每次成文，皆要请友人王菊泉教授过目润色，而小文总是疏漏斑斑。这不，王教授又对我的小文提出了不少意见。细读之下，再次让我慨叹：山外青山楼外楼！王教授的修改意涂粉红色，置于方括号内。我的回复涂成黄色。

---------------------

性爱，成就了我一世姻缘 / Eros, Cornerstone of Our Marriage

原文很有个性，对其旧译作了改译，供职国内一家英文报刊的美国教授Wyatt Olson对改译润色定稿。翻译这玩意儿，没有最好，只有更好。比读原译和改译，能嚼出不少翻译的养分。
【建议把“翻译这玩意儿，没有最好，只有更 好”这句作为 “topic sentence”放在段首，然后引入正文。“原文很有个性，对其旧译作了改译，供职国内一家英文报刊的美国教授Wyatt Olson对改译润色定稿”这段话过于“惜墨如金”，未免“语焉不详”，不妨适当增添若干词语，让读者读得明白些。】
回复：完全正确，过于惜墨如金了。现改为：
翻译这玩意儿，没有最好，只有更好。
《性爱，成就了我一世的姻缘》一文写得极富个性，最近寻出旧译，又作改译，并请供职国内一家英文报刊的美国教授Wyatt Olson润色定稿。比读原译和改译，能嚼出不少翻译养分，遂有下文。

1/ 说实话，我和妻最初的结合是因为性，而非爱。我们从见面相识到举行婚礼，这中间也就短短的一个月，能有多少的“爱”可言呢？
原译：To tell the truth, it is sex, not love that brought my wife and me together. The time between the first meeting and wedding being as short as one month, how much love could we expect to build up?  
改译：To be frank, it was sex, not love that brought my wife and me together. The time between our first meeting and wedding was no more than one month, so how much love could we expect to build up? 
小析：见“短短的一个月”，英译便出现了short 一词 - being as short as one month，殊不知，短语no more than同样达意，且更地道：no more than one month。
值得探讨的是，改译中的一个so。so，虽不起眼，却不可从眼皮底下溜走！提升到理论的高度，一个so，有涉“语篇分析”（discourse analysis/ text linguistics）。“语篇分析”乃上世纪60年代的新兴学科。它的横空出世，令译界原有的感性的、经验性的、朦胧的“语篇意识”（如：上下文/context、语境/context等）上升到理性和理论的高度。“语篇分析”理论将翻译的目光和思维，从“树木”（词、句、段）扩展到“森林”（整 个篇章），原文的词、句、段等单位置于语篇的大背景下去审视，去翻译，译文质量自然“水涨船高”。简而言之，“语篇分析”，主要强调翻译的衔接性 （cohesion）、连贯性（coherence）、互文性（intertextuality）
等。用形象语言表述，译途漫漫，译者当“思前想后，左顾右盼”，力避孤立地、个别地作字、词、句的机械转换。
一个so，能诠释“语篇意识”？-- 是。
“我们从见面相识到举行婚礼，这中间也就短短的一个月” → “能有多少的‘爱’可言呢”，对这两句“左顾右盼”，不难发现，后者含小结口吻，似可插入“因此”。而原译仅作机械转化。“讲逻辑，重形合”的英语理所当然需要添加一个逻辑标记 – so。
【1/ so固可一议，但似可同时提醒读者，原译The time between the first meeting and wedding being as short as one month, how much love could we expect to build up?中的第一个分句为非限定分句，可分析为表示原因的状语从句，故后面已不能为了体现“语篇意识”而再添加so。
2/ 原译it is sex改译为it was sex体现了本族人的“时态意识”，也可一议。】
回复：你的分析很有道理，但纠缠原译，作过繁分析，行文则庞杂；第2点已经吸收，如此添加：此外，原译中的it is sex被改为it was sex，可见“时态”是我们翻译中的软肋。

