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奥巴马在白宫记者协会晚宴上的“脱口秀”(双语版)

(2014-05-05 22:06:26)
标签:

奥巴马

脱口秀

文化

分类: 中西文化

【东方文化西方语微信公共号chinglish_zhaihua】

美国华盛顿当地时间3日晚,美国总统奥巴马在夫人米歇尔的陪同下,出席一年一度的白宫记者协会(White House Correspondents' Association)晚宴。代表白宫记者团的白宫记者协会今年庆祝成立100周年,而白宫记者协会举办的这个晚宴,已经成为华盛顿年度传统,每年春天,华盛顿的著名人物都会赴宴,聆听总统和一些喜剧主持人的“脱口秀”。在晚宴上,奥巴马频频展现幽默,拿自己、共和党人和媒体〝开涮〞。

 

奥巴马在白宫记者协会晚宴上的“脱口秀”(双语版)

——开场时,奥巴马就拿自己的政绩开玩笑,称他通常都会以几个自嘲的玩笑开头,但经过了〝登峰造极〞的2013后,〝我还有什么可说的呢?〞

——“我很高兴能够参加晚宴,尽管还没从马来西亚之行倒过来时差。”奥巴马聊起刚刚结束的访亚行程,随即话锋一转,“这些天,CNN有关马航失联的报道简直停不下来……我想他们还在找坐席吧。”

—— “你好,福克斯新闻!让我们面对现实吧,我走了之后你们肯定会思念我的,因为比起我来,要说服美国人相信希拉里出生在肯尼亚可要困难得多。”(福克斯电视台播出了有关奥巴马出生于肯尼亚而非美国的报道,而希拉里则被外界视为美国民主党2016年总统大选的有力竞争者)

——“呀,微软全国有线广播电视公司(MSNBC)也在这儿。他们有点不知所措,这也难怪,他们可没有这么多的观众。”

 

—— “有些电视主持人总在谈论普京赤裸的胸膛,还有他可能会拿诺贝尔和平奖。” “说句公道话,这些年真是什么人都能拿这个奖。”

 

—— “上个月,一个美国人30年来首次赢得了波士顿马拉松比赛的冠军,这是一个精彩且令人振奋的故事,足以与一个肯尼亚人过去6年一直担任美国总统一事相媲美。”

——(提到肤色话题时,奥巴马对去年在多个议题中与自己打擂台的美国众议院议长、共和党籍人士博纳(John Boehner)进行调侃): “在过去的一段时间,众议院的共和党人让约翰•博纳不好过,他们对待博纳比对我还糟糕——这或许可以意味着橙色真的流行了(orange really is the new black)。”(博纳此前因为失败的日光浴,未将自己的肤色晒成古铜色,反而变成了橘色而曾被媒体打趣。奥巴马此言是讽刺博纳超越自己成为了靶子。)

——(奥巴马拿上线后不断曝出技术故障的医保网站自嘲道):“2008年我的口号是‘是的,我们能行’(Yes We Can),2013年我的口号则变成了‘Control+Alt+Delete’命令;而有利的方面则是医保网可以媲美本年度最卖座的电影之一:《冰雪奇缘》(Frozen)。”(Control+Alt+Delete 命令最初是被设计用于重启计算机,微软创始人盖茨(Bill Gates)去年在参加哈佛大学某活动时表示,迫使用户同时按下3个按键才能登录系统是一个错误。其实设计一个单一按键执行重启命令完全可以实现,但IBM的键盘设计师不想向微软提供此种设计)。

 

—— “我必须承认,过去一年糟透了。在某个时刻事情变得非常糟糕,以至于有47%的人要求罗姆尼道歉。”(罗姆尼(Mitt Romney)曾在总统大选中落败奥巴马,他曾说47%的美国人“依赖政府,以受害者自居”,这番言论被认为最终导致其竞选失败)。

——(奥巴马对自己在过去一年不断下降的支持率进行自嘲): “有人说,由于我的支持率很糟糕,民主党伙伴不愿意我和他们一起竞选。尽管我并不认为这些是真的,但我的确注意到,前几天女儿萨莎在挑选职业规划日的发言人时,他选择了克林顿。”

