A Duck in a Convenience Store

One duck walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk said no, and the duck left.
The next day, the duck returned and asked, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again said no, and the duck left.
The day after that, the duck walked in the store again and asked, “Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screamed at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you every time that we don't have any grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor! "
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No."
The duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

 

These are my jeans

After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself－－especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago．“Look，look．” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband．“I can wear my old jeans again．”Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but these are my jeans．”

 

Lift

An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service．“The lift will be down presently，”said a nearby clerk．
“The lift？”said the American．“Oh，you mean the elevator．”
“No，I mean the lift，”replied the Englishman，annoyed by the American' s arrogance．
“I think I should know what it's called，” said the American．“After all，elevators were invented in the United States．”
“Perhaps，”retorted the Englishman．“But the language was invented here．”

Driving car

Father：“Uh，oh，I think I just made an illegal right－hand turn．”
Susie：“That' s okay，Dad，the policeman behind you just did the same thing．”

 

 

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

 

 

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

 

Beachcomber

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have asked you all to come here today to convince you just how dangerous alcohol is. So, together, let's throw all our bottles of wine and spirits into the sea..."

Not one of the audience moved. One man began to applaud like mad.

"Thank you sir. You agree with me?"

"You bet. I'm a beachcomber."

 

In a school in the States, the teacher had just described Christopher Columbus' discovery of America.

"Just imagine, children, if he had not risked the ocean, you would not be here today. Wasn't he marvellous?"

All the children cheered, except one.

"Aren't you pleased young fellow?"

"No miss."

"Why?"   "I'm an Indian."

 

 

Happy Birthday Boss

 

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"

His employees replied again, "No."

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

His workers responded, "A puppy."

Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.

 

 

 

 

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

 

 

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

 

 

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

 

 

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

 

 

A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.

 

 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

Mum, does God go to the bathroom?
No, son, why do you ask?
Well, every morning dad goes to the bathroom, knocks on the door and shouts, "Oh, God! Are you still in there?"

 

 

 

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

 

 

 

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

 

FREE DRINKS FOR THE BLIND

 

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

 

 

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.