SHERLOCK HOLMES

                               Season One   NO.3

                      The Great Game

Minsk, Belarws

SHERLOCK: Just tell me what happened from the beginning.

MR BEWICK: We had been to a bar, nice palce, and, I got chatting with one of

           the waitress, and Karen weren't happy with that, so...when we get

           back to the hotel, we end up having a bit of a ding-dong.

           She's always getting at me, saying I weren't a real man.

SHERLOCK: Wasn't a real man.

MR BEWICK: What?

SHERLOCK: It's not "weren't", it's"wasn't".

          Go on.

MR BEWICK: Well...then I don't know how it happened, but suddenly there's a

           knife in my hands... and me old man was a butcher, so I know how

           to handle knives. He learned us how to cut up a beast.

SHERLOCK: Taught.

MR BEWICK: What?

SHERLOCK: Taught you how to cut up a beast.

MR BEWICK: Yeah, well, then I done it.

SHERLOCK: Did it.

MR BEWICK: Did it! Stabbed her, over and over and over, and I looked down,

           and she weren't...wasn't...moving no more. Any more.

           God help me, I dunno how it happened, but it was an accident, I

           swear.

           You've got to help me, Mr.Holmes! Everyone says you're the best.

           Without you...I'll get hung for this.

SHERLOCK: No, no, Mr.Bewick, not at all. Hanged, yes.

 

 

JOHN: What the hell are you doing?!

SHERLOCK: Bored.

JOHN: What?!

SHERLOCK: Bored!

JOHN:No...

SHERLOCK: Bored! Bored!

          Don't know what's got into the criminal classes. Good job I'm not

          one of them.

JOHN: So you take it out on the wall?

SHERLOCK: The wall had it coming.

JOHN: What about that Russian case?

SHERLOCK: Belarus? Open and shut domestic murder. Not worth my time.

JOHN: Oh, shame!

      Anything in? I'm starving.

      Oh, f...

      There's a head. A severed head!

SHERLOCK: Just tea for me, thanks.

JOHN: No, there's a head in the fridge.

SHERLOCK: Yes?

JOHN: A bloody head!

SHERLOCK: Well, where else could I put it? You don't mind, do you?

JOHN: Well...

SHERLOCK: Got it from Barts morgue. I'm measuring the coagulation of seliva

          after death. I see you've written up the taxi driver case.

JOHN: Er...yes.

SHERLOCK: A Study In Pink. Nice.

JOHN: Well, you know. Pink lady, pink case, pink phone. There was a lot of

      pink. Did you like it?

SHERLOCK: Um...no.

JOHN: Why not? I thought you'd be flattered.

SHERLOCK: Flattered?!"Sherlock sees through everything and everyone in

          seconds. What's incredible, though, is how spectaculary ignorant

          he is about some things."

JOHN: Hang on, I didn't mean that...

SHERLOCK: Oh, you meant"spectaculary ignorant" in a nice way. Look, it

          doesn't matter to me who's Prime Minister or...

JOHN: I know...

SHERLOCK: Who's sleeping with who..

JOHN: Whether the Earth goes around the sun.

SHERLOCK: That again! It's not important!

JOHN: Not impor...?! It's primary school stuff. How can you not know that?

SHERLOCK: Well, if I ever did, I've deleted it.

JOHN: Deleted it?

SHERLOCK: Listen. This is my hard drive, and it only makes sense to put

          things in there that are useful. REALLY useful. Ordinary people

          fill their heads with all kinks of rubbish. That makes it hard to

          get at the stuff that matters. Do you see?

JOHN: But it's the solar system!

SHERLOCL: Oh, hell! What does that matter?! So we go round the sun. If we

          went round the moon, or round and round the garden like a teddy

          bear, it wouldn't make any difference! All that matters to me is

          the work! Without that, my brain rots!

          Put that in your blog! Or, better still, stop inflicting your

          opinions on the world!

          Where are you going?

JOHN: Out! I need some air.

MRS HUDSON: Oh, sorry, love!

JOHN: Sorry.

MRS HUDSON: Have you two had a little domestic?

            Ooh, it's a bit nippy out there. He should have wrapped himself

            up a bit more.

SHERLOCK: Look at that, Mrs.Hudson. Quiet. Clam. Peaceful. Isn't it hateful?

MRS HUDSON: Oh, I'm sure something will turn up, Sherlock. A nice murder.

            That'll cheer you up.

SHERLOCK: Can't come too soon.

MRS HUDSON: Hey, what have you done to my bloody wall?!

            I'm putting this on your rent, young man!

 

 

SARAH: Morning.

JOHN:Oh...m-morning.

SARAH: See? Told you you should have gone with the lilo.

JOHN: No, no, no, it's fine, I slept fine. It's very kind of you.

SARAH: Well, maybe next time I'll let you kip at the end of my bed, you

       know.

TV: "...which was discovered mouldering...18 months ago. Experts are hailing

    it as the artistic find of the centry... It fetched over 20 million

    pounds. This one is anticipated to do even better.

JOHN: What about the time after that?

SARAH: ...

       Do you want some breakfast?

JOHN: Love some.

SARAH: Well, make it yourself. I'm going to have a shower.

TV: Bank now to our main story. There's been a massive explosion in central

    London. As yet, there are no reports of any casualties, and the police

    are unable to say if there's any suspicion of terrorist involvement."

    Poilce have issued an emergecy number for friends and relatives."

    Baker Street

JOHN: Sarah! Sarah! Sorry! I've got to run!

 

 

JOHN: Excuse me, can I get through?

      I live over there.

      Sherlock! Sherlock!

SHERLOCK: John.

JOHN: I saw it on the telly. Are you OK?

SHERLOCK: Me? What? Oh, yeah, fine. Gas leak, apparently.

          I can't.

MYCROFT: Can't?

SHERLOCK: Stuff I've got on is just too big. I can't spare the time.

MYCROFT: Never mind your usual trivia. This is of national improtance.

SHERLOCK: How's the diet?

MYCROFT: Fine.

         Perhaps you can get through to him, John.

JOHN: What?

MYCROFT: I'm afraid my brother can be very intransigent.

SHERLOCK: If you're so keen, why don't you investigate it?

MYCROFT: No. I can't possibly be away from the office for any length of

         time. Not with the Korean elections so... Well, you don't need to

         know about that, do you? Besides, a case like this, it requires...

         legwork.

SHERLOCK: How's Sarah, John? How was the lilo?

MYCROFT: Sofa, Sherlock. It was the sofa.

SHERLOCK: Oh, yes, of course.

JOHN: How...? Oh, never mind.

MYCROFT: Sherlock's business seems to be booming since you and he become...

         pals.

         What's he like to live with? Hellish, I imagine.

JOHN: I'm never bored.

MYCROFT: Good. That's good, isn't it?

 

MYCROFT: Andrew West, known as Wesite to his friends. Civil servant. Found

         dead on the tracks at Battersea station this morning with his head

         smashed in.

JOHN: Jumped in front of a train?

SHERLOCK: Seems the logical assumption.

JOHN: But?

MYCROFT: But?

JOHN: Well, you wouldn't be here if it was just a accident.

SHERLOCK: Hah!

MYCROFT: The MoD is working on a new missile defence system, the Bruce-

         Partington Program it's called. The plans for it were on a memory

         stick.

JOHN: That wasn't very clever.

MYCROFT: It's not the only copy. Oh. But it is secret. And missing.

JOHN: Top secret?

MYCROFT: Very. We thiink West must have taken the memory stick. We can't

         risk it falling into the wrong hands.

         You've got to find those plans, Sherlock. Don't make me order you.

SHERLOCK: I'd like to see you try.

MYCROFT: Think it over.

         Goodbye, John. See you very soon.

 

JOHN: Why did you lie? You've got nothing on. Not a single case. That's why

      the wall took a pounding. Why did you tell your brother you were busy?

SHERLOCK: Why shouldn't I?

JOHN: Oh. Nice.

      Sibling rivalry. Now we're getting somewhere.

Phone ring

SHERLOCK: Sherlock Holmes.

          Of course. How could I refuse?

          Lestrade.

          I've been summoned. Coming?

JOHN: If you want me to.

SHERLOCK: Of course.

          I'd be lost without my blogger.

