SHERLOCK HOLMES

    Season TWO NO.1

 

 

 PREVIOUSLY

SHERLOCK: Who are you?

MORIARTY: Jim Moriarty. Hi!

SHERLOCK: Consulting criminal.

MORIARTY: I have loved this, this little game of ours.

SHERLOCK: People have died.

MORIARTY: That's what people do!

SHERLOCK: I will stop you.

MORIARTY: If you don't stop prying... I'll burn you. I will burn the heart out of

                     you.

SHERLOCK: Catch you later.

MORIARTY: No, you won't.

 

MORIARTY: Sorry, boys! I'm so changeable! It is a weakness with me, but to be

                     fair to myself, it is my only weakness. You can't be allowed to

                     continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you, but everything

                     I have to say has already crossed your mind.

SHERLOCK: Probably my answer has crossed yours.

PHONE RING: "Stayin'Alive" by the Bee Gees

MORIARTY: Do you mind if I get that?

SHERLOCK: Oh, no, please. You've got the rest of your life.

MORIARTY: Hello?

                     Yes, of course it is. What do you want?

                     Say that again!

                     Say that again, and know that if you're lying to me, I will find you,

                     and I will skin you.

                     Wait.

                     Sorry. Wrong day to die.

SHERLOCK: Oh. Did you get a better offer?

MORIARTY: You'll be hearing from me, Sherlock.

                     So if you have what you say you have, I will make you rich. If you

                     don't, I'll make you into shoes.

JOHN: What happened there?

SHERLOCK: Someone changed his mind. The question is...who?

 

 

MISS ADLER: Well, now, have you been wicked, Your Highness?

YOUR HIGHNESS: Yes, Miss Adler.

 

                        A SCANDAL IN BELGRAVIA

 

SHERLOCK: What are you typing?

JOHN: Blog.

SHERLOCK: About what?

JOHN: Us.

SHERLOCK: You mean that me.

JOHN: All right.

SHERLOCK: What are you talking a lot?

 

CUSTOMER1: My wife seems to be pending a very long time at the office.

SHERLOCK: Boring.

CUSTOMER2: I think my husband might be having an affair.

SHERLOCK: Yes.

CUSTOMER3: She's not my real aunt, she's been replaced. I know she has. I know

                        human ash.

SHERLOCK: Leave.

CUSTOMER4: We are prepared to offer any sum of money you care to mention

                        for the recovery of these files.

SHERLOC: Boring.

CUSTOMRE5: We have this website, it explains the true meaning of comic books,

                        cos people miss a lot of the themes. But then all the comic books

                        started coming true.

SHERLOCK: Oh...interesting.

 

  THE PERSONAL BLOG OF

      Dr. John H. Watson

        The Geek Interpreter

          Three young men came to Baker St claiming...

 

SHERLOCK: Geek Interpreter, what's that?

JOHN: That's the title.

SHERLOCK: What does it need a title for?

 

SHERLCK: Do people actually read your blog?

JOHN: Where do you think our clients come from?

SHERLOCK: I have a website.

JOHN: In which you enumerate 240 different types of tobacco ash. Nobody's

            reading your website.

            Right then, dyed blonde hair, no obvious cause of death, excepet for

            these speckles, whatever they are.

 

SHERLOCK: Oh, for God's sakes!

JOHN: What?

SHERLOCK: The Speckled Blonde?!

 

CUSTOMER6: They wouldn't let us see Grand-dad when he was dead. Is that cos

                        he'd gone to heaven?

SHERLOCK: People don't really go to heaven when they die, they're taken to a

                    special room and burned.

JOHN: Sherlock...

 

 

LESTRADE: There was a plane crash in Dusseldorf yesterday. Everyone dead.

SHERLOCK: Suspected terrorist bomb. We do watch the news.

JOHN: You said "Boring" and turned over.

LESTRADE: Well, according to the flight details, this man was checked in on

                   board. Inside his coat he's got a stub from his boarding pass,

                   napkins from the flight, even one of those special biscuits.

                   Here's his passport, stamped at Berlin Airport. So this man should

                   have died in a plane crash in Germany yesterday, but instead he's in

                   a car boot in Southwark.

SHERLOCK: Luck escape.

LESTRADE: Any ideas?

SHERLOCK: Eight so far. OK, four ideas. Maybe two ideas.

 

 

SHERLOCK: No, no, no, don't mention the unsolved ones.

