#26 - WALK KINDLY WITH YOURSELF - June 11, 2013

2013年6月11日   带着仁慈，陪伴自己散步

A week ago Friday we received a call from Dr Saltman, the Medical Oncologist at the Victoria Cancer Clinic.  He had seen the May 23 MRI, and read the written review, and was very encouraged.  He commented that it is not uncommon for the swelling to reduce under the Avastin treatment, and it was uncommon for the tumour size to reduce, and he was very happy it had shrunk by 50%.  We asked Dr Saltman where we go from here, and he said we’ll continue as we are now as long as the tumour is responding to the Avastin.  We know this is not a cure, and it can offer extended life, and an increased quality of life.   And other than my ongoing tired and headaches, both of which are manageable, life is good.

一周以前的周五，我们接到维多利亚癌症医疗中心肿瘤专家SALTMAN博士的电话。他已经看了我们5月23日MRI核磁共振成像的报告，也阅读了书面的回顾，非常受鼓舞。他评论道，在 AVASTIN的治疗下，让肿胀的部分削弱，这并非不寻常；肿瘤的尺寸变小了却是不寻常的。他非常的开心这个肿瘤的尺寸减少50%。我们询问SALTMAN博士我们从这里可以去到哪里。他说，我们将会继续我们现在做的，只要肿瘤对AVASTIN有反应。我们知道这并非一个治愈。它只是提供了一个的延长的生命，是生命品质的增加。除了正在进行的疲倦和头痛，这两者都是可以管理的，除此之外，生命是美好的。

I wrote the preceding paragraph yesterday.  We got busy, and I got tired, and stopped writing.  It’s the next morning, I am wanting to continue writing to you, and I begin by re-reading what I wrote.  I realize as I read that with a phrase like ‘my ongoing tired and headaches’ there is much I was skimming over and minimizing, and much here for me to learn…

昨天我写了之前的段落，我们变得忙碌。我也累了，停下了笔。隔天的清早，我想要继续给你们写信。我开始重新阅读我写下来的部分。当我阅读段落象“正在进行的疲倦和头痛”，我意识到自己有许多的部分是一笔带过和尽量略写，这里有我要学习的许多部分……

 is morning I woke early after a broken sleep, and I was tired.  After connecting quietly in bed with Cathy I got up, and I was tired…it is a new kind of tired for me that has come since my cancer diagnosis last fall.  When my body reaches this tired, everything seems harder, an effort, and I can get frustrated…what used to be simple and easy for me can seem mountainous.  And sometimes I just flat out get tired of being tired.

今天早上我断断续续的睡眠后就醒过来了，我累了。在床上和凯西静静地连接了一下，我起床了。我累了……自从去年九月癌症的诊断结果出来，一种新的疲惫就产生了。当我的身体达到这种疲倦时，所有的一切显得更加艰难，是一种努力。我也会感到挫败……过去对我曾经简单容易的事现在显得象山一般的巨大。有时侯我就精疲力竭，因为厌倦了疲惫。

As I sat there quietly, thinking about you, and wanting to write, Cathy called from the kitchen that breakfast was ready.  As we ate we read from Mark Nepo’s Book of Awakening.  After, still feeling tired, I fed ‘the boys’…and it was time to take them for a morning walk.

当我静静地坐在那里，想到你们，想要写下来。凯西从厨房叫我，早餐准备好了。当我们吃早餐时，我们阅读来自MARK NEPO的觉醒的书。之后仍然感到疲惫。我给狗宝宝喂食……轮到我带他们去早上散步。

In that moment I remembered our elevator has been out of order for six days.  For those who don’t know, we live on the eighth floor…  This means the dog walk was going to be eight floors down, and eight floors up the stairs.

在那个时刻，我记得我们的电梯已经坏了6天了。对那些不知道我家情况的人来说，我们住在8楼……这意味着带着狗宝宝去散步就是要从8楼走下去，再爬8层楼梯上来。

As I sat down to put my shoes on, thinking about the walk down and back up, I felt my tired wrapping around me.  I could feel myself building the weight of my tired, feeling sorry for myself, frustrated, wishing the dogs knew how to sit-wipe-and-flush, telling myself to get over it and get on with it… 

当我坐下来穿鞋子时，想到要从楼上走下去，再走上来，我感到我的疲惫已经围绕着我。我可以感觉到自己累积疲累的重量，为自己感到难过，希望狗宝宝知道怎样坐着擦拭和冲洗，告诉自己可以挺过去，继续下去…

As I turned toward the door, I said, “I love you” to Cathy…she called back… “Ernie”… I stopped, and she paused…and said, “walk kindly with yourself…”.

 当我转向门时，我说：我爱你，凯西…她叫回我……“ERNIE，”我停下来，她停下来……然后跟我说：散步的时侯，对自己仁慈些……

As I walked down the stairs her loving, and her words, settled in with me.  By the time I reached the ground floor, the weight of my tired was lifting.  My tired was still with me…and not the weight.  My tired self and ‘the boys’ wandered through the neighbourhood, doing what dogs and their owners do, and yet again I could see myself painfully clear in my rear-view mirror of wisdom.  Thanks to the caring love of my best friend, and her reaching hand, and my willingness to pause and look, I can bring myself, right here, right now.

当我带着她的爱，还有她的语句，将它们放在内心，走下楼梯。当我到达一楼时，我身体的疲劳的重量正在上升。我的疲劳仍然在那里，但没有沉甸甸的感觉。那个疲劳的自己，狗宝宝漫步穿过附近的地方，做狗宝宝们要做的事，还有狗主人要做的事，然而再一次我以后见之明的智慧痛苦地清晰地看到自己。谢谢来自我最好的朋友，还有她伸出的手，我愿意暂停下来看，我才可以将自己此时此刻带回来。

Coming back home, up the stairs, ‘the boys’ and I took our time, two floors at a time, sitting for an ear scratch and a lick, still tired, and blessed…

回到家，走上楼梯，狗宝宝们和我一起花了一些时间，一次上两层楼，坐着挠挠耳朵，轻轻地舔舔，仍然疲劳，带着祝福……

We love you, now,

我们爱你，是现在

Ernie and Cathy