一个月前，甄小美和依依在游泳池打了一架。我和依依妈妈都采取了“不插手，信任孩子，跟随孩子方式”的态度。当天晚上，我和甄小美用“共同解决问题的6个步骤”，沟通这件事。没想到她的解决方法和态度，感动得我掉了眼泪。

At our bed time on the day Serenity and Yi Yi had a physical fight at the pool, I bring the issue up.

 

“Sweetheart, would you like to talk about the fight with Yi Yi today? It’s not for blaming you, mommy is not upset either. I just wanna know how you felt and what you thoughts were?”

 

“Yes.” --  It’s not the first time we use “the 6 steps of joint problem solving”.

 

“So how did you feel when you guys were fighting?”

 

“I felt very very angry, I was mad at her! I wanted to hit her very hard!” She raises her little fist again.

 

“I see, you were really upset when she was trying to take the water gun away from you. Did you feel furious when she hit you? ”

 

“Yes mommy,” she almost bursts into tears in grievance again, “I was in a rage. And I was very very sad that you didn’t come help me.”

 

“Wow!” I am surprised by her strong emotions, and by her vocabulary. “I understand all your feelings.” I cuddle with her tightly.

 

“How did you feel?” She is so used to this conversation that she moves to the next step by herself.

 

“Well, when you guys were fighting with hands, Yi Yi’s mom and I were actually watching you two. I didn’t stop you and her because I trust you are strong enough to handle a fight, and learn how to protect yourself.  I know you guys would not hurt each other badly. I actually felt quite calm. Sometimes it’s ok to fight, both of you will learn how to fight properly. ” I can feel she relaxes up in my arms.

 

“Then when she hit you on your head with the water gun, I stopped her, remember?” She shakes her head. Both girls were so angry at that moment that it’s perfectly normal they didn’t remember clearly.

 

“Do you remember what happened next?” I ask her

 

“You hugged me.”

 

“Yes, I was hugging and kissing you, you were crying. Yi Yi’s mom was also hugging her, she was crying badly as well. Both Yi Yi’s mom and I loved you guys, we didn’t want either of you to really get hurt, hitting another with a weapon could cause bad hurt.”

 

She does not say anything. I carry on: “Do you remember what I asked you after you calmed down? I asked if you two wanted to keep fighting without the water gun? Because we moms stopped you, you didn’t stop by yourselves – I wanted to give you freedom, and I trusted you would grow from this experience. You both said yes! To be honest, I was a bit worried, as you were still very angry. You went to Yi Yi, and hit her on her chest in the exact way you wanted!”

 

Serenity punches straight in the air: “like this!”

 

“Yi Yi cried again. Did you feel less angry afterwards?”

 

“No……”

 

“So maybe fighting does not help. Do you remember how you guys became happy eventually?”

 

“I asked her if she wanna eat dumplings with me!”

 

“Exactly, sharing makes people happy. We all had a great dinner together, didn’t we? Yi Yi’s mommy shared her rice with you, you shared one dumpling with her.”

 

Serenity nodded her head.

 

“So, in the future, if similar thing happens again, what can we do? Do you have good ideas?”

 

She thought for a few seconds: “I can say: ‘Stop! I don't like it!’ or, I can dive in the water, hit her, and dive in the water again, she can’t swim!” – that was one of the ways she fought with Yi Yi earlier today, apparently she is fairly proud of her tactic. (After two months, when I had a talk with Serenity’s new kindergarten teacher, she told me Serenity “uses her word instead of her hand to express herself very well”)

 

“Well, it sounds making sense, you can try. I am sure you will eventually find a way to get along with people well. It takes time. What would you like mommy to do if you are angry and want to fight?”

 

“I want you to hug me and hold me!”

 

“How about we do the role-play? You are mommy and I am you, you show me how you will do?”

 

“Ok!” – we do this practice often.

 

She sits up, I am laying on bed, and raise my fist, pretending yelling: “Mommy, I am so mad now, I wanna hit her!!!” Surprisingly, when I put myself in the situation, although it’s not real, I can clearly feel the emotions: angry, upset, anxious, also sad, scared, and helpless. I feel like crying!

 

Serenity stretches all her arm length, trying to give me a full hug, saying very gently: “I know, I know, I know you are very mad.”

Hearing her validation, I almost really burst into tears, my voice is a bit choked: “Yes, I am. I wanna cry.”

 

She puts her little head softly on my chest: “Mommy knows, Mommy loves you, you can cry, it’s ok to cry.”

 

My tears rush out! All my negative feelings are gone! Not because of my role of being the child, but because the deep touch this little girl has brought to me! She understands LOVE so well! Isn’t this the love that I should give to her as a mom? The gentle unconditional acceptance and love, no matter what, no matter how!

 

Serenity sees my tears, gets a bit confused: “Mommy, are you ok? Why are you crying? It’s not real, you are not in a fight.” I hug her: “Mommy is more than ok, these are happy tears! I am so happy you are such a loving person!” We hug and kiss each other.

 

I love her, I will keep giving her freedom to let her explore her life in her way, hurting or being hurt. I love her, I will keep having faith in her. I love her, I will always be there for her.