(At 4pm, I heard movement from upstairs. Tony is getting up. I rushed into kitchen to make him breakfast. 鸡蛋灌饼，芹菜绿豆芽salad, and soy beverage.

He finally emerged and I tried sitting at my desk and not to intervene. He took food to his bedroom. I went over to dinner table, only beverage was gone. I called up, he said he had instant oat meal and the soy drink. He didn’t want the salad and 灌饼。I was upset.

Feng laughed at me. I wanted to scream at him. This is not funny! I wanted to scream at both of them.)

Coronavirus, Covid-19, has caused and is still causing a massive mess around the world.

Workers work from home. Students study from home.

So we had Tony home since March 17, 2020, same day Feng and I started working from home.

It’s been a little over a month.

Tony has not stepped out of the house ever since. Okay, that’s not exactly correct. He went to the shopping mall across street to meet his friend the second day he came home, and has been inside the house since then.

I had thought he would eventually feel tired and bored of being indoor all the time, and would want to go outside to just get some fresh air or stretch his body. So far, I’ve been wrong.

He stays up all night, and sleeps through most of the day. He gets up around 4pm! Yes, you read it right, 4pm. I don’t know exactly what time he goes to sleep, guessing around 4am. He doesn’t sleep 12 hours. He wakes up, and then just laying there, or checking his phone.

The staying up late was since Tony went to high school. It was just getting later and later. There were shouting and tears and struggles. No matter what we said and did, he just wouldn’t listen, and we finally let go.

After he went to university, he had the ultimate freedom of staying up to whatever time he was pleased to, and no shouting no pressure from parents.

He told us, first semester in university, he was late for classes sometimes, and second semester, he was skipping morning classes often enough to make his mid-term exams look pretty bad. He is not a careless student. So he said he would try to attend each class the second half of the semester. That couldn’t happen, because he had to move back right after his promise made because of the Covid-19.

I feel helpless regarding his routine and schedule.

As a parent, I should feel that this is a blessing and bonus that we got extra time together.

Fact is, I don’t know if it is. We don’t see each other that much, let alone much interactions, despite the fact that we live under the same roof. It’s obvious because of our different routines, but it also is because that there isn’t much to talk about between us. It is almost awkward when we eat together at the dinner table. So awkward that we all keep silent.

Since when it had become this?

How much I miss the way we used to be, intimate and caring for each other. I wanted to rebuild or mend the bond between us. But how?

Tony is very sedentary. No exercise what so ever. Of course I’m worried about it. Probably over worried even. How can you not as a mom?

As an 18 years old, Tony wants to be, or at least to show, independent. But as an 18 years old, he is not totally independent.

For one thing, we think he doesn’t know how to take care of himself. I do confess that we as parents probably have contributed to this. He is the only child. Parents with one child go nuts about their child. We do too.

He doesn’t do any house chores, not even his own laundry. We of course would like him to, but he refuses, and we let him. We bring him water and juice. We cut fruits and bring it to him. We listen, and when heard him getting up, we rush to kitchen to cook for him. We worried that if we don’t, he wouldn’t eat and drink properly, and that would damage his health.

Yes, I think he is lazy. Yes, his crazy routine drives me nuts. Yes, I wanted to scream at him. But despite all this, we wanted to show him our love and support to him. We wanted him to be able to feel our love and support. However, I don’t know if we are loving him in the correct waynow. We love him. But I feel I don’t know how to love him.

This is a crazy time.

Nothing like having a child makes your life more meaningful and feel more fulfilled. Yet, nothing like failing your child makes your life a deeper failure. I sometimes feel I failed Tony as a mom. All his shortcomings and weakness and bad habits are my fault. It hurts.

(Tony is a good kid. He has lots of flaws, but he is a good kid. I am not a bad mom. I made lots of mistakes, but I’ve tried hard all along the way. Each mom has these sharp heart-ache, serious self-doubt, anddeep regret moments. This is one of these moments.)