 

 

LESTRADE: You like the funny cases, don't you?

          The surprising ones. You'll love this. That explosion.

SHERLOCK: Gas leak, yes?

LESTRADE: No.

SHERLOCK: No?

LESTRADE: No. Made to look like one.

SHERLOCK: What?

LESTRADE: Hardly anything left of the place, except a strongbox. A VERY

          strong box, and inside it was this.

SHERLOCK: You haven't opened it?

LESTRADE: It's addressed to you, isn't it?

          We've X-rayed it. It's not booby-trapped.

SHERLOCK: How reassuring.

 

SHERLOCK: Nice stationery. Bohencian.

LESTRADE: What?

SHERLOCK: From the Crech Republice. No fingerprints?

LESTRADE: No.

SHERLOCK: She used a fountain pen. Parker Duofold, iridium nib.

JOHN: She?

SHERLOCK: Obviously.

JOHN: Obviously.

      But that...That's the phone. The pink phone.

LESTRADE: What, from The Study In Pink?

SHERLOCK: Obviously, it's not the same phone, but it's supposed to look

          like..."Study In Pink"? You read his blog?

LESTRADE: Of course I read his blog. We all do. Do you REALLY not know that

          the Earth gose round the sun?

SHERLOCK: It isn't the same phone. This one's brand-new. Someone's taken

          trouble to make it look the same, which means your blog has a far

          wider readship.

PHONE: You have one new message.

JOHN: Was that it?

SHERLOCK: No, that's not it.

LESTRADE: What the hell are we supposed to make of that? An estate agent's

          photo and the bloody Greenwich pips.

SHERLOCK: It's a warning.

JOHN: A warning.

SHERLOCK: Some secret societies used to send dried melon seeds, orange pips,

          things like that - five pips. They're warning us it's going to

          happen again. I've seen this place before.

JOHN: Hang on.

      What's going to happen again?

SHERLOCK: Boom!

 

 

SHERLOCK: Mrs.Hudson!

MRS HUDSON: You had a look, didn't you, when you first came to see about

            your flat?

SHERLOCK: The door's been opened, recently.

MRS HUDSON: No, can't be. That's the only key. I can't get anyone interested

            in this flat. It's the damp, I expect - that's the curse of

            basements. I'd place once when I was first married. Mould all up

            the wall...Oh. Dear me.

 

JOHN: Shoes.

      He's a bomber, remember.

NUMBER BLOCKED

SHERLOCK: Hello.

WOMAN: Hello...sexy.

SHERLOCK: Who's this?

WOMAN: I've...sent you...a little puzzle, just to say hi.

SHERLOCK: Who's talking? Why are you crying?

WOMAN: I...I'm not crying. I'm typing. And this...stupid bitch is reading it

       out.

SHERLOCK: The curtain rises.

JOHN: What?

SHERLOCK: Nothing.

JOHN: No, what did you mean?

SHERLOCK: I've been expecting this for some time.

WOMAN: 12 hours to solve...my puzzle, Sherlock...or I'm going to be... So...

       naughty.

 

 

S.BARTHOLOMEW'S HOSPITAL

JOHN: So, who do you suppose it was?

SHERLOCK: Um?

JOHN: Woman on the phone - the crying woman.

SHERLOCK: Oh, she dosen't matter, she's just a hostage. No lead there.

JOHN: I wasn't thinking about leads.

SHERLOCK: You're not going to be much use to her.

JOHN: Are they trying to trace it - trace the call?

SHERLOCK: Bomber's too smart for that. Pass my phone.

JOHN: Where is it?

SHERLOCK: Jacket.

          Careful!

JOHN: Text from your brother.

SHERLCK: Deleted it.

JOHN: Deleted it?

SHERLOCK: Plans are out of the country. Nothing we can do.

TEXT: RE:BRUCE-PARTINGTONS

      Any progress on Andrew West's death? - Mycroft

JOHN: Mycroft think there is. He's texted you eight times. Must be 

       important.

SHERLOCK: Then why didn't he cancel his dental appointment?

JOHN: His what?

SHERLOCK: Mycroft never texts if he can talk.

          Andrew West stole the missile plans, tried to sell them, got his

          head smashed in, end of story. The only mystery is why my brother

          is so determined to bore me when somebody else is being so

          delightfully interesting.

JOHN: Try and remember there's a woman who might die.

SHERLOCK: What for? There's hospitals full of people dying, Doctor. Why

          don't you go and cry by their beside and see what good it dose

          them?

Search Finished

MOLLY: Any luck?

SHERLOCK: Oh, yes!

MORIARTY: Oh, sorry, I didn't...

MOLLY: Jim, hi! Come in! Come in!

       Jim, this is Sherlock Holmes. And, er...Sorry.

JOHN: John Waston.

MORIARTY: So you're Sherlock Holmes. Molly's told me all about you. You on

          one of your cases?

MOLLY: Jim works in IT, upstairs. That's how we met. Office romance.

SHERLOCK: Gay.

MOLLY: Sorry, what?

SHERLOCK: Nothing. Um, hey.

MORIARTY: Sorry. Sorry! Well, I'd better be off. I'll see you at the Fox.

          About sixith?

MOLLY: Yeah.

MORIARTY: Bye. It was nice to meet you.

JOHN: You too.

 

MOLLY: What do you mean, gay? We're together.

SHERLOCK: Domestic bliss must suit you, Molly. You've put on 3 pounds since 

          I last saw you.

MOLLY: Two-and-a-half.

SHERLOCK: No, three.

JOHN: Sherlock.

MOLLY: He's not a gay! Why do you have to spoil...? He's not.

SHERLOCK: With that level of grooming?

JOHN: Because he puts product in his hair? I put product in my hair.

SHERLOCK: You wash your hair, there's a difference.

          Tinted eyelashes, signs of taurine cream around the frown lines,

          those tried, clubber's eyes. Then there's his underwear.

MOLLY: His underwear?

SHERLOCK: Visible above the waistline. Very visible, particular brand. Plus

          the suggestive fact that he just left his number under this dish.

          I'd say you'd better break it off now and save yourself the pain.

JOHN: Charming, well done.

SHERLOCK: Just saving her time. Isn't that kinder?

JOHN: Kinder? No, no, Sherlock, that wasn't kind.

SHERLOCK: Go on, then.

JOHN: Um?

SHERLOCK: You know what I do. Off you go.

JOHN: Oh...No.

SHERLOCK: Go on.

JOHN: I don't want stand here so you can humiliate me while I...

SHERLOCK: An outside eye, a second opinion it's very useful to me. Really!

JOHN: Fine.

      Oh, they're just a pair of sh...trainers.

SHERLOCK: Good.

JOHN: They're in good nick. I'd say they were pretty new, except the sole

      has been well worn, so the owner must have had them for a while. Er,

      very '80s. Probably one of those retro designs.

SHERLOCK: You're on sparkling form. What else?

JOHN: They're quite big. So a man's. But...But there's traces of a name

      inside in felt-tip. Adults don't write their names inside their shoes,

      so these belong to a kid.

SHERLOCK: Excellent. What else?

JOHN: That's it.

SHERLOCK: That's it.

JOHN: How did I do?

SHEROCK: Well, John. Really well. I mean, you missed almost everything of

         importance, but, you know.

         The owner loved these. Scrubbed them clean. Whitened them. Changed

         the laces three...no, four times. There are traces of flaky skin

         where his fingers have come into contact with them, so he had

         eczema. The shoes are more worn on the inner side, so he had weak

         arches. British-made, 20 years old.

JOHN: 20 years?

SHERLOCK: They're not retro, they're original. Limited edition - two blue

          stripes, 1989.

JOHN: There's still mud on them. They look new.

SHERLOCK: Someone's kept them that way. Quite a bit of mud caked on the

          soles. Analysis shows it's from Sussex with London mud overlaying

          it.

JOHN: How do you know?

SHERLOCK: Pollen. Clear as a map reference. South of the river. This kid

          came to London from Sussex 20 years ago and left the trainers

          behind.

JOHN: What happened to him?

SHERLOCK: Something bad.

          He loved those shoes, remember. He'd never leave them filthy.

          Wouldn't let them go unless he had to.

          So, a child with big feet gets...oh

JOHN: What?

