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为什么主动提出性要求的一直是我?

(2008-07-15 20:28:35)
标签:

婚姻

两性

情感

校园

分类: 芭芭拉博士婚姻情感问答(翻译)

译文:情海

Barbara De Angelis Ph.D.

HOW CAN I GET MY PARTNER TO INITIATE SEX MORE, INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR ME TO ALWAYS BE THE ONE WHO WANTS IT?

怎样才能让我的伙伴进行更多性的亲密,而不是老等着我提出来?

在我跟妻子的性关系里,我一直是主动提出云雨要求的那个。如果我不先拉开序幕,我们根本就不会云雨巫山。我总是想让她主动些,可是没用。我几乎觉得如果我们从此不再性亲密的话,她也会很高兴。我已经厌倦了自己总是挑头的那个,有什么办法能让她先提出来吗?

 

你已经知道你没办法“让”你的妻子成为发起者了,问题是:她为什么不先向你发动性活动呢?听起来似乎有些蠢,可是你试没试过问她,“亲爱的,为什么你不能更经常地提出性爱呢?” 她不见得愿意讨论这个问题,不过如果你能这样问她,也许你会有机会让她提供点信息跟你共享,从而帮助你掌握她内心的活动。

 

如果她不愿意提供那样的信息,那么让我来解释几个原因,为什么她失去了性兴趣,或者不想性主动。

 

1. 她被告知“好女孩不能让别人知道她们也要享受性爱。”

在我们这个性压抑的社会里,女人是怎样被养大的呢?她们总是被告知:喜欢性爱的女孩子是放荡的、淫贱的和男人不想要的。她们总是在自觉不自觉地学习压抑她们的性感和性欲,总是害怕如果她们将之泄露出去会发生什么事。你的妻子或许从她的父母那儿或教堂那儿接受了这些信息,而这样一些信息无疑对她产生了严重影响,这就造成了她在主动提出性爱上的难度,因为那将让她看起来好象很喜欢性爱一样,结果会让她觉得自己像个坏女人或脏女人,而这不是她所希望的。

 

当你主动提出性要求的时候,你没说你的妻子是否喜欢性爱,如果她是喜欢性爱的,那么我得说上面的原因便可解释她为什么缺乏主动了。跟她谈谈她小时候接受到的性信息,向她解释解释总是作为主动的一方你感受到了什么压力;毕竟,当你接近你爱的人、想让他们知道你想亲热时,你也准备好了被拒绝的可能,这是一种感情危机。告诉她当她向你表达她需要你的时候,你会感觉到自己有多么被她需要和喜欢,这会让你感到非常开心,你一定要让她相信这会让你越发尊重她而不是反之。

 

2. 她喜欢性爱,可是没办法被你调动起来,没办法享受你跟她云雨的方式。

我没办法告诉你曾经有多少次某个丈夫向我抱怨她的妻子不喜欢性爱了,可是当我私下里跟她聊起的时候,她却说,‘不是她不喜欢云雨,而是不喜欢跟他云雨!她只是不喜欢他跟她做爱的那种方式’。我知道,这一点是需要非常考虑的,可是如果你的妻子逃避性爱或不主动提出性爱的话,如果你不幸是这样一个男人,那你就不得不鼓起勇气问她,“如果我采取别一种做爱方式,你会更喜欢吗?” 如果她回答说“是!”,那么放下你的架子,敞开你的心胸,听听她有什么性爱好和性反感吧,听听她有哪些性需要是你没有给予满足的吧,听听她有哪些你该怎样跟她性爱的性幻想吧。如果没有专家帮助的话,要讨论这些问题可能是困难的,所以如果你想更坦诚地在性爱沟通上寻求帮助,建议你去找个性爱质量方面的治疗师或咨询师提供帮助。

 

