Frustration

By Zhong Wanting

 

Disclaimer : Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite.

Kira looked at the girl, whom he had know for years, with a melancholy shade in his eyes. He knew well who she adored, and knew just as well with whom he was competing for her heart. One-sided KiraXHinamori, KiraXHinamoriXHitsugaya triangle

-

Kira Izuru sometimes detested himself.

He had known the black-haired girl for years, and all these years he had harbored a deep liking for her. Dating back to the days when he and she were at the Academy together, when they were the closest friends.

And Kira knew he had fallen in love with Hinamori Momo.

He remembered her smile, the sweet, pure smile that had always lingered on in his mind. He remembered watching her train—for her ideal—and she wasn’t the tame girl at that. She was hard, and fierce. And it didn’t surprise him when she got top marks in their exams.

Because she had always been the excellent girl. The Hinamori whom he cared about, whom he loved.

That’s why, when she started ranting on about Aizen, the gentleman, the strong one, the one whom she respected and admired, he felt an empty feeling in his heart, and it was painful, even though he tried to smile.

And on the day she entered the 5th Division, he had to force a smile onto his face, and say his congratulations.

It felt bitter. Deadly bitter.

When he saw her smile so full of sweet happiness, he felt his own smile faltering as his heart was torn to pieces.

To Hinamori, he was just a good friend.

His hopes were down. But he still held hopes. And that, made him even worse.

I should have let go.

But I can’t.

Why am I still holding on to nothing?

…Despicable.

-

Sometimes, Kira drank with Renji, another old friend, like they used to do. Only that Hinamori didn’t come as in the past.

And they would talk about nothing in particular, before each immersed himself in his own world.

Sometimes, Renji would tease Kira about Hinamori. Like he used to do.

And Kira would return the sentiment by joking about Rukia, which would shut Renji up effectively.

Renji sometimes reassured Kira that he still had a chance. After all, being companions for years didn’t mean that she had no feelings for him. But Kira knew Renji was only trying to raise his moods.

He knew well, that even without Aizen, which was improbable, there was still somebody out in the competition.

Hinamori’s childhood friend from Rukongai, who was also in the Gotei 13 now.

Hitsugaya Toushirou.

-

Kira Izuru thought he was useless.

He remembered the desperate day when Aizen was found nailed to the wall, with blood splashed everywhere. He remembered the hysteric screams of Hinamori at the sight of this. He remembered the frustration in her eyes, and the hatred burning at his own captain, Ichimaru Gin.

He didn’t know how it happened. But instinct mixed with responsibility made him draw his sword against his beloved girl, his school-year friend.

He remembered talking to her in a harsh voice, criticizing her on being emotional and unable to distinguish official and personal matters. He remembered releasing his zankaputou against her, the ability of which perhaps only she knew.

And then the arrival of Hitsugaya stopped the rapidly depressing matters.

Every minute in his cell, Kira Izuru condemned himself. But what else could he do? Should he protect his captain, as was his responsibility, or should he follow his heart and hold no objection to Hinamori’s actions, and place his captain’s well-being in danger (which, he thought, even without him, was very unlikely)?

Then the fateful night came, when the officers of Divisions 3, 5 and 10 clashed on the roof.

And that night, Kira felt he was totally useless. When all the others were fighting, he was simply crouching faraway, following the series of desperate and confusing events.

There was nothing he could do.

Even when Hinamori was in danger, there was nothing he could except to stare.

At that moment, he felt himself to be completely useless.

-

He could not believe it when he heard that Hinamori had almost been killed by Aizen, with the help of his own captain, Ichimaru Gin.

He knew very well what the things he had been doing with his captain meant. But then, he was assured by his captain, that Hinamori would be kept absolutely safe, and nothing whatsoever would happen to her.

It was the only assurance he needed. So he complied.

And he was ruthlessly deceived.

Why Hinamori? Hadn’t she suffered enough to be on the verge of breakdown?

Why wouldn’t they give her a rest?

He wanted to protect her. He thought that by following his captain’s orders he could protect her.

But he was proved to be utterly useless.

All the time he only watched, watched Hinamori being tortured and hurt, and he could do nothing safe watch.

He hated himself for it.

-

He was not surprised to find Hinamori walking alongside Hitsugaya, smiling sweetly. In the way she used to smile when Aizen was beside her.

Still, his eyes stung with a dull pain. He had been outmatched again.

But then, he had never had a chance to win.

What was Hitsugaya?

No more than a kid.

But he tried, he put his life on the line for Hinamori countless times?

And Kira himself?

He only watched from the sidelines, never doing anything to help.

He had never had a chance, because he never even tried.

It was all his fault. His own fault.

He should not feel frustrated for it.

Taking another swig of alcohol, he closed his eyes, and wished that this time, she would find her happiness.

-End-

I think it’s a bit confusing, because I got a writer’s block sort of thing halfway down and messed stuff up…forgive me guys! Your reviews are the best things to comfort me lol

 

- the butterfly from hell

 

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