本文完整的标题：“性别刻板印象”对男人也是一柄杀人见血的刀——从家暴男受害者的自杀透视反家暴
#晓辉性元谈# 【反家暴不应该有性别预设】尽管“男女发起家暴的几率一样”这一结论业已被西方研究反反复复证实，但在男权文化中形成的性别模式(社会学称为“性别刻板印象”)认知中，男性不会成为家暴的受害者，甚至认为他们往往就是潜在的加害者。国内某激进行动派女权者在微博里提到“传说中的‘英雄’救美通常不会发生…‘雄’有很大的可能是加害者。”便是典型的印证(她这个观点本身就源于男权的性别模式)。
2013年4月26日，加拿大反暴力社会活动者厄尔·西尔弗曼(Earl Silverman)在车库上吊身亡，留下；潦草的三页手写遗书。从此，这个世界从“只有一家专为男性家暴受害者提供的避难所”变成了“没有一家男性家暴受害者避难所”。（参考《沙龙网》报道：“Feminism didn’t kill men’s rights advocate Earl Silverman ” http://www.salon.com/2013/04/29/feminism_didnt_kill_mens_rights_advocate_earl_silverman/）

厄尔(Earl)在20多年前受到妻子的家暴，虽然逃离了婚姻，但因男性受害者的身份而得不到任何帮助安慰，故而他的PTSD(受害者创伤后综合征)从未痊愈过。而他是一个胸怀广阔的人，因由自己的不幸遭遇而生出了强烈的，帮助同类受害人(遭到来自女性的家暴的男性受害人)的愿望。从此，他开始奔走呼告，不断与政府交涉，并倾囊而出用自己的积蓄开办男性受害者避难所。

尽管“男性女性发起家暴的几率一样”已经被西方研究反反复复的证实，已经无可辩驳，但是“承认男人是需要帮助的家暴受害人”仍然是大大的政治不正确。所以，厄尔(Earl)不能得到任何援助。因为在社会学认定的“性别刻板印象”(我更喜欢使用“性别模式”这个术语)中，男人跟女人在一起，不可能是受害者，只可能是加害者。在他进行反针对男性家暴的活动中，他被冷遇，被敲诈钱财，被嘲笑，被告知他这种受害人没必要被帮助，被告知在家暴中连宠物和牲畜都会成为受害者，但男人只能是加害人。

他最后一个求助的健康中心里一个名叫詹姆士(James)的人告知他，他有自恋型人格障碍，而且没有得到治疗，所以才会把自己当受害人。这让我想到，有的人说，你被我呛了之后别把自己太当回事了。健康中心的人说厄尔(Earl)自恋，也就是这个意思，你太把自己当回事了，所以，才会认为自己是受害者，才会认为自己有权维权，治好了你的自恋症，你就会安心受暴，不再有异议了。这是多么混账的逻辑。凭什么一部分人可以很把自己当回事的向他人施暴，而受害人却不能把自己当回事来用非暴力的合法手段寻求解决？这就是为什么社会上“看似”男人受家暴的问题不严重。因为系统性的层层重压掩盖着这个现象，不准它见阳光。

他看着许多同类遭遇的男人用药物和酒精自毁，流离失所甚至自杀，而他是唯一有勇气建立男性避难所，试图帮助同类受害者的男人。是因为男人普遍没有勇气吗？不可能。只能是因为

早前，我发表的微博长文“一个妇女运动先驱与女权的‘私仇’”(

)里曾经提到，艾琳·皮齐(Erin Pizzey)在70年代成立了世界上第一个女性受暴者避难所，但是由于她主张避难所应包括男人，而遭到英美的女权组织死亡威胁，不得不流离避难15年。有能力建立第一个女性避难所的人，虽然也想建男性避难所，但是40年来一直不能成功，而且还差点被逼死。这说明什么呢？建不成男性避难所不是热情问题，不是能力问题，而是阻力问题，更大的阻力甚至来自于主张男女平等某些女权派别。

厄尔(Earl)在遗书中说，他失败了，但他希望用自己的死来换取社会对他这种受害人的重视。他将剩余的财产托付给别人，用于“遭到女性暴力的男性”问题的教育经费。他还希望自己唯一的“亲人”，猫Hemi能够被好人家收养。遗书的通篇没有指责任何女性群体(跟那些以自己受到某些男性的伤害作为有权指责整个男性群体的理由的女人比起来，Earl的情操真是高出几个数量级)。

但是，到目前为止，厄尔(Earl)的自杀也只是得到了一些男性权益组织的重视，并没有换来全社会的重视，中国更是不知道有过这个人的存在。如果他在天有灵，也不能瞑目的。我们只能希望，将来终于有一天，厄尔(Earl)的故事能够成为警醒世人的名人事迹吧。

以下是厄尔(Earl)的遗书
For the last 20 years I attempted to find support services & make the gov of Alberta aware of the lack of support services for men.
I failed in both goals: nothing for me and nothing for men. Alberta failed to take my submissions serious for 20 years – the only time they took me serious was based on a rhetorical comment to (该处笔迹不可辨认].
Today started & continued to be a great day but that changed with (人名)attempt to extort an additional $1200.00 which he knows I paid to (人名). Due to his greed to line his pockets I spent time away from the move. The time lost created a series of events that has caused additional stress that put me over the edge.
The last time I looked to support was with James at the Sheldon Chumir Centre: rather than acknowledge that I suffered from PTSD due to female perpetrated domestic violence he called me Narcissistic Personality Disorder with no treatment because he does not believe that men are victims of female perpetrated domestic violence.
Blair Mason dismissed my human rights complaint on the basis of no substantiated need.
Maybe my death will create a need.
One death on the basis of preventable issue is one too many. LGTT (LGBT)are less of a population then victims but there is funding for research & services but not for men.
Alberta considers men less than dogs, cats & cows as demo in NOV 2012 Diverse Voices Family Violence Conference men are perpetrators & pets & livestock are (该处笔迹不可辨认] victims.
There are numerous storms happening in my head.
These storms are in a combined storm. I cannot think straight I cannot reason well. I cannot hold onto a thought long enough to work through it. A thought just gets picked up by the storm & swept away without being dealt with. Lack of focus creates all sorts of problems – like not being able to hold onto a job. Thinking things through to an end result before everything gets mixed up & blow away.
I hope Hemi has a good home. He is a good cat.
I hope a review of my death creates services for men.
Men similar to me self medicate with drugs or/and alcohol & end up destitute & homeless or they take their own life= Why do I have to go so far to get the proper services of support : I don’t understand the storm in my head is severe I can’t take it any longer
(人名) are appreciated as my lawyers
No one knew about my choice I hid it well
It was a good day but the storm in my head is too severe I hope it is (该处笔记不可辨认] with my efforts for personal as well as general support for male victims of female perpetrated violence.
My death is due to not being taken serious on the issue lack of services. Alberta Spends $60 million for women & nothing for men.  Where is the equality where is my dignity as a victim who could not reach the point of survivor ? ? ? ?
I am tired & can‘t deal with it any more.
I appoint (人名) and (人名) to handle my estate & create a Family of Men educational Scholarship for male victims of female perpetrated domestic violence
I hope Allison Redford is advised of my demise & Devinder Shory.
If this is the only way to get attention of the issue – so be it. Sorry everybody for your pain – my choice nothing you could do only Alberta & services for men.
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