SHERLOCK: Carl Powers.

JOHN: Sorry, who?

SHERLOCK: Carl Powers, John.

JOHN: What is it?

SHERLOCK: It's where I began.

          1989, kid, champion swimmer, came from Brighton for a school

          sports tournament, drowned in the pool. Tragic accident. You

          wouldn't remember it, would you?

JOHN: But you remember.

SHERLOCK: Yes.

JOHN: Something fishy about it?

SHERLOCK: Nobody thought so. Nobody except me. I was only a kid myself. I

          read about it in the papers.

JOHN: You started young, didn't you?

SHERLOCK: The boy, Carl Powers, had some kind of fit in the water, but by

          the time they got him out, it was too late. There was something

          wrong somewhere. I couldn't get it out of my head.

JOHN: What?

SHERLOCK: His shoes.

JOHN: What about them?

SHERLOCK: They weren't there. I made a fuss. I tried to get the police

          interested, but nobody seemed to think it was importance. He'd

          left all the rest of his clothes in his locker, but there was no

          sign of his shoes. Until now.

 

JOHN: Can I help? I want to help. There's only five hours left.

TEXT: Any developemnts? - Mycroft Holmes

JOHN: It's your brother. He's texting me now. How does he know my number?

SHERLOCK: Must be a root canal.

JOHN: Look, he did say...national importance.

SHERLOCK: How quaint!

JOHN: What is?

SHERLOCK: You are. Queen and country.

JOHN: You can't just ignore it.

SHERLOCK: I'm not ignoring it. Putting my best man onto it right now.

JOHN: Right, good!

      Who's that?

 

 

MYCROFT: John, how nice! I was hoping it wouldn't be long. How can I help

         you?

JOHN: Thank you.

      Um, I was wanting to... Your brother sent me to collect more facts

      about the stolen plans - the missile plans.

MYCROFT: Did he?

JOHN: Yes. He's investigating now. He's, er...investigating away. I just

      wondered what else you could tell me about the dead man.

MYCROFT: Er, IT. Clerk at Vauxhall Cross. MI6. He was involved in the Bruce-

         Partington Program in a minor capacity. Security cheeks A-OK. No

         known terrorist affiliations or sympathies. Last seen by his

         fiancee 10:30 yesterday evening.

(ANDRAW WEST: Lucy, love, I've got to go out. I've got to see someone.

 LUCY: Westie!)

JOHN: He was found at Battersea, yes. So he got on the train?

MYCROFT: No.

JOHN: What?

MYCROFT: He had an Oyster card... But it hadn't been used.

JOHN: He must have bought a ticket.

MYCROFT: Hm. There was no ticket on the body.

JOHN: Then...

MYCROFT: Then how did he end up with a bashed-in brain on the tracks at

         Battersea? That is the question - the one I was raher hoping

         Sherlock would provide an answer to. How's he getting on?

JOHN: He's fine. And it is going...very well. He's, um... He's completely

      focused on it.

 

 

SHERLOCK: Poison!

MRS HUDSON: What are you going on about?

SHERLOCK: Clostridium botulinum. It's one of the deadliest poisons on the

          planet. Carl Powers.

JOHN: Are you saying he was murdered?

SHERLOCK: Remember the shoelaces?

          He suffered from eczema. It wouldn't be easy to introduce the

          poison into his medication. Two hours later he comes to London,

          the poison paralyses the muscles and he drowns.

JOHN: How came the autopsy didn't pick that up?

SHERLOCK: It's virtually underectable. Nobody was looking for it.

     The Science of Deduction

       Pasted by Sherlock Holmes

          FOUND. Pair of trainers belonging to Carl Powers(1978-1989).

SHERLOCK: There are still tiny trces of it in the trainers from where he put

          the cream on his feet.

      Botulinum touch still present.

SHERLOCK: That's why they had to go.

JOHN: So how do we let the bomber know?

SHERLOCK: Get his attention, stop the clock.

JOHN: The killer kept the shoes all those years.

SHERLOCK: Yes. Meaning...

JOHN: He's our bomber.

Phone ring

WPMAN: "Well done, you. Come and get me."

SHERLOCK: Where are you? Tell us where you are.

 

 

LESTRADE: She lives n Cornwall. Two men broke in wearing masks, forced her

          to drive to the car park and decked her out in enough explosives

          to take down a house. Told her to phone you. Check the read-out

          from this - pager.

SHERLOCK: If she deviated by one word, the shiper would set her off.

JOHN: Or if you hadn't solved the case.

SHERLOCK: Oh...elegant!

JOHN: Elegant?

LESTRADE: What was the point? Why would anyone do this?

SHERLOCK: Oh...I can't be the only person in the world that gets bored.

TEXT: You have one new message.

JOHN: Four pips.

SHERLOCK: First test passed, it would seem here's the second.

          It's abandoned, wouldn't you say?

LESTRADE: I'll see if it's been reported.

SALLY: Freak, it's for you.

 

SHERLOCK: Hell.

MAN: It's OK that you've gone to the police.

SHERLOCK: Who is this? Is this you again?

MAN: But don't rely on them. Clever you, guessing about Carl Powers. I never

     liked him. Carl laughed at me, so I stopped him laughing.

SHERLOCK: You've stolen another voice, I presume.

MAN: This is about you and me.

SHERLOCK: Who are you? What's that noise?

MAN: It's the sounds of life, Sherlock. But don't worry. I can soon fix

     that. You solved my last puzzle in nine hours. This time you have

     eight.

 

 

LESTRADE: Great!

          We've found it.

 

LESTRADE: The car was hired yesterday morning by an Ian Monkford. Banker of

          some kind. City boy. Paid in cash. Told his wife he was going on a

          business trip, never arrived.

SALLY: You're still hanging round him.

JOHN: Yeah, well...

SALLY: Oppsites attract, I s'pose.

JOHN: We're not...

SALLY: You should get yourself a hobby. Stamps, maybe. Model trains. Safer.

LESTRADE: Before you ask, yes, it's Monkford's blood. DNA cheeks out.

SHERLOCK: No body.

SALLY: Not yet.

SHERLOCK: Get a sample sent to the lab.

 

SHERLOCK: Mrs.Monkford.

MRS MONKFORD: Yes. Sorry, but I've already spoken with two policemen.

JOHN: We're not from the police, we're...

SHERLOCK: Sherlock Holmes. Very old friend of your husband's. We, um...we

          grew up together.

MRS MONKFORD: I'm sorry. Who? I don't think he ever mentioned you.

SHERLOCK: Oh, he must have done. This is... This is horrible. I mean, I just

          can't believe it. I only saw him the other day. Same old Ian. Not

          a care in the world.

MRS MONKFORD: Sorry... My husband has been depressed for months. Who are

              you?

SHERLOCK: Really strange that he hired a car. Why would he do that? It's a

          bit suspicious, isn't it?

MRS MONKFORD: No, it isn't. He forgot to renew the tax on the car, that's

              all.

SHERLOCK: Ah, well! That was Ian. That was Ian all over.

MRS MONKFORD: No, it isn't.

SHERLOCK: Wasn't it? Interesting.

 

MRS MONKFORD: Who was that?

 

JOHN: Why did you lie to her?

SHERLOCK: People don't like telling you things but they love to contradict

          you. Past tense, did you notice?

JOHN: Sorry, what?

SHERLOCK: I referred to her husband in the past tense. She joined in. But

          premature. They've only just found the car.

JOHN: You think she murdered her husband?

SHERLOCK: That's not a mistake a murderer would make.

JOHN: I see... No, I don't. What am I seeing?

SALLY: Fishing. Try fishing.

 

 

JOHN: Where now?

SHERLOCK: Janus Cars. Just found this in the glove compartment.

 

MR EWART: Can't see how I can help you gentlemen.

JOHN: Mr.Monkford hired the car from you yesterday.

MR EWART: Yeah, lovely motor. Mazda RX8. Wouldn't mind one of them myself.

SHERLOCK: Is that one?

MR EWART: No, they're all Jags. I can see you're not a car man, eh?

SHERLOCK: But surely you can afford one - a Mazda, I mean.

MR EWART: Yeah, fair point. It's like working in a sweet shop. Once you

          start eating the Liquorice AUsorts, where does it stop?

