开头段范例9

题目：More and more measures to improve the security in large urban areas have been introduced in many countries because of the increased crime. Do the benefits of these measures outweigh the drawbacks?

 

学生的段落：

The soaring crime rate is a serious problem among many countries, so an increasing number of security approaches are adopted to curb crime in inner cities. Opinions are divided as to what effects of this practice on people's daily lives. I personally think that it does more good than harm. 

错误

1. a serious problem among many countries，介词使用不恰当。

2. so不恰当，没有直接的因果关系。

3. security approaches 搭配不好。

4. what 引导的名词性从句后面没有动词。

 

修改的段落：

The soaring crime rate is a serious problem in many countries and there has been a growing interest in those measures that aim to improve security. Opinions are divided as to how these initiatives affect security or other issues of our communities.

 

 

开头段范例8

题目：Public museums and art galleries are not needed because people could see historical objects and works by using computers. To what extent do you agree or disagree? 社会文化-博物馆-科技

 

学生的段落：

Opinions are divided as to whether public museums and art galleries are necessary in the digital time. I agreed that traditional museums and galleries will never be replaced although computers can undertake some functions of them.

错误

1. “are necessary” 表达不是很好，习惯是上 necessary for doing something.

2. “be replaced ” 后面应该加“by”

3. undertake some functions 搭配不好

4. “of them” 没有这个表达

5. “I agreed”为什么要用过去时

（6分）

 

修改的段落：

Opinions are divided as to whether public museums and art galleries are as important as before. Part of the controversy arises from the fact that computers now perform some functions of real museums.

(7.5 分)

我没有再写个人的看法，因为这个开头段已经很长了。

 

 

开头段范例7

题目：In some countries, young people are not only richer but also safer and healthier than ever before. However, they are less happy. What are the reasons and how to improve the situation?

 

微博上的学生例子：

Strange as it is, an increasing number of the youth lack happiness even though they have achieved individually success. Growing pressure should account for this abnormal phenomenon. As to address this problem, the youth should spare some time to get relaxed.

错误

1. an increasing number of the youth 没有这个表达

2.  individually success 副词不能修饰名词

3. should account for 的should用词不当，为什么是“必须解释”？

4. As to 用词错误

分数： 5-5.5分

这个学生和大部分的中国学生一样，冒险使用一些自己不熟悉的词，不熟悉的语法，但是忽略了自己基本的语法错误和用词错误。这些东西都暴露了他们的水平不足。

 

修改的段落：

Contrary to popular belief, wealth does not necessarily lead to happiness. This is evidenced by the mental health problems experienced by many young people in some countries.

 

我们的精品班、题库最小化串讲班、VIP精批班都很强调当场评讲学生的用词、语法、思维、常见错误， 误区都避免了，就能提分。

 

 

开头段范例6

题目：Some people believe that developments of technology are making life more complex and the solution for everybody is to accept a simpler life without using technologies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

微博上学生的段落：

In this day and age, people's life is becoming all the more complicated. Some of them believe that the culprit for this phenomenon is the advancement of technology and individuals should avoid using technologies and lead a simple life. In my opinion, the rapid development of high-tech is not only a symbol of the wisdom and capability of human beings, but also brings myriads of benefits to people. 

错误

1. all the more 没有这个表达

2. culprit for this phenomenon 搭配不好

3. a symbol of the wisdom and capability of human beings 和题目无关

4. myriads of 单词使用错误。

分数：6分。 个人觉得In this day and age比nowadays更讨厌。

 

修改的段落：

Technology is normally developed to improve our lives, but sometimes, frowned upon by those who complain that their lives have become complex. In my opinion, the opposite holds true: our lives could be less efficient if we were not equipped with technology.

 

 

开头段范例5

题目： Some people think that teachers should be responsible for teaching students to judge what is right and wrong so that they can behave well. Others say that teachers should only teach students academic subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

 

微博上学生的段落：

teachers have long been regarded to have significant influence on students' behaviors. It is an obligation for teachers to teach students to distinguish right from wrong. critics argue that teachers' principle duty is to teach students academic subjects. In my opinion, the morality education is of equal importance as academic subjects.