——(对于过去一年,因为两党争斗而不断出现的政治僵局,奥巴马也进行了讽刺):“华盛顿变得好像前所未有的功能失调。僵局在这个地方变得如此严重,我们不得不问,‘我们到底做了什么让克里斯•克里斯蒂如此火大?’ ”(克里斯•克里斯蒂原本是美国共和党被寄予厚望的一颗政治新星,但前段时间,他被曝为了报复不支持他连任州长的民主党籍利堡市市长,他下令关闭位于利堡市连接新泽西州和纽约的乔治•华盛顿大桥的三条行车线中的两条,造成交通严重堵塞)。

——(奥巴马还对共和党对手进行了调侃):“当你们这些家伙都在关注赛马的时候,我打算去做我的事了。我将关注美国民众的日常生活。就在昨天,我收到了一封令人心碎的信……一位弗吉尼亚的男子多年来一直兼职做一份工作,没有得到来自老板的尊重,也没有机会取得成功。我真心希望埃里克•坎托(Eric Cantor)能别再给我写信了”。(坎托是美国国会众议院多数党共和党领袖)。

 

以下是奥巴马的搞笑演讲英文记录稿——
Here is the transcript of President Barack Obama‘s remarks at the White House Correspondents Dinner, Saturday, May 3, as released by the White House.
 
10:21 P.M. EDT
 
THE PRESIDENT:  Thank you so much, everybody.  Have a seat, have a seat.  Before I get started, can we get the new presidential setup out here?
 
(Aides bring out two ferns.)
 
It was worked before.  (Laughter and applause.)  That’s more like it.
 
It is great to be back.  What a year, huh?  I usually start these dinners with a few self-deprecating jokes.  After my stellar 2013, what could I possibly talk about?  (Laughter.)
 
I admit it — last year was rough.  Sheesh.  (Laughter.)  At one point things got so bad, the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize.  (Laughter.)
 
Of course, we rolled out healthcare.gov.  That could have gone better.  (Laughter.)  In 2008 my slogan was, “Yes We Can.”  In 2013 my slogan was, “Control-Alt-Delete.”  (Laughter.)  On the plus side, they did turn the launch of healthcare.gov into one of the year’s biggest movies.  (Laughter.)
 
But rather than dwell on the past, I would like to pivot to this dinner.  Let’s welcome our headliner this evening, Joel McHale.  (Applause.)  On “Community,” Joel plays a preening, self-obsessed narcissist.  So this dinner must be a real change of pace for you.  (Laughter.)
 
I want to thank the White House Correspondents Association for hosting us here tonight.  I am happy to be here, even though I am a little jet-lagged from my trip to Malaysia.  The lengths we have to go to get CNN coverage these days.  (Laughter and applause.)  I think they’re still searching for their table.  (Laughter and applause.)
 
MSNBC is here.  They’re a little overwhelmed.  (Laughter.)  They’ve never seen an audience this big before.  (Laughter.)
 
But, look, everybody is trying to keep up with this incredibly fast-changing media landscape.  For example, I got a lot of grief on cable news for promoting Obamacare to young people on Between Two Ferns.  But that’s what young people like to watch.  And to be fair, I am not the first person on television between two potted plants.  (Laughter and applause.)
 
Sometimes I do feel disrespected by you reporters.  But that’s okay.  Seattle Seahawk cornerback Richard Sherman is here tonight.  (Applause.)  And he gave me some great tips on how to handle it.  Jake Tapper, don’t you ever talk about me like that!  (Laughter.)  I’m the best President in the game!  (Laughter.)
 
What do you think, Richard?  Was that good?  A little more feeling next time?
 
While we’re talking sports, just last month, a wonderful story — an American won the Boston Marathon for first time in 30 years.  (Applause.)  Which was inspiring and only fair, since a Kenyan has been president for the last six.  (Laughter and applause.)  Had to even things out.  (Laughter.)
 