JOHN: People want to know you're human.

SHERLOCK: Why?

JOHN: Because they're interested.

SHERLOCK: No, they're not. Why are they?

JOHN: Hmm, look at that.

            1,895.

SHERLOCK: Sorry, what?

JOHN: I reset that counter last night. This blog has had nearly 2,000 hits in the

            last eight hours. This is your living, Sherlock, not 240 different types of

            tobacco ash.

SHERLOCK: 243.

 

SHERLOCK: So what's this one?

                     Belly Button Murders?

JOHN: The Navel Treatment?

LESTRADE: There's a lot of press outside, guys.

SHERLOCK: Well, they won't be interested in us.

LESTRADE: Yeah, that was before you were an internet phenomenon. A couple of

                    them specifically wanted photographs of you two.

SHERLOCK: God's sake!

                    John.

                    Cover your face and walk fast.

LESTRADE: Still, it's good for the public image, big case like this.

SHERLOCK: I'm a private detective, the last thing I need is a public image.

 

 

NEWS: Hat-man and Robin. The web detectives.

            Sherlock Net'Tee

            Sherlock & John, Blogger Detectives

            Sherlock Holmes: net phenomenon

 

MISS ADLER: Hello? I think it's time, don't you?

 

 

MRS HUDSON: Oh, dear! Thumbs!? 

MAN: The door was...The door was...

MRS HUDSON: Boys! You've got another one!

 

SHERLOCK: Tell us from the start, don't be boring.

 

14 hours earlier

MAN: Hey! Are you OK? Excuse me! Are you all right?

 

POLICEMAN: Sir, phone call for you.

CARTER: Carter.

LESTRADE: Have you heard of Sherlock Holmes?

CARTER: Who?

LESTRADE: Well, you're about to meet him now. This is your case, it's entirely up

                   to you, this is just... friendly advice, but give Sherlock five minutes on

                   your crime scence, and listen to everything that he has to say. And as

                   far as possible... try not to punch him.

POLICEMAN: OK.

                        Sir, this gentleman says he needs to speak to you...

CARTER: Yes, I know.

                Sherlock Holmes.

JOHN: John Watson. Are you set up for Wi-Fi?

 

JOHN: You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?

SHERLOCK: It's OK, I'm fine. Now...show me to the stream.

JOHN: I didn't really mean for you.

SHERLOCK: Look, this is a six.

                     There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a

                     seven, we agreed.

                     Now go back, show me the grass.

JOHN: When did we agree that?

SHERLOCK: We agreed it yesterday. Stop!

                    Closer.

JOHN: I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.

SHERLOCK: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.

                    Shut up!

JOHN: Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?

SHERLOCK: I don't know, how often are you away?

                    Now...show me the car that backfired.

JOHN: It's there.

SHERLOCK: That's the one that made the noise, yes?

JOHN: Yeah. If you're thinking gunshot...There wasn't one. He wasn't shot, he

            was killed by a single blow to the back from a blunt instrument, which

            then magically disappeared, along with the killer. It's got to be on eight,

            at least.

CARTER: You've got two more minutes, they want to know more about the

               driver.

SHERLOCK: Oh, forget him, he's an idiot. Why else would he think himself a

                     suspect?

CARTER: I think he's a suspect.

SHERLOCK: Pass me over.

JOHN: All right, but there's a mute button, and I will use it.

SHERLOCK: Up a bit! I'm not talking from down here!

JOHN: OK. Just take it, take it.

SHERLOCK: Having successfully committed a crime without a single witness...

                     why would he call the police and consult a detective? Fair play?

CARTER: He's trying to be clever. It's overconfidence.

SHERLOCK: Did you see him? Morbidly obese, the undisguised halitosis of a

                     single man living on his own. The right sleeve of an interest porn

                     addict, the breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition. Low

                     self-esteem, tiny IQ and a limited life expectancy, and you think he's

                     a criminal mastermind?!

                     Don't worry, this is just stupid.

MAN: What did you say? Heart what?

SHERLOCK: Go to the stream.

CARTER: What's in the stream?

SHERLOCK: Go and see.

MRS HUDSON: Sherlock! You weren't answering your doorbell.

MAN: His room's through the back, get him some clothes.

SHERLOCK: Who the hell are you?

MAN: Sorry, Mr. Holmes...

JOHN: Sherlock, what's going on? What's happening?

MAN: You're coming with us.

