ll be frank. I’ve always wanted a job, badly. Unfortunately, the recent economical fiasco have messed up everything, including my chances of earning some cash and transform my social status from a kid feeding off my parents to that of a delinquent teenager desperately trying to stay alive by himself by feeding on potatoes 24/7.

老实讲，我一直很想找一个称职的工作。非常想。只不过现在新西兰的经济条件不太好，把我找工作的机会都弄没了。虽然说我现在跟我的父母亲过的安安稳稳，我还是很想过一过自己梦想中的生活，那就是自己干活丰衣足食，虽然说有可能穷到叮当响，每天只能吃吃土豆。

I looked everywhere, honest. At first, I was looking for some sort of office job. Something like a portrait artist, or a magazine editor, or a junior design architect. When those options didn’t work out, I turned to part-time jobs being a cashier. Next thing you know, I’ll be a receptionist at a brothel.

我为了这份工作找了很长很长时间。一开始， 我本来想找一个’part-time’的办公室工作，或者找一份画肖像的工作，或者当一个业余设计师也可以！但是，这些工作完全不适合我，或者是说，没有人会相信一个十七岁的年轻人会干些什么。让我万万想不到的是，我连一个收银员的职位都找不到！

None of them really worked out, much to my displeasure. And there I was, my head slumped to one side as my eyes (filled with hopelessness) desperately searched the computer screen for that one ‘Job Vacancy’ button, to no avail. I was sure that there’s no way I’m going to get a part-time job and show my parents I can go home with that $12.50/per hour wage with a proud grin on my face.

在这里，适合我的工作实在是太难找了。我绝望了。新西兰的就业率高的难以置信，难道真的就没有一份工作吗？难道我真的找不到一份可以让我挣点小钱的工作吗？这下完了。

I was wrong. As usual.

当然，命运总归会照顾我这种可怜人。

It was on that faithful afternoon when I saw a section on the school bulletins (and to think that I almost never read them) about home tutoring. It’s a part-time, once-a-week job. And guess what the guy has to do to lay his hands on the cash?

那天下午， 我在学校的每日通讯上看到了一条启事，激起我极大的兴趣（那天真的好奇怪，我本来是很少读校园启事的）。居然有人在找一个家教！一个星期一次，part-time。

He has to teach a little girl how to speak Chinese.

而且这还是一个中文家教。

It was, literally, a dream come true. I don’t even need a qualification for this. Little girls are easy to teach, lessons only last about 45 minutes, and she lives nearby as well.

我简直不敢相信自己的眼睛。我连一个专业证书都不需要我就可以当一个教师了！而且我只需要教一个小女孩，每次上课时间只有四十五分钟，她住的还离我家很近。

Not exactly an ‘awesome job’ by any means, but it’s a start. When I got home, the first thing I did was to ring up the number.

虽然这还算不上那种真正意义上的‘梦幻工作’，但这毕竟是一个好的开头。那天我回家干的第一件事便是打通那个电话。

“Hey...may I speak to…”

“你好。。。我想找。。。”

“Oh are you the Chinese tutor?” (I was surprised how she could instantly tell that I’m the guy envying for the job. Maybe it was because I had this desperateness in my voice that was hard to rub off. Or maybe there was something else that she wants to hide…)

“哦，你是那个中文老师，对吧？”（很奇怪，她母亲居然以很快就辨别了出来我的声音。不过也有可能我讲话的时候有一些结巴，她随即听出来了我的焦虑。）

“Yeah, I am. Sorta interested in… the job that you…er….put up…in….”

“嗯，我对你的在我们学校。。。学校登的广告很有兴趣。。。”

“Sure, sure, sure! How does this Friday sound?”

“那太好了！这个星期五怎么样？”

“G-Great,” I replied.

“嗯，挺好。”

Little did I know that my ‘dream job’ on that Friday afternoon was going to turn into a nightmare. A complete nightmare.

