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男友的包袱Boyfriend's Baggage

(2008-05-13 11:14:07)
标签:

情感

分类: 翠茜博士婚姻情感问答(翻译)

Dear Dr. Tracy, 尊敬的翠茜博士

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half.

我跟我的男朋友相处,已经一年半了。

He 26 years old and I am 21. He finished his master degree last year and I am currently finishing my B.A. and we met at our university. We have a very solid relationship and approach the problems that arise between us in what we'd hope would be a healthy fashion, however, my problems with him do not arise from our relationship, but instead, the relationship I have with his familial environment. When I finish school we are planning to get married and pursue our careers together, but have not been formally engaged. We live together and in the same city as his parents.

我21,他26。去年他读完了硕士学位,现在我本科在读,我们是在大学里认识的。我们的关系非常好,不过我们之间却出现了一个问题,这个问题与我们本身没有关系,而是与他的家庭有关,我们俩都希望这个问题不至于对我们的关系造成影响。我们准备我毕业后就结婚,并一起开创事业,不过迄今为止我们还没正式订婚,我们已经同居了,跟他父母住在同一座城市。

Here's the twist: When my boyfriend was 17 he had a child with his girlfriend who was only 16 at the time. They were never married, never lived together, and broke up over 5 years ago when their daughter was just a toddler. They have remained in close contact due to their shared parental responsibilities, however when we started dating, his daughter's mother became horribly jealous and manipulative.

我们的窘境在于:我的男朋友17岁时跟他女朋友有了一个孩子,那年她16岁,他们没有举办过婚礼,也从未生活在一起,大概5年前在他们的女儿蹒跚学步时他们分手了。不过由于他们要共担做父母的责任,所以一直保持联系,可是当我们开始约会时,他女儿的妈妈却变得非常嫉妒而蛮横。

Although this was expected and we've tried to maintain our distance from her, his parents continue to visit her (she is now 25) several times a week. I understand that they would like to support her and see their granddaughter more often, but I feel like it is hindering my ability to get to know his family better. (Although I can imagine that it would be difficult to be a single parent and she needs all the support she can get, she still lives with her mother and they have a full-time nanny who cares for her daughter and does all the housework.)

尽管这是可以预料的,我们也尽可能跟她保持距离,可他的父母仍然每周探望她数次(今年她25了)。他们希望支持她,也希望多见见他们的孙女,对此我能理解,可是我又觉得这会阻碍我融入他们的家庭。(尽管我能想到作为单身母亲的不易,也理解她需要得到能够得到的一切支持,可是我却不能想象她仍然跟她母亲住在一起,而她们还雇了一个佣人照看她的女儿和整理一切家务。)

Whenever we spend time with his family, they are either talking about his daughter's mother or she is calling them on the phone asking them for something, whether it be clothing, babysitting or personal support. When I began to date my boyfriend she also did this to him, but it has since stopped after they stopped speaking for three months. The thing that sort of confuses me is that they are always saying that she's lazy, not a good mother, and irresponsible. My boyfriend claims that they spend so much time with her to keep tabs on her parenting, however I see it as letting her take advantage of their kindness.

无论何时只要我们跟他的父母在一起,不是他的父母谈论女孩的妈妈,就是女孩的妈妈打电话给他们,或者找他们要衣服,或者要他们带孩子,或者寻求其它个人方面的帮助。我刚开始跟我的男友约会时,她也是这样,不过现在他们已经有三个月没讲话了。让我有些困惑的是,他们总是说她很懒,不是个好妈妈,也不负责任。我的男友说,他们之所以花很多时间跟她在一起就是为了确信她能做个好妈妈,可是我却认为他们的好心被她利用了。

His parents simply want the best for his daughter, but I feel that his ex-girlfriend's dependency on his family is inappropriate. Because of her jealousy and other diagnosed mental-health problems, his parents are very careful to not mention my presence to her, and expect my boyfriend and I to make sacrifices, but I feel that they are completely oblivious to how I might feel about certain topics or situations. Keep in mind I've never even met his ex-girlfriend although I have a close relationship with his daughter. Although we've offered so that she could know the person who is now spending time with her daughter, she has always refused and said she is not ready.

