看完这些，你来说说Joan Rivers是不是最好笑的老女人

以下是我搜集的Joan Rivers的段子，自己翻译了一下，凑合看吧，领会精神最重要。括号里是我加的注解。

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生活啊，要是没有笑佣，真是很苦逼。

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- My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head. 我老公自杀了，这都怪我。我们当时在做爱，然后我把头上的罩子拿下来了。（自嘲自己长得丑，get it? 另外她的老公真的自杀了啊，这是她老公自杀后她讲的第一个笑话，这是一种什么精神？）

- When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, "Will she live?" He said, "Only if you take your foot off her throat." 我刚出生的时候，我妈妈问大夫，“这孩儿能活吗？”医生说：“除非你把脚从她的喉咙上抬起来。”

- My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller. 我关于童年最早的记忆是看我父母把我婴儿车上的轮子拧松。（自嘲父母不喜欢自己）

- I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 我知道我是个父母不想要的孩子，因为我当年洗澡时候的玩具是一个烤面包机和一个收音机。（这些东西要是通电了放在水里会把人电死，get it?）

- Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn't mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor. 琳西罗涵说她不介意在誓言之下（就是发誓作证之类的）因为她以为“誓言”是一个挪威滑雪教练。

- If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk. 如果凯特温斯莱特（泰坦尼克号女主演）瘦那么几斤的话，泰坦尼克号绝不会沉的。

- You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell mom backwards. 你想让辛迪克劳馥（名模）困惑吗？让她把“妈妈”倒着写。（形容她笨......Joan Rivers一直说好看的人就脑子不好）

- I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn't sleep with other women. 我对David Gest事件全权负责。是我告诉Liza Minnelli要找一个不和别的女人上床的老公。（David Gest是著名演员Liza Minnelli的老公，他俩结婚一年半不到就离婚了，David还说是因为被家暴......然而Joan说他明显是个Gay）

- The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them? 整个迈克杰克逊事件都是我的错。我告诉他要只和28岁的约会，没想到他找了20个8岁的。（指的是迈克杰克逊的恋童癖风波）

- And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest — most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish-looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed together, kind of like Renée Zellweger pushed up against a glass window. 我们都是成年人了，就别特么装了真实点儿好吗？大部分婴儿都不好看。事实是他们都长得奇怪吓人。大多数婴儿都眯眯眼、秃顶、而且五官都挤在一起，有点像是把Renee Zellweger的脸挤到玻璃窗上的样子。

- Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born ... He should have been there when it was conceived. 你听说了吗，汤姆克鲁斯刚刚喜当爹啦。孩子出生的时候他也在场，孩子怀上的时候他也应该在场。（Joan一直说汤姆克鲁斯是深柜gay…...）

- Madonna has just lost 30 pounds — she shaved her legs. 麦当娜刚刚减掉了30磅——她刮了腿毛。

- She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. 她贼他妈纯洁，摩西都不能把她的腿分开。（圣经 出埃及记里摩西用手杖分开了红海，带领以色列人逃过了埃及人的追杀。）

- This woman is an idiot….She turned down the role of Helen Keller – she couldn’t remember the lines. 这个女人是个弱智......她拒绝饰演海伦凯勒——因为她记不住台词！（海伦凯勒是个又盲又聋的人）

- When [Madonna] was an old whore, was she fun, yes or no? You wouldn’t trust her with a plant. Her knees were in different time zones. 当她（麦当娜）还是个婊子的时候，她是不是很有趣？你都不放心让她和一株植物独处。她的两条腿在两个时区里。（指麦当娜和谁都上床，腿劈的特别开......）

- Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass. 别特么和我提情人节。在我这个年纪，心头的韵事是心脏搭桥。

- The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, "He's flashing! He's flashing!" In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. 加州的女人，很容易被吓着。一个男的要是对着他们露出下体，她们会跑到警察局“他是露阴癖！他是露阴癖”。要是在纽约，一个男的给你露出下体，你拿出个刺绣环，玩起了套圈来。

- Don't you hate McDonald's? I heard you can't get a job there unless you have a skin condition. 你不讨厌麦当劳吗？我听说你要是没有皮肤病的话她们不会让你在那儿工作的。（讽刺麦当劳员工比较呃…...）

- I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it. （这句实在无法翻译）

- I was dating a proctologist with a sense of humor. We'd go out for drinks, he'd go, "Bottoms up." （不翻译了。proctologist是肛肠医生。Bottoms up双关，可以指”干杯”，也可以指“屁股抬起来” get it?）

- I saw my first porno film recently. It was a Jewish porno film — one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt. 我最近看到了我拍的首部毛片。那是一部犹太毛片——一分钟做爱，九分钟忏悔。

