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婚姻中要避免生气吗?

(2008-07-29 22:11:37)
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分类: 芭芭拉博士婚姻情感问答(翻译)

译文:情海

Barbara De Angelis Ph.D. 版权所有

HOW CAN I GET OVER MY FEAR OF CONFLICT AND BE MORE HONEST WITH MY PARTNER?

我害怕跟人冲突,怎样才能克服这一恐惧以便跟伙伴坦诚相待?

我未成年之前,家里总是充斥着尖叫和打骂,自此我立下誓言,永远不要像我的父母那样,尤其是我妈妈,她是个不折不扣的酒鬼,情绪波动很大。最终造成了现在这种情况,我对跟人冲突怕得要死,一门心思想维持和平局面,结果我的很多想法都对伙伴封闭了——情感交流的渠道堵死了。有什么是我能做的吗,以便让我克服对发怒或生气的恐惧?

 

你所描述的是人们在感情婚姻中经常犯的一个致命错误:他们试图把不好的感情都压下来,目的就是不想把船弄翻,结果最终反而毁掉了情感联系,浇灭了婚姻激情。我没法告诉你曾经有多少对这样的夫妻因为这样的原因抵达了离婚边缘,他们在婚姻中都想尽力避免冲突和对抗,结果反而从来没有机会解决感情中的任何问题。好消息是,你对此已经有了足够的认识,因此在如何处理令人不快的情感方面,获得了作出新的正确决定的好机会。

 

我想尽可能对你的问题展开回答,因为这同时也是个非常严肃的问题,很多人都受到了这个问题的挑战,你能理解“做什么才能改变你目前的处境”是件至关重要的事。

 

首先,我要鼓励你去做些情感功课,以便让你修改你的情感编程,我是这样看的:在你还是小孩子的时候,某些时候你作了一些无意识的情感决定,比如“如果我忍不住发怒或生气了,我就会变成妈妈那样的坏女人”,或者“表露出我的感情,让我不安全”。多年以后,这样一些类似的东西仍然会统治你的生活。事实上,在你的意识里面你知道你跟你的妈妈不一样,你不是她,可是在你的生活中你仍然为自己制定了严厉的生活准则,以免让自己看起来像她一样糟糕糟糕真糟糕。因此在你的伙伴做了些什么事情让你感到不安的时候,你的自然反应虽然是愤怒或生气,可你脑袋里面的警钟此时却会拉响警报,“不能发怒!!不能发怒!!”,于是,在你的发怒或生气表现在脸上之前,你压制了心头的怒火。

 

我希望你能对下面这段话认真思考:你现在感觉到的危险,实际上在你目前的生活中并找不到源头,那是你作为孩子的时候你妈妈发怒时你所感到的危险,因为你不知道她接下来会干哪些让你害怕的事。现在,你一在生活中遇到发怒或生气的事,不管是你自己的,还是对方的,或者是其他人的,你旧有的恐惧马上会被触发,因为它一直就没得到过解决。看起来,就好像那个“五岁的你”一直在操纵“现在的你”的感情生活一样。

 

所谓修改你的情感编程,就是要让你去做些情感功课,让你给“五岁的你”一个机会,说出你小时候害怕时不敢说的“不好”的东西。你,作为“五岁的你”的成人妈妈,要去跟“五岁的你”进行沟通,让她放心她是安全的,没有危险的,让她尽管放心地表达自己,感到害怕是正常的事,谁都会这样。如果你的伙伴能告诉你你没必要一直看起来人模狗样,想生气的时候你就生气好了,我们都是凡夫俗子又不是什么僧道神仙,如果他能这样跟你说,也一样会有帮助,把自己的怒气表达出来,当然是件恰当不过的事。

 

解决方案的第二部分,与理解生气的本质有关,如果你能明白生气的本来面目,你就不会被它吓倒了。我所教的一个基本概念是——情感地图。所谓情感地图,就是一套简单而有效的情感规则,这套情感规则能帮助你明白自己的情感和他人的情感,并能帮助你走出那些令人不快的东西,比如生气、伤心或害怕,从而让你回到之前爱的状态。

 

根据情感地图,我们的情感经历是分层次的,下面是这六个情感层次:

