排名第四的动物: 射水鱼

能力: 精准射击

原理: 在印度和波利尼西亚，射水鱼的主食是昆虫。但和我们平时看到的鱼不一样，它可不是什么遵纪守法、守株待兔的家伙。射水鱼用它那专门进化的下颚喷出一条15尺长的水柱，专敲那些蠢虫的闷棍。它们都是熟练的神射手，它们可以自己调整光的折射，然后一口水打下离水面6尺以上的虫子。这太好了，它们只对付虫子；就让这些动物自相残杀吧，我们都这样想的吧。不过，在我们的孩子被这些致命的狙击手干掉前，还能让孩子们在波利尼西亚河流域玩多久呢？

同类: 专业杀手莱昂，西莫.海亚，露舍利的罗宾汉（今夕注3）。

额外能力: 良好的公关关系让两艘美国潜艇以它命名。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 污染世界上某些河流，可能会让它们的视线模糊一点。赶快动手。

 

排名第三的动物: 环尾猫

能力: 灵活敏捷

原理: 普通家猫已经够恐怖了: 利爪、邪眼、内部的“平衡系统”；而且可以保证，不管把它从多高的建筑物上扔下来也死不了，你能得到的最好结果也只是这猫四腿骨折而已。再来看看环尾猫，它居然可以倒退爬下一条摇晃的管道。环尾猫能把“猫一样的灵活敏捷”发挥到一种近乎荒谬的程度，它们甚至在细树枝上侧手翻，只是为了转个方向而已，它们还能把脚旋转180度，甚至是在岩壁两边来回弹跳着向上攀爬。天哪，它们不仅比我们敏捷得多，还让我们看上去很愚蠢。有报道说俄罗斯正忙于招募环尾猫参加2012年室内体操赛。就这样，邪眼的魔力更胜往昔（今夕注，魔戒里的话）。

同类: “刺客信条”里的阿泰尔，山姆·费雪，肖恩·约翰逊（今夕注4）.

额外能力: 环尾猫是杂食动物。现在，我们不想过分惊吓任何人，但您知道么“杂食性”如果直译就是“什么都吃”！

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 在全国范围内的"杆上涂油"运动。

 

排名第二的动物: 鮟鱇鱼

能力: 死后受孕

原理: 即使在海底进行地毯式轰炸也不可能完全消灭这些东西（虽然这算是个不错的开始）。有些特别难对付的鮟鱇鱼甚至可以在死后怀孕。当它们中的雄性发现雌性后，会像我们人类一样大献殷勤: 轻咬她的皮肤，分泌一种神秘的酶，把自己的嘴唇和她部分身体溶解，让自己的身体成为一条食管永久附着在伴侣身上。管子的另一头是性腺，由雌性决定何时将宝贵的生命种子释放到她体内。这就相当于男人总会在前女友哪里留上点什么东西，以便“她以后需要我”时就能……（今夕注，这几段有点Ａ，意思反正是到了）

同类: 每一个“不小心”在前女友那儿留下些东西，然后以找回为借口约会的男生。

额外能力: 脑袋上长着发光诱饵，能适应深海压力，伪装术。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 大量供应避孕药（事后丸）。

排名第一的动物: 章鱼

能力: 每件麻烦事它都有份

原理: 除了棕皮人（今夕注5）以外，对国家安全最危险的家伙就属它了。它们算是世界上最聪明的无脊椎动物，而且还能自断触手、喷射墨汁、以完美的节奏顺着水流活动，能挤过不比二角五分硬币大多少的空间，并能变色以融入周围环境。由于超能力多到离谱，目前生物学研究可以断言: 那可以算是，而且事实上就是，神迹。

同类: 奇幻先生，神奇上尉和龙虾医生。（今夕注6）

额外能力: 事实上它们不太需要额外的能力了，但研究者相信某些章鱼可以用两条腿在陆地上行走，就是看上去好像一只椰子。所以，下次你做果汁混合酒时，先调味后说话，免得顺手把章鱼加进去。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 如果章鱼真开始攻击了，我们到时候也做不了什么。最好的计划就是将地球变成核地狱吧，让文明重新起源吧。反正，如果运气好的话，辐射后的突变体应该不会太强大或是太丑陋吧。

 

