2010年12月15日，星期三

中国妈妈问——

来自深圳的可可妈

我们和孩子的爷爷奶奶一起住，老人非常宠爱孩子，常常顺着他，要什么买什么，慢慢的发现他越来越任性了，我们和爷爷奶奶说，他们还总护着孩子，说他还小，在这样下去孩子一定会被惯坏的，应该怎么办呢？

 

    美国妈妈答——

注：美国妈妈们给出了关于隔代教育的一些很好的办法，但在美国，爷爷奶奶不经常和孙子、孙女一起住，所以如果妈妈们可以根据自家情况找到适合自己的办法。

来自美国萨克拉曼多的Betty

提到爷爷奶奶溺爱孩子这件事，我觉得你应该同他们制定一些规则。光是提建议可能不起作用。当你开始制定规则时，他们可能会觉得受到了冒犯，但是他们同样应该理解你的立场。首先，考虑下他们如何教育、照顾你的孩子会让你觉得是对的，然后取得你丈夫的支持，让他帮着说服孩子的爷爷奶奶。

一些建议：让孩子的爷爷奶奶倾听孩子的愿望，在每次过生日或特殊日子时只给孩子一件礼物。你或许还需要向爷爷奶奶明确下什么是特殊日子。如果你认为他们只需要在孩子过生日和圣诞节的时候给他买礼物，你就直接告诉他们。如果你认为情人节，复活节或其他的节日也可以，那就加上这些日子。让他们在买礼物的时候最好和你商量下，这样你们就不会买重了。

他们还可以建立一个账户作为孩子以后上大学的资金，或者你自己建立一个这样的账户，然后让他们往里面存些钱。

好好思考下，我相信你一定能想出更多地好点子来解决这个问题。

我知道给你父母或公公婆婆制定规则并非易事。一开始时他们或许不愿意接受你制定的规则。但是，我认为，只要你能理性地与他们沟通，你的丈夫能支持你，他们就会站在你的立场来考虑这个问题，即便不能，他们也会配合你。

Betty answers from Sacramento

Speaking from the viewpoint of a grandma who tends to be 'doting'... you have to simply set some rules with the grandparents. Suggestions don't seem to work with us. They may be offended when you first set up the rules, but they also should come around to appreciating your position in time. Decide what you are comfortable with them doing for your children first, then be sure your husband is behind you in what you say to the grandparents.

Some suggestions: Ask them to listen to your children's desires during the year and only give one gift for a birthday or other special occasion. You may need to define a special occasion for them when you do this too. If you are only wanting them to do birthday and Christmas, say so. If perhaps you'd accept Valentine's day, Easter, or any other holiday as a special occasion, add those. Also ask them to check with you prior to making their purchase, in case you have chosen to give the same gift they've chosen.

Suggest that they may want to set up a savings account and add money to it for the children's college fund..or you may want to set up the account and suggest they add to it from time to time.

Put on your 'thinking cap' and I'm sure you can come up with more ideas that would work for you.

I know it's not easy to think about setting boundaries with your parents or your in-laws. They may not be willing to accept your boundaries at first either. But, I think as long as you present your boundaries in a reasonable manner and you and your husband stick together the grandparents will come around to see it your way, or if they don't, at least cooperate.

 

来自美国洛杉矶的Reva

你的孩子玩什么玩具，什么时候玩是由你来监管的，而不是爷爷奶奶说了算。让他们把玩具先拿给你看下，你同意后再分配给他们。你可以把玩具放在一个壁橱里，在孩子过生日或节假日时再把玩具拿给孩子。至于孩子的行为问题，告诉他们，不要以为在爷爷奶奶家能得到想要的一切，在家里也行，这样的想法是绝对不能接受的。告诉孩子的爷爷奶奶你制定的规则，如果他们还想和孩子单独相处的话请遵守这些规则。另外，孩子需要理解，在爷爷奶奶家能做的事情不一定能在家做，爷爷奶奶家是个特殊的地方，有着特殊的规则，但那些规则在自己家里是不成立。向孩子明确你的规则，让他们遵守，这样，你就用不着处理由于爷爷奶奶溺爱孩子所导致的后果了。

Reva answers from LA

it's your job to monitor what your kids get to play with and when, not theirs. Ask them to give gifts to you first for approval, then for distribution. You put them up in a closet and bring them out at birthdays and holidays. As for behavior, tell them that when they get everything they want at grandparents' house, they begin to expect it at home, and that's unacceptable. Tell them your own discipline policy and ask them to follow it if they want time alone with the kids. On the other hand, the kids might be able to understand that what happens at grandparents' house is not how things are at home, that it's a special place with special rules that do not carry over to home time. Keep your home rules clear and strong so you don't have to clean up the mess left over from the grandparents.

