来自新浪微博@陈耿炎 的消息：国际物理学顶级权威的期刊（Nature Phyiscs）上发表了这篇奇文，描述一个实验物理学家无法自拔地暗恋一名小提琴妹子的悲催故事，可见物理学界的闷骚宅男遍地都是，这篇YY奇文才能深深触动期刊编辑和审稿人冰冷的心、苛刻的眼光，一路过关斩将、最终发表。

    此文已经由@朗道集结号（微信号：ldjjhwx）的粉丝姜伟涛（QQ号：245460901，微信号：professor-physics）翻译成中文，现将原文及中译文发来。

   译者记：

   正值情人节，顶级物理期刊发表的这篇半科普半恶搞的文章，着实让情人节的Bachelor们小小地兴奋了一下。物理界是一个天才聚集的地方，他们的智商往往都超出了他们的身高。但这里也是闷骚男扎堆儿的地方，感情丰富，却拙于表达。他们能在手指间计算出核反应的临界质量、分析出遥远天体上土壤的成分。却对于手捧玫瑰花，站在心爱的姑娘面前，勇敢袒露自己心声这种事表现得像一个稚气十足的孩子(当然这不是指所有人)。

   学霸的世界常人是不懂的，天才的世界常人是无法理解的，他们表达心意的方式我们也是学不来的。我在翻译文章开头时误以为是一个物理学家对爱无言的悲鸣，直到翻译到最后才恍然大悟，被这货骗了。因为：我无法想象没有你的世界是怎样的。

   我因为走在世界的科学之巅而感到骄傲，也因为身边有你的陪伴而感到幸福。

   撰以此文，祝所有物理工作者们2014.2.14情人节快乐，祝你们幸福。

姜伟涛

2014-2-14

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Howto lose the one you love

如何去忘掉你爱的她

Out of sight, out of mind.

人生若只如初见

First off, the obligatory warning. Don't try this athome, kids! In the hands of inexperienced laymen, the method I am about to describewill inevitably be a disaster. Like, fatal-type disaster. Consider yourself forewarned.
   首先，必须声明，孩子，千万别在家里搞这个。我即将要讲述的方式，让毫无经验的外行人做的话，必将导致灾难，甚至送了命。

That said, I have to admit that Jillian was truly oneto die for. I'd never seen a woman whose visage struck me so deeply — smack-dabin my gut, and various regions nearby. Whenever I saw her in the flesh, the MormonTabernacle Choir would insinuate itself into my brain, and I would reel in responseto the ecstasy of her divine musical theme.
   话说，我得承认，Jillian是我心目中的女神，我甚至可以为她去死。从来没有哪个女孩的美能深深吸引我，令我驻足—她降临到我的身边，点亮了我的世界。每当我看到她，就会感到摩门教天幕合唱团[1]的歌声在我的脑海响起，而我无可救药地沉静在她那神圣的歌声中。

Many wise men throughout the ages have written aboutthis sensation. Suffice it for me to say that, if she were a predator and I wereher prey, I'd gladly give up my bodily organs for her to feast upon.
   很多睿智的男人们都曾有过那种经历，有过那种感觉。说的简单点，如果她是捕食者而我是她的猎物的话，我会心甘情愿地献出我的全部供她享用

Unfortunately, that was never to be. Jillian didn'teven know I existed. Complete bummer.
   很不幸，那种事永远不会发生，因为Jillian根本不会注意到我的存在。我真是彻彻底底的失败

And why shouldn't that be the case? I was an experimentalphysicist and she a talented concert violinist. We had nothing at all in commonbetween us, aside from the fact that we both lived in the same apartment building.Furthermore, judging from my surreptitious surveillance of her, she already hadan intimate relationship with her orchestra's bassoon player. Even more of a completebummer. In the time it would take me to become a competent enough bassoonist tochallenge his role, all the protons in the Universe would have disintegrated.
   你要问为什么会这样？实际上我是一名实验物理学家而她是一位聪慧的乐团小提琴手。我们之间毫无交集可言，可我们偏偏又住在同一个单元内。而且，据我对她缜密的踩点摸排，她已经有了交往的对象，是她们弦乐团的巴松管手。更糟的是，等我能成为一个足够优秀的巴松管手去挑战他的地位时，全宇宙的质子都已经衰变了……T_T

It was a no-win situation.
   这注定是个败局

Which is why I began to contemplate suicide.
    这就是为什么我打算要自杀

Trouble was, I didn't want to die. All I wanted todo was to forget about Jillian, completely and irrevocably. Then I could move onwith my life. It was a real dilemma. Just as it is, I'm sure, for a million othersocio-phobic nerds like me.
    糟糕的是，我还不想死。我仅仅能做的就是彻底地忘掉她，不再留恋。只有这样我才能重新回到我的生活中去。不得不说，这样做真的很难，特别是对那几百万号像我这样恐惧融入社会的书呆子们。

So here is where it gets a little complicated. Staywith me; don't sweat the physics stuff. It's not that hard to follow.
   那么，我接下来要讲的会复杂一些，跟着我的思路走，别被那些物理设备吓到，你会发现这其实并不难

Quantum mechanics boils down to one simple principle:sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes you get rained out. You can'tbe sure of the result until you read about it in the sports section of the newspaper.
   量子力学理论总结出了一个简单的原理：你有时会赢，有时会输，有时会因为下雨而休场。在你读到报纸上体育版块的比赛结果之前，其输赢都是未知的。（注：薛定谔猫[2]）