注1: 特氟隆: 也称特富龙或聚四氟乙烯，被用来作为烹饪用具的涂层，在工业上防止粘附。
注2: 混沌翡翠: 来源于世嘉游戏刺猬索尼克系列中的传说7宝石，该宝石能产生的力量是无穷的，将其拿走可以让索尼克变无敌。此外能使用宝石力量的还有银色针鼹和闪电猫。
注3: 杀手LEON: 这部电影差不多是人尽皆知了吧。
       西莫·海亚,号称“白色死神”的芬兰狙击手之王,1939年到1940年在苏芬战场上狙杀了542名苏军；
       侠盗罗宾汉: 在英国,舍伍德森林里的罗宾汉的名字就是robin of Loxley, 因为他的父亲是个没落封建主,封地正是Loxley.
注4: 阿泰尔: “刺客信条”这款经典游戏的男主角。
       山姆·费雪: 经典游戏“纵横谍海”的男主角。
       肖恩·约翰逊: 2008体操平衡木冠军，卸装后居然是个美女。
注5: 棕色人种: 暗指中东的恐怖分子。
注6: Mr. Fantastic: 《神奇四侠》中的奇幻先生。
　　 Captain Marvel:  漫画英雄中正义联盟的神奇上尉，这里指的是变坏的邪恶上尉。
　　 Dr. Zoidberg: 超级搞笑科幻动画片《辛普森一家》，也称龙虾医生，佐艾伯格,一只貌似龙虾的外星人，虽然是公司的队医，他对人类的生理结构一无所知，故常断症错误。Zoidberg 也是非常愚蠢和贫穷的。他平时住在垃圾堆里。很多观众都认为 Zoidberg是全剧最惹笑的角色。

英文原文对照

#4.The Animal: Archer Fish

The Power: Sharpshooting

How It Works: The archerfish of India and Polynesia feed primarily on

insects. Only, unlike normal, International Law-abiding fish, they don

’t just wait for a bug to fly into the water and drown. The

archerfish uses a specially-shaped lower jaw to shoot a jet of water

up to fifteen feet long to knock insects out of overhanging branches.

They are such skilled marksman that they can routinely shoot and kill

an insect six feet above the surface of the water, while compensating

for light refraction. Which is all well and good when they’re only

shooting at bugs; let the animals wipe each other out, we say. But how

long can we allow our children to cavort and play on the branches

overhanging Polynesian rivers before we lose one to these deadly

snipers?

 

Spirit Animal Of: Leon from The Professional, Simo Hayha??, Robin of

Loxley??

Additional Powers: Enough PR to get two U.S. submarines named after

them.

Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Polluting some of the

world’s rivers might fuzzy up their aim a bit. Get on it.

#3.The Animal: Ring-tailed Cat

The Power: Agility

How It Works: Your average house cat is already fairly threatening:

claws, the evil eye, and an internal “righting mechanism” that

guarantees that no matter how high a building you drop them off of,

the best you’re going to get is four broken kitty legs. Enter the

ring-tailed cat, probably shimmying backwards down a pipe. The ring-

tail cat has taken “cat-like agility” to an absurd degree, routinely

performing cartwheels on narrow branches in order to change direction,

rotating their feet up to 180 degrees, and climbing up cervices in

rock by ricochet-jumping back and forth between each side. That’s

right; they can’t just out-agile us, they’ve got to rub it in our

faces too??. Word has it the Russians are busy recruiting ring-taileds

for their 2012 floor gymnastics team. All that, and the evil eye is

strong as ever.

 

Spirit Animal Of: Altair from Assassin’s Creed, Sam Fischer, Shawn

Johnson

Additional Powers: The ring-tailed cat is omnivorous. Now, we don’t

want to frighten anyone unduly, but did you know that the literal

translation of omnivorous is “eats everything?”

Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: A nation-wide pole-

greasing campaign.

#2.The Animal: Anglerfish

The Power: Post-Mortem(死后的) Impregnation

How It Works: Even a carpet bombing of the sea floor may not be enough

to wipe these things out for good (although it’s not a bad start).

Some particularly stubborn anglerfish species are able to procreate

even from beyond the watery grave. The males of the species, when they

find a female, will proceed with foreplay in the manner any of us

would: by biting into her skin, then secreting an enzyme that

dissolves his lips and part of her body, permanently attaching himself

to her in the form of a decaying food tube. At the other end of the

tube are the gonads, primed to release their precious payload at the

woman’s discretion. That’s the human equivalent of stapling your

nuts?? to an ex-girlfriend, on the premise that “she might need them

later.”

 

Spirit Animal Of: Every needy boyfriend who ever “accidentally” left

something at your apartment so he could drop by to pick it up.

Additional Powers: Bioluminescent head-lures, extreme resistance to

undersea water pressure, camouflage.

Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: An abundant supply of

morning after(宿醉) pills(事后丸?).

#1.The Animal: Octopus

The Power: Every fucking thing

How It Works: The Octopus may very well be the biggest threat to

national security since brown people. They’re the most intelligent

invertebrate in the world, can detach their arms, spray ink, move in

perfect cadence with underwater currents, squeeze through any space

larger than a quarter, and change color to blend in with their

surroundings. Due to the inordinate number of superhuman powers they

were granted, current biological studies assert that they may, in

fact, be God.

 

Spirit Animal Of: Mr. Fantastic, Captain Marvel (the shitty one), Dr.

Zoidberg

Additional Powers: Not that they need any, but researchers now believe

that some octopi are capable of walking on land on two legs, while

disguising themselves as a coconut. So the next time you’re going to

make piña coladas, blend first and ask questions later.

Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: If the octopi are

attacking, there’s really not a whole lot we can do. The best plan

would be to nuke the Earth to hell and start over. There’s a good

chance the radioactive mutants spawned in the apocalypse won’t be as

powerful or weird looking, anyway.

 

文章来源：译言网