  1. 生气、责备、怨恨
  2. 伤心、悲伤、失望
  3. 害怕、不安、受伤
  4. 后悔、理解、责任
  5. 目的、方案、希望
  6. 爱、原谅、欣赏

下面举个例子,看看情感地图怎么使用。让我们假设我的丈夫做了件什么事让我很生气,生气是我产生的显而易见的情感,生气之下,是我感到伤心,当别人让我们伤心到一定程度的时候,我们会感到生气,生气是自我保护的一种下意识的方式,因此我不只是觉得“你晚回来了两个小时,我很恼火”,我还感到了伤心,“你这么不在乎我的感觉,我真的很伤心”。伤心之下,是我感到的更深层次的、更基本的东西——害怕。害怕,是我们存储情感伤害的那个情感层次,也是潜伏在我们内心里的那个“害怕的小孩子”被触发害怕的地方。这样以来,从生气,到伤心,再到我觉得“我担心你总是这样努力工作,我们哪里还有足够的时间呆在一起,而我的担心又让我想起小时候等爸爸深夜回家的情形,我左等右等他都不回来,我感到很害怕”。

 

说到现在,你跟上我的节奏了吗?我是从我感到真的很生气说起的,生气,可以这样说,就好像冰山的一角,当我顺着冰山往下走的时候,就找到了多数生气的源头:很多的害怕。这些害怕,有的来自现在,有的遗留自过去。接下来你继续往下走,就来到第四个情感层次了——“后悔”和“理解”。一旦我在第三个层面上看到了我的害怕、我的情感创伤和真正触发我生气的东西,我就能看清整个画面了,就能理解更多发生的东西了,我还可能对自己朝着对方大发怒火而后悔,或者后悔那天晚上自己一句话也没对丈夫说却对他冰冷以对。现在,我要继续向前来到“解决我的情感”这个层次了——目的,这是下面那个更深的层次——我想要什么东西发生,我的解决方案是什么,我的希望是什么——“我希望我们解决这个问题,我希望下次你晚回来的时候先打个电话给我”,这是第五个层次。

 

情感地图中最深的第六个层次是什么?当然是爱和原谅了。如果我不是那么地爱我丈夫,一开始我就不会抓狂。正是因为我爱他,他回来晚了我才会感到害怕;正是因为我感到害怕,他回来晚了我才会感到伤心;正是因为我感到伤心,并且伤心到了一定程度,他回来晚了我才会感到生气。这是我为什么说“生气,是爱从里面表达到外面来了”。因为爱他,你才生气;如果不爱他,你就不会生气。当你用情感地图解决了你的不安,当你用情感地图将自己送回到爱的层次时,我们就把这个过程叫做“还原情感真相”。

 

我之所以花这些时间来解释情感地图的使用,就是希望你开始明白下面三个要点:

  1. 生气这种东西并不“坏”——它们是在你感到爱的流动被阻断时的一种自然反应,只有在你将生气发泄出来而不是交流出来的时候,它们才是危险的。
  2. 当你抑制了自己的怒火时,结果你连它之下的所有情感也一起抑制了,因而最终也就把你自己跟爱彻底割断了。
  3. 如果你没有能力用建设性的方式解决你的生气,你的生气并不会消失——你将它们存在你的心里了。“外部的东西引起的怒火,如果没办法表达出来,就会变成你内心燃烧的怒火”,你能想象需要多少能量才能压制所有的怒火吗?当你压抑怒火的时候,你可能感到自己四肢无力,死气沉沉,伤心欲绝。实际上,你在用自己的生命来阻止怒火的燃烧。

我说了很多让你思考的东西,用某个小问题练习“还原情感真相”吧,你将看到它多么有用!(如果你想知道更多东西,请阅读《怎样让爱从始至终》,或《让爱动起来》)

Q:When I was young, there was a lot of yelling and drama in my house, and I vowed I'd never turn out like my parents, especially my mother who was a raging alcoholic with major mood swings. The result is that I am scared to death of conflict, and try to "keep the peace", but I end up holding back a lot of my feelings from my partner. What can I do to overcome my fear of anger?

 

A:You’re describing one of the deadliest mistakes people make in their relationships: they push down all the "not nice" feelings because they don’t want to rock the boat, and by doing so, they end up destroying their emotional connection and killing the passion. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve worked with who were on the verge of divorce, all because they had tried so hard to avoid any conflict or confrontation, and thus, never had a chance to resolve any of the issues in their relationship. The good news is that you’re aware of what you’re doing, and have the chance to make new, healthy decisions about how you handle unpleasant emotions.

 

I’m going to give you a fairly extensive answer to your question, because this is a serious problem that so many people are challenged by, and it’s crucial that you understand what you can to do change your situation.