他的父母只是想让他的女儿好,可是我却觉得他的前女友对他家的依赖是不恰当的。因为她是个嫉妒的人,还有其他业已诊断出的精神方面的问题,所以他的父母非常小心,不向她提起我的存在,也希望我和我的男朋友能为此作出牺牲。不过,我却觉得他们完全对我在某些方面的感受视而不见。需要说明的是,虽然我跟她的女儿很熟,我却从来没见过他的这位前女友;虽然我们也建议见个面,以便她能知道谁跟她的女儿现在在一起,可是她总是拒绝,总是说她还没准备就绪。

My boyfriend's parents claim that they support their son's decision not to stay with his daughter's mother, however I feel that it has been really hard "to enter" this familial environment. I often have felt that I won't be "accepted" into their family into I have my own children, however since both my boyfriend and I want to continue to more advanced degrees, I don't see this as a possibility anytime soon. They are aware of our plans for marriage in the future, and support us, however, I feel that their actions are not consistent with their words.

虽然我男友的父母声称他们支持儿子不跟女孩的妈妈在一起生活,不过我仍然觉得要融入他们的家庭真的很难,我经常觉得自己不被他们的家庭接纳,哪怕我自己有了孩子后恐怕这一点也不会改观。既然我的男友和我打算进一步发展我们的关系,我认为就不该出现这样的事。他的父母都知道我们要准备结婚,也予以支持,不过我仍然觉得他们言行不一。

Part of me realizes that a lot of this situation is due to habits that his family has formed over time, which are sometimes hard to break. It's a terribly sensitive situation, and I'm not really sure what I have the right to bring up to them, and what I should keep my mouth shut about. I would like to explain to them how the current environment makes me uncomfortable, but don't want to make it sound like I'm trying to erase his ex-girlfriend's presence in their lives. Obviously, as the mother of his wonderful little daughter she is an important person, but I feel that this "close relationship" is not only inhibiting her ability to move-on from their relationship, but also making it hard for me to find a "fit" in their family. Most importantly, I feel that the status quo as it is now is not acceptable for me in the future. I simply refuse to live my life always centered around my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.

我的一部分告诉自己这种情况基本上是他们家长期以来养成的习惯,因此一时很难打破。对于这么敏感的问题,我真的不知道有没有权力向他们提出,还是应该闭紧我的嘴巴。也许我应该向他们解释目前这种局面让我很不舒服,可是我也不想听起来似乎我要让他的前女友从他们的生活里消失。很显然,作为他可爱女儿的妈妈,她是个不可或缺的人,不过我觉得他们目前这种密切关系既不利于她走出以前的关系开始新的自己,也增加了我融入他们家庭的难度。更重要的是,我觉得目前这种局面是我将来所无法接受的,我只是拒绝自己将来的生活总是围绕着他以前的女友来转。

The truth is that in my relationships my boyfriends' families have always adored me, so it's been difficult to feel like they hardly even notice me, at all.

事实是,在我们的关系里,我男朋友的家人一直觉得我很不错,因此很难说他们完全忽略了我的存在。

Thanks for you time, and help, and I wish your husband strength in this time. 谢谢你耐心地听我诉说,也谢谢你的帮助,希望你的丈夫早日康复。

 

Dear Confused,亲爱的“困惑的人”

Unfortunately, no matter how much your boyfriend's ex bothers you, and no matter how much his parents say she's a bad mother, your situation is probably not going to improve unless you handle it with diplomacy, not hurt feelings.