- Not all plastic surgeons are good. My cousin went to one and told him she wanted to turn back the hands of time. Now she has a face that could stop a clock. 不是所有整形医生活儿都好。我表妹最近去看了个医生，她和他说，希望能让时间倒流。现在她的脸可以吓得时钟停走。

- Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.  知道为什么女人在前戏时候不眨眼吗？时间不够。（意思是男人都猴急猴急的，没有前戏）

- I have Korean neighbors….She goes, “I don’t eat dog. I don’t eat dog.” There’s a leash hanging out of her mouth. 我的邻居是韩国人。她说：我不吃狗肉，我不吃狗肉。结果嘴里还当啷着一根狗绳。（她还说过去韩国邻居家吃感恩节大餐，他家的“火鸡”嘴里叼了一个飞盘。）

- When you die, whatever you got out of him, you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it. 你死的时候，无论你从你老公那得到了什么，都和你一起下葬。如果下一任骚货想要的话，让她挖去吧！

- I use my left breast now as a stopper in the tub. 我用我的左奶子当浴缸的塞子。（指下垂严重）

- I spit on education. No man ever put his hand up a woman’s dress looking for a library card. 我唾弃教育。没有一个男人在你身上摸来摸去是在找图书借阅卡。

- Vaginas drop. I had no idea! I had no idea. Eight years ago, I looked down; I thought, “Why am I wearing a bunny slipper? And why is it grey?” 阴道也会下垂的。姐完全没想到啊！八年前，我起床低头一看，卧槽：我怎么穿着小兔子拖鞋呢？而且怎么还是灰的？（无法直视小兔子了吧）

- I hate thin people. “Does the tampon make me look heavy?” 我恨瘦子。“这个卫生棉条会让我看起来很胖吗？”

- Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. 信任你的丈夫，爱慕你的丈夫，并且把尽你所能多的财产转移到你的名下。

- My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark. 我的性生活特他妈糟糕，我的G点已经被列为历史遗迹了。

- My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn. 我的脸被拉平的次数，比假日酒店的床单还多。

- Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. 伊丽莎白泰特的下巴比中国人电话簿里姓秦的还多。（英文里下巴chin和台湾秦拼音Chin一样）

- You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. 你整理好床，你把碗都给洗了，然后六个月后你又他妈要重做一遍。（自嘲自己不做家务）

- My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat. 我的身体下垂的贼快，我的妇科医生检查我都戴着安全帽。

- I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not: they sent it back and said, “We don’t believe it.” 我小时候特别丑，我父母把我的照片发到电视节目《瑞普利主持的信不信由你》。他们回信说：我们不信。

- I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.” 我和我婆婆说，我的房子就是她的房子，然后她和我说：给我从我的地产上滚出去。

- A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon. 一个孩子会被告诉一些事情不能做，比如不要摸热炉子啦，不要把台灯从桌上拽下来啦，还有不要在中午以前把妈妈吵醒啦。

- It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. 离我上次做爱已经太久了，我都记不得到底谁被绑起来了。

- You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it. 你意识到自己老了，当你买一件性感的薄纱睡衣后，你却不认识谁的视力好到可以看透它。

- That baby is ugly…I’ve never seen a 6-month-old so desperately in need of waxing. 这个宝宝真丑。我从没见过六个月大的孩子，这么需要除毛的。

- The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. 女人最不想在圣诞节早晨在她们的袜子里发现的，就是她们的老公。（几个点：圣诞节传统挂袜子，往里放礼物。stockings可以是女性丝袜，意思是不希望看到老公穿着自己的丝袜，意思是不希望老公是异装癖，get it？）

- She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals; she thought we just fought in world war eleven. 她不知道罗马数字，她以为我们打完的是第十一次世界大战。（世界大战写作：World War II）

- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 我的大腿松垮垮的，幸好我的肚子把它们都盖住了。

- My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.” 我的化妆团队得到了“最佳特效”提名。

- Half of all marriage end in divorce – and then there are the unhappy ones. 一半的婚姻以离婚告终，剩下的都是不幸的婚姻。

- I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe." 我当时在和一个异装癖约会，俺娘说：嫁给他，你的衣服就翻倍了。

- If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly. 你要是不想让gay参军的话，就把军装设计的丑一些。

- I try to be as nice to her as I possibly can, because one day I may need part of her liver. 我尽全力对她（指她女儿）好一点儿，因为有一天我可能需要她给我半个肝。

- Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’ 昨晚我问我老公：你最喜欢的体位是什么呀？他说：你在隔壁。

- My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. 我最好的避孕方法就是开着灯。

- All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and woman on the bottom; for three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. 我妈只告诉我做爱就是男上女下，结果结婚前三年我和我老公都睡的是上下铺。

- I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. 我已经整了那么多次容了，等我死了他们会把我的遗体捐给保鲜盒厂。

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来源网络：五乔

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