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Anal sex is often a thing people can be nervous about if they haven’t done it before. There are certain things you already know if you’re something of a pro, but what about if you’re completely new at all this butt stuff? BuzzFeed UK spoke to Dr Seán Cassidy, a doctor working in sexual health, and Tracey Cox, a sex expert, to help put together a guide so everything runs smoothly.

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If you’re going to have anal sex with somebody else, it might be best to try exploring yourself first. You wouldn’t buy a new car without giving it a test drive first, right? You can begin exploring using just your hands. “Finger insertion is a great way to get your bottoms used to being penetrated,” says Tracey.

Sex toys should also be something you take into account. Tracey told BuzzFeed: “If you’re nervous about trying anal with a partner, try inserting a butt plug before masturbating to see what it feels like.”

There are a ton of sex shops online that you can buy anal-specific toys from to help you get used to the feeling of having something in your ass: A butt plug or a beginner’s dildo is a good start (just make sure whatever you buy has a flared base so it doesn’t disappear and get lost in there). If you’d rather not spend money on sex toys, Tracey says your hands will do the trick: “If you don’t want to invest in a toy, try inserting a well-lubed finger. You’ll feel the sphincter muscles contract around your finger and have more of an idea what to expect when you insert a toy or penis.”

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It’s time to get scientific and look at the butt in more detail. An ass includes an external and internal sphincter. The external sphincter can be “squeezed and released voluntarily” while the internal sphincter “works involuntarily and on reflex”. If you’ve ever tried anal sex or explored your own ass (which you should totally do anyway if you want to have all the butt sex), you might notice that you naturally clench when something goes in. Tracey points out: “The more you gently play around the area, the more it will relax.” This is why foreplay and exploration is extremely important! But that’s a separate point altogether.

It’s also worth pointing out that if you’re doing anal sex with a man who is receiving, his prostate (aka P-spot or male G-spot) is located up his rear. Find that (up and back a bit) and he’ll thank you later.

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Let’s be honest here, we all know what comes out of an ass, which is why a lot of people worry about the same thing: Will I shit myself? The short answer is no, so long as you follow a couple of guidelines. The basic principle is to be careful what you eat before you have someone knocking at your back door. “Tucking into gas-inducing foods like onions, chickpeas, broccoli, or cauliflower is not going to add to the experience,” says Tracey.

A valid question is: Why should you have to monitor what you eat just so you can have anal sex? Well, you don’t have to. By all means, go ahead and have a sloppy burger for lunch and a curry for dinner. Just make sure your sheets aren’t white… Food is more of a judgment call on your end. If you feel comfortable, go full steam ahead and bend over. If you think you could lose half a stone as soon as look at a toilet seat, it’s probably best not to attempt putting anything up there for a while.

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If you know you’re going to receive a dick in your butt, you need to make sure you’re clean (unless you’re into that shit). Seán points out that “there should only be poo in the anal canal when you actually need to go to the toilet.” Cleaning can be really easy: “Simply empty your bowels first and then give the whole area a good wash with warm water,” says Tracey. Wipes are also very handy to have nearby.

If you’re still not entirely confident that you’re clean down there, douching is another option. For those who aren’t acquainted with a douche, it’s basically a ball that you fill with water and use to flush yourself out. “Some people prefer to douche before anal sex to reduce the risk of a nasty surprise,” says Seán. He recommends that if you do douche, use a bulb douche instead of a shower-head attachment as “it’s difficult to control the water pressure”, and only use “clean plain water at room temperature”.

However, although douching is a thorough way of keeping yourself clean, it can come with some risks. “The problem with douching is that it can irritate the lining of the rectum,” says Seán. “This can facilitate the transmission of STIs including HIV.”

