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我还要继续对孩子撒谎吗?!——中国妈妈问,美国妈妈答[No.73]

(2011-03-23 17:15:35)
标签:

中国妈妈问

美国妈妈答

米妈妈建议

单亲家庭

育儿

杂谈

分类: 中国妈妈问,美国妈妈答
2011年3月23日,星期三
来自米妈妈好友Greenyland
中国妈妈问——
希望问一个单亲家庭方面的问题:虽然母亲做了各种平和沟通和努力,但是父亲最终还是不愿意再看孩子(也不支付费用)。其实费用可以不付,但他应该给孩子关爱。女孩马上两岁,知道父亲,也接受了“爸爸在远的地方上班”的解释。 但还是会注意其他孩子有爸爸陪。请问要继续撒谎吗?还是找机会告诉她真像?

美国妈妈答——
来自美国阿什本的S M.
你的描述很简短,但我猜,孩子的父亲如果想见孩子的话应该不会太难。我想说的是,如果你的解释听上去像是个彻头彻尾的谎言,那就应该立即停止,为什么要因为他而让自己看上去像个骗子?当然了,你也没必要诚实到要对孩子说“你爸爸是个混蛋,他一点都不想见你”。
令人遗憾的是,不管你说什么,你的孩子都会慢慢意识到,他的父亲根本就不想和她有半点联系——即便你编出了个“爸爸在很远的地方上班”的漂亮谎言。
我认为,你可以告诉孩子她父亲的一些基本情况,比如父亲的名字,他住在什么地方或给她看他的照片,这样,孩子就不会觉得他父亲是个谜。但是用不着替他遮掩什么,也不用替他开脱,如果孩子问,“为什么爸爸不和我们住在一起,也不来看我”,你就告诉她,“你是个听话可爱的好孩子。爸爸做了个错误的选择,他现在还不知道如何做一个好爸爸”。然后,你可以给孩子指出所有那些爱她的,生活在她周围的人——要让孩子知道,不是所有的男人都像她父亲那样不负责任,这一点很重要。
对于你目前面临的处境,我感到很难过,为你也为你的孩子。我知道我的情况与你有所不同,但我还是想和你说说我的故事。我女儿没有爷爷,也没有外公。我的父亲虐待我,我的岳父20年前就抛弃了妻儿。我6岁的孩子从4岁起就开始问“妈妈的爸爸”(而不是爷爷)在哪。通常,我都会很客观地对待这个问题,我告诉他,他们都不是善良的人,他们不懂得尊重和善待家人,如果某人对你不好,那他就不配拥有你的爱。

我还要继续对孩子撒谎吗?!——中国妈妈问,美国妈妈答[No.73]

S M. answers from Ashburn
You don't include the real story, but I assume her father could easily see her if he wanted to? I would say if it feels like a lie, then you shouldn't be saying it. Why make yourself feel like a bad guy because of him? That being said, you needn't be so honest that you say "Dad is a jerk and doesn't want to see you."
Sadly, regardless of what you tell her, she will come to understand pretty soon and know her father doesn't want to have a relationship with her - even if you kept up the pretense of a hard working father in some exciting place.
I think it is better to keep things factual - like tell her his name, show her pictures, tell her where he lives, etc. I would leave it at that and don't let him be a mystery man. But don't volunteer information nor make excuses for him. If she starts to say, "why doesn’t' he live here and see me?" let her know she is a wonderful little girl, and tell her that her father is making bad choices and doesn't know how to be a Daddy right now. And point out all the wonderful people and men she does have in her life who love her - it is important she knows that not all men should behave this way.
Sorry you are going through this. I feel terrible for her and you. I know this is kind of different, but my daughters don't have any grandfathers. My father is abusive and my father in law abandoned his family 20 years ago. My 6 year old started asking around age 4, not about a grandfather but about "Mom's father." I basically was factual and said they weren't good men, they didn't treat their families the way they deserved to be treated with kindness and respect, and if people don't treat you well, they don't deserve to know you. That sort of thing. It hasn't really been an issue beyond that - yet.

