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眨眼之后2(暂稿)

(2009-03-13 13:19:48)
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分类: 中外小说(双语对照)

3

The place is crowded and noisy, people are talking to each other and completely ignoring the woman in purple tights and purple hair who is bellowing some ode to spaghetti, and when he takes my elbow and leads me away to a quieter corner, a little thrill runs right up my arm. He asks if I want to get out of there and I nod and suddenly my knees are way too loose and I’m afraid that if I walk they’ll bend backwards, the wrong way, which would not be attractive at all.

这个地方很拥挤而且闹哄哄的,人们相互聊得热火朝天,完全把那个穿着一身紫色紧身衣,染着一头紫色头发的女人晾在了一边,她正扯着嗓子在朗诵一首通心粉颂,他抓起我的胳膊肘,领着我走到一个安静一点的角落时,一阵小小的激动顺着我的胳膊直往上窜。他问我想不想出去,我点了点头,我的两个膝盖突然散了架似的,完全不听使唤了,我担心一迈步膝盖就会往后弯曲,整个弄拧了,那样子将很难看。

I manage to pull myself together and we get in our cars and I follow him to a bar, which is quiet and low-lit and has a nice band playing oldies. We talk and dance and his arms go around my waist, which has mostly been used to apron strings and babies’ monkey legs and my husband’s arms. Which are also nicely hairy and brown and have those good corded muscles. Which I’m trying not to think about just like I’m trying not to mention that both Mr. Gorgeous and I are wearing wedding rings. Because we are, and we’re not kidding ourselves that this is anything but an exercise in visibility.

我费了好大的劲儿才让自己镇静下来,我们各自上了车,我跟着他来到了一家酒吧,酒吧里很安静,灯光比较昏暗,有一个不错的乐队,在演奏一些怀旧的曲子。我们一边聊一边跳舞,他的胳膊搂着我的腰,而我的腰最为习惯的还是围裙带子、娃娃们的“猴腿”裤袜和我老公的胳膊。我老公的胳膊也不赖,毛茸茸的,咖啡色,而且也有紧绷绷的肌肉。我竭力不去想这些,就像我竭力只字不提仪表堂堂先生和我手上双双都戴着结婚戒指一样。因为我俩都在又都不在自欺欺人,认为这根本不是什么见不得人的事儿。

You see, it seems to me that after forty you become invisible. Oh, you’re still there and people see you but they don’t really see you. They see this person whose daughter is now an adult and whose mother is now a child and who’s supposed to hold everything together. A person who couldn’t possibly have desires and doubts and unfulfilled longings. A person who is still, improbably, perhaps imperceptibly, a person.

要知道,在我看来,人过了四十,人们似乎就会对你视而不见了。这么说吧,你人在那儿,人们也看见你了,但其实你并没进入他们的视线。在他们眼里,这个人的女儿现在长大成人了,母亲现在反倒成了小孩子了,而她则应该成为主心骨,不大可能还心存欲望,疑虑和憧憬,人还是个人,一个很不起眼,或许觉察不到的人。

I sneak a look at Mr. Still-Has-It and I can see that he still loves rock’n’roll and would still look good behind the wheel of a Corvette and still has a bit of anxiety about how he looks to a younger woman. Which I am, to him. So I smile and flirt and he flirts back and it feels good. We dance and I think about how strange it is to be in the arms of someone else, another man, a man who is a bit taller and bulkier than my husband, with a different voice and different lips and different eyes. It feels so weird, and then it feels even weirder when he kisses me, which he does, right there in the middle of the dance floor. I haven’t kissed another man on the lips in over twenty years and now his mouth is on mine, and it’s different, a different touch and taste and style. More than that, it’s real, I’m really here and I’m doing this thing.

我偷偷地瞅了依旧不减当年先生一眼,看得出他依旧喜欢摇滚乐,依旧希望驾着巡洋舰风光八面,依旧有点儿想知道自己在一个年轻一点儿的女人眼中是个什么形象。对他来说,我便是一个年轻一点儿的女人。于是我笑了笑,跟他调情,他也跟我来了个投桃报李,感觉真好。我俩跳着舞,我心里想着躺在别人的怀里会是何等异样的感觉,另一个男人,一个比自己的老公个头稍微高一点,块头稍微大一点的男人,别样的声音,别样的嘴唇,别样的眼神。感觉很怪异,要是他吻我,感觉会更加怪异,他吻了我,就在舞池的中央。二十多年来我还从未亲过另一个男人的嘴,而此刻他的嘴咬着我的嘴,还真不一样,触感不一样,味道不一样,方式不一样。更重要的是,千真万确,我真的在这里,而且是在做这样的事。

4

I start to shake, start to vibrate like a goddamn tuning fork, until he probably thinks he’s such a good kisser that I’m going into orgasm, but actually I’m about three counties away from an orgasm. I’m just shaking with fear because I realize that I’m thinking about a lot more than kissing and that scares the hell out of me.

