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当女人比男人赚得多

(2008-06-26 18:56:50)
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校园

分类: 翠茜博士婚姻情感问答(翻译)

Dear Dr. Tracy, 尊敬的翠茜博士

 

我和一个男人的关系虽然还没结束,却想抽身退出,为此我感到惶恐不安。我跟一个非常非常棒的男人约会刚满一年,当初我们俩很快堕入了情网,没过多久我们就认识到有一天我们两个人会步入婚姻的殿堂。他34,我26。

 

可问题是我比他赚得多,我已经走上了职业快车道,大家都说我还有更大的潜力能赚到更多的钱,我准备努力工作,拼命赚钱。可是他恰恰相反,尽管他不反对工作,可是他也不喜欢天天上班,他想独自驾舟远洋,想去攀岩,想去滑雪,想去拉丁美洲旅行。我们以前曾经打趣说,他应该在家里做家庭妇男,而我则出去赚钱。

 

他还有一笔巨额欠债,2000美金。大约五年半前,他跟以前的女友分手的时候,他的女友把信用卡上的负债全部推给了他,他们两个人是“人不吵死架不休”,他的女朋友说她养活了他,因此他有责任来承担她欠下的债务。尽管事实上他并不清楚她是怎样让她自己身陷债务囹圄的,他仍然接下了这笔债务,因为看起来这是结束一切、摆脱她的好办法。当然现在他也没任何可能还上这笔钱了,他可能要破产了。

 

我爱他,大家也都爱他,可是不止一个家人来跟我谈起对他的顾虑。起初,我对所有的批评都不屑一顾,我说“如果我爱他,我就会去爱他,我们会搞定一切”。

 

可是眼下,我要考虑结束这些事情了。我知道他是个最甜蜜、最和蔼、最温柔的人,我也能想象他将来会是个最棒的父亲,此外,他还是个充满魅力、文质彬彬并且非常爱我的人。可是,在其他方面,我们没有任何共同之处:他喜欢户外运动,喜欢冒险,自信而武断,而我则书卷气十足,雄心勃勃,有时却犹疑不定,并且有些保守。

 

我想请教你的问题是:希望一个人好,希望一个人幸福,但同时在更深的层次上却知道不会有什么结果,这是可能的吗?一方面我的一部分想抓住他,因为他是那么特别,可是另一方面我的其他部分又看到了我们将来的争吵不休和在金钱以及关爱上的矛盾和冲突。

 

也许,我自己已经回答了我的问题,我不知道,我只是想心平气和地写下这些东西。谢谢你宝贵的时间。

 

亲爱的“惶恐不安”

 

婚姻,很显然是庄重无比的一步,是应该为未来慎重考虑的一件人生大事。可是,抱着“看看一个男人跟你相比谁赚得更多”的观点去结婚的现象,只是最近才出现的,以前是没有的。在人们为了爱而结合的那些岁月里,一切是那么简单。即便在女人为钱而嫁的年代里,也没有这种“女人可能比男人钱赚得多”的复杂性。今天则大不同了,越来越多的女人可能比男人赚得多得多,于是事情变得比以往复杂了。

 

事实是,一个能赚很多钱的男人当然是不错的经济支柱,可是也并不见得就是个理想的丈夫。你说你赚了大把的钱,并且将来还会赚得更多,因此为什么你要担心他赚多少呢。你要找的是伙伴,还是饭票呢?看起来你赚钱的潜能并没令他感觉不舒服呀。

 

坦白地说,你拒绝他的所有理由在我看来都不算什么。一个和蔼的、可爱的、温柔的、甜蜜的和挚爱你的男人,无论你的朋友和家人怎么想,都是不应该轻易放弃的。毕竟,不是他们要跟他一起生活,跟他一起生活的那个人是你。一个会赚很多钱、致力于工作的男人,不见得对你也会一样倾心,相信我,我敢向你保证这一点。

 