2/ 然而，我们似乎很一见钟情的相恋并闪电式般结婚，没有爱也是不可能的。不过，这极其仓促的爱绝对来自于一见钟情，而这个“情”从很大程度上来源于“性”，是神奇的性魅力成就了我们的姻缘。
原译：However, it was impossible if there wasn’t any love existing between us, for we got married so shortly after falling in love at the first sight. The brash love was absolutely derived from the first sight, while the “passion”, to a great extent, stemmed out of “sex”. The supernatural sex appeal bred our marriage.
改译：However, it was equally unbelievable that a whirlwind romance like ours was founded on no love at all. The brash love was absolutely derived from “love at first sight,” while the passion primarily originated in sex. It was the sex appeal that fueled our marriage.
小析：且不说“一见钟情的相恋并闪电式般结婚”被改译成a whirlwind romance有多精彩，更值得咀嚼的是it was equally unbelievable。复读原句，查无“出处”呀。咋就冒出一个equally unbelievable来呢？语篇分析，强调“思前想后”。却原来，equally unbelievable令英译衔接自然和连贯流畅。不是吗？上段的“从见面相识到举行婚礼，这中间也就短短的一个月”就隐含了unbelievable 的意思！翻译到了如此地步，才叫“游刃有余”。【这段分析很到位！】
此外，It was the sex appeal that fueled our marriage. → It was the sex appeal that fueled our marriage.一字之易，行文顿时起色。
【原译为The supernatural sex appeal bred our marriage.改译为It was the sex appeal that fueled our marriage.怎么个“一字之易”呀？疑有笔误。】
回复：有道理。非一字之易也。现修改为：
此外，The supernatural sex appeal bred our marriage. → It was the sex appeal that fueled our marriage.原译的动词bred易作fueled，行文顿时起色。

3/ 在与妻子相识前，我也结识过不少女孩子。说真的，无论从相貌、学识，还是职业、家庭，我“绕”过的那几个女孩子都绝对地远远超过现在的妻。尽管我至今仍有点后悔没有去娶她们中间的某一个，也一直很牵挂她们，但当时跟她们在一起时，却极少有过那种赤裸裸的原始冲动。
原译：
Before I met my wife, I had some girl friends. Truthfully, these girls are far superior to my wife in terms of appearance, learning, occupation and family background. Up till now I still feel regret not having married one of them, they have been living in my memory. Strangely enough, while being together with them then, I rarely sensed the blazing sex impulse.
改译：
Truthfully, the girlfriends I had before I met my wife were far superior to her in appearance, education, occupation and family background. Even today they live vividly in my memory, and I still regret not having married one of them. Oddly, though, while I was with them I rarely felt much sexual desire for them.
小析：
改译的成功首先在于将起始两句“捏”成一句 - Truthfully, the girlfriends I had before I met my wife were far superior to her in appearance, education, occupation and family background.这一“捏”就捏出了英语味儿。英语视过多的短句的排列为baby English（幼稚英语）。
“语篇分析”在改译中又得以生动体现。改译末句 - Oddly, though, while I was with them I rarely felt much sexual desire for them.又为我们作了示范。
原句使用了“尽管”、“但”和“却”，转折多多，啰啰嗦嗦，但只含一个转折。原译，基本没有使用转折虚词，只是用实词来加以表达Strangely enough，而改译也用了一个实词oddly，但是，却添加了一个though，作为副词，这个though，不可小觑，though不仅减弱了语气， 而且，轻松自然传递了原句所含的转折口吻 - 可是，不过。
再者，改译中的一个副词vividly，也体现了语篇意识。我友认为，也传达了原文中“后悔”、“一直很牵挂”等很多词的内涵。
【另可点评的是，原译Up till now I still feel regret not having married one of them, they have been living in my memory.两个分句中间没有体现主从关系的连接标记，常见于中国式英语，但在改译中，改译者非但添加了并列标记and，而且调整了两个分句的次序。】
回复：你的分析非常到位，但限于篇幅，对原译的详细分析拟割爱。

