Tony finished his finals and we brought him back yesterday (He is still him, not a different person like what I was told to be prepared for.)

And seeing him again at the end of his first semester of University, it reminded me the first day of his university when we drove him there.

One word, it was miserable.

He wasn’t feeling well the whole trip to China this summer. And he still looked sick and weak on his first day of university.

He seemed in a bad mood and miserable. I felt miserable because of it. We didn’t talk the whole ride to there.

You would expect some excitement taking off to university, right? It’s a big achievement getting accepted by your dream university and something worth to celebrate. And first day of university? So excited.

I can imagine how we looked that day. The air was heavy.

He got a dorm room with very simple furniture and a roommate he didn’t know. We helped him to set up his bed and stuff. And then he just sat at his bed with cell phone in hands and looked lonely and tired. He didn’t want to have lunch with us. We didn’t know any more reason to stay in the room with him. Husband said let’s go and have him to start his new life.

No goodbye hug. He didn’t even stand up at our leaving. As soon as the door closed behind our back, I started crying.

I wrote him a note in the hallway with tears streaming down and left it in the box where the residence supervisor promised to give it to the students that evening, and which he said he never received when asked later.

We didn’t want to leave right away, just in case he needed us for anything. Hanging around till 4 or 5, and phoned him, and he didn’t pick up, and we left.

How uncertain we felt and worried about leaving him all alone there facing an unknown world. As a parent, you always feel you haven’t prepared your kids enough when they take on a new chapter. He didn’t know how to take care of himself. He always had his meals and fruits and even water ready by his mouth. I know, I know, it’s all our fault. That’s exactly why we are worried. He didn’t have a healthy lifestyle and good time management. He was inactive and too sedentary. He stayed up late and got distracted by various screen activities all the time. He didn’t know how to protect himself and fight for his rights. The list goes on.

Now, on top of everything, he didn’t even seem happy or in a good spirit, which we believed were so essential for a new life. We weren’t even sure if he was healthy enough to fight the stressful university life.

We drove back with knots in stomach. We even talked about what if he couldn’t handle it all and had to drop out from school, like what happened to some kids of our friends we already knew.

I cried some more that night facing an empty room, for missing him, worrying for him, and also the sense of losing him, as well as the memories of all the gone happy times together.