All right, I want to see a show of hands: howmany of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said somethingoffensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?

And how many of you know at least oneperson that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?

You know, it used to be that in orderto have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of HenryHiggins in "My Fair Lady": Stick to the weather and your health. Butthese days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --are not safeeither. So this world that we live in, this world in which everyconversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where ourpoliticians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial ofissues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it'snot normal. Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, andthey found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are moredivided, than we ever have been in history. We're less likely tocompromise,which means we're not listening to each other. And we makedecisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends aregoing to be, based on what we already believe. Again, that meanswe're not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balancebetween talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost thatbalance.

Now, part of that is due to technology. Thesmartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough thatyou could grab them really quickly. According to Pew Research, abouta third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And manyof them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends thanthey are to talk to them face to face. There's this great piece in TheAtlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. Andhe gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how tospeak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: "Icame to realize..."

"I came to realize that conversationalcompetence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kidsspend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, butrarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonalcommunications skills. It might sound like a funny question, but we haveto ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important thanbeing able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

Now, I make my living talking to people: NobelPrize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, headsof state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that Idon't like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on apersonal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. SoI'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk andhow to listen.

Many of you have already heard a lot ofadvice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think ofinteresting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show thatyou're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it. SoI want you to forget all of that. It is crap.

There is no reason to learn how to showyou're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

Now, I actually use the exact same skillsas a professional interviewer that I do in regular life. So, I'mgoing to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going tohelp you learn how to be better conversationalists. Learn to have aconversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and,please God, without offending anybody.

We've all had really great conversations. We'vehad them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation whereyou walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you'vemade a real connection or you've been perfectly understood. There isno reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.

So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walkyou through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them andmaster it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.

Number one: Don't multitask. And Idon't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keysor whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don'tthink about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about whatyou're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of theconversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in itand half out of it.

Number two: Don't pontificate. If youwant to state your opinion without any opportunity for response orargument or pushback or growth, write a blog.

Now, there's a really good reason why Idon't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. Ifthey're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. Ifthey're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations andDick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that. Youneed to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. Thefamed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a settingaside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personalopinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker willbecome less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up theinner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. Again, assume thatyou have something to learn.

Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meetknows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody isan expert in something.

Number three: Use open-ended questions. Inthis case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who,what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question,you're going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you, "Were youterrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in thatsentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, Iwas" or "No, I wasn't." "Were you angry?""Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the onesthat know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "Howdid that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment andthink about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

Number four: Go with the flow. Thatmeans thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out ofyour mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talkingfor several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question whichseems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. Thatmeans the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because hethought of this really clever question, and he was just bound anddetermined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sittingthere having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that timethat we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

And we stop listening. Stories andideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.

Number five: If you don't know, say thatyou don't know. Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much moreaware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful aboutwhat they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Dothat. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

Number six: Don't equate your experiencewith theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don'tstart talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talkingabout the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how muchyou hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. Allexperiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. Youdon't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how muchyou've suffered. Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, andhe said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs arelosers."

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

Number seven: Try not to repeatyourself. It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend todo it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with ourkids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over andover. Don't do that.

Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly,people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all thosedetails that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. Theydon't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, whatyou have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.

Number nine: This is not the last one,but it is the most important one. Listen. I cannot tell you how manyreally important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, thenumber one most important skillthat you could develop. Buddha said, andI'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're notlearning."And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way outof a job."

Why do we not listen to each other? Numberone, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't haveto hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. Ican bolster my own identity. But there's another reason: We getdistracted. The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, butwe can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So our minds are filling inthose other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy toactually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not ina conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely relatedsentences in the same place.

You have to listen to one another. StephenCovey said it very beautifully. He said, "Most of us don't listenwith the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

One more rule, number 10, and it's thisone: Be brief.

All of this boils down to the same basicconcept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.

You know, I grew up with a very famousgrandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People wouldcome over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, mymother would come over to us, and she'd say, "Do you know who thatwas? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor ofSacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer." AndI kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing aboutthem. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keepmy mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, andI'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.

You do the same thing. Go out, talk topeople, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to beamazed.

Thanks.