We have some other athletes here tonight, including Olympic snowboarding gold medalist Jamie Anderson is here.  We’re proud of her.  (Applause.)  Incredibly talented young lady.  Michelle and I watched the Olympics — we cannot believe what these folks do — death-defying feats — haven’t seen somebody pull a “180” that fast since Rand Paul disinvited that Nevada rancher from this dinner.  (Laughter.)  As a general rule, things don’t like end well if the sentence starts, “Let me tell you something I know about the negro.”  (Laughter.)  You don’t really need to hear the rest of it.  (Laughter and applause.)  Just a tip for you — don’t start your sentence that way.  (Laughter.)
 
Speaking of Rand Paul — (laughter) — Colorado legalized marijuana this year, an interesting social experiment.  I do hope it doesn’t lead to a whole lot of paranoid people who think that the federal government is out to get them and listening to their phone calls.  (Laughter.)  That would be a problem.  (Laughter.)
 
And speaking of conservative heroes, the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight.  But as usual, they used a shadowy right-wing organization as a front.  Hello, Fox News.  (Laughter and applause.)
 
I’m just kidding.  Let’s face it, Fox, you’ll miss me when I’m gone.  (Laughter.)  It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.  (Laughter and applause.)
 
A lot of us really are concerned about the way big money is influencing our politics.  I remember when a Super PAC was just me buying Marlboro 100s instead of regulars.  (Laughter.)
 
Of course, now that it’s 2014, Washington is obsessed on the midterms.  Folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow Democrats don’t really want me campaigning with them.  And I don’t think that’s true — although I did notice the other day that Sasha needed a speaker at career day, and she invited Bill Clinton.  (Laughter.)  I was a little hurt by that.  (Laughter.)
 
Both sides are doing whatever it takes to win the ruthless game.  Republicans — this is a true story — Republicans actually brought in a group of consultants to teach their candidates how to speak to women.  This is true.  And I don’t know if it will work with women, but I understand that America’s teenage boys are signing up to run for the Senate in droves.  (Laughter.)
 
Anyway, while you guys focus on the horserace, I’m going to do what I do — I’m going to be focused on everyday Americans.  Just yesterday, I read a heartbreaking letter — you know I get letters from folks from around the country; every day I get 10 that I read — this one got to me.  A Virginia man who’s been stuck in the same part-time job for years; no respect from his boss; no chance to get ahead.  I really wish Eric Cantor would stop writing me.  (Laughter.)  You can just pick up the phone, Eric.  (Laughter.)
 
And I’m feeling sorry — believe it or not — for the Speaker of the House, as well.  These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means orange really is the new black.  (Laughter and applause.)
 
But I have not given up the idea of working with Congress. In fact, two weeks ago, Senator Ted Cruz and I, we got a bill done together.  And I have to say, the signing ceremony was something special.  We’ve got a picture of it I think.  (Laughter.)
 
Look, I know, Washington seems more dysfunctional than ever.  Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town you have to wonder:  What did we do to piss off Chris Christie so bad?  (Laughter and applause.)
 
One issue, for example, we haven’t been able to agree on is unemployment insurance.  Republicans continue to refuse to extend it.  And you know what, I am beginning to think they’ve got a point.  If you want to get paid while not working, you should have to run for Congress just like everybody else.  (Laughter and applause.)
 
Of course, there is one thing that keeps Republicans busy.  They have tried more than 50 times to repeal Obamacare.  Despite that, 8 million people signed up for health care in the first open enrollment.  (Applause.)  Which does lead one to ask, how well does Obamacare have to work before you don’t want to repeal it?  What if everybody’s cholesterol drops to 120?  (Laughter.)  What if your yearly checkup came with tickets to a Clippers game?  (Laughter.)  Not the old, Donald Sterling Clippers — the new Oprah Clippers.  Would that be good enough?  (Laughter.)  What if they gave Mitch McConnell a pulse?  (Laughter.)  What is it going to take?  (Laughter.)
 
Anyway, this year, I’ve promised to use more executive actions to get things done without Congress.  My critics call this the “imperial presidency.”  The truth is, I just show up every day in my office and do my job.  I’ve got a picture of this I think.  (Laughter and applause.)  You would think they’d appreciate a more assertive approach, considering that the new conservative darling is none other than Vladimir Putin.  (Laughter.)  Last year, Pat Buchanan said Putin is “headed straight for the Nobel Peace Prize.”  He said this.  Now I know it sounds crazy but to be fair, they give those to just about anybody these days.  (Laughter.)  So it could happen.
 