很不幸,不管你男友以前的情人多么烦人,也不管他的父母说她是怎样一个坏妈妈,你的情况都不可能发生好转,除非你能非常艺术地解决这个问题,不伤感情地解决这个问题。

You're involved in a relationship with a man who comes with a nine-year-old daughter and an ex-girlfriend who has had many years to entangle herself in his family. Compared to the time you and your boyfriend have been together, she has seniority, and she's not going to give it up.

你不要忘记,你是跟一个有9岁女儿的男人建立了关系,而多年以来她的前女友就一直跟他们一家掺和在一起;与你和你的男友相处的时间相比,她无疑比你先来先到,她肯定不会放弃的。

You really can't expect the situation to change a lot, because this child will be in your life for many, many years to come - maybe for the rest of your life. And so will her mother. Your boyfriend will continue to have a relationship with his daughter and so will his parents, and the mother comes with.

实际上你不能期待这种局面发生很大的改观,因为这个孩子在未来很长的岁月里将一直出现在你的生活中,甚至可能是你余下的人生,而她的妈妈也没啥两样。你的男友会一直跟他的女儿拥有关系,他的父母也一样,这种情况也适用于孩子的妈妈。

If this were just an ex-girlfriend or even an ex-wife, you might be able to cut her out of your life, but in this situation, you have no real way to infiltrate into his family the way she has until you have children of your own, but even then, the ex-girlfriend will still be there.

如果她只是前女友或只是前妻,也许你能从生活中将之割除,可是在目前这种情况下,直到你有了自己的孩子为止,你也不会有什么切实可行的办法像她一样打入他的家庭,(2008/5/12下午14:30左右,行文至此,因汶川大地震跑离办公楼而中断翻译)。即便你有了自己的孩子以后,这位前女友也仍将存在。

You certainly have no right to tell his parents not to see the ex-girlfriend or how they should feel about her or deal with her. You talk as if your future marriage to this man is a foregone conclusion, but remember, in his parents' eyes, you're just a current girlfriend and may be gone in a year, while the other woman is the mother of their grandchild.

你当然没有权力告诉他的父母别去看这位前女友,也没权力告诉他的父母他们该对她有啥想法,以及该怎样对待她。你关于跟这个男人将来婚姻的谈话,好象已经是既定的结论一样,对此我不能同意。可是你要记住,在他父母的眼中,你只不过是他眼下的女朋友而已,说不定一年后你就拜拜了,而她却永远是他们孙女的妈妈。

So what can you do? 因此,你能做什么呢?

You say the current situation is not acceptable for you in the future. Only you can change it and there's only one solution. You'll have to embrace the ex, take her into your life, and try to be friends. Even if you don't want to, it's the only solution. It will make you seem a bigger and more compassionate person. You could even ask his parents for help in befriending her, which will help you avoid looking jealous or negative to them.

你跟我说,目前这种局面是你将来所不能接受的,那么我要告诉你,任何人都不可能替你解决这个问题,这个问题只有你自己能解决,而方案只有唯一的一个——你必须拥抱这位前女友,在你的生活里接纳她,并试着跟她做朋友。哪怕你不想,你也不能不采用这个方案,因为这是唯一的办法。你如果这样做了,你将成为一个高大的人,一个富有同情心的人。在跟她成为朋友上,你甚至可以请他的父母从旁协助,这样以来能让你在他们眼里看起来不那么负面,不那么嫉妒。

Since you're not going to get rid of her, you might as well accept the situation and make the best of it.

既然你没有可能摆脱她,那么你最好承认现实接受她,从而尽可能化不利为有利。

You're first in the eyes of your man, and while you should try to make friends with his parents too, you don't have to be first with them. Keep in mind that many women survive with in-laws who are less than crazy about them.

记住,在你的男人眼里,你是第一位的;在他的父母眼里,尽管你也得跟他们成为朋友,不过你并不一定要是第一位的。记住,很多女人之所以能够跟她们的公婆和睦共处,原因就在于她们对公婆并不会太较真。

Good luck, 祝你好运

Dr. Tracy

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