 

JOHN: I've lost him. I don't know what...

POLICEMAN: Dr. Watson?

JOHN: Yeah.

POLICEMAN: It's for you.

JOHN: OK, thanks.

POLICEMAN: No, sir, the helicopter.

 

 

MAN: Please, Mr. Holmes, where you're going, you'll want to be dressed.

SHERLOCK: I know exactly where I'm going.

 

 

JOHN: You wearing any pants?

SHERLOCK: No.

JOHN: OK.

             At Buckingham Palace. Right.

             Aah, aah, I am seriusly fighting animpulse to steal an ashtray.

             What are we doing here, Sherlock, seriously, what?

SHERLOCK: I don't know.

JOHN: Here to see the Queen?

SHERLOCK: Oh, apparently, yes.

MYCROFT: Just once, can you behave like grown-ups?

JOHN: We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold

            out too much hope.

SHERLOCK: I was in the middle of a case, Mycroft.

MYCROFT: What, the hiker and the backfire? I glanced at the police report, a bit

                    obvious, surely?

SHERLOCK: Transparent.

MYCROFT: Time to move on then.

                    We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation.

                    Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!

SHERLOCK: What for?

MYCROFT: Your client.

SHERLOCK: And my client is...?

HARRY: Illustrious, in the extreme. And remainig, I have to inform you, entirely

              anonymous.

              Mycroft.

MYCROFT: Harry. May I just apologise for the state of my little brother.

HARRY: A full-time occupation, I imagine.

              And this must be Dr.Watson, formerly of the Fifth Northumberland

              Fusiliers?

JOHN: Hello, yes.

HARRY: My employer is a tremendous fan of your blog.

JOHN: Your employer?

HARRY: Particularly enjoyed the one about the aluminium crutch.

JOHN: Thank you.

HARRY: And Mr.Holmes the Younger. You look taller in your photographs.

SHERLOCK: I take the precaution of a good coat and a short friend.

                     Mycroft, I don't do anonymous clients. I'm used to mystery at one

                     end of my cases, both ends is too much work. Good morning.

MYCROFT: This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!

SHERLOCK: Gut off my sheet!

MYCROFT: Or what?

SHERLOCK: Or I'll just walk away.

MYCROFT: I'll let you.

JOHN: Boys, please...not here.

SHERLOCK: Who is my client?

MYCROFT: Take a look at where you're standing, and make a deduction. You are

                    to be engaged by the highest in the land, now, for God's sake! Put

                    your clothes on!

 

MYCROFT: I'll be mother.

SHERLOCK: And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.

HARRY: My employer has a problem.

MYCROFT: A matter has come to light of an extremely delicate and potentially

                    criminal nature, and in this hour of need, dear brother, your name

                    has arisen.

SHERLOCK: Why? We have a police force of sorts, even a marginally secret

                     service.

                     Why come to me?

HARRY: People come to you for help, don't they, Mr.Holmes?

SHERLOCK: Not to date anyone with a navy.

MYCROFT: This is a matter of the highest security, and therefore of trust.

JOHN: You don't trust your own secret service?

MYCROFT: Naturally not. They all spy on people for money.

HARRY: I do think we have a timetable.

MYCROFT: Yes, of course. Erm...

                    What do you know about this woman?

SHERLOCK: Nothing whatsoever.

MYCROFT: Then you should be paying more attention. She's been at the centre

                    of two political scandals in the last year, and recently ended the

                    marriage of a prominent novelist by having an affair with both

                    participants separately.

SHERLOCK: You know I don't concern myself with trivia. Who is she?

MYCROFT: Irene Adler. Professionally known as " The  Woman".

JOHN: Professionally?

MYCROFT: There are many names for what she does. She prefers " Dominatrix".

SHERLOCK:Dominatrix.

MYCROFT: Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.

SHERLOCK: Sex doesn't alarm me.

MYCROFT: How would you know?

                    She provides, shall we say, recreational scolding for those who enjoy

                    that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it.

                    These are all from her website.

SHERLOCK: And I assume this Adler woman has some compromising photo-

                     graphs.

HARRY: You're very quick, Mr. Holmes.

SHERLOCK: Hardly a difficult deduction. Photographs of whom?

HARRY: A person of significance to my employer. We'd prefer not to say any

              more at this time.

JOHN: You can't tell us anything?

MYCROFT: I can tell you it's a young person. A young female person.

