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男朋友像吃奶的孩子长不大

(2008-07-21 10:40:56)
标签:

婚姻

两性

情感

校园

杂谈

分类: 芭芭拉博士婚姻情感问答(翻译)

译文:情海

Barbara De Angelis Ph.D. 版权所有

HOW SHOULD YOU HANDLE A PARTNER WHO SMOTHERS YOU WITH TOO MUCH LOVE AND AFFECTION AND IS TOO POSSESSIVE? 对方用过多的爱和关心让你窒息,对方太有占有欲,遇上这样的伙伴怎么办?

我跟大多数女人的问题刚好相反——我的男朋友太爱我了。他每一分钟都想跟我在一起,从来不对我松手,我们只要没呆在一起,他过一会儿就给我打电话,过一会儿又给我打电话。我告诉他退后一点,给我一点空间,别老粘着我,可是这让他颇感拒绝和受伤,最后我自己不得不先偃旗息鼓了。我确实很在乎这个男人,可是我开始感到厌倦了,甚至有些怕他。我怎样才能让他明白,我要他别这么过分的爱我?

 

你的问题不在于你的男朋友爱你太多了,而是他爱自己太少了。我把他这种人叫做“情感嗜血”,他的内心像个空荡荡的感情容器,他迫不及待地要你将之注满,遗憾的是这个容器底部有个漏洞,所以不管你注进去多少,对他来说永远都不够,他总是渴望多一些,再多一些。也难怪你感觉不舒服了,因为尽管看起来他渴望跟你在一起、渴望抚摸你、渴望给你打电话好象是在给予,实际上他是在索取:他在依靠你的存在、你的能量、你的关心来维持生存。

 

像你男朋友这样好象”太爱别人”的人,似乎总是非常的贫乏,总是在寻求通过暂时剂量的爱、性或感情来让他们自己摆脱痛苦。他们能飞快地爱上别人,能轻易变得强迫和困扰,他们欲将对方连跟拔起,最后愧疚而抱歉地缠住对方不放。你的男朋友肯定在的他人生过程中受到过严重的伤害,他的伤害可能来自家庭成员,因而他的感情创伤也不是轻易能够治愈的,除非他能从源头上着手解决。你们的关系以及他曾经拥有的所有其他关系,对他的感情创伤来说,就像绑迪——都是慢性重创的临时性解决方案,根本没可能从根本上解决他的问题。

 

让我跟你说什么好呢? 可能的话,在事情变得更糟之前,现在就结束这段关系吧,再下去的话事情只会越来越糟。只有一种情况你可以继续见他,就是如果他承认他的问题,并且赶快去寻求帮助的话。如果你的男朋友能接受非常深入的咨询,也许你们能有机会一起想办法解决这个问题。不过,我有种感觉,你已经受够了。另外,别忘了看看为什么你跟这种人卷到了一起。(提示:他请求你爱他… 你有所保留… 你要惩罚爸爸或妈妈吗… 你没有失控吗?)

 

翻译后记:我只所以选择翻译这篇文章,是因为我担心一家只有一个孩之后,中国有恋母情节的男人会有增多的趋势,但愿我的担心是多余的。

 

QI have the opposite problem of most women--my boyfriend loves me too much. He wants to be with me every second; he never takes his hands off of me; and when we aren’t together, he calls me every few hours. I’ve asked him to back off, to give me some space, but he gets really hurt and rejected, and I end up comforting him. I really care about this man, but I’m starting to turn off, and even feel scared of him. How can I make him see that I need him to love me less?

 

A:Your problem isn’t that your boyfriend loves you too much--it’s that he doesn’t love himself enough. He’s what I call an "emotional vampire." His heart is like an emotional container that’s empty, and he desperately needs you to fill him up, only there’s a hole in the bottom, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough, and he’ll always crave more. No wonder you feel uncomfortable: although he appears to be giving in his desire to be with you, touch you, and call you, he’s actually taking. He’s feeding off of your attention, your presence, your energy.

 

People like your boyfriend who seem to "love too much" are almost always desperately needy, seeking to distract themselves from their pain with a temporary dose of love, sex, or affection. They can fall in love instantly, and become easily compulsive and obsessed, sucking their partners in by sweeping them off their feet, and, eventually, keeping them around with guilt and pity. Your boyfriend has been very hurt in his life, probably by a family member, and has an emotional wound that will not heal until he deals with it at it’s source. Your relationship and all the others he has had are like band-aids, temporary solutions for a deep and chronic problem.

 

What am I telling you? Probably, to end this relationship now, before things get worse, and they inevitably will. The only circumstances under which you should keep seeing him would be if he admitted to the problem and sought help immediately. There’s a chance that, if your boyfriend receives some intensive counseling, you could work things out together. However, I sense that you’ve already had enough. And don’t forget to take a look at why you got sucked in by this kind of person. (Hint: He begs for your love--you withhold it...Are you punishing Mom or Dad? Are you staying in control?)

 

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