我万万没想到，我所期待已久的工作却成了一场噩梦。

* * *

I think I really did a lot of preparation for this. I brought a couple of pens (in case one ran out), a folder to put all the stuff, even a dictionary in case I come across a word I can’t spell. I was actually really hoping to teach the little girl some Chinese, even though I have absolutely no experience in teaching anyone and I am basically here for the 10 dollars an hour. Not much, but goddammit it’s a start (10 dollars get you two sack potatoes at Taipin Supermart, whatta deal!)

我为了这堂中文课作了不少的准备。我带了几支笔，一个书夹，还带了一本汉英字典（主要是因为我有不少中文字忘了写）。那天我还真的以为我能真的正儿八经教教中文了，虽然说我从来没有当过教师。我是为了蹭钱而来的（每小时薪水为人民币五十块钱）。虽然说钱没多少，但是够买两袋土豆的。

When I walked inside, the mother eyed me from head-to-toe. She’s examining me, to see if I’m either a normal, super-obedient Asian student from Edgewater College (even though ‘obedience’ and ‘Edgewater’ hardly match) or a paedo (I’m not a paedo). Wow, that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it? I actually showered for god’s sake.

我给她母亲打了一声招呼。不出所料，她的母亲先把我打量了一番，看我有没有那个教师样，看起来像不像那种典型的中国学生（那种中国学生看起来真是令人厌烦）。幸亏那天我还洗了一个澡，勉强通过了第一门考试。

Whelp, I’ll be honest, even if I am a paedo (which I’m not) I would mostly get turned off by my student. She’s this little girl (seven, I think), really cute (in an annoying sort of way), really smart (she actually swears) and is basically a bit of a hyperactive psycho. You’ve got to be kidding me. Dealing with a maniac like her? It’s like Graphics all over again!

老实说，我的这个学生绝对不是喜欢学习的料子。她是一个七岁小女孩，可是不是那种小说上描写的那种天真灿烂的那种小女孩，而是那种有一点讨厌，可是又谈不上厌烦的小孩子。她看起来还算有一点点可爱，但是她有一点早熟，从她的嘴里能够听到一些从一个普通的七岁小女孩听不到的东西。这完了，我得给一个小疯子上课！

I took out my folder, my dictionary and my pen. Trying to look like a sophisticated guy who knows his stuff, whereas he’s just a renegade Asian at Edgewater who swears far too much (in his spare time). In any case, I was a try-hard, at its worst. I asked her mum about what scenario she’s in right now, and subsequently my worst fears were confirmed. She’s basically un-teachable. Well, not un-teachable, just that there isn’t a teacher out there who can deal with her maniacal behaviour for longer than 5 minutes. Worst of all, her mum’s going to sit at the same table for the whole time.

算了，将就将就计吧。我现在只能装了，而且还有装成一个有着丰富中文教学经验的老师。事实上，这个‘有着丰富中文教学经验’的中国学生只是一个不学无术的普通学生而已（而且我本来在学校就学不到什么东西）。她的母亲告诉我，她想为她的女儿找一个中文辅导（也就是我啦）。小女孩已经在上中文班了，我只是当一个辅导而已（这样最好）。

“Hey William, what’s this?” said the little girl. Okay, she’s called Cayla. She has this really sweet, succubus-like voice. Put that together with a really ‘evil’ grin and you’ve got the best student a teacher can ever ask for.

“威廉，这是什么东西？”小女孩很喜欢讲话。她还不知道字典是什么东西呢！对了，她的名字叫做Cayla。她的声音听起来很天真，不过笑起来有一点吓人。她可真是我的梦幻学生啊！

“That…is…um…a dictionary….”

“这是一本字典。”

And just as I was about to flip through the dictionary to show her what on earth it was, she snatched the pen away from me, giggled and ran into the kitchen. It took just two minutes for my lesson plans to get ruined.

