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离婚后,如何重建爱的信任?

(2008-07-12 14:49:22)
标签:

婚姻

两性

情感

校园

分类: 芭芭拉博士婚姻情感问答(翻译)

译文:情海

Barbara De Angelis Ph.D.

HOW CAN I LEARN TO TRUST LOVE AGAIN? 我怎样才能重建对爱的信任
我正从一场非常失败的婚姻中恢复,在那场失败的婚姻中,我的丈夫为了我的钱利用我,欺骗我和对我撒谎。一开始我就从心里知道他对我不好,不过我仍然花费了八年的时间才鼓足勇气离开他。我的生活终于重回正规,可是对于再度约会我怕得要死,更不用说重新恋爱了。这样一场糟糕的婚姻之后,我怎样才能学会对爱情和男人再次寄予信任呢?

 

你需要学会再度寄予信任的,不是男人,是你自己。是谁选择了他,你自己;是谁让他虐待你,你自己。让我们不妨再从另一个角度来看,是你自己没有维护你的权益,是你自己没有听从你内心里那个小小的声音,你内心的那个小女孩在哭喊,‘不能让他这样对待我们!他在伤害我们!必须让他走开!’,可是你对她的哭喊无动于衷,因此这是为什么我说需要治疗的那个人是你自己的原因。

 

每一次你都把你的力量赋予了他,你让他不爱你,让他不尊重你,你自己让你失去了被爱和被尊重的权利。这正是发生在你身上的事情——你陷入了失去自尊的恶性循环里了:一开始你就允许你的丈夫虐待你,你没有为自己站起来维护自己,于是你不安、抑郁和瞧不起自己;当你小瞧自己的时候,你的自信心开始下降了;当你的自信心下降了,下次他再虐待你的时候,你站起来维护自己的勇气就更弱了,你就这样周而复始、往复循环着,直到八年的光阴浪费掉之后你才脱身而出。

 

你明白我说的要点了吗,不是爱情伤害了你,是你自己伤害了自己,你通过误以为你那失败的婚姻就是爱而伤害了你自己。我知道你把自己看成了受害者,可是我也不得不说:“交通事故必须有双方的参与,一个是开车的人,一个是躺在路上的你,你躺在那里说,‘OK,碾过去吧’”。 你把你的力量都给了这个男人,现在是时候拿回来了,你已经迈出了第一步--离开他--,现在是第二步了:承认你给了他力量让他来伤害你。

 

请你去看看[能力]这一部分,你需要进一步明白为什么你选择了这样一个伙伴,通过制定一个[婚姻出错清单]和[婚姻守则],让你从你的错误中学会学习。你越能清醒地意识到你在之前的婚姻中犯下的那些决策上的小错误,你越能认识到痛苦的事情不只发生在你身上,越因此能够避免…,可是前提是,你必须对自己作出承诺,承诺关心和照顾自己的大爱人生。


Q:I'm recovering from a very dysfunctional relationship in which my husband lied, cheated, and used me for my money. I knew inside that he wasn’t good for me from the beginning, but it took me eight years to get up the courage to leave. My life is finally back in order, but I'm scared to death to start dating, let alone fall in love. How can I learn to trust love and men again after what happened?


A:It’s not men whom you need to learn to trust again--it’s yourself. You’re the one who chose him; you’re the one who allowed him to mistreat you, and looked the other way; you’re the one who didn’t stand up for yourself; you’re the one who didn’t listen to that little voice, that little girl inside of you who was screaming ‘Don’t let him do this to us! He’s hurting us! Make him go away!’ And so that’s why the person who you need to heal with is you.

Each time you give your power away to a man by allowing him to treat you disrespectfully or unlovingly, you lose respect and love for yourself. This is what’s happened to you--you’ were in a negative self-esteem cycle. You allowed your husband to get way with mistreating you, you didn’t stick up for yourself, and this resulted in your feeling upset, depressed and bad about yourself. When you felt bad about yourself, your self-confidence decreased. And when your self-confidence was low, the next time he mistreated you, you had even less courage to stand up for yourself, and the cycle repeated itself over and over. 

Do you see my point? Love didn’t hurt you--you hurt you by mistaking the dysfunctional relationship you had for love. I know that you think of yourself as a victim, but I have a saying: “It takes two people to create an accident--one to drive the truck and the other to lie down in the road and say ’it’s OK to run me over.” You gave your power away to this man. It’s time to take it back. You’ve already taken the first step--leaving--, and the second step is acknowledging that you gave him the power to hurt you. 

See the CAPATABILITY section to learn more about why you chose this kind of partner, and how you can learn from your mistakes by making a Relationship Mistake List. and Relationship Rule Book. The more conscious you become of all the unhealthy mini-decisions you made during your marriage, the more you will realize that the painful events didn’t just happen to you, and are therefore preventable.., but only if you commit yourself to paying attention and taking charge of your love life!  

 

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