8.23我写的一篇英语练笔，今天欣喜地看到妮妮姐姐的批改和建议，十分欣喜(Am I repeating?）觉得十分到位实用！！我把学到的贴在后面了，获益匪浅啊！！谢谢妮妮姐姐。

　　原文地址：http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_3d2655320100liyq.html我转到了这里：

冰上小红帽的作文(2010-08-27 04:21:59)

早先就看到了冰上小红帽的作文，觉得比自己初中时写作水平高很多，早就知道小红帽常常看原文书和原声影视作品，早就想给她一些鼓励的话和中肯的建议。

我认为要提高英文写作水平一个是要多读，二是要多练笔，三是要经常有人给提意见，四是要反复修改。小红帽有了一和二，我来帮她完成另外两条。

自打工作以来，每天用到的英文词汇有限，最近为了写好申请作文特意多看了一些闲书也读了一些关于写作的要点。总结出来无非几条：

1。言简意赅。能用一个词能说明白的就别用词组。任何单词，如果删掉不影响句子原意，都应该删掉。比如‘很’这个词，加不加都没有什么区别，因为读者根本不知道‘红’和‘很红’对于作者来说区别在哪。

2。多用简单的词。和中国人说的不要滥掉书袋是一个意思。简单就是优雅。

3。文章的逻辑结构要分明。每段下笔之前都要知道自己要说什么，各段之间有什么逻辑关系。不要顺着自己的意识流跟着感觉走。

4。文章要有题眼。每一段都有关键句。

5。句子不要过长。短的句子反而更有分量，更容易留下深刻印象。

还有几条意见是专门给小红帽的。

1。写这种议论文中心思想或要讨论的问题一定要在头一段出现。如果只写铺垫的话读者会不知道全文要说什么，还要不要继续看下去。另外开头要简短，几句话层层递进直逼主体。如果开头就加入太多讨论，就事论事，就容易跑题。

2。破折号的用法。很多人喜欢用可用的不规范，用的不必要。具体怎么用谁也说不清。总之不必要的话最好不用，不如把破折号前后的两句独立起来。

3。一定要审视句子和句子之间的逻辑关系，用适当的过渡词连接。

另外，我觉得小红帽最后一段写的意思特别好。我喜欢。

The Appeal of Dangerous Sports

  Adventurous sports are fascinating. Despite the extreme difficulties and risks of climbing Mount Everest, more and more people want to conquer it. Bullfighting is not only dangerous but also cruel and violent. Since bulls are much stronger than people, a tiny mistake on the bullfighters’ part could be fatal. Dangerous as it is, bullfighting not only survived to the modern days but thrives as a national symbol of Spain. There are many dangerous sports nowadays. Some date back to ancient times while others emerged only recently, enabled by new technology.Why are people attracted to dangerous activities and are willing to put their lives at risk?

  People seem to do so for two reasons. First, dangerous activities excite and fascinate people. For example, I like skiing. Fully aware of the danger involved in the sport, I cannot resist the temptation because it gives me the challenge that I want for myself and I resist repetitive and boring activities. There might be some strange brain chemistry that is evoked by the unique combination of fun and risk. Secondly, people take pride in their dangerous hobbies because they are a sign of courage. That explains why bullfighting is popular in Spain. It is not surprising that such personal pride in risk-taking can translate into a national obsession.

  Do these reasons explain why I engage in dangerous sports, though? During skating practices, I have fractured my elbow, thrown myself to the hard ice surface millions of times and have even been scratched by other’ skating blade right on my lips. However, none of these have diminished my love for skating and this love does not dwell on the superficial level of excitement and pride. All kind of sports challenge people’s limitation in how far they can go, how high they can fly, and how free they can be. People expand their limitations through challenging and dangerous sports to prove that nothing is beyond limitation and imagination. Maybe that’s the real attraction of dangerous activities--If you can do such a dangerous thing, what else you can’t do? It’s the ultimate sense of freedom and confidence that dangerous activities bring us. Dangerous sports make us fearless.

附原文

The Attraction of Dangerous Sports

  With the great danger of climbing the Everest pick of Himalayas, more and more people are preparing for conquering it, no matter how hard and dangerous it is. It’s indeed an adventurous sport, but no less fascinating.
  There are lots of dangerous activities since the ancient eras. Some of them has a long history, while the others are new, based on new technology today. Taking the bullfight in Spain as an example, it is not only dangerous for the bullfighters, but also cruel and gory. A bull is quite stronger than people, so during the fight, a tiny mistake can be fatal. But dangerous things like that develop till today, and as we know, the bullfight has become a symbol of Spain.
So it comes to a question——why people are attracted to dangerous activities when they know that they could be killed by them? I think people do dangerous sports out of two main reasons. First, dangerous activities always accompany with great excitement, that’s the reason why people are fascinated by it. Besides my special interest in figure skating, I also like skiing very much. I know it is a dangerous sport, but I still have a crush on it from now and then, because I always want to challenge myself, and reluctantly do things that are tedious or boring. Second, like I said before about the bullfight and why it’s popular till today, because it represents the courage of its nation. So lots of people do it, so that they can be recognized as courageous and intrepid person. That thought, I guess, remains till today.
  But, it’s true that almost every sport has its own peril. I’ve got fracture in my elbow once when I’m skating, and fall millions of times onto the ground. I was even scratched by other’s blade (of their skating shoe) right on my face (lips, exactly). All kind of sports challenge people’s limitation of how far they can go, how high they can fly, and how free they can be. And dangerous sports expand their limitation; let people know that they are capable of doing anything. Maybe that’s the real attraction of dangerous activities——“You can do such a dangerous thing, what else you can’t do?”——it’s the all-time-around sense of adventure that dangerous activities bring us, makes us fearless.

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以下是我的学到的：

1. 难词（TOEFL词）用不对，用完后自己都觉得别扭，看了妮妮姐姐改过的，词我全认识，好词也都有是那些TOEFL词，但好多用法如'date back to '，'throw myself to ...'，'evoked by'，我都几乎没见过，相信妮妮姐姐见过才敢用吧！

2. 关于连贯性：我的essay是词汇的拼凑，如'cruel and gory'，用法很单一。虽然我的行文思路还比较清楚，但意思不连贯，也许写多了会好些。

3. 想别出心裁以Mount Enevest开头，但MS外国人更喜欢开门见山。^ _ ^

4. 妮妮姐姐改过的文结构很漂亮简洁，去了好多冗长内容，三段差不多长，层层递进，让人看着就舒服，让我看着汗哪（本来这一篇是我写过的所有essay里最满意的）。而且文中亮点层出不穷耶，佩服！（我在纸上都标记出来了）

　　谢谢妮妮姐姐，我记住了！