But that's just one interpretation — and there's everyreason to believe it's the wrong one. We both win and lose. We go on to glory inone version of the Universe, and go down to ignominious defeat in another. (And,not to neglect the other possibility, we get soaking wet in a third.) The fieldof play is called the multiverse.
   但它终归是一种说法—而且有很多理由让你相信那根本不成立：我们同时在赢/输。我们会在一个宇宙里把比赛赢得意气风发，也会在另一个宇宙里被别人打败而变得失落沮丧。(而且，为了将所有情况考虑进去，我们也会在第三种假设中浑身淋得湿透)。这种说法成立的学说，叫做多宇宙论。

But you already knew that, right? Lately, it's allover TV, movies and the Internet. Few, however, realize that the concept is morethan 50 years old. Sometimes it takes that long to agglomerate something into thepopular zeitgeist.
   但是这些你早就知道了对么？最起码你在电视上、影视剧、还有互联网上都有所耳闻。但是你要意识到，那些都是50多年前的概念了。有时候这些概念上都同时包含了那个时代所特有的烙印。

It may be difficult to understand how we can exploitthis fact to our personal benefit — but that's what this exposition is all about.
   虽然这些很难让你明白这些东西如何能为己所用，但是这些都是这个理论所涉及到的。

Like I said, don't sweat the small stuff. Bottom line,here's what you need to kludge together to solve the age-old problem of unrequitedlove:
   就像我之前所说的，不要太纠结于细节。需要强调的是，以下内容是你需要归纳整理的，它们能用来解答“单相思”这种古老的命题。

1) One big-assed electrical generator, capable of deliveringinstantaneous jolts of 20 or more amps on demand.

一台大型发电机，要求瞬时导电能力在20安培(包括20安培)以上。

2) Two very large copper cables connected to the positiveand negative poles of said generator, terminating in handgrips that you will graspwhile standing barefoot in a tub of salt water.

准备两捆大尺寸铜质电缆，分别连接到上述发电机的正负极上，通过手柄控制通断，这样在你光着脚踩在充满盐水的浴盆里时有东西可抓。

3) A quantum trigger. An old radium-dial watch willdo nicely.

一个量子触发器，用老式的镭光表盘的效果更佳

4) A photomultiplier tube, to detect the random photonsthat emanate from the radium source.

一个光电倍增管，用来检测镭射源发出的随机光子

5) A video camera, focused on the page of the telephonedirectory that lists the name of your love interest.

一台摄像机，对准那页有你暗恋的人号码的电话录

6) A PC programmed to fire off the generator's outputwhen instructed by the quantum trigger, but also to cease firing when the videocamera detects the disappearance of said name in the directory.
   一台预先编好程的电脑，它会在量子触发器的控制下启动发电机，但如果摄像头探测到这个名字从电话簿里消失了，就关掉发电机。

Simple, right? Remember, you both win and lose. Theradium watch dial can either produce a photon within the computer's scanning cycle,or not. Both possibilities are real. The 'you' that survives this process will bethe winner, set free, free, free. No more Jillian. No more love dilemma.
   Soeasy！对吧？记住，你既赢又输。镭光表盘要么会在计算机扫描范围内制造一个光子，要么不会。两种可能性都是存在的。那个活下来的“你”就会成为赢家，得到自由，自由，自由。得到一个没有Jillian，没有对她纠结的爱的世界。

True, millions — possibly billions, trillions, quadrillions— of yourselves will die to get there. But they're just bodies under the bridge.
   没错，会有数百万—可能几十亿，几万亿，几万万亿的你会在这个过程中死去。但是，不入虎穴焉得虎子。

Yet, it's not all so simple. The astute reader willquestion why and how I can refer to Jillian at all in my tale, when she has neverexisted in my current Universe.
   然而，事实也并非如此简单。机敏的读者会问：当Jillian未曾在你的世界里出现过的时候，你为什么能、怎样能察觉到J的存在？

The answer? I never pulled that quantum trigger. Callme a hopeless romantic, but I just couldn't envisage living in a Universe whereI didn't love Jillian.

   想知道答案？—我根本就没有启动过那个量子触发器。不在乎别人说我是无可救药的情痴，我真的无法想象怎样在一个不爱J的宇宙里活下去……

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   CARY CUBA’Sspeculative fiction has appeared in more than 50 magazines and anthologies，includingJim Baen’s Universe,Flash Fiction Online,Daily SF and GrantvilleGazette:Universe Annex.He lives in South  Carolina with his wife and an inordinate number offreeloading critters.See thefoggiestnotion.com

作者信息：加里·古巴所著的推理小说在多种杂志和选集中出现过，譬如Jim Baen's Universe、Flash Fiction Online, Daily SF 和GrantvilleGazette: Universe Annex，他和妻子，以及不计其数的家养动物，一起住在南卡罗莱纳州。详见thefoggiestnotion.com

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译者注：

[1]Mormon Tabernacle Choir

摩门教天幕合唱团的由360个成员组成，所有的成员都是志愿者。合唱团是由在耶稣基督后期圣徒教会主办。然而，合唱团完全是自筹资金来支持他们的巡演和专辑发行。美国前总统里根称该合唱团是‘美国的合唱团’，摩门大教堂合唱团由摩门教会出资赞助，创立于一八四七年，至今已有一百六十年的历史演唱的曲目包罗万象，百老汇名曲（西城故事、旋转木马、彩虹彼端）、电影主题曲到巴哈（圣母颂）、莫扎特、贝多芬的古典音乐（铁砧大合唱）、美国民谣、黑人灵歌（世界在祂手中）、世界各国民谣（罗莽湖畔）、卡通主题曲（白雪公主与七个小矮人）等。曾经拿过葛莱美奖最佳合唱团大奖，拿过五张金唱片和两张白金唱片的畅销佳绩，前后灌录过三百多张专辑。美国历任总统都对摩门大教堂合唱团特别青睐，尼克松、两任布什总统的职典礼任演唱。

[2]薛定谔猫