But it’s not just Pat — Rudy Giuliani said Putin is “what you call a leader.”  Mike Huckabee and Sean Hannity keep talking about his bare chest, which is kind of weird.  (Laughter.)  Look it up — they talk about it a lot.  (Laughter.)
 
It is strange to think that I have just two and a half years left in this office.  Everywhere I look, there are reminders that I only hold this job temporarily.  (Laughter.)
 
But it’s a long time between now and 2016, and anything can happen.  You may have heard the other day, Hillary had to dodge a flying shoe at a press conference.  (Laughter and applause.)  I love that picture.  (Laughter.)
 
Regardless of what happens, I’ve run my last campaign and I’m beginning to think about my legacy.  Some of you know — Mayor Rahm Emanuel recently announced he is naming a high school in Chicago after me, which is extremely humbling.  I was even more flattered to hear Rick Perry, who is here tonight, is doing the same thing in Texas.  Take a look.  (Laughter.)  Thank you, Rick.  It means a lot to me.  (Laughter and applause.)
 
And I intend to enjoy all the free time that I will have.  George W. Bush took up painting after he left office, which inspired me to take up my own artistic side.  (Laughter.)  I’m sure we’ve got a shot of this.  (Laughter.)  Maybe not.  The joke doesn’t work without the slide.  (Laughter.)  Oh well.  Assume that it was funny.  (Laughter.)  Does this happen to you, Joel?  It does?  Okay.
 
On a more serious note, tonight reminds us that we really are lucky to live in a country where reporters get to give a head of state a hard time on a daily basis — and then, once a year, give him or her the chance, at least, to try to return the favor.
 
But we also know that not every journalist, or photographer, or crewmember is so fortunate, because even as we celebrate the free press tonight, our thoughts are with those in places around the globe like Ukraine, and Afghanistan, and Syria, and Egypt, who risk everything — in some cases, even give their lives — to report the news.
 
And what tonight also reminds us is that the fight for full and fair access goes beyond the chance to ask a question.  As Steve mentioned, decades ago, an African American who wanted to cover his or her President might be barred from journalism school, burdened by Jim Crow, and, once in Washington, banned from press conferences.  But after years of effort, black editors and publishers began meeting with FDR’s press secretary, Steve Early.  And then they met with the President himself, who declared that a black reporter would get a credential.  And even when Harry McAlpin made history as the first African American to attend a presidential news conference, he wasn’t always welcomed by the other reporters.  But he was welcomed by the President, who told him, I’m glad to see you, McAlpin, and I’m very happy to have you here.
 
Now, that sentiment might have worn off once Harry asked him a question or two — (laughter) — and Harry’s battles continued.  But he made history.  And we’re s proud of Sherman and his family for being here tonight, and the White House Correspondents Association for creating a scholarship in Harry’s name.  (Applause.)
 
For over 100 years, even as the White House Correspondents Association has told the story of America’s progress, you’ve lived it, too — gradually allowing equal access to women, and minorities, and gays, and Americans with disabilities.  And, yes, radio, and television, and Internet reporters, as well.  And through it all, you’ve helped make sure that even as societies change, our fundamental commitment to the interaction between those who govern and those who ask questions doesn’t change.  And as Jay will attest, it’s a legacy you carry on enthusiastically  every single day.
 
And because this is the 100th anniversary of the Correspondents’ Association, I actually recorded an additional brief video thanking all of you for your hard work.  Can we run the video?
 
(Video fails to play.)
 
THE PRESIDENT:  What’s going on?  (Laughter.)  I was told this would work.  Does anybody know how to fix this?  (Laughter.)
 
(Secretary Sebelius enters from backstage.)
 
THE PRESIDENT:  Oh, thank you.  (Laughter and applause.)  You got it?
 
SECRETARY SEBELIUS:  I got this — I see it all the time.  There, that should work.
 
(Video plays.)
 
THE PRESIDENT:  Thank you very much, everybody.  God bless you.  And God bless America, and thank you, Kathleen Sebelius.  (Applause.)
 
END     10:40 P.M. EDT

 

【东方文化西方语微信公共号chinglish_zhaihua】

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