JOHN: You didn't know Mr. Monkford.

MR EWART: No, he was just a client. He came in here and hired one of my

          cars. I've no idea what happened to him. Poor sod!

SHERLOCK: Nice holiday, Mr.Ewart?

MR EWART: Eh?

SHERLOCK: You've been away, haven't you?

MR EWART: Oh, the...no, it's sun beds, I'm afraid. Too busy to get away. My

          wife would love it, though - bit of sun.

SHERLOCK: Have you got any change for the cigarette machine?

MR EWART: What?

SHERLOCK: I noticed one on the way and I haven't got any change and I'm

          gasping.

MR EWART: No, sorry.

SHERLOCK: Oh, well! Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Ewart. You've

          been very helpful. Come on, John!

 

JOHN: I've got change, if you still want to...

SHERLOCK: Nicotine patches, remember? I'm doing well.

JOHN: So, what was all that about?

SHERLOCK: I needed to look inside his wallet.

JOHN: Why?

SHERLOCK: Mr.Ewart's a liar.

 

SHERLOCK: Hello.

MAN: The clue's in the name - Janus Cars.

SHERLOCK: Why would you be bring me a clue? 

MAN: Why does anyone do anything? Because I'm bored. We were made for each

     other, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK: Then talk to me in your own voice.

MAN: Patience.

 

 

SHERLOCK: How much blood was on that seat, would you say? 

LESTRADE: How much? About a pint.

SHERLOCK: Not about. Exactly a pint. That was their first mistake. The

          blood's definitely Ian Monkford's, but it's been frozen.

LESTRADE: Frozen?

SHERLOCK: There are clear signs. I think Ian Monkford gave a pint of his

          blood some time ago and that's what the spread on the seat.

LESTRADE: Who did?

SHERLOCK: Janus Cars. The clue's in the name.

JOHN: The god with two faces?

SHERLOCK: Excatly.

          They provide a very special service. If you've got any kind of a

          problem - money troubles, bad marriage, whatever - Janus Cars will

          help you disappear.

          Ian Monkford was in some kind of trouble - financial at a guess,

          he's a banker - couldn't see a way out. But if he were to vanish,

          if the car he hired was found with his blood on the driver's

          seat...

JOHN: So where is he?

SHERLOCK: Colombia.

JOHN: Colombia?!

SHERLOCK: Mr.Ewart, of Janus Cars, had a 20,000 Colombian peso note in his

          wallet. Quite a bit of change, too. He told us he hadn't been

          abroad recently, but when I asked him about the cars, I could see

          his tan line clearly. No-one wears a shirt on a sun bed. That,

          plus his arm.

LESTRADE: His arm?

SHERLOCK: He kept scratching it. Obviously irritating him, and bleeding.

          Why? Because he'd recently had a booster job. Hep-B, probably.

          Hard to tell at that distance. He's just back from setting Ian

          Monkford into his new life in Colombia. Mrs.Monkford cashes in the

          life insurance, and she splits it with Janus Cars.

JOHN: Mrs.Monkford?

SHERLOCK: Oh, yes. She's in on it too.

          Go and arrest them, Inspectors, that's what you do best. We need

          to let our bomber know the case is solved.

          I am on fire!

 

 

Sherlock type: Congratulations to Ian Monkford on his relocation to

               Colombia.

MAN: He says...you can come and fetch me. Help! Help me, please!

 

 

SHERLOCK: Feeling better?

JOHN: Mmm. We've hardly stopped for breath since this thing started. Has it

      occured to you...?

SHERLOCK: Probably.

JOHN: No, has it occured to you that the bomber's planing a game with you?

      The envelop, breaking into the other flat, the dead kid's shoes - it's

      all meant for you.

SHERLOCK: Yes, I know.

JOHN: Is it him, then? Moriarty?

SHERLOCK: Perhaps.

 

SHERLOCK: That could be anybody.

JOHN: It could be, yeah. Lucky for you, I've been more than a little

      unemployed.

SHERLOCK: How'd you mean?

JOHN: Lucky for you, Mrs.Hudson and I watch far too much telly.

CONNIE PRINCE: "...Thank you, Tyra! Doesn't she look lovely, everybody, now?

               "Anyway...speaking of silk purses..."

SHERLOCK: Hello?

WOMAN: This one...is a bit...defective. Sorry. She's blind. This is... a

       funny one. I'll give you...12 hours.

SHERLOCK: Why are you doing this?

WOMAN: I like...to watch you...dance.

 

CONNIE PRINCE: "...And I see you're back to your bad habits."

NEWS: "...Continuing into the Sudden death of the popular TV personality

      Connie Prince. Miss Prince, famous for her makeover programmes, was

      found dead two days ago by her brother in the house they shared..."

 

 

LESTRADE: Connie Prince, 54. She had one of those makeover shows on the

          telly. Did you see it?

SHERLOCK: No.

LESTRADE: Very popular. She was going places.

SHERLOCK: Not any more.

          So dead two days. According to one of her staff, Raoul de Santos,

          she cut her hand on a msty nail in the garden. Nasty wound.

          Tetanus bacteria enters the bloodstream, good night, Vienna.

JOHN: I suppose.

SHERLOCK: Something's wrong with this picture.

LESTARDE: Eh?

SHERLOCK: Can't be that simple, otherwise the bomber wouldn't be directing

          us towards it. Something's wrong.

          John?

JOHN: Mm.

SHERLOCK: Cut on her hand, it's deep. Would have bled a lot, right?

JOHN: Yeah.

SHERLOCK: But the wound's clean. Very clean, and fresh.

          How long would the bacteria have been incubacting inside her?

JOHN: Oh, eight, ten days.

      The cut was made later.

LESTRADE: After she was dead?

SHERLOCK: Must have been. The only question is, how did the tetanus enter

          the dead woman's system?

          You want to help, right?

JOHN: Of course.

SHERLOCK: Connie Prince's bacjground - family history, everything, get me

          data.

JOHN: Right.

LESTRADE: There's something else that we haven't thought of.

SHERLOCK: Is there?

LESTRADE: Yes. Why is he doing this - the bomber? If this woman's death was

          suspicious, why point it up?

SHERLOCK: Good Samaritan.

LESTRADE: Who press - gangs suicide bombers?

SHERLOCK: Bad Samaritan.

LESTRADE: I'm...I'm serious, Sherlock. Listen, I'm cutting you slack here.

          I'm trusting you, but out there somewhere, some poor bastard's

          covered in Semtex and he's just waiting for you to solve the

          puzzle, so just tell me, what are we dealing with?

SHERLOCK: Something new.

 

 

SHERLOCK: Connection, connection, connection. There must be a connection.

          Carl Powers, killed 20 years ago. The bomber know him, admitted

          that he knew him. The bomber's Iphone was in the stationary from

          the Czech Republic. The first hostage from Cornwall, the second

          from London, the third from Yorkshire, judging by her accent.

          What's he doing? Working his way round the world, showing off?

WOMAN: You're enjoyjing this, aren't you? Joining the...dots. Three hours.

       Boom...boom.

 

 

KENNY PRINCE: We're devastated. Of course we are.

RAOUL: Can I get you anything, sir?

JOHN: Er, no. No, thanks.

KENNY PRINCE: Raoul is my rock. I don't think I could have managed. We

              didn't always see eye to eye...but my sister was very dear to

              me.

JOHN: And to the, er, public, Mr.Prince.

KENNY PRINCE: Oh, she was adored. I've seen her take girls who looked like

              the back end of Routemasters and turn them into princesses.

              Still, it's a relief, in a way, to know that she's beyond this

              vale of tears.

JOHN: Absolutely.

 

 

SHERLOCK: Great. Thank you. Thanks again.

MRS HUDSON: It's a real shame. I liked her. She taught you how to do your

            colours.

LESTRADE: Colours?

MRS HUDSON: You know, what goes best with what. I shuld never wear cerise,

            apparently. Drains me.

LESTRADE: Who's that?

SHERLOCK: Home office.

LESTRADE: Home office?

SHERLOCK: Well, Home Secretary, actually. Owes me a favour.

MRS HUDSON: A pretty girl, but she messed about with herself too much. They

            all do these days. People can hardly move their faces. It's

            silly, isn't it?

