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翻译：尹兴圣 （冷雨）

Getting to That Safe Place

驶向那心中的避风港

翻译：尹兴圣 （冷雨）

Elisabeth Fairfield Stokes

   伊丽莎白·费尔菲尔德·斯托克斯

I met him at the coffee place where I was working after I’d dropped out of graduate school out West, many states and several states of mind away from the New England college town to which I’d returned. I was floating between Gen X jobs, living in the aftermath of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship that had left me dazed and shaky, still absently rubbing my arms where bruises had marbled them, unable to look much in mirrors because I felt exposed, vulnerable.

我从西部研究生院退学后，就在一家咖啡店工作，在这里，我邂逅了他。之后我回到了新英格兰大学城，带回的是那段“遥远”挥之不去的记忆。我频繁变换工作，始终走不出那段令我身心饱受折磨的感情经历。想起那段感情，我茫然战栗，有时还会无意识地去触碰还有些淤伤的手臂。我不敢对着镜子多看自己一眼，怕看到一个毫无伪装的，敏感脆弱的自己。

I dated here and there because it seemed like something people did. I would follow along like an observer of my own life, watching myself at the movies, ordering a Scotch at a bar afterward, being dropped off at my car, giving a long look and a quick kiss.

我到处约会，使自己也像其他人一样，试着融入他们的生活轨迹。我就像在电影中看自己一样不断调整自己，我也会为自己点上一杯苏格兰酒，然后被人送回自己的车旁，彼此互相凝视，给对方一个轻吻。

He was a regular, lingering at the counter after I gave him his coffee, smiling and trying to hold my gaze. He bought board games and left them at the bar along the window, an excuse, he said later, to hang around and watch me. One Tuesday I hurried past his table on my way outside, not breaking stride, answering him with a “Hey, how are you?” And pretty soon he was blocking the early spring sun I had lifted my closed eyes to.

他那时是我们咖啡店的常客，每次当我递给他咖啡后，他都会在柜台前停留一段时间，微笑着看着我，试着能与我目光相遇。他还买了棋盘游戏，就存放在咖啡店靠窗的地方。后来他才告诉我，其实这只是个借口罢了，就是为了可以在咖啡店多待片刻，能有多点机会看到我。有一天，当时是周二，我急匆匆往店外赶，从他的桌旁经过，没有放慢脚步，边走边向他回应“嗨，你好。”很快，他站起来，挡在我面前，挡住了我看初春阳光的视线。

I don’t remember much between opening them resentfully, sighing, and sleeping with him a few days later. I had no money, no place to be, and he took my weariness, my lack of interest, as a challenge. We were almost instantly inseparable, delighting in how much we had in common, as all new lovers do until they don’t. A stranger paid for our meal in a pizza joint because we looked, according to the waitress, “so happy and in love.”

就这样我们开始了交往，刚开始的那段时间，我有过不满，也有过抱怨，但几天后我就和他同居了，这个过程，我并没有太多记忆。我只记得那时我没钱，也没地方可去，是他让我不再感觉疲倦，不再乏味不堪，这可真是个挑战。我们很快便如漆似胶，为我们之间有那么多相同点而开心不已，这点应该和那些刚开始热恋的情侣一样吧。记得有一次在皮萨店里，一个陌生人帮我们买了单，后来服务员透露，那是因为我们看起来“如此快乐，相亲相爱。”

He had a trust fund and spent it heedlessly on toys and clothes and eating out. I accepted his gifts and ate the meals and stayed constantly at his side, even quitting the coffee job so we could be together.

他手中持有信托基金，便用来肆意购置玩具和服装，外出用餐。我接受了他的礼物，陪他吃饭，始终陪伴他左右，后来干脆辞了工作，这样我们就可以一直在一起了。

He was affectionate, tender; told me I was beautiful, that he loved me. I was broken, exhausted, lost, and I left him take care of me, but the long goodbye began when the tough-girl facade he found so irresistible inevitably slipped. The fragility it had masked was more than he was interested in dealing with, after the rush of rescuing me from the rage of something he didn’t understand.

他深情款款，温柔体贴；他夸我美丽，说他爱我。然而我却心灰意懒，倍感疲惫，整日魂不守舍，就指望他来照顾我。那个有着坚强外表的女孩，曾让他欲罢不能，然而这种坚强注定不在时，对他也不再有吸引力了，于是我们分开了很长一段时间，因为他发现，我会莫名奇妙地勃然大怒，即使他能立刻安抚我，也乐意去面对我的敏感脆弱，然而我伪装的坚强外表下的脆弱也远非他能承受的了。

Dinners at his favorite restaurant became opportunities for him to explain how “it” was, how I was wrong about feminism and affirmative action, how men, especially white men, are discriminated against, how he thought he got bad service in restaurants because people assumed he wouldn’t tip well because he was young. He especially seemed to hate this Catch-22 he imagined for himself: Should he tip well for bad service to prove that he knew how to tip well?

    我们在他最喜欢的餐馆里吃晚饭，这可是他给我趁机解释很多事情的时机：谈一些事情的来龙去脉；他说我对待女权主义和平权法案的态度是多么错误；认为男性，尤其是白种男性受到多少歧视；谈到餐馆服务人员认为他年轻，不太会付小费，对他的服务很糟糕。他看起来特别憎恨这种他臆想出来的尴尬情景：为糟糕的服务而较体面地去支付小费，难道仅是证明自己知道如何付小费？

 I picked at my food, nodding that, yes, I liked the wine, and, yes, I understood it was hard to select a wine that would complement our different meals and I’m sorry I wouldn’t order the veal but I just couldn’t and I thought the wine was fine with my pasta and vegetables and julienne of hot peppers, and, yes, it did seem possible that we might be the most attractive couple there.

我细细品尝着面前的食物，点头啧啧称赞，嗯，味道真不错，点的葡萄酒我也喜欢，要知道能选出这样的一种葡萄酒，适合我们所点的多种菜肴，实属不易。不过很遗憾，碰巧我不能够点一盘小牛肉，但是有了这瓶葡萄酒，配上意大利面、蔬菜和辣椒丝片很合口味，嗯，很好，我们看起来是餐馆里最吸引人的一对。

It didn’t quite end there, however. I slowly extracted myself; it was hard for me to accept that it had mostly been about sex for him, that and some damsel-in-distress fantasy I seemed to have dispelled, because I think it’s possible that he did care for me at some point. I didn’t understand then that I had used him, too, to learn how to get from Point A to Point B again, and, let’s be honest, to simply eat at times

然而，这种关系并没有一直维系下去，我渐渐从这段感情中抽身出来。我认为他很可能在某个方面还是很在乎我的，所以我很难接受他和我在一起几乎都是为了性，也很难接受他沉浸在拯救一个失落少女之类的遐想中，对我来说，曾经失落的记忆已经渐渐淡化。我那时并没有意识到我也利用了他，反复从一个地点到另一个地点，说实话，这不过仅仅是为了偶尔去餐馆吃个饭而已。

                           翻译：尹兴圣 （冷雨）  2012年9月23日于南京