错误

1. 既然是Obligation， 义务，还有什么好讨论的？

2. 老师也没做什么，为什么出来个critics（批评者）?

3. as important as...而不是of equal importance as

4. 太过长和罗嗦

分数：6分

 

修改的段落：

Although teachers are normally expected to teach academic subjects, there has been a strong call for schools to teach the younger generation what is right or wrong in lives. Personally, I think that moral principles deserve a place in the curriculum.

 

 

开头段范例4

题目：Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

 

微博上学生的段落：

According to the status quo, people need to consider various things which relate to the family, job, economic, emotion and another aspect. All of these factors are regarded as the main elements that affect individuals' emotion---happiness or sadness. However, whether happiness is directly got involved in economic that mostly depends on persons' personalities, passive or positive.

错误

1. 用词错误，譬如说status quo， economic

2. 最后一句话没有主语

3. 没有意义的词时常出现，譬如说passive or positive ， 中国人的习惯，觉得别人看不懂的文章就是最好的文章。

4. 太长。

 分数：4.5-5分

注意作文开头的三大方法：1 替换词  2 改结构 3 说自己的看法

 

修改的段落：

There is a general belief that wealthy people are among the happiest of the world, but happiness can stem from other factors. I believe that we should give happiness a broader definition.

分数：8分

 

 

开头段范例3

题目： In schools and universities, girls tend to choose arts subjects, while boys choose science subjects. What is the reason? Should the trend be changed?

 

学生的段落：

Gender differences appear in various aspects of our life and study, for example, on the choice of subjects. It has caused a widely discussion about the reason why girls prefer art-concentrate subjects and boys are more likely to chose science ones.

错误

1. differences appear  有点中国式

2. widely discussion 副词不能修饰名词

3. art-concentrate 没有这个表达

4. science ones 表达也很别扭

雅思写作需要学生写出比较地道的文章。中国学生的常见问题是喜欢将自己大脑的中文字字翻译。

 

修改的段落：

Gender differences appear to be evident in the choice of subjects at university. It is interesting to understand why the arts are popular among girls while science and engineering are in favour with boys.

这个题目开头很痛苦事情就是怎么改写，很多同学被逼急了，就自己创造艺术和科技的替换词，结果就错了。

这个时候很简单：换结构。。。

 

 

开头段范例2

题目：We live in cities or towns which have museums displaying objects of historical and cultural importance, but people do not visit them. Why people do not visit local museums？What is the importance of museums to society?

 

学生的段落：

Although an increasing number of public funds has been invested in constructing museums, they attract little attention from local citizens. As museums play a vital roal in maintaining cultual heritage, both the gaovernment and individuals should give importance to them.

错误

1. number of 很少修饰可以量化的东西，譬如说funds

2. they指代不清楚

3. 两个状语从句，放在一起，读起来比较拗口。

4. 第二句话明显跑题了。这是这个开头段最大的问题。

分数： 5.5-6 分

 

修改的段落：

Museums play an integral part in maintaining cultural heritage, but it is interesting to note that many museums are unpopular with local visitors. How to boost the status of museums in local communities has therefore become a matter of concern.

8分

 

 

开头段范例1

题目：Today, foods travel thousands of miles from the farm to customers. Why has this happened? Is this trend positive or negative?

 

学生的段落：

In recent decades, the rise of imported food from overseas has become a common phenomenon that exist in many countries, but meanwhile this can be a problem, which may have an adverse effect on people’s healthy.

错误

1. 其实题目并没有说进口食物

2. phenomenon that exist 主谓不一致，而且表达别扭

3. people’s healthy 应该是health.

4. 问题不可能仅仅是健康问题.

分数 ： 5.5分   主要是语法错误和表达的问题

 

修改的段落：

Over the past decades, transporting food over long distance from producers to customers has become universal. This phenomenon merits our attention, because it can cause various problems, such as health problems and environmental issues.

分数： 7.5分

我写开头段很快，不会超过2分钟。

 

诀窍：

1. 换词，譬如说“transporting food over long distance” 替代原文的“food travel...”

2. 具体化，我的第二句话很少会用套话，一般会具体地说一下主体部分有可能说到的内容。