            Did you ever see her show?

SHERLOCK: Not until now.

CONNIE PRINCE'S SHOW: "You look pasy, love.

                      "Ah, rained every day but one..."

MRS HUDSON: That's the brother. No one lost there, if you can believe the

            papers.

SHERLOCK: So I gather. I've just had a fruitful chat with people who love

          this show. The fan site's indispensable for gossip.

CONNIE PRINCE'S SHOW: "...Don't you think, girls? Off, off,off,off,off,off,

                      off!"

 

 

JOHN: It's more common than people think. The tetanus is in the soil, people

      cut themselves on rose bushes, garden forks, thst sort of thing, and

      if left un...treated...

KENNY PRINCE: I don't know what I'm going to do now.

JOHN: Right.

KENNY PRINCE: I mean, she's left me this place...which is lovely...but it's

              not the same without her.

JOHN: That's why... My paper wanted to get the, um...the full story straight

      from the horse's mouth. Are you sure it's not too soon?

KENNY PRINCE: No.

JOHN: Right.

KENNY PRINCE: You fire away.

 

 

SHERLOCK: John.

JOHN: Hi, look, get over here quickly. I think I'm onto something. You'll

      need to pick up some stuff first. Got a pen?

SHERLOCK: I remember.

 

JOHN: That'll be him.

KENNY PRINCE: What?

SHERLOCK: Ah, Mr.Prince, isn't it?

KENNY PRINCE: Yes.

SHERLOCK: Very good to meet you.

KENNY PRINCE: Yes, thank you.

SHERLOCK: So sorry to hear about...

KENNY PRINCE: Yes, yes, very kind.

JOHN: Shall we, er...?

 

JOHN: You are right, the bacteria got into her another way.

SHERLOCK: Oh,yes?

JOHN: Yes.

 

KENNY PRINCE: Right, are we all set?

JOHN: Er, yes. Shall we, um...?

KENNY PRINCE: Not too close. I'm raw from crying.

SHERLOCK: Oh, who's this?

KENNY PRINCE: Sekhmet. Named after the Egyption goddess.

SHERLOCK: How nice. Was she Connie's?

KENNY PRINCE: Yes, a little present from yours truly.

JOHN: Sherlock, light ready?

SHERLOCK: Oh, er...

          2.8.

KENNY PRINCE: Bloody hell! What are you playing at?

              Sorry!

              You're like Laurel and bloody Hardy, you two! What's going on?

JOHN: I think we've got what we came for.

      Excuse us.

KENNY PRINCE: What?

JOHN: Sherlock!

SHERLOCK: What?

JOHN: We've got deadlines.

KENNY PRINCE: But you've not taken anything!

 

 

JOHN: Yes! Ooh, yes! 

SHERLOCK: You think it was the cat. It wasn't the cat.

JOHN: What? Yes. Yeah, it is. It must be. It's how he got the tetenus into

      her system. Its paws stink of disinfectant.

SHERLOCK: Lovely idea.

JOHN: No, he coated it onto the claws of her cat. It's a new pet, bound to

      be a bit jumpy around her. A scratch is almost inevitable.

SHERLOCK: I thought of it when I saw the scratches on her arm, but it's too

          random and clever for the brother.

JOHN: He murdered his sister for her money.

SHERLOCK: Did he?

JOHN: Didn't he?

SHERLOCK: Nope. It was revenge.

JOHN: Rev...? Who wanted revenge?

SHERLOCK: Raoul, the houseboy. Kenny Prince was the butt of his sister's

          jokes. Virtnal bullying campaign. Finally, he had enough, fell out

          with her badly. It's all on the website. She threatened to

          disinherit Kenny, Raoul had grown accustomed to a certain life-

          style...

JOHN: Wait. Wait! Wait a second. What about the disinectant on the cat's

      claws?

SHERLOCK: Raoul keeps a very clean house. You came through the kitchen door,

          saw the state of that floor scrubbed within an inch of its life.

          You smell of disinfectant. No, the cat dosen't come into it.

          Raoul's internet records do, though. I hope we can get a cab from

          here.

 

 

SHERLOCK: Raoul de Santos is your killer. Kenny Prince's houseboy. Second

          autopsy shows it wasn't tetanus that poisoned Connie Prince, it

          was botulinum toxin. We've been here before. Carl Powers. Tut-tut.

          Our bomber's repeated himself.

LESTRADE: So how'd he do it?

SHERLOCK: Botox injection.

LESTRADE: Botox?

SHERLOCK: Botox is a diluted form of botulinum. Among other things, Raoul de

          Santos was employed to give Connie her regular facial injections.

          My contact at the Home Office gave me the complete records of

          Raoul's internet purchases. He's been bulk-ordering Botox for

          months. Bided his time, then upped the strength to a fatal dose.

LESTRADE: Are you sure about this?

SHERLOCK: I'm sure.

LESTRADE: All right, my office.

JOHN: Hey, Sherlock, how long?

SHERLOCK: What?

JOHN: How long have you known?

SHERLOCK: Well, this one was quite simple, actually like I said. And the

          bomber repeated himself. That was a mistake.

JOHN: No, but Sherlock, the hostage, the old woman, she's been there all

      this time!

SHERLOCK: I knew I could save her. I also knew that the bomber had given us

          12 hours. I solved the case quickly, that gave me time to get on

          with other things. Don't you see? We're one up on him.

Sherlock type: Raoul de Santos, the house-boy, botox.

SHERLOCK: Hello?

WOMAN: Help me!

SHERLOCK: Tell us where you are. Address?

WOMAN: He was so... His voice...

SHERLOCK: No, no, no, no! Tell me nothing about him, nothing.

WOMAN: He sounded so soft.

SHERLOCK: Hello?

LESTRADE: Sherlock? What's happened?

 

 

NEWS: The explosion, which ripped through several floors, killing 12 people

      ...-Old block of flats.-...Caused by a faulty gas main. A spolcosman

      from the utility company...

JOHN: He certainly gets about.

SHERLOCK: Well, obviously I lost that round. Although technically, I did

          solve the case. He killed the old lady because she stared to

          describe him. Just once, he put hiself in the firing line.

JOHN: What d'you mean?

SHERLOCK: Well, usually, he...must stay above it all. He organses these

          things, but no-one ever has direct contact.

JOHN: What, like the Connie Prince murder, he arranged that? So, people come

      to him wanting their crimes fixed up, like booking a holiday?

SHERLOCK: Novel.

          Taking his time this time.

JOHN: Anything on the Carl Powers case?

SHERLOCK: Nothing.

          All the living classmates check out spotless, no connection.

JOHN: Maybe the killer was older than Carl?

SHERLOCK: The thought had occured.

JOHN: So why is he doing this, then? Playing this game with you. Do you

      think he wants to be caught?

SHERLOCK: I think he wants to be distracted.

JOHN: Oh... I hope you'll be very happy together.

SHERLOCK: Sorry, what?

JOHN: There are lives at stake, Sherlock. Actual human lives! Just so I

      know, do you care about that at all?

SHERLOCK: Will caring about them help save them?

JOHN: Nope.

SHERLOCK: Then I'll continue not to make that mistake.

JOHN: And you find that easy, do you?

SHERLOCK: Yes, very.

             Is that news to you?

JOHN: No, no.

SHERLOCK: I've disappointed you.

JOHN: That's good, that's a good deduction, yeah.

SHERLOCK: Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist, and if

          they did, I wouldn't be one of them.

          Excellent.

          A view of the Thames. South Bank, somewhere between Southwark

          Bridge and Waterloo.

          You check the papers, I'll look online.

          Oh, you're angry with me, so you won't help. Not much cop, this

          caring lark.

JOHN: Archway suicide...

SHERLOCK: Ten-a-penny.

JOHN: Two kids stabbed in Stoke Newington.

      Ah, man found on the train line, Andrew West.

SHERLOCK: Nothing!

          It's me. Have you found anything on the South Bank between

          Waterloo Bridge and Southwark Bridge?

 

 

LESTRADE: Do you reckon this is connected, then, the bomber?

SHERLOCK: Must be. Odd, he hasn't been in touch.

LESTRADE: Then we must assume that some poor bugger's primed to explode,

          yeah?

SHERLOCK: Yes.