来自美国里士满的Rachel
老实说,这应该是最好的办法!!你可以略过“他父亲不愿抽空看她”这个事实…总有一天,她自己会明白过来的。你只对她解释,有很多家庭也和咱们家一样只有妈妈(或只有爸爸,有的家庭有两个妈妈,有的只有爷爷奶奶等)。事实上,有很多育儿方面的书籍也建议家长这样向孩子解释家庭变故。我就对我的女儿说了实话…现在,她们知道,她们的亲生父亲是不称职的,而我的未婚夫才应该是他们真正的爸爸,真正的爸爸应该是那个爱她们,为她们努力工作,在晚上给她们掖被子的人。在我未婚夫还没出现之前,她们知道我既是她们的妈妈,又是她们的爸爸。小孩子的适应能力极强,但教会她们诚实的价值也是非常重要的。如果你现在对她撒谎,那将来她长大了,你就只得费尽心思地向她解释,而她也会觉得你一直在骗她。所以,别再向孩子隐瞒了。
Rachel D. answers from Richmond
Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy!! You can omit the parts where he doesn't take the time to see her... she'll figure that part out on her own. Just explain that lots of families only have a mommy (or just a daddy, some have 2 mommys, some have only grandparents, etc)... there are probably lots of good children's books out there explaining family dynamics. I was very honest with my girls... and they took the fact that biodad wasn't in the picture at face value, and they know that my fiance is their REAL daddy, the one who loves them and works hard for them and tucks them in at night. Before my fiance came along, they knew that I was both 'mom AND dad' in a sense... Children adapt remarkably well, but it's important to teach the value of honesty. If you lie now, you'll have a lot of explaining to do when she's older and wiser, and that would make you the bad guy. Don't lie!

来自美国福雷明罕的Jane
我不确定你是不是在撒谎。她有父亲,父亲也的确住在离她很远很远的地方不能来看她。等她再长大些,你可以向她解释,“很远很远”有时是距离上的远,有时是心灵上的远。
一个只有两岁大的孩子是不会问出复杂问题的。当她问你,“我爸爸在哪”,你就对她说,“他不和我们住一起,我们两个人心连心该多幸运啊!”然后就转移话题。当她问你“为什么他不和我们住一起”时,你就向她解释,“每个家庭和每个家庭的情况不同”。不告诉她实情和撒谎骗她是两回事。对这么小的孩子隐瞒一些不好的事实可以避免伤害到她。
Jane M. answers from Framingham
I'm not sure you are lying. She has a father, and he's far away and can't see her. As she gets older, you can explain that "far away" sometimes means distance, and sometimes it's more emotional.
At two, she's probably not asking super complicated questions. When she says "where's my daddy?" you can say "He doesn't live with us. We're so lucky we have each other!" and switch the subject. When she starts asking why he doesn't live with you, you can explain that different families work in different ways. Not telling her the whole grown-up truth is not the same thing as lying; it's being developmentally appropriate.

来自美国芝加哥的MandA
你想等到什么时候再告诉她实情呢?总有一天她会知道事情的真相。
现在你就需要向孩子解释,爸爸妈妈不再生活在一起了。没有必要说她父亲的坏话,就让他自己的行为说话吧。
另外,你如何向孩子描述父亲将直接影响到她长大后对男人的看法。如果你的措辞刻薄,那她长大后也会这样对待男性——不信任,不喜欢他们。我想你应该不希望看到这一点。
MandA M. answers from Chicago
If you don't tell her the truth now, when are you going to? She's going to find out one day, somehow.
All you need to offer for an explanation right now is that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. You don't need to badmouth him. Let his actions (or lack thereof) speak for themselves.
At this point, how you approach your references to him will affect how she views men as she grows up. If you're bitter, she'll grow up with that. Not trusting or liking men. I'm sure you don't want that for her.

来自美国洛杉矶的Nikki
你不应该对孩子撒谎。这会伤害到她,让你们之间相互信任的关系受损。其实,事实并不总是伤人的,只要你讲述它的方式得当。
Nikki M. answers from L.A.
You should never lie. It will hurt your trusting relationship with her later on. It's not always the truth that hurts, but rather the incorrect way you say it.


米妈妈建议:
不要再对孩子撒谎了。这会伤害她,让你们之间相互信任的关系受损。正如来自美国洛杉矶的Nikki所说的那样,事实并不总是伤人的,只要你讲述它的方式得当。
你可以这样向孩子解释,“爸爸不和我们住在一起,但你瞧,我们两个人心连心的该多好啊!”然后就转移话题。当她问你“为什么他不和我们住一起”时,你就说,“每个家庭和每个家庭的情况不同”,或者,“你是个听话可爱的好孩子。爸爸做了个错误的选择,他现在还不知道如何做一个好爸爸”。然后,你可以给孩子指出所有那些爱她的,生活在她周围的人——要让孩子知道,不是所有的男人都像她父亲那样不负责任,这一点很重要。
记住,你如何向孩子描述父亲将直接影响到她长大后对男人的看法。如果你的措辞刻薄,那她长大后也会这样对待男性。

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