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Basically the most important element of successful anal sex is lube. Have you ever seen Brokeback Mountain, where Heath Ledger chucks it in without so much as a lick of spit and Jake Gyllenhaal is like “lol this is fantastic”? THAT WAS A FUCKING LIE. If that had happened in the real world, Jake would be sending Heath the bill for his new wheelchair. Even anal pros need some kind of lubrication, because unlike the vagina, the ass doesn’t self-lubricate. So if you take away just one thing from this guide, make sure that it’s to ALWAYS USE LUBE. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH. USE THE WHOLE DAMN BOTTLE IF YOU WANT TO. Tracey says that you should “apply [the lube] liberally before you have anal intercourse (to the anus and penis).” And never be afraid to stop doing the butt banging to add more.

There are many different types of lube, some of which are harmful to latex and silicone. “Make sure you use a water-based lube if you’re using latex condoms,” says Seán. “Anything oil-based can cause latex condoms to break.”

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This is v v v important to those who are beginners at anal sex. DON’T GO IN DICK-FIRST. Things are tight and will naturally tense if you try prying it open like a fucking safe. This is why foreplay is important – not to mention it’s a lot of fun, so why would you even want to skip it? As Seán says: “The more time you take over foreplay, the easier it will be.”

Start with your hands. Tracey says that it’s important to have “clean hands and trimmed nails” and to “remove all rings”. You don’t want to be fishing for gold if you leave your wedding ring on. Using lube, you should “start by gently circling the opening with the pads of your fingers”. When it gets to the point of insertion, you should start with one finger and only insert a little at a time. Remember, SLOW AND STEADY. There’s no use finger blasting a newbie because they will (hopefully) tell you to get out of both their anus and their house. You should “wait for them to get used to the sensation and for the sphincter muscles to relax” before going in a bit more. You’ll find that once the person receiving is used to having something in their ass, they will start to relax.

You should also think about multitasking if you’re the one doing the anal exploring. If the receiving person is female, she might like it if you wash her front windows too. If the person receiving the finger is male, he might like an accompanying hand or blowjob.

Rimming (using your tongue on the ass) is also a useful foreplay tool. Tracey says that you should “keep your tongue soft and wet with gentle licks” to begin with, before “making your tongue stiff and pointed”.

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Once you’ve done the foreplay and both of you are comfortable, it’s time for the penetration. Again, DON’T FUCKING RUSH. This isn’t the Olympic sprint and you don’t need to have finished the job in 9.5 seconds. Take your time when entering and use the same technique as when you used your hands: Slowly push in a bit at a time, pausing to allow the receiver to get used to it before pushing in further. This might take some time and will “depend on your partner’s penis size and shape”, says Seán. Once you’re in, Tracey says you should “move very gently and very slowly. Move in and out but in super slow motion and only withdraw an inch or so. Also try circling your hips while keeping your pelvis close.”

One of the easier positions to try if it’s your first time is the receiver on top. “If the person about to be penetrated is decidedly nervous, it makes sense to put them completely in control,” says Tracey. Other positions you can try are missionary (requires a bit of flexibility) and doggy style. “If you want a really gentle, non-threatening first time, try spooning,” Tracey also recommends. “Penetration is shallow and deep thrusting is difficult, making it perfect for beginners.” Seán adds that “positions where your knees are bent up to your chest generally feel more comfortable as this straightens out the anal canal.”

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The most important thing about trying anal sex for the first time is communication. “Communication is crucial, especially if it’s your first time,” says Tracey. “Whoever is on the receiving end needs to constantly give feedback about how it’s feeling.”

As the receiver, you need to be confident enough to tell the other person “hey, that doesn’t feel so good” or “I’m not a pound piece, please calm down”. As the giver, you need to be able to listen, take note, and change things accordingly to make sure the person on the end of your dick is comfortable at all times.

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Anal sex should never be a chore. Yes, more preparation and effort has to go into it sometimes, but it should be something that both parties enjoy. Just like vaginal sex, taking it up the bum won’t always feel great. Sometimes it won’t feel comfortable, and sometimes you might just not want to have a snake roaming around your back garden. And that’s OK! But Seán says you should also bear in mind that “the rectum contains thousands of nerve endings” so basically it can actually feel great.

“The key thing is don’t rush. Take your time to try different positions and work out what feels best for you,” says Seán. “With time and patience you’ll learn what’s best for both of you.”