 

来自美国堪萨斯的Adansmama

如果孩子的爷爷奶奶没有和你们住在一起，那就给他们放假吧。毕竟，你才是抚养孩子的人。在家里时，孩子应该遵守你制定的规则。如果在爷爷奶奶家，那可以遵守你那儿的规则。如果孩子的爷爷奶奶和你们生活在一起，那好吧，他们需要参与制定家庭规则，并帮助你教育孩子，而不是屈服于孩子的每次奇思妙想。

Adansmama answers fromKansas

Unless the grandparents are living with you, give them a break - they're the grandparents, they're supposed to spoil the grandbabies. You are the one raising these kids. When in your house they follow your rules. If they let loose a bit at grandma and grandpa's, i feel that's okay. (If the grandparents live with you, then yes, they need to be on board with house rules and helping you raise these kids, not just give into their every whim)

 

    来自美国夏普斯堡的Suz

你应该是孩子最主要的影响者，而不是他们的爷爷奶奶。大多数的爷爷奶奶都会或多或少地溺爱孩子，而对于孩子来说，享受全然地关爱也是件好事。

如果你的孩子太频繁地和爷爷奶奶住在一起，而他们对孩子的溺爱已经产生了不良影响，那你就需要和他们谈谈了。我相信，您一定能帮他们在关爱和溺爱之间找到平衡，让他们也遵守你制定的规则。举例而言，如果孩子从爷爷奶奶家回来后变得很吵闹，那你就要想办法，至少让孩子在半小时内能做些安静的活动，如一起读书或坐在餐桌前玩游戏。如果孩子忘了说“请”或“谢谢”，那你就需要和孩子的爷爷奶奶谈谈了，向他们明确，让孩子懂礼貌的重要性。

如果爷爷奶奶对孩子的放纵和溺爱在家里得不到纠正，那你的孩子就会变成一个人见人厌的小讨厌鬼。

Suz answers from Sharpsburg

You are the primary influence on your children, not their grandparents. Most good grandparents dote a bit, and it's good for grandkids to experience some totally wide-open adoration.

If your kids are with their grandparents so often that the spoiling is having a true (not just momentary) deleterious effect, then discuss it with them. I’m sure you can reach a mutually acceptable balance between them enjoying and indulging the kids and remaining within your prescribed boundaries as their mom. for example, if the kids tend to be very rambunctious when they come home from the grandparents, work it out so that their last hour or half hour with them is always spent in a quiet activity, reading together or sitting at the kitchen table playing 'i remember when.' if it's that they are forgetting to say please or thank you, discuss with their grandparents the need to insist on courtesy.

Your kids won't become 'willful children' unless the leniency permitted with their indulgent grandparents is mirrored at home.

来自美国斯托姆维尔的Mindy

你孩子多长时间看望一次爷爷奶奶？如果只是偶尔拜访，比如，一个月只去一次的话，那这算不上什么问题。但是，如果是经常的话，或爷爷奶奶负责在白天看护他们，或与你们住在一起，那你就要坚决反对这样的做法了。偶尔在晚饭前让孩子吃块曲奇饼干或糖果没那么可怕，但屈服于孩子的无理取闹，对孩子的不敬行为听之任之则不同了。如果你发现孩子从爷爷奶奶那回来后表现很差，那你就需要让他的爷爷奶奶知道了，溺爱的行为是一个很严重的问题，并且你要表明你坚决反对的立场，而不是提些建议——当孩子表现不良时，你或许还需要给孩子适当的惩罚，或者立即带他回家，如果爷爷奶奶家里自己家不远的话。

Mindy answers from Stormville

How often do the children see their grandparents? If you're talking about an occasional visit, going over one Sunday a month, it should not be a problem. If the grandparents see them frequently, provide daycare or live with you, then you do need to put your foot down. An occasional cookie before dinner, or candy if you don't normally allow it, is not terrible. Giving in to tantrums or letting the kids be disrespectful is another story. If the kids are behaving badly with you after visiting with the grandparents, then you'll need to let the grandparents know it's a problem, and put your foot down rather than making suggestions - you may need to take over the discipline when the kids act out, or at that time, decide it is time to go home if the grandparents live relatively close-by.