我开始哆嗦了,像一把该死的音叉般颤动起来了,他很可能以为自己是一个非常了不起的接吻高手,以为吻得我都快要达到高潮了这才罢手,而实际上我离高潮还有十万八千里呢。我不过是吓哆嗦了,因为我意识到自己正在想入非非,想比接吻还要超出许多的事情,这一想把我的魂都快要吓掉了。

He laughs a little, softly, in a pleased sort of way, and I blush all the way to my fingernails and we go back to the table. He’s looking at me and I think, yes, look at me. I’m not ready to be old, to have all my fun behind me. I want to shimmy when I dance and wiggle when I walk. I want a man to look at me and get a little yee-ha of his own.

他大笑了一会儿,声音很轻,笑得比较开心,羞得我连指甲都红了,我们回到了座位上。他瞅着我,我心里想,对,瞅吧。我还不想老,不想把我所有的乐趣抛诸脑后。我想跳舞的时候摇摇摆摆,走路的时候扭来扭去。我想有男人瞅我,然后有点儿“耶哈”的感觉。

Then I begin to think that maybe this is why people cheat in the first place. To have this warm glow that comes from someone else’s eyes. To remember who they are and to not be the person that everyone thinks they are and, a little bit, to not be the person they know they are.

然后我产生了这样一种想法,觉得没准儿这就是人们之所以骗人的根本原因。希望看到别人眼里送来这温情脉脉的一瞥。希望记住自己是谁而又不想成为人人都认定的那号人,还有点儿不想做安分守己的人。

I look at him too. I see a man who’s just as scared as I am of becoming invisible. Or being seen as past it, on the far side of manhood, as being old. I reach across the table and take his hand (good hands, wide and blunt-fingered, the hands of a man who can fix things). I stroke his wrist, letting my fingers slide up that inner tendon and wonder whether it’s his pulse that’s thudding so hard under the skin, or mine. I think about all the things I’ve never done and all the things I’ll never be, and I wonder if it’s too late.

我也瞅着他。我眼前的男人,和我一样,害怕成为人们视若无睹的人。或者担心成为人们眼中不中用,早过了那个劲儿的老头儿。我把手伸过茶几,拿起他的手,那是一双不错的手,宽宽厚厚的,指头短粗短粗的,一双会修理东西的男人的手。我抚摸他的手腕,听任自己的手指顺着那根内腱往上滑动,不知道是他的脉搏还是我的脉搏在皮肤下面扑通扑通跳得那样厉害。我心里想着所有我从未做过的事情和所有永远也不会有人对我做的事情,我不知道是不是已经来不及了。

A rush goes through me, starting with my lips, making them feel warm and full, and I think, damn, what a hell of a time for my first hot flash. But it’s not a hot flash. It’s the realization that I’m not going to do a thing. Among all those things I wanted to do with my life, this wasn’t on the list.

一股暖流袭遍了我的全身,从嘴唇开始,使得它们既温暖又饱满,我心想:该死,我的第一次潮热怎么赶在了这个倒霉的时间来。可那不是什么潮热。是认识到了自己不会做一件事情。在我这辈子想做的所有事情中,这一件不在其中之列。

I give Mr. It-Might-Have-Been a quick kiss on the cheek. I’ll have daydreams for a while about him, play with thoughts that should send me to confession, and keep the memory of his kiss for those days when I can’t jump-start my own desires. I drive home and sit for a moment in the car, looking up at the light in the bedroom window.

我匆匆地吻了心愿未遂先生的脸颊一下。我会幻想他一会儿,玩味一下那些弄不好会令我忏悔的想法,并且将把他的吻留在记忆里,以供将来自己的欲望激发不起来时起点作用。我开车回家并在车里坐了一会儿,仰头看着卧室窗户里的灯光。

5

You know, sometimes a wink is really just a nervous tic, a sudden twitch of muscles contracted in error by a misguided neuron, an accident of synapses gone awry. The muscles keep twitching until something clicks over and they smooth out, like a skip in an old 45 rpm record, and everything goes back to normal. The way it should be, I guess. The way it is. The way the music plays best.

你知道的,有时候眨眼其实不过是神经抽搐而已,是某根神经出了点问题而引起的肌肉突然收缩颤搐,神经元的突触出了岔子而出现的意外。这些肌肉会不停地抽搐,一直要等到某样东西噼噼啪啪响完后才会平静下来,就像一张每分钟转45圈的老唱片跳针一样,跳过去了一切就趋于正常了。应该是这么个理儿,我猜是。是这么个理儿。这样放出来的音乐最动听。

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