Have you ever been in a relationship where no matter what you did, the other person felt it just wasn't enough? Have you ever been told repeatedly that you are loved, yet inside you feel empty and separate? Did you wonder what you were doing wrong—why you just couldn’t effectively communicate your connection to someone?

Though this counseling, Gary Chapman has found that there are five main love languages:

(1)       words of affirmation  (2)     quality time spent together  (3)     receiving gifts and tokens of caring

(4)     acts of service   (5)     physical touch and connection

All of us need all five forms of love, but there is one or two, that is our “primary language” and crucial to our feeling loved and cared for. If our partner doesn’t speak to us in our “primary language” we feel as if something is missing, and we feel unloved, even if they are speaking to us in their own “primary language”. The other person may love us totally and completely, but we don’t experience what they say or do as being loving toward us. The same is true for them- we can show great love for them but if we are not using their “primary language”, then they feel abandoned and unloved. So, we need to learn to develop all five love languages, especially those of our primary partner.

Your primary love language is evident in tow ways: you speak it more often than the other languages, and you feel most loved when it is spoken to you. The languages are same whether you are a romantic partner, friend or parent.

(1)       words of affirmation: otherwise known as verbal appreciation, this love language applies when you need to hear, “I love you”, as well as other words of appreciation, words of encouragement, praise, kindness and words that build you up. If you don’t hear them, you don’t feel loved. How does this work? When we emphasize the positive, it encourages other people to be more positive in return. Eg: your spouse tells you how much his or her friends appreciate you.

(2)     Quality time spent together: spending time listening, sharing, teaching, reading in the same room, trips, movies, games, etc. this language includes quality conversation—not just being in the same physical space. Quality time means giving others your undivided attention, being available—looking into someone’s eyes while you are speaking with them. It is about talking about things that are important, including one’s core beliefs and emotions. Eg: Your spouse kidnaps you for lunch and takes you to your favorite restaurant.

(3)     receiving gifts and tokens of caring: also known as visual or tangible symbols of love. A personalized gifts says that we cared enough to make the effort to bring pleasure to the other person. The gift has to be unconditional with no strings attached, rather than a bargaining tool to get something you want in return. Eg: your friend sends you something special through the mail just because it made them think of you.

(4)     acts of service: this is when you do things for the one you love- things that take planning, time, effort and energy. Even if we don’t need that particular act of service at that moment in time, we will feel loved because we offers. You must do these acts of service our of kindness, not obligation, and without expecting anything in return for it to be truly a language of love.

(5)     physical touch and connection: physical touch is a basic uman service. However, some of us need more of it that others to feel loved: a hug, a pat on the arm, a stroke on the cheek, a shoulder massage or our back scratched. Eg: they stand physically close, maintain loving eye contact, rest a hand on your arm around you. Or you find them sitting in the same room with you even if you are doing different activities- just breathing in the silence together.