4/  与妻结婚前，我已经在这个世界上活了26年，却始终未破“金童”之身。纵然有过那“罪恶的一闪念”，却都在理智的剑光下倏忽而逝。我敢说，凡与我恋爱过的女孩无论最终嫁与谁，都绝对地“完璧归赵”。
原译：
Before I got married at 26, I hadn’t had any sex, even though occasionally some “evil idea” flashed into my mind, but it would be stamped out by reason. I can swear that my ex-girlfriends had left me safe and sound.
改译：
Before I got married at 26, I hadn’t had sex, even though occasionally some “evil idea” flashed into my mind, which I stamped out with a reasoning mind. I can swear that my ex-girlfriends left me as virginal as the day they’d met me.
小析：
又是语篇意识！“完璧归赵”，被译成了不三不四的safe and sound。“思前想后”，上文不是有这样一句一词吗？ -- 当时跟她们在一起时，却极少有过那种赤裸裸的原始冲动 / “金童”。既然如此，改译将“完璧归赵”译成my ex-girlfriends left me as virginal as the day they’d met me多么简洁明了，而且，行文的连贯性也大为增强。
【原译中的even though 和 but 的搭配使用也是中国式英语。当然，译者可以辩解说，我的even though是和上文的Before I got married at 26, I hadn’t had sex连接的。殊不知，这个even though却同时又和下文的but发生了关系，造成了上下文之间逻辑关系的眉目不清。上述弊病改译者通过一个关系代词which就纠正了，而且使得译文 更为简洁，很值得我国的英语学生好好学习。】
回复：分析极佳。现改为：
此外，改译运用了一个关系代词which，值得一提。原译同时出现了even though 和 but ，也是中国式的英语。even though貌似与上文的Before I got married at 26, I hadn’t had sex相连接。殊不知，这个even though却同时又与下文的but发生了关系，致使上下文逻辑关系不清。这些问题，改译用一个关系代词which就解决了，且两句连贯更畅，衔接更紧。这也可可视作语篇意识的表现之一。】

--------------------------

定稿之全文：

性爱，成就了我一世姻缘 / Eros, Cornerstone of Our Marriage

翻译这玩意儿，没有最好，只有更好。
《性爱，成就了我一世的姻缘》一文写得极富个性，最近寻出旧译，又作改译，并请供职国内一家英文报刊的美国教授Wyatt Olson润色定稿。比读原译和改译，能嚼出不少翻译营养，遂有下文。

1/ 说实话，我和妻最初的结合是因为性，而非爱。我们从见面相识到举行婚礼，这中间也就短短的一个月，能有多少的“爱”可言呢？
原译：To tell the truth, it is sex, not love that brought my wife and me together. The time between the first meeting and wedding being as short as one month, how much love could we expect to build up?  
改译：To be frank, it was sex, not love that brought my wife and me together. The time between our first meeting and wedding was no more than one month, so how much love could we expect to build up? 
小析：见“短短的一个月”，英译便自然出现了short 一词 - being as short as one month，殊不知，短语no more than同样达意，且更地道：no more than one month。
值得探讨的是，改译中的一个so。so，虽不起眼，却不可从眼皮底下溜走！提升到理论的高度，一个so，有涉“语篇分析”（discourse analysis/ text linguistics）。“语篇分析”乃上世纪60年代的新兴学科。它的横空出世，令译界原有的感性的、经验性的、朦胧的“语篇意识”（如：上下文/context、语境/context等）上升到理性和理论的高度。“语篇分析”理论将翻译的目光和思维，从“树木”（词、句、段）拓展至“森林”（整个篇章），原文的词、句、段等单位被置于语篇的大背景下去审视，去翻译，译文质量自然“水涨船高”。简而言之，“语篇分析”，主要强调翻译的衔接性 （cohesion）、连贯性（coherence）、互文性（intertextuality）
等。用形象语言表述，译途漫漫，译者当“思前想后，左顾右盼”，力避孤立地、个别地作字、词、句的机械转换。
一个so，能诠释“语篇意识”？-- 是。
“我们从见面相识到举行婚礼，这中间也就短短的一个月” → “能有多少的‘爱’可言呢”，对这两句“左顾右盼”，不难发现，后者含小结口吻，似可插入“因此”。而原译仅作机械转化。“讲逻辑，重形合”的英语理所当然需要添加一个逻辑标记 – so。
此外，原译中的it is sex被改为it was sex，可见“时态”似乎永远是我们翻译中的“软肋”。