SHERLOCK: How many photographs?

MYCROFT: A considerable number, apparently.

SHERLOCK: Do Miss Adler and this young female person appear in these

                    photographs together?

MYCROFT: Yes.

SHERLOCK: I assume in a number of compromining scenarios?

MYCROFT: And imaginative range, we are assumed.

SHERLOCK: John, you might want to put that cup back in your saucer now.

HARRY: Can you help us, Mr.Holmes?

SHERLOCK: How?

HARRY: Will you take the case?

SHERLOC: What case? Pay her, now and in full. As Miss Adler remarks in her

                  masthead, know when you are beaton.

MYCROFT: She doesn't want anything. She got in touch. She informed us that

                  the photographs existed. She indicated that she had no intention to

                  use them to extort either money or favour.

SHERLOCK: Oh, a power play. A power play with the most powerful family in

                   Britain. Now that is a dominatrix. Ooh, this is getting rather fun, isn't

                   it.

JOHN: Sherlock...

SHERLOCK: Hmm. Where is she?

MYCROFT: In London, currently. She's staying...

SHRLOCK: Text me the details, I'll be in touch by the end of the day.

HARRY: Do you really think you'll have news by then?

SHERLOCK: No, I think I'll have the photographs.

HARRY: One can only hope you're as good as you seem to think.

SHERLOCK: I'll need some equipment, of course.

MYCROFT: Anything you require, I'll have it sent...

SHERLOCK: Can I have a box of matches?

HARRY: I'm sorry?

SHERLOCK: Or your cigarette lighter, either will do.

HARRY: I don't smoke.

SHERLOCK: No, I know you don't, but your employer does.

HARRY: We have kept a lot of people successfully in the dark about this little

             fact, Mr.Holmes.

SHERLOCK: I'm not the Commonwealth.

JOHN: And that's as modest as he gets.

           Pleasure to meet you.

SHERLOCK: Laters!

 

 

JOHN: OK, the smoking, how did you know? 

SHERLOCK: The evidence was right under your nose, John, as ever you see, but

                    do not observe.

JOHN: Observe what?

SHERLOCK: The ashtray.

 

 

MISS ADLER: Kate?

                      We're going to have a visitor. I'll need a bit of time to get ready.

KATE: A long time?

MISS ADLER: Hmm...ages.

 

 

JOHN: What are you doing?

SHERLOCK: I'm going to into battle, John. I need the right armour.

                   No.

 

 

MISS ADLER: Nah.

KATE: Works for me.

MISS ADLER: Everything works on you.

 

 

JOHN: So, what's the plan?

SHERLOCK: We know her address.

JOHN: We just ring her doorbell?

SHERLOCK: Exactly. Just here, please.

JOHN: You didn't even change your clothes.

SHERLOCK: Then it's time to add a splash of colour.

 

JOHN: Are we here?

SHERLOCK: Two streets away, but this will do.

JOHN: For what?

SHERLOCK: Punch me in the face.

 

 

KATE: Shade?

MISS ADLER: Blood.

 

 

JOHN: Punch you?

SHERLOCK: Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?

JOHN: I always hear"Punch me"when you speak but it's usually sub-text.

SHERLOCK: Oh, for God's sakes!

                    Thank you, that was...

                    OK, I think we're done now, John!

JOHN: You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier. I killed people.

SHERLOCK: You were a doctor!

JOHN: I had bad days!

 

 

KATE: What are you going to wear?

MISS ADLER: My battle dress.

KATE: Oh, lucky boy.

 

KATE: Hello?

SHERLOCK: Oh, very sorry to disturb you, um, I've just been attacked, um, um,

                    and I think they, they took my wallet and, um, and my phone. Um,

                    please could you help me?

KATE: I can phone the police, if you want?

SHERLOCK: Thank you. Could you, please? Would you mind if I just waited here,

                    just until they come? Thank you, thank you so much.

                    Thank you. Oh.

JOHN: I saw it all happen. It's OK, I'm a doctor.

           Have you got a first aid kit?

KATE: In the kitchen. Please.

JOHN: Thank you.

SHERLOCK: Thank you.

 

MISS ADLER: Hello, sorry to hear you've been hurt. I don't think Kate caught your

                      name?

SHERLOCK: I'm sorry, I'm...

MISS ADLER: It's always hard to remember an alias when you've had a fright.

