Some  of  this  literature  acknowledged  character  as  an  ingredient  of   success,  but  tended  to compartmentalize it rather than recognize it as foundational and catalytic.    Reference to the character ethic became mostly lip service; the basic thrust was quick-fix influence techniques, power strategies, communication skills, and positive attitudes.

一些文学作品认为性格是成功的重要成分，但是趋向于分类而不是将它视为基础或者催化剂。性格伦理的参考大多成为口头承诺，最基本的信任是快速的影响技巧、权力策略，沟通技巧及积极的态度。

This personality ethic, I began to realize, was the subconscious source of the solutions Sandra and I were attempting to use with our son. As I thought more deeply about the difference between the personality and character ethics, I realized that Sandra and I had been getting social mileage out of our children's good behavior, and, in our eyes, this son simply didn't measure up.Our image of ourselves, and our role as good, caring parents was even deeper than our image of our son and perhaps influenced it.There was a lot more wrapped up in the way we were seeing and handling the problem than our concern for our son's welfare.

我开始认识到，性格伦理是我和Sandra一直努力在我们儿子身上尝试使用的潜意识的解决方式。当我深入的思考个性和性格伦理的区别时，我意识到，Sandra和我一直在享受从我们的孩子的好行为中得到的好处，而且，在我们的眼中，这个儿子从来不测量的。我们的自我形象，我们作为好的、关心孩子的父母角色变得比我们儿子的形象更深刻，或许会影响它。相对于我们对儿子的福利的关心，我们看待和处理问题的方式有很多成功之处。

As Sandra and I talked, we became painfully aware of the powerful influence of our character and motives and of our perception of him.We knew that social comparison motives were out of harmony with our deeper values and could lead to conditional love and eventually to our son's lessened sense of self-worth.So we determined to focus our efforts on us -- not on our techniques, but on our deepest motives and our perception of him.Instead of trying to change him, we tried to stand apart -- to separate us from him -- and to sense his identity, individuality, separateness, and worth.

就像我和Sandra讨论的，我们越来越意识到我们的性格和目的性强大的影响力，并且意识到我们对孩子的观察力。我们知道了社会对比目的性与我们深层次的价值观是不和谐的，而且还会导致有条件的爱，最终会导致我们的孩子对自我价值的意识越来越弱。所以我们决定将功夫放在我们自己身上——不是单纯追求技巧，而是追求最深的目的性，以及我们对孩子的观察力上。抛弃我们原来想改变儿子的方式，我们尝试分离——将我们自己与孩子分开——去感知他的自我认同感，他的个性，他的独立以及他的价值。

Through deep thought and the exercise of faith and prayer, we began to see our son in terms of his own uniqueness.We saw within him layers and layers of potential that would be realized at his own pace and speed. We decided to relax and get out of his way and let his own personality emerge.We saw our natural role as being to affirm, enjoy, and value him.We also conscientiously worked on our motives  and  cultivated  internal  sources  of  security  so  that  our  own  feelings  of  worth  were  not dependent on our children's "acceptable" behavior.

通过深入的思考及信念及祈祷的练习，我们开始以儿子的独特个性来认识他。我们看到在他内部一层有一层的潜力，这些潜力都以她自己的节奏和速度来实现。我们决定放松下来，让他走自己的路，让他自己的个性释放出来。我们将自己的角色视为肯定、喜欢、并珍视他。而且我们还全神贯注于我们的目的性，培养内在的安全感，这样我们的价值体验就不会依靠于孩子可以接受的行为。

As we loosened up our old perception of our son and developed value-based motives, new feelings began  to  emerge. We  found  ourselves  enjoying  him  instead  of  comparing  or  judging  him. We stopped  trying  to  clone  him  in  our  own  image  or  measure  him  against  social  expectations. We stopped trying to kindly, positively manipulate him into an acceptable social mold.Because we saw him as fundamentally adequate and able to cope  with life, we stopped protecting him against the ridicule of others.

当我们放宽了对儿子的陈旧认识，形成了价值基础上的目的性，新的感觉逐渐出现了！我们发现我们很喜欢儿子，不再将他与别人对比或者对他进行判断。我们不再尝试将他克隆成与我们的形象一样的样子，或者通过社会期望来衡量他。我们不再尝试善意地、积极的将他培养成社会接受的模子，因为我们认为他有足够的能力处理生活问题，我们不再保护他免受别人的嘲讽。

He had been nurtured on this protection, so he went through some withdrawal pains, which he expressed and which we accepted, but did not necessarily respond to."We don't need to protect you," was the unspoken message."You're fundamentally okay."

在这种保护之下他茁壮成长，当然他经历了一些后退的痛苦，他将这些痛苦表达了出来，而且我们也接受，但是没有必要做出反应。“我们不需要保护你了”，我们心里这么想，“你肯定可以处理好的”！

As the weeks and months passed, he began to feel a quiet confidence and affirmed himself. He began to blossom, at his own pace and speed. He became outstanding as measured by standard social criteria -- academically, socially and athletically  -- at a rapid clip, far beyond the so-called natural developmental  process.As  the  years  passed,  he  was  elected  to  several  student  body  leadership positions, developed into an all-state athlete and started bringing home straight A report cards.He developed an engaging and guileless personality that has enabled him to relate in nonthreatening ways to all kinds of people.

一周周过去了，一月月过去了，儿子感觉越来越自信，越来越肯定自己。他开始以他自己的节拍及速度绽放。根据标准的社会评判标准愕然，他变得很优秀——无论是学术上、还是人际上，包括体育方面——而且改变的速度惊人，远远超出所谓的自然发展过程。几年过去了，他被多个学生团体竞选为干部，发展成了一个全国的优秀运动员，而且每次拿回家的成绩都是A。他变成了一个有事业心的、城市的孩子，而且对各种人都不构成威胁。

Sandra   and   I   believe   that   our   son's   "socially   impressive"   accomplishments   were   more   a serendipitous expression of the feelings he had about himself than merely a response to social reward. This was an amazing experience for Sandra and me, and a very instructional one in dealing with our other children and in other roles as well.It brought to our awareness on a very personal level the vital difference between the personality ethic and the character ethic of success.The Psalmist expressed our conviction well: "Search your own heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life."

Sandra和我相信我们的儿子取得的社会认可的成功与其说是他对自己感觉的欣喜若狂的表达，不如说是对社会的回馈。这对于我和Sandra来说都是神奇的经历，而且对搞好我们与其他孩子或者其他角色的关系也是非常有指导性的。他使我们从个人层次上意识到在成功方面个性和性格伦理的差异。Pdalmist非常切当的表达了我们的信念“努力搜索自己的内心，因为生活的真谛源于其中”。