    来自美国加州的Heather

你很幸运，孩子有个爱他爱到溺爱程度的爷爷和奶奶。要知道，在很多美国家庭里，爷爷奶奶都不想管孩子，更别提照顾他们了。

由于我白天要上班，因此，每周，我儿子都要在爷爷奶奶家过一两天。我们很幸运，能自己照顾孩子，而不用把他送到托儿所去。关于溺爱孩子这个问题，我已经和我婆婆谈过很多次了，我们发现，只有你在家里纵容孩子的不良行为，那他才会被宠坏，或变成个人见人厌的讨厌孩子。我儿子现在5岁了，在他很小的时候他就知道，他在奶奶家可以做的某些事，在自己家里是不能做的。我婆婆尊重我制定的规则，但当我把儿子留给它照看时，她就说了算。毕竟，她养育了一个我认为可以托付终生的儿子。尽管，我并不总是认同她的方法，比如礼物和饭菜……

我看了其中一个妈妈的建议，那个妈妈认为，应该由你来把爷爷奶奶送的礼物给孩子。我想说的是，我完全不同意这种做法，这会伤害到送礼物的人，孩子在收到礼物时一定很兴奋，而你却剥夺了爷爷奶奶看到这一幕的权利。我的哥嫂就是这样做的。当我送给我侄女礼物时，他们甚至不允许她当着我的面拆开礼物。他们也不让我抱她（她明年二月份就满3岁了），他们不和我们一起过节。对此，我真的感到很难过。我认为，他们对待礼物的态度恰恰反映了他们有着很强的控制欲，他们想给孩子这样一个印象，所有的礼物都是来自于爸爸妈妈。这真是糟透了，请不要这样对待孩子的爷爷奶奶，因为，他们会和我一样受到伤害。成年人的一个快乐就是：看到孩子们在收到一件意想不到的礼物时那充满阳光的笑脸。

如果你的孩子是个善解人意的好孩子（我相信他们是），他们就会知道在不同的地方需要遵守不同的规则，不管是在爷爷奶奶家，还是在自己家，都要注意自己的举止。

Heather answers from California

You are so fortunate to have grandparents for your kids that love them enough to dote on them! There are some families where the gp's really don't care to be involved, much less babysit & spend much time watching them...

My son spends 1-2 days a week at his grandparents' house, as they provide (free) childcare while I work. Between myself, my husband, and the gps, we have managed to care for him without daycare...very lucky indeed. I have had many discussions with my MIL about how much she likes to "spoil" my son, and we really find that the child is only "spoiled" or willful if you allow bad behavior at home. He is 5 years old & has known from a very early age that he can do certain things at gm's house that won't fly at home. She abides by my general rules/requests, but when I leave my son at her house, she is in charge. After all, she raised one kid, good enough for me to marry...even tho I don't always agree with her methods, gifts, foods...

I read one post that talked about the parents needing to be the distributor of gifts from you...and I caution you, I TOTALLY disagree with that. That is so hurtful to the gift giver, to take away their joy of seeing the kids' faces when you give them a gift (birthday, Christmas, whatever), AND associating the gift giver with that present. My brother & sister in law do that. They don't let my niece open my presents to her, in front of me. They don't let me hold her. (she is turning 3 in Feb) They don't do holidays with us. They basically have set it up so that she doesn't want anything to do with me. It is very sad, for me, anyways. But how I feel with the gifts, is that they are so controlling, that they want all gifts to appear to come from Mom & Dad. It is awful, & please don't do that to your kids' gps, as they will be so hurt. Part of our joy as adults is seeing kids' faces brighten up when we bring them something unexpected!

If your kids have good hearts, as I'm sure they do, they will know that different places have different "rules" & behave properly at home, and at gp's houses.

