http://s3/bmiddle/003BIi6tgy72ev6vp0672&690                                                                             （画了一半的画的一小部分）

Belong

They fought. They were a tiger and a bull fighting in an arena; neither knew that the real enemies were the watchers.

I am their Watcher. I am everybody's Watcher.

No. I should not say everybody. I do not watch the actual human, but instead souls. Somehow, these two souls slipped past my view and made their way into one body. That is why all the single-souled humans call the girl possessed. The two souls within her tear and shove her this way and that. Possessed is quite the right word.

I did not watch these souls carefully. In other words, I am their villain. I have inflicted their pain and hate towards each other.

 

Gretel Woods was the girl.

She didn't cry for a whole day after she was born, and the doctors were so worried about her silence that they insisted on keeping her in an incubator until she cried.

On the second day a wail swirled out of her with such force and for such length that no one dared set a finger on her.

On the third day her parents took her home. She opened her eyes and slept with them open. As she slept, her eyes changed from green to a regretful gray. I saw for the first time the souls fighting inside her.

 

I count thirteen years since the day Gretel Woods was born. Every day since that day, I have watched her. She has absolutely no control over herself. Sometimes she seems about to explode. Other times she looks ready to dissolve. When she is sleeping, I focus on her open eyes. I go past the dusty gray, past the nerves and cells, and into her, but not into her mind, because that is controlled by the souls. I dwell in her livingness, the mere fact that she is alive. Being alive does not determine good or evil, love or hate. It just is.

So I dwell in her livingness, and I watch.

 

The souls do not look like the softly glowing hurricanes that they are before they enter bodies. They are invisible now, and they have menacing voices that sound like wind.

"This is my body. I came here first."

"But I have tried to save her. You want to destroy her."

I sense Gretel's mind straining, as if something were torturing her in a dream.

"Not her, but you. I must destroy you. Do you not feel guilt for taking my home?"

"This is what you always say. If this is your home, then take it away from me. If you can." The voice is scarred with contempt.

These souls... they seemed to have emotions.

" Tonight. You'll leave fleeing."

 

Gretel's heartbeat struggles. I back out of her livingness and see her squirming in bed, kicking and punching as an unstoppable war is fought inside her. She is awake now, sweating and gasping, instinctively trying to push the experience into the nightmare zone, but she has no control over herself. Her mouth forms a misshapen circle as she screams without a sound, clawing the sheets and even herself.

Then something from her inhabits me, something I have never felt before, something misty but strong. Sympathy? I watch her gray eyes that were looking nowhere. I focus  more, closer, closer, and I am inside her livingness again.

"Stop."

Suddenly I am no longer just the Watcher.

 

And the souls know. They fly into a frenzy, forcing the girl onto her shaking legs, driving her to push and rattle the door and windows of the room, locked to prevent her from "sleepwalking." They slam her fists onto the cement walls and her head onto the wooden frame of the bed, each trying to rid Gretel of the other. Hate whips inside her. On the outside, tears thunder down. These souls are fighting each other, but they are also fighting me.

I feel the sympathy grabbing me again. It turns my attention to a small sound behind the hurricanes, Gretel's heartbeats.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

 

I hold down her livingness. I could not let it move, breathe, nor beat, and I swear, it hurts me as much as it hurts her. Finally, her heart flutters and chugs slower and slower. The souls move slowly too. Without a life, they cannot stay inside a body. One is afraid, and it leaves.

I let go of the livingness.

It flutters. It beats and breathes.

I turn to the soul still waiting for the life to return, with hope, and something even stronger than my sympathy.

This one belongs.