 

First, I encourage you to do some serious work on healing your Emotional Programming. This is how I see it.: Sometime when you were a child, you made some unconscious emotional decisions such as "If I feel angry, I’ll be bad like my mother," or "It’s not safe for me to express my feelings." These decisions are still running your life years later. Consciously, you know you aren’t your mother, yet you’ve made strict rules for yourself to make sure you never behave in a way that remotely resembles her abuse. So when your partner does something that upsets you, and you feel the natural response of irritation or anger, alarm bells go off in your brain that warn "Danger!! Danger!!" and you instinctively suppress those angry feelings before they can surface.

 

Here’s what I’d like you to think about: the danger you’re perceiving does not have its source in present time. It’s the danger you felt as a child when your mother became angry, because you weren’t sure how she was going to behave. Whenever you encounter anger, yours, your mate’s, or anyone’s for that matter, the old unresolved emotions of terror are triggered. It’s as if that five year old child is in charge of your emotional life. Healing your Emotional Programming means doing some work where you give that child part of you a chance to find her voice and say all the "not nice" things she didn’t feel safe saying when she was little. You, as her adult ‘parent’ ,need to communicate with that inner child, assuring her that she is safe, that it’s O.K. for her to express herself, and that she has permission to be upset. It will also help if your mate verbally gives you permission to not always be nice, and to express your angry feelings (appropriately, of course).

 

The second part of the solution has to do with understanding the nature of anger so you won’t be so frightened by it. One of the basic concepts I teach is called The Emotional Map. The Emotional Map is a simple yet powerful formula to help you understand your own feelings and the feelings of others, and to assist you in moving out of unpleasant emotions, such as anger, hurt or fear and back to a state of love.

 

According to the Emotional Map, we are always experiencing our emotions in layers. These six levels of feelings are: 根据情感地图,我们的情感经历是分层次的,下面是这六个情感层次:

  1. ANGER, Blame, and Resentment 生气、责备、怨恨
  2. HURT, Sadness , and Disappointment 伤心、悲伤、失望
  3. FEAR, Insecurity, and Emotional Wounds 害怕、不安、受伤
  4. REGRET, Understanding, and Responsibility 后悔、理解、责任
  5. INTENTION, Solutions, and Wishes 目的、方案、希望
  6. LOVE, Forgiveness, and Appreciation 爱、原谅、欣赏

Here is an example of how the Emotional Map works. Let’s say my husband does something that makes me really angry. Anger is simply the most obvious emotion I’m feeling. Underneath the anger, I am hurt. When someone hurts us enough, we feel anger as a unconscious means of protecting ourselves. So I’m not just feeling "I’m furious at you for being two hours late," I’m also feeling HURT: "It really hurt me that you were so insensitive to my feelings. "Underneath the hurt, I’m feeling something even deeper and more basic--FEAR. This is the level of emotion where all of our old emotional wounds are stored, that place where the frightened child gets triggered. So along with my anger, and hurt, I am also feeling, "I’m afraid you’ll always work so hard that we won’t have enough time together. And this reminds me of how I felt waiting for my father to come home at night when he wouldn’t show up."

 

Do you follow what’s happening so far? Even though I started out feeling really angry, anger was just the tip of the iceberg , so to speak. When I delve deeper into my emotions, the source of much of my anger is a lot of fear, some from the present, and some left over from the past. The fourth level of the map is called REGRET, and understanding. Once I take a look at my fears, my wounds and what’s really triggering my reaction, I can begin to see the whole picture and understand more of what is going on. Perhaps I also have regrets about how I lashed out with my anger, or how I didn’t say anything, but was cold to my husband that evening. Now I’m moving towards resolving my feelings. And the next level deeper down is INTENTION--what I want to happen, my solutions, my hopes. "I want us to work this out. I’d like you to call next time you are late."

What is the deepest and sixth level of feeling in our Emotional Map? LOVE, of course, and forgiveness. If I didn’t love my husband so much, I wouldn’t be mad in the first place. It’s because I love him that I became afraid, then hurt, and eventually, hurt enough to be angry. This is why I say :"Anger is love turned inside out." When you resolve your upset feelings and communicate using the Emotional Map to take you back to love, that is called communicating The Complete Truth.

 

 

I’ve given you a lot to think about. Start practicing the Communicating Complete Truth about a small issue, and see how well it works! (For more information on this technique, see How To Make Love All The Time, or the Making Love Work Program)

 

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