开头段范例18

题目：some people think personal happiness is directly related to economic success, while others believe this depends on other factors. Discuss both ideas and give your own opinion.

 

微博上学生的段落：

People' emtional wellbeing has direct impact on economic success, but it is argued that others factors are contributed to this achievement. i agree with the former one.

错误

1. emtional wellbeing has direct impact on economic success 因果关系倒置

2. others 不能修饰factors

3. contribute to一般不用被动

4. the former one 不合适的套句，因为这里没有former, latter

分数：4.5- 5分

 

修改的段落：

People who are affluent are possibly happy, but this notion has been challenged by those who believe that some other factors are also in the equation. I agree that money alone does not make a happy life.

 

 

开头段范例17

题目：Competitiveness is regarded as a positive quality for people in most societies. How does competitiveness affect individuals? Is it a positive or negative trend?

 

微博上学生的段落：

With developing, competition has been an unavoidable factor that affects people’s working and life, and the impacts on this issue are divided. I am of the opinion that competitiveness gives more importance to individuals’ success as long as they can cope with it appropriately.

错误

1. with developing  根深蒂固，但是经常是毫无关联的一个表达

2. unavoidable factor 搭配不好

3. this issue 指代不了前面的事情

4. the impacts on or of?

5. impacts are divided 没有这个词伙

6. gives importance to的主语一般是人

分数：5-5.5分

这个学生的语感很弱，需要多点积累词伙和表达

 

修改的段落：

Competitiveness is sometimes believed to be a hallmark of successful people. The emphasis on this quality may cause some problems, but I am of the opinion that this is possibly the key to one's achievement.

 

 

开头段范例16

题目：Many people believe that main aim for university education is to help graduates to find better jobs, while some people believe that university education has other benefits for individual and society. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

 

微博上学生的段落：

The implications of tertiary education have been discussed for years. It is generally believed that people who received higher education are more easily to find a job.  My view is that although university education provides a platform for better job hunting, the main purpose of education is for people to improve themselves. 

错误

1. easily不充当标语

2. a platform for 不是很恰当

3. improve themselves.并没有改变题目。

 

修改的段落：

The implications of tertiary education have been discussed for years. It is generally believed that education is the stepping stone to employment, but my view is that the value of education is not limited to this.

 

 

开头段范例15

题目：Some people think that the armed police are a cause of increased violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree? 

 

微博上学生的段落：

Armed police are significant since they have a duty on crime prevention.And armed police used to be regarded as the pathway to protect people from criminals hurting . Nowadays,it seems that an increase in violent crime is closely related to police,who are equipped with weapon.

错误

1. Armed police 有duty，那么其他警察就没有？

2. 经常是pathway？

3. Nowadays，为什么？ 警察配枪不是很多地方都有的，为什么现在就是个原因了？

 这个学生写作是没有思考的，她只是将一些表达拼凑起来，但是句子和内容不合理。分数是在5-5.5分。

 

修改的段落：

authorities in some places consider the possibility of equipping the police with weapons, in response to the rising violence in communities. while carrying guns may protect the public from crime, this measure may have the opposite effect in some cases.

另外一个学生的段落比较好，有7分的水平：

Public security has been endangered by crimes and terrorism in recent years and this is why more and more policemen are armed. however, some people argue that it is this policy that leads to higher levels of violence.

 

 

开头段范例14

题目： Some people say modern children's games do not develop a wide range of skills, while traditional games can be much better for developing such skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

学生的段落：

Children’s games have been confronted with profound changes because of the technology development, but whether modern children’s games can develop a wide range of skills becomes a public concern.

错误

1. confronted with 一般主语是人

2. technology development没有这个表达

3. 这becomes a public concern.有点严重了。

 

修改的段落：

there have been profound changes in how children spend their playtime, and many of these changes are driven by technology-enabled games. These games can be entertaining, but also harmful to children's skill development.

 

 

开头段范例13

题目：Some people think governments should ban dangerous sports. Others, however, argue that people have freedom to choose their favourite sports. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

学生的段落1：

doing sports has become a popular trend in people's lives .while opinions differ over whether people have freedom to choose what kind of sports to do . i am of the opinion that governments should encourage city dwellers to do some healthy activities.

错误

1. while从属连词，要连接两个句子。

2. 跑题。

分数：5分

 

修改的段落：

Sport has been part of everyday lives for many people, but when it comes to dangerous sports, tough regulations have been advocated. I think that people are entitled to opinions in terms of what sports they play.

 

学生的段落2：

nowadays，the increasing number of youngsters is fund of doing extreme sports which may rusult in so mang security problems. a view is that everyone have right to choose what sports they like according to own preference. personally ，i agree it on several different levels.

错误

1. fund Of 是FOND OF？

2. security problems. 保安问题？

3. everyone have？ what sports they like? 代词问题很多

4. according to own preference 和several different levels中式表达

分数5-5.5分

 

 

开头段范例12

题目：Many people believe that main aim for university education is to help graduates to find better jobs, while some people believe that university education has wider benefit for individual and society. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

 

学生的段落：

The past thirty years have witnessed the boom of Chinese college education. However, the main aim of higher education is for jobs or wider benefit for individual and society has been a controversial issue. My view is that the wider mental development is more important.

错误

1. 第二句话有点重复。

2. mental development

这个段落大概的分数是5.5-6分。

 

修改的段落：

The university education has been part of people's effort to increase their competitiveness in the labour market, but it seems that the functions of universities are not limited to this. There are some social benefits we expect of universities, apart from the advantages given to individuals.

 

 

开头段范例11

题目：It is better for children to grow up in the countryside instead of cities. Do you agree or disagree?

 

学生的段落：

The living environment impacts a person. People like comparing children who live in cities with those live in the countryside, and a great number of them believe that it is better for children to grow up in the countryside. However I hold the opponent opinion. 

错误

1. like comparing ... with ... 语法没什么问题，但是不大清楚为什么在这里说这个

2. hold the opponent opinion没有这个表达

这个同学的分数大概是6分，没什么语法错误，基本扣题

 

修改的段落：

It is interesting to understand how the urban environment or the rural setting affects children's development. This is important to parents when they decide the place of residence.

 

开头段范例10

题目：Exposure to international media such as films, TV and magazines has a significant impact on local cultures. What do you think has been the impact? Do you think its advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

 

学生的段落：

International media brings western values to domestic residents and changes people's way of life rapidly. Despite some downsides, international media still promotes the development of local culture.

错误

1. domestic residents 挺怪的

2. promotes the development  文化无所谓成长

3. downside, 这个题目没有问什么劣势，只是在问对文化的影响。

 

修改的段落：

International media has instilled western values in many people in the world and changed their ways of life. This may expand their thinking but the effect on cultural diversity can be devastating.