3. 可能由于某些情感伤害造成她不喜欢性爱

如果你跟你的妻子讨论这些问题,而她声称她就是不喜欢性爱,就是不能接受这种东东,那么问题就比看起来复杂多了。一个人根本不喜欢性爱——我不相信真有这种事。所谓的不喜欢,可能来源于害怕亲密,来源于害怕被人操控,或者受到压抑的(对你的)愤怒。可是如果她对性爱的索然无味一直以来就存在,那么原因可能就要追溯到更严重的情感伤害上了,比如性虐待,强奸,家庭性虐,或者其他暴力的虐待方式。你的妻子可能没有认识到她对你的性反感跟她受到的情感伤害之间的联系,事实上,她甚至可能都不记得让她逃避性接触的那些事情了。如果你怀疑她是这种情感伤害的受害者,那么在你的力量范围内尽一切可能让她得到专家的帮助吧,那不只是为了你们婚姻的需要,更是为了她内心平静的需要。

 

Q:In my relationship with my wife, I'm always the one who initiates sex. If I don't make an overture, we won't make love. I've asked her to be more sexually aggressive, but nothing changes. I feel like she'd be happy if we never had sex. I'm tired of always making the moves. How can I get her to be the initiator?

 

A:You already know that you can’t "get " your wife to be the initiator. The question is , why doesn’t she initiate sexual activity with you? This may sound silly, but have you tried asking her, "Honey, why don’t you initiate sex more often?" Perhaps she won’t want to talk about it, but there’s a chance that she will share some information that will help you understand what’s going on inside her.

In case she doesn’t wish to volunteer that information, let me explain some of the reasons why seem disinterested in or don’t initiate sex:

 

1. She was taught that ‘good girls aren’t supposed to show that they enjoy sex."

In our sexually repressed society, women are frequently brought up to believe that girls who like sex are loose, sleazy and not the kind that men want to marry. We often unconsciously or consciously learn to suppress our sensuality and sexuality, fearing what will happen to us if we let it out. Your wife may have received strong messages to this effect from her parents or her church, and therefore, finds it difficult to initiate sex because that makes it look like she likes sex, and consequently, is bad or dirty.  

 

You didn’t mention whether or not your wife enjoys sex when you initiate it. If she does, I’d say the above reason is probably the cause of her lack of sexual aggression. Talk to her about the sexual messages she received as a child. Explain how pressured you feel always being the one who is the aggressor; after all, it’s an emotional risk to approach someone you love and let them know you want to be intimate, since you are setting yourself up for possible rejection. Tell her how loved and wanted you feel when she shows you she wants you, and reassure her that this makes you respect her even more.

 

2. She likes sex, but may not be turned on by you and enjoy the way you make love to her.

I can’t tell you how many times a husband will complain to me that his wife doesn’t like sex, but when I speak to her in private, she confesses that it’s not sex she doesn’t like, but sex with him! She just doesn’t like the way he makes love to her. I know this might be very to consider, but if you’re a man whose wife is avoiding sex, or won’t initiate sex, find the courage to ask her: "Would you enjoy sex more if I made love to your differently?" If her answer is "Yes!", put your ego aside, and be open to hearing her sexual likes and dislikes, the needs you may not be fulfilling, and her fantasy about how she would like you to make love to her. This may be difficult to discuss without professional help, so find a qualified sex therapist or counselor if you need help in communicating more honestly and openly about sex.

3. She may not like sex due to some emotional trauma. If you discuss these issues with your wife, and she claims she just doesn’t care about sex, don’t accept this at face value. Asexuality is more complex than it appears. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a person simply "not liking sex." A disinterest in sex usually covers up an aversion to sex. This can stem from fear of intimacy, fear of being controlled, suppressed anger (hers at you), but if the sexual disinterest has been a lifelong problem, it can usually be traced to serious emotional trauma such as sexual molestation, rape, incest, or other violent forms of abuse. Your wife may not even be aware of the connection between her emotional wounds and her aversion to sex. In fact, she may not even remember the events that could have programmed her to avoid sexual contact. If you suspect that she is a victim of this kind of trauma, do everything in your power to get her some professional help, not just for the sake of your marriage, but for the sake of her own mental peace.

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