当我正准备翻字典，给她看字典是什么东西的事后，她居然从我的手中吧我的笔给拿走了，跑到厨房里去了！我的天哪，我的课居然上了两分钟就上成这样了。

‘That’s it’. I thought to myself. If there’s no way I’m going to teach her Chinese, I might as well have some fun with it (for the last time, I’m not a paedophile). I’m going to make her enjoy my company. I asked her mum to pour us some water. While she was in the kitchen, I lunged forward with my plan.

算了。看来我是教不了她了，不过既然到了这里，我还是把这堂课糊弄过去吧！在她母亲给我们倒水的时候，我展开了我的‘复仇计划’。

“Hey Cayla?” I said with a big, evil grin on my face.

“Cayla,我有话跟你说。”

“Yea.” She turned back. My pen’s still in her hand.

“嗯”她居然还转过来，认认真真听我讲话。

“You’re ugly.”

“你长得好丑。”

It was on that exact moment when the innocent smile on her face disappeared. I’ve just managed to erase part of her childhood, replaced by the horrific memories of an Asian guy calling a little girl that she looks like a bloody chimp. She looked back at me, stared at me for a fraction of a second, walked towards the table and gave me a firm jab in the oesophagus.

她脸上天真灿烂的笑容没了。她的童年的一部分被我弄没了，而取代她的那一块童年记忆的人居然是一个到她家蹭钱（以后我还到她家蹭吃蹭喝呢，不过这是后话）的中国人。她冲过来，那我的笔，往我的肚皮狠狠的戳了一下。

Oww.

好疼。

We had a lot of fun that day. She drew me a portrait (I was wearing a pink dress with hearts on it) and wrote my name on her book (William = Poo). She tossed around with my pens, asked me why I don’t have a girlfriend and gave me one of the most disturbing jiggle dances I’ve seen in my life. In return, I gave her a funny face every time she did something outrageous, which was, like, every second. She actually laughed at things I say and we were giggling a lot (even though she was only person who was genuinely laughing).

那天非常的欢乐。她给我画了一张肖像（我穿了一条花色的裙子），还在她的本子上写上了我的名字（威廉=屎）。她不断在玩我的笔，还问我为什么没有女朋友，还给我献了一段Jiggle舞。不过，我的戏也演到了位，我的鬼脸做的惟妙惟肖，她的肚皮都快笑爆了（我的朋友从来没有觉得我的鬼脸有什么好笑）。

Oh that, and Chinese.

对了， 我还教了一点中文。

At the end of the 1 hour ordeal, the mum gave me a ten dollar note to pay for my services as a Chinese tutor. Oh wait, I almost forgot I had to be a babysitter as well. The mum was actually surprisingly happy with my ‘tutoring’ and asked if ‘I wanted to come back next week’.

一个钟头的中文课终于上完了。她的妈妈给我了一张十块钱的钞票。她非常感谢我的‘专业教学’，还说我这个人非常有耐心。她好像还挺满意的，还问我下个星期要不要来。

And guess what, I did. Turns out it wasn’t that bad after all. All I had to do was make funny faces and she would laugh, then she would think that I’m not some sort of squinty-eyed monster and actually listen to me for once (her mum commended on how much patience I have, and that I can actually make her listen to me). Plus the weekly drawing contest is always fun. Oh and we tell each other the stories of our lives (her ones actually sound far better than mine). The money is nice, but that’s not the point. Not only am I getting valuable work experience as some sort of early-childhood guy, but I’m also expanding my patience-o-meter. Just wonderful. She actually said to me that ‘I don’t hate you. But I don’t like you either.’

我还就去了！事实上，给她上课还算不错。事实上，我做一些鬼脸就行了，只要让她不要认为我是什么讨厌的中国人就可以（她的母亲说我这个人很有耐心，说Cayla只听我的话）。我们每次上课都要画画，而且是要画那种叙事画（她的人生故事比我的要好听多了）。虽然说薪水还算可以，但是我到这里毕竟不是为了拿几块钱，而是为了蹭工作经验。Cayla还说过她‘并不讨厌我’。我听到了非常高兴。

Oh, how wonderful. Too bad she ran away with my pen again.

啊，太好了。只是我的笔又不见了。