2/ 然而，我们似乎很一见钟情的相恋并闪电式般结婚，没有爱也是不可能的。不过，这极其仓促的爱绝对来自于一见钟情，而这个“情”从很大程度上来源于“性”，是神奇的性魅力成就了我们的姻缘。
原译：However, it was impossible if there wasn’t any love existing between us, for we got married so shortly after falling in love at the first sight. The brash love was absolutely derived from the first sight, while the “passion”, to a great extent, stemmed out of “sex”. The supernatural sex appeal bred our marriage.
改译：However, it was equally unbelievable that a whirlwind romance like ours was founded on no love at all. The brash love was absolutely derived from “love at first sight,” while the passion primarily originated in sex. It was the sex appeal that fueled our marriage.
小析：且不说“一见钟情的相恋并闪电式般结婚”被改译成a whirlwind romance有多精彩，更值得咀嚼的是it was equally unbelievable。复读原句，查无“出处”呀。咋就冒出一个equally unbelievable来呢？语篇分析，强调“思前想后”。却原来，equally unbelievable令英译衔接自然和连贯流畅。不是吗？上段的“从见面相识到举行婚礼，这中间也就短短的一个月”就隐含了unbelievable 的意思！翻译到了如此地步，才叫“游刃有余”。
此外，The supernatural sex appeal bred our marriage. → It was the sex appeal that fueled our marriage.改译将动词bred易作fueled，行文顿时生色不少。

3/ 在与妻子相识前，我也结识过不少女孩子。说真的，无论从相貌、学识，还是职业、家庭，我“绕”过的那几个女孩子都绝对地远远超过现在的妻。尽管我至今仍有点后悔没有去娶她们中间的某一个，也一直很牵挂她们，但当时跟她们在一起时，却极少有过那种赤裸裸的原始冲动。
原译：
Before I met my wife, I had some girl friends. Truthfully, these girls are far superior to my wife in terms of appearance, learning, occupation and family background. Up till now I still feel regret not having married one of them, they have been living in my memory. Strangely enough, while being together with them then, I rarely sensed the blazing sex impulse.
改译：
Truthfully, the girlfriends I had before I met my wife were far superior to her in appearance, education, occupation and family background. Even today they live vividly in my memory, and I still regret not having married one of them. Oddly, though, while I was with them I rarely felt much sexual desire for them.
小析：
改译的成功首先在于将起始两句“捏”成一句 - Truthfully, the girlfriends I had before I met my wife were far superior to her in appearance, education, occupation and family background.这一“捏”就捏出了英语味儿。英语视过多的短句的排列为baby English（幼稚英语）。
“语篇分析”在改译中又有生动体现。改译末句 - Oddly, though, while I was with them I rarely felt much sexual desire for them.又为我们作了示范。
原句使用了“尽管”、“但”和“却”，转折多多，啰啰嗦嗦，但只含一个转折。原译，基本没有使用转折虚词，只是用实词来加以表达Strangely enough，而改译也用了一个实词oddly，但是，却添加了一个though，作为副词，这个though，不可小觑，though不仅减弱了语气， 而且，轻松自然传递了原句所含的转折口吻 - 可是，不过。
再者，改译中的一个副词vividly，也体现了语篇意识。我友认为，也传达了原文中“后悔”、“一直很牵挂”等很多词的内涵。

4/  与妻结婚前，我已经在这个世界上活了26年，却始终未破“金童”之身。纵然有过那“罪恶的一闪念”，却都在理智的剑光下倏忽而逝。我敢说，凡与我恋爱过的女孩无论最终嫁与谁，都绝对地“完璧归赵”。
原译：
Before I got married at 26, I hadn’t had any sex, even though occasionally some “evil idea” flashed into my mind, but it would be stamped out by reason. I can swear that my ex-girlfriends had left me safe and sound.
改译：
Before I got married at 26, I hadn’t had sex, even though occasionally some “evil idea” flashed into my mind, which I stamped out with a reasoning mind. I can swear that my ex-girlfriends left me as virginal as the day they’d met me.
小析：
又是语篇意识！“完璧归赵”，被译成了不三不四的safe and sound。“思前想后”，上文不是有这样一句一词吗？ -- 当时跟她们在一起时，却极少有过那种赤裸裸的原始冲动 / “金童”。既然如此，改译将“完璧归赵”译成my ex-girlfriends left me as virginal as the day they’d met me多么简洁明了，而且，行文的连贯性也大为增强。
此外，改译运用了一个关系代词 which，值得细嚼。原译同时出现了even though 和 but（系中国式的英语）。even though貌似与上文的Before I got married at 26, I hadn’t had sex相连接。殊不知，这个even though实际上与下文的but发生了关系，致使上下文逻辑含混不清。这些问题，改译用一个关系代词which就轻松解决，且两句连贯更畅，衔接更紧。这也可视作语篇意识的表现之一。

【未完待续】