几天前开始憧憬今年的春假该带儿子去哪里旅游，不料周五突然传来消息：先生的姑妈Sue去世了，葬礼安排在周日。虽然我与她从未谋面，可为着先生的缘故也还是要出席。心里有点小嘀咕，整个出游计划被打乱了。

谁又曾想，当天，美国时间3月7日的晚上，听到马航失踪的消息。后来学到新名词，叫做“失联”。于是，我们的旅游泡汤还算什么呢？心里塞进了一架飞机，想着那239个生命，和与他们相关的千百个家庭。收拾行李的时候，想到他们也曾欢欢喜喜打点行装，归家的心雀跃着，给亲人的礼物一件件地摆放着，想象着他们收到礼物时的兴奋……可是，有些行李也许就到不了终点站了；有些旅行，出发了，就没有回程了。

葬礼举行的地方是在德州一个叫Athens的小城。一路下着小雨，天灰灰的，配合着我思忖死亡这件事。虽是三月，春，似乎还有些远。灰色天空成为画布，每一棵光秃秃的树，都像是存在于一幅水墨画中。树，有属于它们的轮回。眼见着冬天的萧瑟枯萎，你不会绝望，因为心里已经开始盼望春天。春天的嫩芽，春天的馨香，春天的多彩，春天的撩人，春天---只这两个字就给人勃勃的生机与动力……而，人呢？当一眼望到生命的尽头，有多少人心里能够升起盼望？因为完全不知道可以盼望什么。死亡，似渊，似墙，似黑夜丛林，深不可测，漆黑阴森，裹夹着人类最极致的恐惧，将一切温暖美好全然阻绝。只因为，不知道深渊的那头、墙的那面，等待人类的是什么。是天堂？是地狱？是虚无？是轮回？枯树会逢春，大地会回暖，人，消失在这世界，之后，怎样呢？到底会怎样呢？？？

胡思乱想间，也不停地看着中外网站微博微信，期盼奇迹出现。“无法肯定、疑似、可能……”最终对先进的科技表示失望，人类是多么有限啊。到了安放Sue遗体的殡仪馆，收拾自己的情绪，并在进门前叮嘱儿子不要笑，不然人家会觉得我们不尊重去世的人。可一进门，竟被众多微笑的脸庞环绕。大厅里放着轻柔舒缓的音乐，乳白色的灵柩摆放在最前方，镶嵌着粉红粉蓝的花。边上放着幻灯片，是Sue从小到大再到老的照片，七十岁的老人了，自然有很多的印迹。亲友们四处随意走动，聊天，不时看看灵柩里的Sue，又或转头看墙上放映的照片，老人们对年轻一点的讲着照片里的故事，说着有关她的趣事，有时眼里有些泪花，却也挡不住随即而至的笑容……没有悲怆的音乐，没有撕心裂肺的哭声，这里，是将要举行葬礼吗？？

忍不住问先生这个问题，“他们，爱她吗？真的在乎她吗？怎么眼泪那么少？” 先生拍拍我肩，俯身对我耳语，“小镇上的人几乎都是基督徒，都深信虔诚的Sue去了天堂，所以不为死去的她悲伤。眼泪还是会有，那是为活着的亲人将要承受的思念。不过，有一天在天堂还会相见，这让暂时的分别还可以忍受。” 他的声音轻柔，笃定。原来，几代传承的信仰，在他们心里栽种了盼望，枯树会逢春的盼望，天堂再相见的盼望。于是，望着灵柩里的故人，充满于心的是温馨回忆和美好期盼；绝望恐惧，都退后了，没有空间了。

周日正式的葬礼上，一样的宁静，有间或的抽泣，有宽慰的拥抱。哀伤漂浮在空气里，只是浅浅的，不让人觉得恐怖，亦非无法承受、无法喘息。我小时候对死亡的恐惧直接来自外婆的葬礼。此起彼伏的哀嚎声，棺木将要被推进火炉的瞬间亲人不顾一切扑上去往回拖的情景，让我对死亡有了唯一的认知：一个人死了就是全家人的天塌了。那种绝望悲痛真是幼小的心无法承受的重。

