宝宝回家后总爱扮幼儿园老师,家长不配合就乱发脾气——中国妈妈问,美国妈妈答[No.43]

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2011年1月28日,星期五
来自青海的壮壮妈
中国妈妈问——
宝宝已经三岁半了,已经适应了幼儿园的生活,但是有一点我很苦恼,每天晚上宝宝回到家以后,都会把自己变成幼儿园的老师,而爸爸妈妈姥姥姥爷就都成了她班级的小朋友,要求我们坐直呀,小手背后呀,一些她在幼儿园里老师要求做的事情,可是我们每天上班很辛苦,老人的年纪也大了,总是不能很好的配合宝宝,宝宝就很生气。我想问一下,这种问题应该如何解决呢?
美国妈妈答——
来自美国迈阿密的Clay
当你的孩子回到家时,他觉得自己能像幼儿园的老师一样掌控全局。因此,在他的小脑袋瓜里,你们就应该按他说的做,否则他就要生气了。我猜,当他不高兴时,你们往往会迁就他,因为他一而再再而三地重复这一行为。我很想知道,当你孩子发脾气时你会怎么做。
另一种可能是,他在和家人玩“老师和学生”的游戏,而他发脾气可能是因为没人愿意配合他。
不管是出于什么原因,他都不应该发脾气。也许,他会因为自己的行为而受到一些惩罚,但不管怎么,你都应该设法弄清楚,你儿子到底在想什么。在他平静下来的时候,你可以问问他为什么他会这样做。
Clay T. answers from
Miami
When the child returns home, he
believes he is in control- much like the teacher is in control at
school. Therefore, in his mind, your friend is
going to do what he wants or he will act out. I'm
guessing when he acts out, he is also getting what he wants from
your friend because he keeps repeating the behavior. I'd be
interested in knowing what your friend is doing when he acts
out.
The other scenario could be he is
looking to play "school" with his family. It
could be he is upset because no one wants to play with
him.
Regardless of the reason, there's
no reason he should have to throw a tantrum. Although he may have
to receive consequences for his poor behavior, your friend should
find out what is going through his mind when he is calm to know why
the behavior is occurring. This can help lead to
fewer or less severe tantrums in the future.
来自美国华盛顿的 Laura
根据人文心理学家的研究(就比如说我:-D),人们通常在有需求时才会采取相应行动。需求就好比是行动的燃料。我们要吃饭,因为我们肚子饿了;我们要睡觉,因为我们很累,需要休息。就你的案例而言,你孩子在家里的行为就像个小老师,这也是因为他有需求,比如说孩子想自己说了算,孩子想教大人些自己刚学到的东西,或想要表达自己的想法。你应该试图找出他的需求是什么,这才是解决问题的根本。你需要反复尝试,这样才能找到答案。然后,你可以和孩子商量,看能不能找出一个好办法来满足他的需求。你可以告诉孩子,你不想扮演学生的角色,因为你很累了。你们还可以和孩子商量,告诉他可以扮演10分钟的老师,然后就下课…他或许会读一本书给你们听。你需要很认真地对待你的孩子,他也是人,也有自己的需求,和我们大人一样。
Laura M. answers from
Miami
In general, according to
humanistic psychologists (like me :-D), people behave because they
have a need. Needs are like fuel for our actions. We eat because we
are hungry and have a need for food, we sleep because we are tired,
we have a need to rest. In your case, the child behaves like a
teacher, because he might have a need to control, a need to teach
or a need to express his thoughts? The trick is to find out what
his need is. Use trial and error. Then, his mom can decide with him
how to fulfill this need in a way that suits her needs as well,
since she doesn't want to play classmate because she has a need to
rest? They might negotiate that he is allowed to play the teacher
for 10 minutes and after that class is dismissed or....he may
'read' a book to them, etc. etc. Be creative, but more over, be
sure to take him seriously. He's human, just as anyone else. And
humans have needs!
来自美国L.A.的Marlaine
到现在我都忘不了,我大女儿3岁时和我抢着做妈妈的场景。谢天谢地,我的一个朋友给了我一本名叫《Children the
Challenge》的书,这简直就是拯救了我的生活啊。虽然现在我手头上没有带着这本书,但我仍能回想起里面提到的3点建议:
*你应该感到庆幸——因为你儿子喜欢和你待在一起,并且你能从他的行为中了解到更多的有关他在幼儿园里的生活,这可能是他不会直接告诉你的。他身边一定有太多的人告诉他应该做什么。如果他也能适当地实施点“指挥权”或“控制权”,对他的成长一定会有好处。孩子需要时间来适应幼儿园,因此,最好每天留出10分钟的时间来倾听孩子的想法和需求。让他知道,他能依靠你,你会是他的精神支柱,对他的未来成长是有好处的。
*行动胜过言语——你首先要认真对待自己说的话,这样,你的孩子才不会把它当儿戏。如果你告诉他,你不想再玩这样的游戏了,而他听后很生气,那你就应该试着带他做些别的事情。如果他还要发脾气,那你就告诉他,你现在需要冷静冷静,说完后,你就带上一本好书躲到洗手间里去,让他一个人在外面大喊大叫吧。试图制止他的喊叫只会助长你不希望看到的一些行为。
*不要忽略细节——孩子的睡眠充足吗?