 

    来自美国迈阿密的Laeh-maggie

让你父母宠爱孩子。你要做个理智的，不溺爱孩子的妈妈。你的理智是可以抵消你父母溺爱孩子的不良结果的。

Laeh-maggie answers from Miami

Let your parents spoil them. You just be the sensible Mom who does not spoil them. It'll all balance out.

 

来自美国斯普林希尔的Alysia

让你的孩子帮爷爷奶奶做家务，即便爷爷奶奶不需要他们的帮忙。这可以让孩子们明白，要像尊敬长辈一样尊敬爷爷奶奶，并让他们懂得，他们需要听爷爷奶奶的话。此外，这种方法还可能让孩子学会关心他人，让他们知道，他们不可能想做什么就做什么。

Alysia answers from Spring Hill

Have your children help their grandparents with household duties even if they don't need the help. It will teach them to respect their grandparents as elders and will help them understand that they need to listen to what they say. It will also help to teach them to be mindful of others and that they can not also do whatever they want whenever they feel like doing it.

    来自美国科罗拉多斯普林斯市的Mary（已经当奶奶了！）

我老公的父母就喜欢溺爱孙子。我觉得这样不好，但是因为我们相处的时间很短，我觉得事情还没那么坏。我制定的一些规则会被暂时推翻。我的孩子会喜欢爷爷奶奶为他们做的一切——那时，我就会说，“好好玩吧，孩子。不过，爷爷奶奶走后，你们就要守规矩了”。（当然，向诚实，尊敬他人这样的规则是永远都不会被推翻的！）

现在，我也当奶奶了，我发现我也喜爱溺爱孩子。但是，我的确在尽力地找出她们父母制定的规则，这是因为，在某些事情上，我的3个可爱的孙女想蒙混过去。一开始，我不知道她们在家里是不能嚼口香糖的，直到我给了她们几次后我才发现的。不过，他们的父母知道，我并不是有意改变他们的规则的。

孩子们知道她们的父母爱她们，因此，她们在家里也没有变得不听话。

Mary answers from Colorado Springs

My husband's parents loved indulging our children! I thought that would be a bad thing, but since we got together only once it a while, it was a good thing. Some of the rules would end up being suspended, and my children would love everything their grandparents did for them - and I would say, "Enjoy it, kids... when Grandpa and Grandma leave, things will go back to normal!"

(Of course, rules like honesty and respect were never suspended!)

Since I'm a grandma now, I really enjoy spoiling my grandchildren and handing them back to their mama and daddy! But I do try to find out what their house rules are. This is because my trio of lovely granddaughter siblings try to get away with a few things. I didn't know that chewing gum was off limits until I'd let them have it a few times. But their parents know I'm not trying to change their rules.

But the children know their parents love them, and have not become disobedient at home.

 

 

米妈妈建议：

爷爷奶奶总是会很疼爱孙子、孙女，这次采访中还有一位已经当了奶奶的，她也坦言尽管以前自己对孩子多严厉，在孙子面前还是会溺爱他。（注：在美国，很多爷爷奶奶都不和孙子、孙女住在一起。）

教育孩子，人人有责。美国妈妈们认为当孩子去拜访爷爷奶奶时，妈妈们可以跟爷爷奶奶讲自己教育上的一些规则，请他们尽量配合；同时，也要孩子理解，在爷爷奶奶家能做的事情不一定能在家做，爷爷奶奶家是个特殊的地方，有着特殊的规则，但那些规则在自己家里是不一定成立了。如果爷爷奶奶和你们生活在一起，那你可以请他们一起参与制定家庭规则，并帮助你教育孩子。

在给孙子、孙女买礼物这个问题上，美国妈妈建议是可以先在节日前和爷爷奶奶提前沟通好，让他们在买礼物的时候最好和你商量下，这样你们也不会买重了。还有可以给孩子建立一个账户作为大学的基金账户，直接往里面存钱。

还有个不错的建议，来自美国斯普林希尔的Alysia说可以让孩子们帮爷爷奶奶做些家务，这样，孩子就能学会尊敬长辈，学会关心他人了。米妈妈觉得这么做也不错哦！妈妈们可以试试！