教堂里的仪式结束后，大家都去墓地送别。果真如先生所介绍的，众亲友的车队缓慢而行，全部亮着车灯，而对面驶来的车辆，无论是大卡车还是小轿车，都自动停了下来。其实反方向驶过的我们根本影响不到他们，但他们愿意，将这一小段时间，默默献给一个不相识的死者。我的心暖暖地晃动了几下。对逝去的生命都这样尊重，这个国家的人民有着基本的幸福。先生说，再早些年，车上的人会走下来，对出殡的车队脱帽致意。我说，这样已经很足够了。说这话时，脑海里是Sue漂亮的蓝色洋装，淡妆的安详的脸，似乎含一丝微笑，两手叠合，左手还戴着婚戒，一块精致的手表松松斜在右手腕上----她，俨然就是要去付一个约会，去见一个想念已久的友人……

住在酒店的晚上，夜里不停醒来。每次都去抓来手机上网看新闻。接下来的梦里也都是飞机、天空、大海。虽然我知道上帝给祂的儿女预备了天堂，恐惧焦虑还是有它们的地盘。“不知下落”这样的字眼带来的各种想象比死亡本身似乎更可怕。回家的路上，忽然停了先生正在播放的音乐，问他，“都50多个小时没有消息了，大家都在祈祷他们平安归来。可我觉得太渺茫，我，到底该怎么为他们祷告呢？” 未等他回答，Sue的葬礼画面兀自浮现。似乎有了一个答案：我要祈求那些揪着心的家人们在绝望中找到真盼望；祈求他们在心爱之人可能已经离去的重击之下反观到生命的真意，不再去拼命抓取带不走的荣华富贵，却珍惜与身边人共处的每一刻，在他们的生命里认真留下爱、尊重、友善……

写到这里，看到微信里的消息，一位朋友因病在芝加哥去世，3月8日凌晨2点。最后一次通话，她说想念Houston，想来再相聚。可是，死亡就这样不期而至，来不及说再见。我说了，这个周末，注定要思想死亡这件事。

生老病死，生老病死，谁都知道这是天命。如今看来，老，病，不是必然。因为有灾祸夺取幼年的，也有怡然到老不经病患寿终正寝的。唯有死，对全世界人极其平等，必然中的必然。如此，对待这件事，岂不该比其它不一定会发生的事情有更多的探寻与了解？工作、婚姻、兴趣爱好，生命中这些重要的组成没有一样不需要学习与准备。死亡，也应该作为一门课程，被研究，被思考，被讨论。一味的讳莫如深、闭口不谈，只会让恐惧升级，不是吗？那样，便是在活着的时候就已经被死亡的毒钩击中了。当未知的面纱稍稍被掀起，对死亡的巨大恐惧会渐渐消退，就算不至于完全消失，起码让人有直视的勇气。

关于死亡的言辞，最简单明了、最安慰我心的还是在圣经里。Sue的葬礼更让我瞥见真实的死亡里，基督信仰带来了平静安稳与盼望。她的遗容，竟然没有给我一丝冰冷的感觉。这些与我记忆中有关死亡的场景，截然不同。

圣经如此论及死亡：“凡有血气的就必一同死亡；世人必仍归尘土。” “因为死是众人的结局，活人也必将这事放在心上。”如我们已经知道的，它告诉我们死亡是必然，但它也让我们活着的时候就应该思想死亡。

基督信仰里从不畏谈死。因为耶稣的“死而复活”就是整个信仰的基石。历史上从没有人谦卑如耶稣那样为众人舍了命，又用他的复活直接打败了死亡本身；从来也没有人像耶稣那样坚定地宣告他就是道路、真理、生命。既然他说：“我就是复活，我就是生命！信我的人，虽然死了，也必复活。”那么，死亡，就不再是故事的结束。

或许，越在接近死亡毒钩的地方，我们越能看到信仰的需要。为了坦然无惧地活着，我们需要找到它、经历它——那个除去黑暗惊恐，带来自由希望和爱的信仰。我深信，只有脱离死亡恐惧的生命之花，才更有可能擢取生的每一秒，恣意绽放，用它的美渲染整个世界。 

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感谢上帝，计划的长途旅行取消后，先生还是努力安排了一个短途旅行。在旅途中，有朋友陆续回复说很受感动，于是先生花了一个晚上的时间将这篇文章翻译成了英文。再与大家共享。   

舒舒－03/13/2014

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STARING DOWN THE STING OF DEATH 

                                  ---TRANSLATED BY KENNY

This weekend, I seem destined to thinking and talking about death. And since I can’t seem to avoid it, I might as well just throw myself into it wholeheartedly.