他是不是饿了?你们夫妻两人感情和睦吗?孩子就像是块海绵,有时会突然表露出大人们不愿面对的情感,记住,
你也是情感方程式中的一个环节。
Marlaine C. answers from
Washington
Age three was the year my eldest
daughter fought me fiercely for the role of parent. Thank goodness
my girlfriend gave me the book "Children the Challenge" by Rudolph
Dreikurs as it saved my life. While I don't have a copy in hand to
reference directly, my top three tips include the
following:
* Say thank you. It is a
compliment that your son wants to spend time with you and you can
learn a lot from his role playing about his new surroundings -
things you might not learn by asking him directly. He has a lot of
people telling him what to do - more than usual - and it can be
healthy for him also to be able to exercise a bit of control.
Kindergarten is a BIG adjustment so try and prioritize giving him
ten minutes each day to listen to his thoughts and wants. Knowing
he can depend on you now to be emotionally supportive after school
is a confidence which will benefit future years as well.
* "Use action not words." Your
words must mean something to you before they will mean something to
him. If you have told him once you would rather not play that game
and he throws a fit, see if you can entice him with an alternate
activity by starting with it yourself. If he continues to tantrum,
tell him you are going to go calm yourself. Then lock yourself in
the bathroom or bedroom with a good book and let him holler. Trying
to control his hollering only gives attention to a behavior you
want to discourage.
* Consider the basics. Give
thought while you are enjoying your "calm out" to the basics. Is he
getting enough sleep? Is he hungry? Could he use a bit more
cuddling? How are you and your husband getting along? Kids can be
like sponges and act out emotions we parents are too stifled to
acknowledge so always remember you are part of the
equation.
来自美国斯托姆维尔Mindy
这个年龄的孩子喜欢这样的角色扮演游戏,这很正常。
他们会模仿他们在家以外的任何地方看到的人或事。孩子们就喜欢这样的游戏。很多孩子甚至对学校和老师着迷。这没什么不正常。
然而,乱发脾气毕竟不是个好的行为。如果他因为大人们没时间陪他玩而大发脾气,那你应该关他的“禁闭”,让他一个人待会好好反思下;如果他因为大人们没有按他说的去玩而大发脾气,那你需要告诫他,“你和别人一起玩时,这样行为是无法接受的”,然后你还要立即结束游戏。
Mindy T. answers from
Stormville
At preschool age, imaginative
role play is normal, they may play at anything they have seen
somewhere other than home. Kids like to play pretend, they always
have. Many kids are fascinated with school and their teachers, a
different perspective from mom/dad/home. This is nothing unusual or
special.
However, the tantrum is bad
behavior. If he has a tantrum because an adult does not have time
to play with him, he should be trotted off for a time out. If
someone does not play exactly how he tells them and he has a
tantrum, he needs to be told, "That's not an acceptable way to
behave when you are playing together" and the game stops
immediately.
来自美国塔卡霍的Erika
我要说的是,他做角色扮演游戏,这很好,但是乱发脾气就不对了——你只需制定下规则,就能解决这个问题了。你可以在游戏之前就规定好游戏时间和游戏规则,告诉你的孩子什么是可以接受的行为。你可以这样对孩子说,“妈妈可以和你玩x分钟,然后我就得做自己的事了,我们把定时器打开,铃响后我会说,
‘谢谢’,而你可以接着玩你的”。
Erika C. answers from
Tuckahoe
I'd say, great that he is role
playing. The tantrum is not okay - and most likely just a control
issue. One could 'frontload' the play time and talk ahead of time
about okay behavior. "Dad will play school for x minutes, but then
I need to do y. We'll set the timer. When you hear the timer, I
will say, "thank you," and you will keep playing
happily."
来自美国亨茨维尔的Sandy
你孩子的行为很正常。我女儿快5岁了,她一直都挺喜欢这样的角色扮演游戏。有时,她还会让她的毛绒玩具作她的学生呢:)。这就是孩子们展现学校生活的方式。我记得我小时候也喜欢这样,甚至上了小学还兴趣不减呢!
Sandy H. answers from
Huntsville
Yup totally normal. My daughter
is almost 5 and has been doing this for a while. She will even
setup her stuffed animals to be her "students" :) It's just their
way of processing how school goes. I remember doing this as a kid,
even in elementary school.
米妈妈建议:
你的孩子在做角色扮演游戏。事实上,很多孩子都喜欢这种游戏,他们就喜欢模仿周围的人或事。不过,小孩子乱发脾气肯定不对,妈妈们可以给他一些小的惩罚,可以让他一个人呆在角落里好好反省下。在孩子开始做游戏之前,妈妈们最好先把游戏规则制定好,你可以这样对孩子说,“妈妈可以和你玩x分钟,然后我就得做自己的事了,我们把定时器打开,铃响后我就要忙我的了,而你可以接着玩你的”。