LESTRADE: Any ideas?

SHERLOCK: Seven, so far.

LESTRADE: Seven?

JOHN: He's dead about 24 hours. Maybe a bit longer.

LESTRADE: Did he drown?

          Apparently not.

JOHN: Not enough of the Thames in his lungs.

LESTRADE: Asphyxiated.

JOHN: Yes, I'd agree.

      There's quite a bit of bruising around the mose and mouth. More

      bruises...here and here.

SHERLOCK: Fingertips.

JOHN: He's late 30s, I'd say, not in the best condition.

SHERLOCK: He's been in the river a long while, the water's destroyed most of

          the data. But I'll tell you ont thing, that lost Vermeer

          painting's a fake.

LESTRADE: What?

SHERLOCK: We need to identify the corpse, find out about his friends and...

LESTRADE: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What painting? What are you on about?

SHERLOCK: It's all over the place, haven't you seen the posters? Duth old

          master, supposed to have been destroyed centuries ago. Now it's

          turned up, worth 30 million.

LESTRADE: OK, so what has that got to do with the stiff?

SHERLOCK: Everything.

          Have you ever heard of the Golem?

LESTRADE: Golem?

JOHN: It's a horror story, isn't it? What are you saying?

SHERLOCK: Jewish folk story, a gigantic man made of clay it's also the name

          of an assassin. Real name - Oskar Dzumdza. One of the deadliest

          assassins in the world. That is his trademark style.

LESTRADE: So this is a hit?

SHERLOCK: Definitely.

          The Golem squeezes the life out of his victims with his bare

          hands.

LESTRADE: But what has this got to do with that painting? I don'g see...

SHERLOCK: You do see, you just don't observe!

JOHN: Yes, all right, all right, girls! Calm down.

      Sherlck, do you want to take us though it?

SHERLOCK: What do we know about this corpse?

          The killer's not left us with much, just the shirt and the

          trousers. They're pretty formal, maybe he was going out for the

          night. The trousers are heavy duty. Polyester, nasty, same as the

          shirt, cheap. They're both too big for him. So some kind of

          standard-issue uniform. Dressed for work, then. What kind of work?

          There's a hook on his belt...for a walkie-talkie.

LESTRADE: Tube driver?

JOHN: Security guard?

SHERLOCK: More likely. That'll be borne out by his backside.

LESTRADE: Backside?!

SHERLOCK: Flabby, you'd think he'd led a sedentary life. Yet the soles of

          his feet and the nascent varicose veins in his legs show other-

          wise. So, a lot of walking and a lot of sitting around. Security

          guard's looking good. The watch helps too. The alarm shows he did

          regular night shifts.

LESTRDE: Why regular? Maybe he just set his alarm like that the night before

         he died.

SHERLOCK: No, no, no. The buttons are stiff, hardly touched. He set his

          alarm like that a long time ago. His routine never varied. But

          there's something else. The killer must have been interrupted,

          otherwise he would have stripped the corpse completely. There was

          some kind of badge or insignia on recognisable, sone kind of

          institution. I found this inside his trouser pockets. Sodden by

          the river, but still recognisably...

JOHN: Tickets?

SHERLOCK: Ticket stubs. He worked in a museum or gallery. Did a quick check.

          The Hickman Gallery has reported, one of its attendants as

          missing - Alex Woodbridge. Tonight, they unveil the rediscovered

          masterpiece. Now, why would anyone want to pay the Golem to

          suffocate a perfectly ordinary gallery attendant? Inference, the

          dead man knew something about it, something that would stop the

          owner getting paid 30 million. The pictures are fake.

JOHN: Fantastic.

SHERLOCK: Meretricious.

LESTRADE: And a Happy New Year.

JOHN: Poor sod.

LESTRADE: I'd better get my feelers out for this Golem character.

SHERLOCK: Pointless, you'll never find him, but I know a man who can.

LESTRADE: Who?

SHERLOCK: Me.

 

 

SHERLOCK: Why hasn't he phoned? He's broken his pattern. Why?

  Waterloo Bridge

JOHN: Where now, the gallery?

SHERLOCK: In a bit.

JOHN: The Hckman's contemporary art, isn't it? Why have they got hold of an

      old master?

SHERLOCK: Don't know. Dangerous to jump to conclusious. Need data...

 

SHERLOCK: Stop! Can you wait here? I won't be a moment.

JOHN: Sherlock?

GIRL: Change? Any change?

SHERLOCK: What for?

GIRL: Cup of tea, of course.

SHERLOCK: Here you go, 50.

GIRL: Thanks.

JOHN: What are you doing?

SHERLOCK: Investing.

 

SHERLOCK: Now we go to the gallery. Have you got any cash?

 

SHERLOCK: No. I need you to find out all you can about the gallery

          attendant. Lestrade will give you the address.

JOHN: OK.

 

 

 THE LOST VERMEER      HICKMAN

GIRL: We've been sharing about a year. Just sharing.

JOHN: May I?

GIRL: Yeah.

JOHN: Sorry. Stargaze, was he?

GIRL: God, yeah. Mad about it. It's all he ever did spare time. He was a

      nice guy, Alex. I liked him. He was, er...never much of a one for

      hoovering.

JOHN: What about art? Did he know anything about that?

GIRL: It was just  job, you know?

JOHN: Has anyone else been round asking about Alex?

GIRL: No. We had a bread-in, though.

JOHN: When?

GIRL: Last night. There was nothing taken. Oh, there was a message left for

      Alex on the land line.

JOHN: Who was it from?

GIRL: I can play it for you, if you like. I'll get the phone.

JOHN: Please.

PHONE: "Oh, should I speak now? Alex? Love, it's Professor Cairns. Listen,

       you were right. You were bloody right. Give us a call when..."

JOHN: Professor Cairns?

GIRL: No idea, sorry.

JOHN: Can I try and ring back?

GIRL: No good. I've had other calls since. Sympathy ones, you know.

TEXT: RE:BRUCE-PARTINGTON PLANS

      Have you spoken to West's fiancee yet?

      Mycroft Holmes

 

 

MISS WENCESLAS: Don't you have something to do?

SHERLOCK: Just admiring the view.

MISS WENCESLAS: Yes. Lovely. Now get back to work. We open tonight.

SHERLOCK: Doesn't it bother you?

MISS WENCESLAS: What?

SHERLOCK: That the painting's a fake.

MISS WENCESLES: What?

SHERLOCK: It's a fake. It has to be. It's the only possible explanation.

          You are in charge, aren't you, Miss Wenceslas?

MISS WENCESLAS: Who are you?

SHERLOCK: Alex Woodbridge knew that the painting was a fake, so somebody

          sent the Golem to take care of him. Was it you?

MISS WENCESLAS: Golem? What the hell are you talking about?

SHERLOCK: Are you working for someone else? Did you fake it for them?

MISS WENCESLAS: It's not a fake.

SHERLOCK: It is a fake. I don't know why. But there's something wrong with

          it, there has to be.

MISS WENCESLAS: What the hell are you on about? You know I could have you

                sacked on the spot.

SHERLOCK: Not a problem.

MISS WENCESLAS: No?

SHERLOCK: No, I don't work here, you see. Just popped in to give you a bit

          of friendly advice.

MISS WENCESLAS: How did you get in?

SHERLOCK: Please!

MISS WENCESLAS: I want to know.

SHERLOCK: The art of disguise is knowing how to hide in plain sight.

MISS WENCESLAS: Who are you?

SHERLOCK: Sherlock Holmes.

MISS WENCESLAS: Am I supposed to be impressed?

SHERLOCK: You should be. Have a nice day.

 

 

LUCY: He wouldn't. He just wouldn't.

JOHN: Strange things have happened.

LUCY: Westie wasn't a traitor. That's a horrible thing to say!

JOHN: I'm sorry. But you must understand...that's...

LUCY: That's what they think, isn't it, his bosses?

JOHN: He was a young man, about to get married, he had debts.

LUCY: Everyone's got debts, and Westie wouldn't want to clear them by

      selling out his country.

JOHN: Can you, er...? Can you tell me exactly what happened that night?

LUCY: We were having  night in. Just...watching a DVD. He normally falls

      asleep, you know, but he sat through this one. He was quiet. Out of

      the blue he said he just had to go and see someone.

