加载中…续.....
(2009-05-25 13:39:10)
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分类： 人生多事 |
control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the
funeral,hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional
disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the
accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she
walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her
old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried
to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came
and hit her...
I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not
thrown
In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother’s room and came home every night with a
strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity
and could
that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead
look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell
back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and
thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault
at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by,
hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we
were living together like strangers who don’t know each other. I am
like
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass
window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he
very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant,
stood
I
The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to
go,
challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one
by
stood
me.
That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a
way
other.He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I
returned
returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain
everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart
breaks againand again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife
through the
consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on
having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing
her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room.
The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table,
there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even
looking at it.
In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned
to
”You
eyes,just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself “You
cannot
let
After I hung up my coat, hubby’s eyes stared fixed at my bulging
tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper
towards me.Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and
pushed the paper to him.
Since mother’s accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I
could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I
said:”Yes, but its ok, you can leave now.” He did not go, in the
dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my
heart,everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I
could never reach them.
I cannot remember how many times he repeated “sorry” to me, I had
originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can’t. In
the
eyes,I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in each
other’s
I had been waiting
for this moment of reconciliation, but I
realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not
repeated.
Other
warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat
anything
he buys for me, I don’t take any presents from him and I
stopped
talking to
and
Sometimes, hubby will
try to come into the bedroom, but when he
walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but
to
sleep in mother’s room. At night, from his room, I can hear light
sounds
of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last
time,
whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender
and find
out what
forgotten that last time; I cared for him and am concerned because
there is
love,but now, what is there between
us?
Hubby’s groaning came
on and off continuing all the way till baby
was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the
baby,
infant products, children products and books that kids like to
read.
Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know
he is
trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by
his
ctions.He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can
hear
his
web surfing, but none of that matters to me
anymore.
It was sometime
towards the end of spring in the following year,
one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain,
hubby
came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep,
and
had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down
the
stairs,stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping
the
sweat off my brown, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once
we
reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery
suite.
Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed
my
mind:In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he
did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in,
his
warm
Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and
me,
his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and
touched
his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto
the
floor.I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without
opening
that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I w ould never shed
any tear
for him,but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting
through
my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver
cancer, it
managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first
discover he
had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me
saying:
”Prepare for his funeral.” I disregarded the nurse’s objection and
rushed
home,I went into his room and checked his computer, and a
suffocating
pain hits me.
Hubby’s cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was
real,and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200
thousand words
he wrote for our son: “Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be
able to
take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know
that in your
life,you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only
I
can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be.
But
daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here
all
the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during
your
lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to
daddy’s suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words,
I feel
as if
daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is
the one
who loves you most and also the one who loves me
most...”
From play school to
primary school, to secondary, university, to
work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big
and
small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
”My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me
for
the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my
illness,
because
our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven
me
and I
afraid I
some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are
all
written on the packaging...”
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought
our
son
I
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our
son
still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I
press
the
the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...
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