A few days ago I had started thinking about where to take my son for our spring break getaway this year, but on Friday some news came without warning: my husband’s Aunt Sue had died, and the funeral was scheduled for Sunday. Although I had never met her, for my husband’s sake we needed to go to the funeral. My heart gave a tiny whisper, “Our whole vacation is messed up.”

Who would have thought that the same day, the evening of March 7 in the U.S., the news would break that Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 was lost. Later, I learned a new word 失联,  “lose contact." So, as far as our travel plans being messed up…so what? An airplane filled my heart, those 239 lives, and the thousands of families associated with them. While I packed my luggage, I imagined them happily getting dressed for the trip, in high spirits about getting back home to their wives, laying out in order the presents bought for loved ones back home, imagining their excitement when the gifts are opened ... However, some luggage never reaches its final destination; some who leave on a journey will never return.

The funeral was held in a small town called Athens, Texas. The whole trip there it rained in a steady drizzle; the grey skies matched my mood as I thought about this bleak affair. Although it was March, spring seemed a long way off. The sky was grey like a canvas, every tree was bare, it was like a picture in Chinese ink. Trees, they have their cycle. In the midst of winter’s bleak desolation, you do not despair, because the heart is already looking forward to spring. Spring’s blossoms, spring’s aromas, spring’s flirtatiousness, “spring” — this single word represents exuberant vitality and power ... ... but what about people? When they look ahead all the way to the end of life, how many people can feel hope? For they have no idea what to expect. Death, like a deep pool, like a wall, like a black jungle, fathomless, pitch-black and sinister, wrapped up in humanity’s ultimate fear, the utter denial of everything beautiful and warm. All because we don’t know the bottom of that abyss, the far side of that wall, what it is that awaits humanity. Heaven? Hell? Nothingness? Reincarnation? The bare trees will meet the spring, the earth will warm back up, people… they disappear from this world, and what then? At the end of all things, they will…what??

Even while my mind was running wild with these thoughts, I never stopped looking at websites, microblogs, WeChat… — expecting news of a miracle. "Not sure…suspected…possible ... ..." In the end I grew disenchanted with advanced science and technology; humanity is so limited! When we arrived at the funeral home where they had placed Sue’s body, I put away my moodiness, and before we went in I told my son not to laugh, lest people think we didn’t respect the deceased. We walked through the door, and unexpectedly we were surrounded by smiling faces. In the hall itself gentle, relaxing music was playing; an ivory casket was placed in the forefront, studded with pink powder-blue flowers. Up on the wall to the right a slideshow was playing, photographs of Sue from childhood to old age. She was in her seventies, and naturally time had left its mark. Friends and relatives wandered hither and thither at will, chatting, now and then going up to look at Sue in her coffin, or perhaps turning to look at the photographs projected onto the wall. The old people talked to the young, explaining the stories behind the photographs, relating amusing anecdotes about Sue. Now and then there would be some tears in the eyes, but then they would not be able to keep back a smile ... ... Music without pathos, no heart-rending lung-ripping weeping and wailing — is this a funeral??

I couldn’t help but ask my husband, “Didn’t they love her? Didn’t they really care about her? How can there be so little crying?” My husband patted my shoulder and leaned over to whisper to me, “It’s a small town and almost everyone is a Christian, and we are all sure that Sue, who we know loved God, went to Heaven; so her death is no reason for grief. Of course there will still be some tears, because her loved ones who are still alive will miss her. However, there will be a day in Heaven when we will meet again face to face, and so for the time being we can bear it.” His voice was soft but firm. It turns out that generations of faith have planted hope in their hearts: the bare trees wait in expectation for the spring, they wait in expectation of seeing each other again in Heaven. So, looking at the beloved one in the coffin, their minds are filled with warm memories and beautiful hope; Despair and Fear, begone, you have no place here.

Sunday's funeral was just as peaceful. Now and then there was a sob, and a comforting hug. Sorrow floated in the air, but very shallow, not terrifying, not unbearable, not suffocating. My own childhood fear of death sprang directly from my grandmother’s funeral. The ceaseless wails of grief, the sight of desperate relatives hurling themselves on the coffin trying to drag it back as it was being pushed into the furnace, left me with a single impression of death: when one person dies, it’s as if the sky falls for the whole family. That sort of despair and sorrow is far too heavy for a young little heart to bear.