JOHN: And you've no idea who?

 

JOE: Hi, Liz. You OK, love?

LUCY: Yeah.

JOE: Who's this?

JOHN: John Watson, hi.

LUCY: This is my brother, Joe.

      John's trying to find out what happened to Westie, Joe.

JOE: You with the police?

JOHN: Sort of, yeah.

JOE: Tell them to get off their arses, will you? It's bloody ridiculous.

JOHN: I'll do my best.

      Thanks very much for your help. Again, I'm very, very sorry.

LUCY: He didn't steal those things, Mr.Watson. I know Westie, he was a good

      man. He was my good man.

 

 

GIRL: Spare change?

PASSERBY: No.

GIRL: Any spare change?

 

 

JOHN: Alex Woodbridge didn't know anything special about art.

SHERLOCK: And?

JOHN: And...

SHERLOCK: Is that it? No habits, hobbies, personality?

JOHN: Give us a chance. He was an amateur astronomer.

SHERLOCK: Hold that cab.

GIRL: Spare change, sir?

SHERLOCK: Don't mind if I do.

JOHN: Can you wait here?

Paper from girl: VAUXHALL ARCHES

SHERLOCK: Fortunately, I haven't been idle. Come on.

 

 

SHERLOCK: Beautiful, isn't it?

JOHN: I thought you didn't care about...

SHERLOCK: Doesn't mean I can't appreciate it.

JOHN: Listen, Alex Woodbridge had a message on the answerphone at hisflat. A

      Professor Cairns.

SHERLOCK: This way.

JOHN: Nice. Nice part of town.

      Any time you want to explain?

SHERLOCK: Homeless network. Really is indispensable.

JOHN: Homeless network?

SHERLOCK: My eyes and ears, all over the city.

JOHN: Ah, that's...clever. So you scratch their backs, and...?

SHERLOCK: Yes, then disinfect myself.

 

JOHN: Sherlock! Come on!

      What's he doing sleeping rough?

SHERLOCK: Well, he has a very distinctive look. He has to hide somewhere

          where tongues won't wag...much.

JOHN: Oh, shit!

SHERLOCK: What?

JOHN: I wish I...

SHERLOCK: Don't mention it.

 

SHERLOCK: No! No! No! No!

          It'll take us weeks to find him again.

JOHN: Or not. I have an idea where he might be going.

SHERLOCK: What?

JOHN: I told you, someone left Alex Woodbridge a message. There can't be

      that many Professor Cairns in the book. Come on.

 

 

VIDEO: "Jupiter, the fifth planet in our solar system, and the largest.

       Jupiter is a gas giant. Planet Earth would fit into it 11 times."

PRO.CAIRNS: Yes, we know that.

VIDEO: "Titan is the largest moon..."

PRO.CAIRNS: Come on, Neptune.

VIDEO: "Many are actually long dead..."

PRO CAIRNS: Tom, is that you?

VIDEO: "...exploded into supernovas." Discovered by Urbain Le Veriet in 1846

       ...""...composed mainly of hydrogen." Their light takes so long to

       reach us..."

SHERLOCK: Golem!

VIDEO: "...many are actually long dead, exploded into..."

SHERLOCK: I can't see him.

JOHN: I'll go round.

SHERLOCK: Who are you working for this time, Dzundza?

VIDEO: "Astar begin as a collapsing ball of material composed mainly of..."

SHERLOCK: Golem!

JOHN: Let him go... or I will kill you.

VIDEO: "The fourth planet of the solar system, named after the Roman god of

       war."...it is a gas giant..."...takes so long to reach us...into

       supernovas..."exploded into supernovas..."

 

 

SHERLOCK: It's a fake. It has to be.

MISS WENCESLAS: The painting has been subjected to every test known to

               science.

SHERLOCK: It's a very good fake, then. You know about this, don't you? This

          is you, isn't it?

MISS WENCESLAS: Inspector, my time is being wasted. Would you mind showing

                yourself and your friends out?

SHERLOCK: The painting is a fake. It's a fake, that's why Woodbridge and

          Cairns were killed. Oh, come on, proving is just a detail. The

          painting is a fake. I've solved it, I've figured it out. It's a

          fake, that's the answer, that's why they were killed.

          OK, I'll prove it. Give me time. Will you give me time?

PHONE

KID: "Ten..."

LESTRADE: It's a kid. Oh, god! It's a kid!

JOHN: What did he say?

SHERLOCK: Ten.

KID: "Nine..."

SHERLOCK: It's a countdown. He's giving me time.

LESTRADE: Jesus...

SHERLOCK: It's a fake, but how can I prove it? How?! How?!

KID: "Eight..."

SHERLOCK: This kid will die. Tell me why the painting is a fake. Tell me!

KID: "Seven..."

SHERLOCK: No, shut up. Don't say anything. It only works if I figure it out.

          It must be possible. It must be staring me in the face.

KID: "Six..."

SHERLOCK: How? Woodbridge knew, but how?!

KID: "Five..."

JOHN: It's speeding up! Sherlock! 

KID: "Four..."

SHERLCK: Oh! In the Planetatium, you heard it too. Oh, that is brilliant,

         that is gorgeous!

KID: "Three..."

LESTRADE: What's brilliant? What is?!

SHERLOCK: This is beautiful. Love this!

KID: "Two..."

LESTARDE: Sherlock!

SHERLOCK: The Van Buren Supernova.

KID: "Please, is somebody there? Somebody help me."

SHERLOCK: There you go. Go and find out where he is and pick hime up.

          Van Buren Supernova, so-called. Exploding star. Only appeared is

          the sky in 1858.

JOHN: So how could it have been...painted in the 1640s?

TEXT: My patience is wearing thin.

      Mycroft Holmes

JOHN: Oh, Sherl...

 

 

SHERLOCK: You know, it's interesting. Bohemian Stationery, an assassin named

          after a Prague legend, and you, Miss Wenceslas. This whole case

          has a distinctly Czeeh feeling about it. Is that where this leads?

          What are we looking at, Inspector?

LESTRADE: Well, criminal conspiracy, fraud, accessory after the fact, at

          the very least. The murder of the old woman, all the people in the

          flat...

MISS WENCESLAS: I didn't know anrthing about that. All those things, please,

                believe me. I just wanted my share. The 30 million.

                I found a little old man in Argentina. A genius - I mean,

                really. Brushwork, immaculate. Could fool anyone.

SHERLOCK: Mmm.

MISS WENCESLAS: Well, nearly anyone.

                But I didn't know how to go about convincing the world the

                picture was genuine. It was just an idea. A spark which he

                blew into a flame.

SHERLOCK: Who?

MISS WENCESLAS: I don't know.

                It's true! It took a long time, but eventually I was... put

                in touch with people. His people... Well, there was never

                any real contact. Just messages... whispers.

SHERLOCK: And did those whispers have a name?

MISS WENCESLAS: Moriarty.

 

 

JOHN: So this is where West was found? 

WORKER: Yeah.

        Are you going to be long?

JOHN: I might be.

WORKER: Are you the police, then?

JOHN: Sort of.

WORKER: I hate'em.

JOHN: The police?

WORKER: No, jumpers. People who chuck'emselves in front of trains. Selfish

        bastards.

JOHN: Well, that's one way of looking at it.

WORKER: I mean it. It's all right for them. It's over in a split second,

        strawberry jam all over the lines. What about the drivers, eh?

        They've got to live with it, haven't they?

JOHN: Yeah, speaking of strawberry jam, there's no blood on the line. Has it

      been cleaned off?

WORKER: No, there wasn't that much.

JOHN: You said his head was smashed in.

WORKER: It was, but there wasn't much blood.

JOHN: OK.

WORKER: Well, I'll leave you to it, then. Just give us a shout when you're

        off.

JOHN: Right.

 

JOHN: Right, so, Andrew West...got on the train somewhere. Or did he? There

      was no ticket on the body. How did he end up here?

SHERLOCK: The points.

JOHN: Yes!

SHERLOCK: I knew you'd get there eventually. West wasn't killed here, that's

          why there was so little blood.

JOHN: How long have you been following me?

SHERLOCK: Since the start.

          You don't think I'd give up on a case like this just to spite my

          brother, do you? Come on, we've got a bit of burglary to do.