归属

他们厮打着。他们是斗兽场里厮打着的老虎和公牛，并不知道真正的敌人是观众。

我是他们的观众。我是每个人的观众。

不。我不该说“每个人”。我并不监控人本身，而是监控灵魂。不知怎么回事，这两个灵魂从我眼皮底下溜走，进入到一个身体里去了。这是为什么那些拥有单一灵魂的人都说这个女孩子被附身了。她身体里的两个灵魂撕扯她，推撞她。“魔鬼附身”倒是很正确的形容。

我对这两个灵魂的监控失职。我是恶人。是我挑起了他们之间的痛苦和仇恨。

 

这个女孩是格莱特• 伍兹。

她出生后的一整天都没哭一声。医生们对她的沉默十分担心，把她放在育婴箱里，直到她哭出来。

第二天，一声哀号从她体内涡漩而出，那么有力，那么长久，以至于没人敢碰她一根手指头。

第三天，她的父母把她带回了家。她张开眼睛，哪怕是睡觉的时候也睁着。当她睡着的时候，她的眼睛从绿色转为懊丧的灰色。我第一次看到了那两个灵魂在她体内争斗。

 

扳指一算，从格莱特• 伍兹出生至今，已经十三年了。从她出生那天起，我就关注着她。她对自己毫无控制。有时她好像马上就要爆炸了。有时她又像马上就会溶解了似的。当她入睡的时候，我聚焦到她的眼睛。我穿过那蒙尘的灰色，穿过神经和细胞，进入她的身体，但是却无法进入她的心灵，因为那是由她的灵魂所控制的。我栖居在她的生命里，如果说她还算活着的话。活着并不意味着善或恶，爱或恨。活着就是活着。

所以我栖居在她的生命里，关注着。

 

那些灵魂已经不像它们进入身体之前那种发着柔和光芒的旋风。它们现在是隐形的。它们拥有像风一样来势汹汹的声音。

“这是我的身体。我先到的。”

“但是我当初是想救她，而你是想摧毁她的。”

“我不想摧毁她。我要摧毁你。你占了我的家就一点儿也没有负罪感吗？”

“你总是这么说。如果这是你的家，那你把它从我这里抢走吧。如果你可以的话。”那声音满是仇恨的伤痕。

这些灵魂啊.... 它们好像有感情一样。

“今晚。你就会落荒而逃的。”

 

格莱特的心跳挣扎着。我从她的生命里退了出来，看到她在床上扭动，又踢又打，好像她的体内正在进行一场战争。她醒了过来，浑身大汗喘着粗气，本能地想把刚才的经历推回噩梦之中，但是她控制不了自己。她的嘴张成一个怪异的圆，无声地叫喊，抓挠着床单甚至自己。

这时，她身体里的某种东西，某种我从未感受过的，既迷蒙又强烈的东西栖居到了我的体内。悲悯？我看着她那迷失焦距的灰色双眼。我更加专注，靠近一点，再近一点，然后我再次进入她的生命。

“停下来。”

突然，我不再仅仅是旁观者了。

 

灵魂发觉了。它们疯狂飞窜，迫使那女孩子双腿颤抖着站了起来，驱动她又推又捶那些为了防止她梦游而紧紧锁住的门窗。它们俩在除掉彼此的争斗中，把她的双拳拍向水泥墙，把她的头摔向木头床架。仇恨在她体内抽打她。而体外，只看她到泪如雨下。这两个灵魂不仅彼此打斗，也抗击着我。

我又一次感到被悲悯紧紧抓住。它让我注意到这场风暴之后的一个微弱的声音，那是格莱特的心跳。

“对不起。”我耳语道。

 

我紧紧地拥着她的生命。我不能让它移动，呼吸或者击打。我发誓，我和她有着一样的伤痛。终于，她的心脏扑通得越来越慢。灵魂也缓慢下来。没有了生命，它们无法留在一个身体里。一个灵魂害怕了，它走了。

我无奈地放生命离去。

它扑闪着。它跳动呼吸着。

我转向那个仍然等着生命回转的灵魂，它满怀希望，满怀比我的悲悯更为强烈的东西。

这个灵魂属于她。

                                          （妈妈中文翻译）