同理,他喜欢冒险、喜欢室外活动和充满自信都不会造成什么伤害,你不需要嫁给一个克隆的自己。你需要的人是一个能够欣赏你的人,一个能够为你们的关系带来不同东西的人。也许现在这个他就能让你从另一个不同的角度来看这个世界,来欣赏这个世界。当然,你也有鼓励他来承担更多的财务责任的可能。

 

毕竟,世界上总有一些很不错的男人,我们无法嫁给他们或跟他们一起生活。因此,如果你确实在意比他赚得多,确实在意比他有更好的信用评级,那么离开他,让他去寻找能够欣赏他的特质的那些人。

 

不过,如果最终你将因为放弃了他而感到后悔,那时也没什么好惊讶的。

I am about to leave a relationship that isn't broken, and I'm petrified. I have been dating a wonderful, wonderful man for just over a year. We fell in love very quickly and very soon it was understood that we would marry someday. He's 34 and I'm 26.

 

The problem is that I have it much more together than he does. I am on the career track, and I am universally acknowledged to have lots of "earning potential"-- I am going to work hard and earn money. He is the antithesis of this; he's not against work, per se, but he's not corporate. He wants to ocean kayak and rock climb and ski and lead tours to Latin America. We joked early on that he would be the house-husband and I would earn all the money.

He also has a very significant amount of debt-- twenty thousand dollars. When his previous relationship of 5.5 years broke up (VERY acrimoniously), his girlfriend shoveled her credit card debt onto him, arguing that she had supported him and he deserved to assume debt she had undertaken. Despite the fact that he had no idea she was getting herself into debt, he accepted the debt load, because it seemed the honorable way to end things and to get her out of his hair. Now, of course, he has no chance of paying it back and might go bankrupt.

 

I love him. Everyone loves him, but more than one of my family members has come to me to express doubts about him. At first I shrugged off all the criticisms, saying, "If I love him, and I do, we will make things work."

 

Now I am considering breaking things off. He is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest person; he would be the most wonderful father I can think of; he is attractive, decent, and devoted to me. In other areas, we have nothing in common: he is outdoorsy, adventuresome, confident and arbitrary, while I am bookish, ambitious, tentative, and reserved.

My question to you is: Is it possible to wish someone well, to want him to be happy, and yet to know on a deep level that it just isn't going to work? Part of me wants to hold on to him, just because he is so special. The other part sees fights in the future, conflicts over money and attention.

 

Perhaps I have answered my own question. I don't know. It is cathartic simply to write about this. Thank you for your time.

 

 

Dear Petrified,

Marriage is obviously a serious step and one that should be made with much thought and concern for the future. However, marrying with a view toward how much money a man makes compared to how much you can make is a fairly recent phenomenon, and perhaps one reason for rising divorce rates. Things were simpler when people married for love. Or if a woman married for money, there wasn't the complication of her possibly out-earning her husband.

 

The fact is, a man who earns a lot of money will of course be a good provider, but not necessarily the best husband. You say you make good money and can make lots more in the future. So why do you worry about what he makes? Are you looking for a mate or a meal ticket? It doesn't sound like he's intimidated by your earning potential.

 

Frankly, none of your objections to him would matter to me. A man who is kind, loving and gentle, sweet and devoted to you, should not be thrown away lightly, no matter what your friends and family think. After all, they're not the ones who will have to live with him, you are. A man who makes a lot of money and is devoted to his work won't be devoted to you in the same way, I promise you.

 

Also, the fact that he is adventurous, outdoorsy and confident can't hurt. You don't need a clone of yourself to marry. You need someone who will appreciate what you are, but who can bring something different to the relationship. Maybe he'd even get you to look around and enjoy the world in a different way. And perhaps you could encourage him to be more financially responsible.

 

However, it is true that some men are wonderful and yet we can't live with them or marry them. If you are really going to resent the fact that you make more or have a better credit rating than he has, then give him a break and let him find someone who will appreciate his special qualities.

 

Don't be surprised, though, if you wind up regretting letting this one get away.

Good luck, 祝你好运

Dr. Tracy

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