Yesterday a friend came to visit me and brought me some peaches. Later afternoon, I made peach juice with milk. After I drank, I felt something wrong with my stomache. Maybe milk cannot be mixed with peach juice? I googled but did not find any information about this.  So I did not eat much food for dinner. There was some food left  in refrigerator but smelly. I didnot want to go out to scare the public, so tried to eat the rotten food. Just 5 minutes later, I felt severe pain in my stomache, and started to sweat but my body was cool. I almost fainted away, I saw myself white face and bloodless lip.

Whom shall I call for help before I die?  What if I die without a will?  What if my body would be found in a few days or weeks?  That is the sadness and disadvantage of living alone.

If I die, all my money in the stock market will go to my parents. My clothes, my books, DVDs, if my friends like, they could take it. If they do not like, they could contribute to some remote poor area. But nothing left for my lover, as I do not want him to live in memory. I wish him forget me after a night's sleep, like a dream disappeared after he blinks his eyes when he wakes up. I sincerely wish him to fall in love soon, no need to wait for the mud of my tomb goes dry.  Life is beautiful and meaningful when you are in love.

Well, I am not afaid of death, but afraid of die in pain. It's better die in happiness and peace with my lover around. I have experinced, tasetd,and seen a lot, so I have no regret to die. But I am selfish, like to die before my lover. Though I have never seen a dead person in my life, I still could imagine as I would be afraid of seeing his dead face, touching his cold and stiff body. His ghost may haunt in the house, and I have to suffer from losing him.

My lover,  I dont know where you are, but when you read this, will you still be my lover if knowing my selfish thought? whatever, please take good care of yourself for the sake of me.