【写作原文】

考研英语真题彻底细解《考研真相》之2011年“旅程之余”话题读者写作练习

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    How impressive the picture is in describing one of the most wide-spread social phenomena concerning environment and development. As is truely demonstrated in the drawing above, two children sitting at the edge of the boat are throwing the rubbish into the sea which is full of bottles, cans, shoes and so on. However, the boatman is still pulling the boat regardless of their behaviors. There is a line of words below the picture, saying "reminder of travel".

   It is the immoral behavior that leads to environment pollution. With the steady growth in the country's economy as well as the people's living standards, environment protection has become a common and serious problem in our social life.

   There are some possible reasons accounting for this phenomenon. Lack of awareness of environment protection is usually the first to be considered, but it is not the most important. The dramatically significant is that the power of supervision and protection is not sufficiency.

   We should take immediate measures, for if the present situation continues as before, serious outcome will come up. First of all, the government should propagandize to arouse public awareness of environment protection. In the second place, the supervisior should take effective measures to prevent the problem from happening again. Finally, destracting environment should be banned by law. What a harmous society will be if our environment would resore fresh!

【范文点评】

【第一段点评】

    ①How impressive the picture is in describing one of the most wide-spread social phenomena concerning environment and development.②As is truely demonstrated in the drawingabove,two children sitting at the edge of the boat are throwing the rubbish into the sea which is full of bottles,cans,shoes and so on.③However,the boatman is still pulling the boat regardless of their behaviors.④There is a line of words below the picture,saying"reminder of travel".

首段描述漫画内容：游客不断向水中抛洒垃圾，使景区脏污不堪，而乘船者对此熟视无睹。这一段的内容过多，导致整篇作文的字数超出了规定的160——200字。一般首段对漫画内容进行简单明了的陈述即可，应将论述重点放在文章中间的段落。

①句how impressive the picture is是一个感叹句的结构，但是后面添加的部分削弱了感叹句简短明确的特点，搭配的不合适。建议将前面的感叹句换为一般句式与后面的部分连用，或者保留感叹句，后面的部分单独改为一个完整的句子。

②句truly拼写错误。

【第二段点评】

   ①It is the immoral behavior that leads to environment pollution.②With the steady growth in the country's economy as well as the people's living standards,environment protection has become a common and serious problem in our social life.

二段总结漫画，联系现实，呼吁人们重视环境保护的问题。应将这一段与第三段合为一段，使内容更加充实紧凑，也符合考研英语写作一般的三段式结构。

②句介词in改为of，表示“经济与生活标准的稳步增长”。

③句problem通常表示“棘手的问题；难题；困难”，带有一定的贬义，而environment protection是没有感情色彩的中性词组，因此二者不能搭配，建议将problem替换为issue，表示“重要议题”。

【第三段点评】

   ①There are some possible reasons accounting for this phenomenon.②Lack of awareness of environment protection is usually the first to be considered,but it is not the most important.③The dramatically significant is that the power of supervision and protection is not sufficiency.

第三段从多方面分析了出现环境污染问题的原因。这是作文的中心段落，内容一定要全面而且有一定的深度，但是这里分析的力度略显单薄，在提到两点原因时使用了比较手法，这在无形中削弱了第一点的重要性和整体的全面性，而且对各个原因的内容没有进行适度扩展，会影响作文的思考性。

②句的first和③句的significant缺少宾语，句子不完整，应加上“one”，“element”，“reason”等词语将句子成分补充完整。

【第四段点评】

   ①We should take immediate measures,for if the present situation continues as before,serious outcome will come up.②First of all,the government should propagandize to arouse public awareness of environment protection.③In the second place,the supervisior should take effective measures to prevent the problem from happening again.④Finally,destracting environment should be banned by law.⑤What a harmous society will be if our environment would resore fresh!

末段总结全文，提出治理环境污染的措施，再次点题。该段作为文章的结尾可适当缩减字数，上一段言简意赅分析原因的描述手法适用于本段。

③句supervisor，⑤句harmonious，restore拼写错误。

④句destracting为拼写错误，此处表达的应是destroying“破坏” 的意思。同时要将句子成分补充完整，改为the behavior of destroying environment should be banned…“破坏环境的行为应该被禁止”才对。

【整体点评】

作文对漫画的理解到位，写作思路紧扣主题，有些短语句式的表达也不错，基本能够传达清楚作者的写作意图，但在以下几方面还需注意：

1.书写格式。英文书写格式是标点前不空格，标点后空一格。

2.细节问题。作文中有几处比较明显的拼写错误。

3.语法问题。个别句子从汉语角度看意思通顺，仔细分析其实句子成分不完整，不符合英语表达方式。

4.结构问题。一般的考研英语话题写作采用的是三段式结构，首段描写漫画内容，二段结合现实情况，分析现象出现的原因或产生的影响，末段提出解决措施，再次点题。在篇幅上则要采用两头小中间大的“橄榄形”结构，第二段的描述要充实全面，一三段简单说明即可。这是考研英语写作要遵循的基本框架结构，在写作时对这些不要有太大的变动。

综上所述，在写作时一定要养成检查的好习惯，对段落的框架、词汇的使用、句子的逻辑性和前后关系都要仔细检查，从中尽可能多的消灭掉错误，避免不必要的失分。同时要注意对字数的控制，分配好各个段落的描述比重，在规定的字数内突出重点，适当扩展。

若要提高句子和整个文章的质量，还是要多进行写作练习。在使用《写作160篇》的过程中，注重从经典必备中积累掌握好词好句的用法，最好能利用长难句图解的方法对经典的句型结构进行分析理解，巩固基础的语法知识。在重点预测中除了写作素材的积累，还要加强对话题的思考，拓展自己的思维，从思想上提高作文的含金量。

最后需要说明的是，作文的练习和真题的复习思路有一点是一样的，就是要“精读细读”。对每一篇作文和点评来说，一定要先从中认识到自己的优势与不足，了解自己在哪些方面需要提高、怎样提高，最大限度地吸取到经验教训之后再开始新的练习，这样才能有效改正自己的错误，而不是盲目地“以量取胜”，这样既花费了大量的时间，也不能高效地从做过的练习中学到东西，只会起到适得其反的效果。因此，作文的练习不可急躁跃进，只要能保证从每篇的练习中可以发现不足，改正不足，也一定可以取得有效的提高。

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