Teaching Children Self-Regulation

One of parents' most important responsibilities is helping children learn to govern themselves. According to experts, the best parenting combines firm expectations and reasonable freedom for children to make their own choices. When parents provide a good balance between rules and freedom, children learn to act responsibly of their own free will, even when parents aren't around.

Options, Not Commands

Children have an inborn desire for independence, and wise parents respect and respond to this need. Accordingly, children best learn how to make good choices when they're given options within acceptable limits. Parents who issue orders or commands can stunt their children's ability to make choices for themselves. Instead, parents should look for opportunities to create options for their children, and then let them decide. This kind of parenting shows children that their independent thoughts and feelings are valued and matter. It also encourages children to see adults as providers of help and guidance rather than forces of control and domination. And, perhaps most importantly, it fosters a sense of freedom, which in turn fosters a sense of responsibility and helps children enjoy life more.

The Power of Freedom

Studies show that as children are given freedom to make choices, they become more willing to follow parental guidance. Giving children reasonable freedom teaches them how to handle their freedom within a safe environment. If they make mistakes, their parents are there to explain what went wrong and to give them another chance. It's possible that children who are given generous freedom will make more mistakes than those who are told what to do more, but research shows that greater freedom helps children become stronger and more mature individuals.

As children grow, they should be given more and more independence. The goal is to prepare children for the day they will leave their family and live without parental control.

Written by Megan Northrup, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.