After the ceremony in the chapel, everyone went to the cemetery to bid farewell. Just as my husband had told me, the friends and relatives drove in a long, slow-moving line, each car with its lights on, and the vehicles that met us coming the other direction, large trucks and tiny passenger cars alike, all stopped as we passed. Our passing in the opposite direction wouldn’t in reality affect them at all, yet they were willing to dedicate this brief moment in time to a show of respect for the death of someone they didn’t even know. My heart was moved to its core with warmth a few times. When all the living show such respect even toward the dead, the people of this country must have such bedrock happiness. My husband said that years ago people would get out of their cars and stand with their hats off to show respect for the dead. I said, what they are doing now is already more than enough. As I said that, in my mind was Sue and her blue dress, her face with its light makeup and its serenity, the trace of a smile on her lips, her hands folded, her left hand still wearing her wedding ring, a delicate watch hanging loosely on her right wrist — looking exactly like someone going to keep an appointment, going to meet friends long missed…

That night in the hotel, I kept waking up all night long. Each time I would grab my cell phone, get on the internet and check the news. Every dream was of an airplane, the sky, the sea. Even though I know that God has prepared Heaven for His children, fear and anxiety still held their ground. “Whereabouts unknown…” all the terrors conjured up by such words seem more frightening even than death itself. On the road home, all of a sudden I reached over and turned off my husband’s music and asked him, “It’s been more than fifty hours with no news, with everyone praying for their safe return. I don’t know what to think; how in the end am I supposed to pray for them?” Even before he answered, the image of Sue’s funeral rose back up in my mind, and it seemed to hold an answer: I would pray for those heart-stricken family members to find true hope in the midst of their despair; pray that under the blow of knowing that their loved ones might already have passed away, they could arrive at a true perspective on their own lives, that they might no longer fight desperately to cling to wealth and power, but instead would treasure every moment spent with those around them, would leave behind in others’ lives love and respect and kindness……

At that moment I got a message on WeChat: a friend had just passed away in Chicago from illness, on the eighth of March at two o’clock in the morning. In our last phone conversation, she had said that she missed Houston and wanted to come back and be together again. But death came so unexpectedly, there was not even time to say good-bye. I said to myself, “This weekend is destined to be about death.”

“To be born, to get old, to get sick, to die” — everyone knows this is mankind’s fate. But apparently getting old and getting sick are not inevitable, for catastrophe strikes down some infants, while there are people who live to a ripe old age and die in their beds without ever getting sick. Only death makes everyone in the whole world equal, only death is the ultimate inevitability. So, with regard to this subject, shouldn’t we spend more time exploring and understanding death than we do on other things that may not even happen? Work, marriage, hobbies — these things make up an important part of life, and each of them has to be studied and prepared for. Death should also be thought of as a course of study, should be researched, pondered, discussed. Unthinking taboos and silence, they only feed the dread, isn’t it so? Whatever lives, has already been stung by death. When the veil of the unknown is even slightly lifted, the looming terror of death recedes; even if it does not disappear completely, let people at least have the courage to face it.

When it comes to what is said about death, the most straightforward words, the ones that most have comforted my heart, are from the Bible. Sue's funeral let me glimpse even more how, in this particular actual death, Christian faith produced serenity, peace and hope. Her body unexpectedly didn't give me the slightest feeling of icy cold. It could not have been more different from the scenes of death in my memories.

About death, the Bible says: "all humanity will die together, and mankind will return to the dust.” “Death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.” It tells us that death is inevitable, which we already know, but it also tells us that we should think about death while we are still alive.

The Christian faith is not afraid to talk about death — because Jesus’ “death and resurrection” is the cornerstone of the whole religion. Never in history was there anyone else as humble as Jesus, to give up His life for the whole world, and yet with His resurrection to defeat death itself; and never was there anyone like Jesus to firmly declare Himself to be the way, the truth and the life. He said: "I am the resurrection, I am the life! Whoever believes in Me, even if he dies, yet will he surely live again.” And that means that death is no longer the end of the story.

Maybe the closer we draw near to the place of death’s poisonous sting, the more clearly we can see the need for faith. In order to live calmly and undauntedly, we need to find it, experience it – that faith that destroys dark horror, that brings hope and freedom and love. I am deeply convinced that only the flower of a life lived free from the fear of death, can make every moment in life bloom without limit, spreading its beauty throughout the world.