 

 

SHERLOCK: Missile defence plans haven't left the country, otherwise

          Mycroft's people would have heard about it. Despite what people 

          think, we do still have a secret service.

JOHN: Yeah, I know, I've met them.

SHERLOCK: Which means whoever stole the memory stick can't sell it or

          doesn't know what to do with it. My money's on the latter.

          We're here.

JOHN: Where?

      Sherlock! What if there's someone in?

SHERLOCK: There isn't.

JOHN: Jesus...

      Where are we?

SHERLOCK: Oh, sorry, didn't I say? Joe Harrison's flat.

JOHN: Joe...?

SHERLCK: Brother of West's fiancee. He stole the memory stick, killed his

         prospective brother-in-law.

JOHN: Then why did he do it?

SHERLOCK: Let's ask him.

 

JOHN: Don't! Don't.

JOE: Wasn't meant to... What's Lucy gonna say? Jesus.

JOHN: Why did you kill him?

JOE: It was an accident. I swear it was.

SHERLOCK: But stealing the plans for the missile defence program wasn't an

          accident, was it?

JOE: I started dealing drugs. I mean, the bike thing's a great cover, right?

     I don't know how it started. I just got out of my depth. I owed people

     thousands. Serious people. Then at Westie's engagement do, he starts

     talking about his job. I mean, he's so careful. But that night, after a

     few pints, he really opened up. He told me about these missile plans.

     Beyond top secret. He showed me the memory stick, he waved it in front

     of me. You hear about those things getting lost, ending up on rubbish

     tips and whatnot. But there it was. And I thought... Well, I thought it

     could be worth a fortune. It was pretty easy to get the thing off him,

     he was so plastered. Next time I saw him, I could tell by the look on

     his face that he knew.

   "JOE: What are you doing here? 

    WEST: What have you done with the plans?"

JOHN: What happened?

 

JOE: I was going to call an ambulance, but it was too late. I just didn't

     have a clue what to do. So I dragged him in'ere. I just sat in the

     dark, thinking.

SHERLOCK: When a neat little idea popped into your head.

          Carrying Andrew West way away from here. His body would have gone

          on for ages if the train hadn't hit a stretch of track that

          curved.

JOHN: And points.

SHERLOCK: Exactly.

JOHN: Do you still have it, then - the memory stick?

SHERLOCK: Fetch it for me, if you wouldn't mind.

          Distraction over - the game continues.

JOHN: Maybe that's over, too. We've heard nothing from the bomber.

SHERLOCK: Five pips, remember, John. It's countdown. We've only had four.

 

 

SHERLOCK: No, no, no! Course he's not the boy's father. Look at the turn-ups

          on his jeans!

JOHN: I knew it was dangerous. Getting you into crap telly.

SHERLOCK: Not a patch on Counie Price.

JOHN: Have you goiven Mycroft the memory stick yet?

SHERLCK: Yep. He was over the moon. Threatened me with a knighthood...again.

JOHN: You know, I'm still waiting.

SHERLOCK: Hm?

JOHN: For you to admit that a little knowledge of the solar system and you'd

      have cleared up the fake painting a lot quicker.

SHERLOCK: It didn't do you any good, did it?

JONH: No, but I'm not the world's only consulting detective.

SHERLOCK: True.

JOHN: I won't be in for tea. I'm going to Sarah's. There's still some of

      that risotto left in the fridge. Milk, we need milk.

SHERLOCK: I'll get some.

JOHN: Really?

SHERLCOK: Really.

JONH: And some beans, then?

SHERLCOK: Mm.

 

Sherlock type: Found. The Bruce - Partington plans. Please collect. The

               Pool. Midnight.

 

 

SHERLOCK: Bought you a little getting-to-konw-you present. That's what it's

          all been for, isn't it? All your little puzzles, making me dance.

          All to distract me from this.

JOHN: Evening. This is a turn-up, isn't it, Sherlock?

SHERLOCK: John! What the hell...?

JOHN: Bet you never saw this coming. What...would you like me to make him

      say...next? Gottle o'gear, gottle o'gear, gottle o'gear.

SHERLOCK: Stop it.

JOHN: Nice touch, this. The pool, where little Crl died. I stopped him. I

      can stop John Waston, too. Stop his heart.

SHERLOCK: Who are you?

MORIARTY: I gave you my number. I thought you might call. Is that a British

          Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see

          me?

SHERLOCK: Both.

MORIARTY: Jim Moriarty. Hi.

          Jim? Jim from the hospital? Oh, did I really make such a fleeting

          impression? But then, I suppose, that was rather the point.

          Don't be silly. Someone else is holding the rifle. I didn't like

          getting my hands dirty.

          I've given you a glimpse, Sherlock, just a teensy glimpse of what

          I've got going on out there in the big bad world. I'm a

          specialist, you see. Like you.

SHERLOCK: Dear Jim...please will you fix it for me to get rid of my lover's

          nasty sister? Dear Jim, please will you fix it for me to disappear

          to South America?

MORIARTY: Just so.

SHERLOCK: Consulting criminal.

          Brilliant.

MORIARTY: Isn't it? No-one ever gets to me. Now you're in my way.

SHERLOCK: Thank you.

MORIARTY: Didn't mean it as a compliment.

SHERLOCK: Yes, you did.

MORIARTY: Yeah, OK, I did. But the flirting's over, Sherlock. Daddy's had

          enough now. I've shown you what I can do. I cut loose all those

          people, all those little problems, even 30 million quid, just to

          get you to come out and play. So take this as a friendly warning

          ... my dear. Back off. Although I have loved this, this little

          game of ours. Playing Jim from IT. Playing gay. Did you like the

          little touch with the underwear?

SHERLOCK: People have died.

MORIARTY: That's what people do!

SHERLOCK: I will stop you.

MORIARTY: No, you won't.

SHERLOCK: Are you all right?

MORIARTY: You can talk, Johnny boy. Go ahead.

SHERLOCK: Take it.

MORIARTY: Mm? Oh...that? The missile plans. Boring! I could've got them

          anyway.

JOHN: Sherlock, run!

MORIARTY: Good! Very good.

JOHN: If your sniper pulls that trigger, Mr.Moriarty, then we both go up.

MORIARTY: Isn't he sweety? I can see why you like having him around. But

          then, people do get so sentimental about their pets. They're so

          touchingly loyal. But oops! You've rather shown your hand there.

          Dr.Waston.

          Gotcha.

          Westwood.

          Do you know what happens if you don't leave me alone, Sherlock? To

          you?

SHERLOCK: Oh, let me guess. I get killed.

MORIARTY: Kill you? No, don't be obvious. I mean, I'm going to kill you

          anyway, some day. I don't want to rush it, though. I am saring it

          up for something special. No, no, no, no, no. If you don't stop

          prying, I'll burn you. I'll burn the heart out of you.

SHERLOCK: I have been reliably informed that I don't have one.

MORIARTY: But we both know that's not quite true.

          Well, I'd better be off. Well, so nice to have had a proper chat.

SHERLOCK: What if I was to shoot you now? Right now?

MORIARTY: Then you could cherish the look of surprise on my face. Cos I'd

          be surpried, Sherlock. Really, I would. And just a teensy bit...

          disappointed. And of course, you wouldn't be able to cherish it

          for very long. Ciao, Sherlock Holmes.

SHERLOCK: Catch you...later.

MORIARTY: No, you won't.

 

SHERLOCK: All right? Are you all right?

JOHN: Yeah, I'm fine. Sherlock...Sherlock!

      Oh, Christ.

      Are you OK?

SHERLOCK: Me? Yeah, fine. Fine.

          That, er...thing that you...that you did, that, um...you offered

          to do...that was, um...good.

JOHN: I'm glad no-one saw that.

SHERLOCK: Mm?

JOHN: You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might

      talk.

SHERLCK: They do little else.

JOHN: Oh...

 

MORIARTY: Sorry, boys. I'm so changeable! It is a weakness with me, but to

          be fair to myself, it is my only weakness. You can't be allowed to

          continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you, but every-

          thing I have to say has alreasy crossed your mind.

SHERLOCK: Probably my answer has crossed yours.

 

----------------------THE  END----------------------------------------------