                      Isn't it? Well, there now. We're both defrocked...Mr.Sherlock

                      Holmes.

SHERLOCK: Miss Adler, I presume.

MISS ADLER: Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face.

                      Would you like me to try?

JOHN: Right, this should do it.

           I've missed something, haven't I?

MISS ADLER: Please, sit down. Or if you'd like some tea, I can call the maid.

SHERLOCK: I had some at the Palace.

MISS ADLER: I know.

SHERLOCK: Clearly.

JOHN: I had a tea too, at the Palace. If anyone's interested.

MISS ADLER: Do you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr.Holmes?

                      However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait.

SHERLOCK: You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?

MISS ADLER: No, I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher

                      power. In your case, it's yourself.

                      Hmm, and somebody loves you. If I had to punch that face, I'd

                      avoid your nose and teeth, too.

JOHN: Ha-ha! Could you put something on, please? Er, anything at All. A napkin?

MISS ADLER: Why? Are you feeling exposed?

SHERLOCK: I don't think John knows where to look.

MISS ADLER: No, I think he knows exactly where.

                      I'm not sure about you.

SHERLOCK: If I was too look at naked women, I'd know John's laptop.

JOHN: You do borrow my laptop.

SHERLOCK: I confiscate it.

MISS ADLER: Never mind, we've got better things to talk about.

                      Now, tell me, I need to know -  how was it done?

SHERLOCK: What?

MISS ADLER: The hiker with the bashed - in head - how was he killed?

SHERLOCK: That's not why I'm here.

MISS ADLER: No, no, no. You're here for the photographs, but that's never going

                      to happen and as we're chatting...anyway.

JOHN: That stroy's not out. How do you know about it?

MISS ADLER: I know one of the policemen. Well, I know what he likes.

JOHN: Oh. And you...like policemen?

MISS ADLER: I like detective stories. And detectives. Brainy is the new sexy.

SHERLOCK: The position car... The position of the car relative to the hiker, that

                    and the fact that the death blow was to the back of the head, that's

                    all you need to know.

MISS ADLER: OK, tell me, how was he murdered?

SHERLOCK: He wasn't.

MISS ADLER: You don't think it was murder?

SHERLOCK: I know it wasn't.

MISS ADLER: How?

SHERLOCK: The same way that I know the victim was an excellent sportsman,

                   recently resturned from foreign travel and that the photographs I'm

                   looking for are in this room.

MISS ADLER: OK, but how?

SHERLOCK: So they are in this room. Thank you.

                    John, man the door, let no-one in.

 

SHERLOCK: Two men alone in the countryside, several yards apart and one car.

MISS ADLER: Oh, I... I thought you were looking for the photos now.

SHERLOCK: No, no. Looking takes ages, I'm just going to find them, but you're

                   moderate clever and we've got a moment, so let's pass the time.

                   Two men, a car, nobody else. Driver's trying to fix his engine.

                   Getting nowhere. And the hiker is taking a moment, looking at the

                   sky. Watching the birds? Any moment now, something is going to

                   happen. What?

MISS ADLER: The hiker is going to die.

SHERLOCK: No, that's the result. What's going to happen?

MISS ADLER: I don't understand.

SHERLOCK: Oh, well try to.

MISS ADLER: Why?

SHERLOCK: Because you cater to the whims of the pathetic and take your

                    clothes off to make an imoression. Stop boring me and think. It's

                    the new sexy.

MISS ADLER: The car's going to backfire.

SHERLOCK: There's going to be a loud noise.

MISS ADLER: So what?

SHERLOCK: Oh. Noises are important. Noises can tell you everything. For

                    instance...

  Smoke Alarm

SHERLOCK: Thank you.

                   On hearing a smoke alarm, a mother would look towards her child.

                   Amazing how the fire exposes our priorities.

                   I really hope you don't have a baby in here.

                   All right, John, you can turn it off now.

                   I said you can turn it off now!

JOHN: Give me a minute!

            Thank you.

 

SHERLOCK: You should always use gloves with these things, you know. Heaviest

                    oil deposit is always on the first key used, that's quite the 3, but

                     after that, the sequence is almost impossble to read. I see it's a six

                     digit code. Can't be your birthday, no disrespect, but clearly you

                     were born in the '80s and 8's barely used, so...

MISS ADLER: I'd tell you the code right now, but you know what? I already have.

                      Think.

AMEARCIAN: Hands behind your head, on the floor, keep it still!