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      此刻的我，被一阵阵恶心袭来，我的胃与肠经受了近十年来最持久的折磨。每天醒来，先是不敢面对新一天，然后陷入生理的痛苦。车学着学着呕吐，爹无极限正能量让我压力无极限，每天就在不负众望和自知Loser的钟摆中无地自容。青年时代若是没有学习占据，我早成为一个抑郁症、癫狂症、妄想症的逆反女儿，有时感激家庭给我带来的正面熏陶，有时又抗拒这些本不属于我的力量。我的纠结，我内心的天翻地覆，说给谁听，都觉得是矫情和蛋疼，所以现在不习惯说，只放之于写，写出来仿佛胃酸能排出来，反复琢磨然后整个消化系统恢复正常。我太容易被外界框住，优秀的惯性困住了人生，在家庭聚会的酒桌上，每个人都在夸自己的孩子，而孩子们心里都明白，这表面的虚晃应酬如何能画出他们的波澜壮阔。我沉默着，鲜有几句插得上嘴。

                                                           

    恰逢World Book Club纪念oranges are not the only fruit三十周年，我终于开读这本题目诱人的书。是的，有些书因名字便会着迷，但有时略微做作，读下去会发现名不副实，像是被坑骗糖果的小朋友。而这部小说还算地道，以特有的反讽和幽默吊着胃口，橘子的大量出现，如同一杯杯橙汁，抵御不住的酸爽。这本书像是一个少女发现自我的传记，基本依照作者自身经历写成，Jeanette是个奇女子，天生的无视男子无视婚姻，和女人睡，在精神病院工作，还以优秀成绩考入英语系。Jeanette Winterson在BBC上说，连我自己都没确定性向，你如何知道我是一个lesbian，我有过近十个男友....贯穿整本书的矛盾体很简单，Jeanette代表的无良少女和一心向基督的她妈，母亲的奇葩是文字中的亮点，极端的宗教主义者，说难听点，像是无脑的走狗，她的执念让女儿离耶稣越来越远，直到做出“不洁”之事，然后完全切断母女关系，决绝和无知让我再次确定家庭对孩子的负影响之大。

    Jeanette在谈这部书中，我多么希望有读者的问题中有，橘子到底象征了什么，可惜没有。这种成群结队的出现，直到文本结尾，数一数也有一小车橘子了，为什么不是梨，苹果，柠檬，榴莲，非是橘子，想了半天不得解。莫非这小小水果在宗教里有独特的含义，或者因为普通所以更有存在感。

 

My mother is very like William Blake; she has visions and dreams and she cannot always distinguish a flea's head from a king. Luckily she can't paint.   （在BBC中Jeanette就幽默到不行，这种句子在文中太多了）

 

`Oh, it's not surprising, she's seven you know,' May paused for effect, `It's a holy number, strange things happen in sevens’（七本来是幸运，但后来文中又证明七是厄运，哎，这世界根本没有信仰可言）

 

前方有大量橘子来袭

I couldn't attract her attention, so I took an orange and went back to bed. I had to find out for myself.

My mother looked horrified and rooting in her handbag she gave me an orange. I peeled it to comfort myself, and seeing me a little calmer, everyone glanced at one another and went away.

On the morning of my operation, the nurses were smiling and rearranging the bed again, and piling the oranges in a symmetrical tower.

she sent my father, usually with a letter and a couple of oranges.

`The only fruit,' she always said.

Fruit salad, fruit pie, fruit for fools, fruited punch. Demon fruit, passion fruit, rotten fruit, fruit on 

Sunday.

Oranges are the only fruit. I filled my little bucket with peel and the nurses emptied it with an ill grace. I hid the peel under my pillow and the nurses scolded and sighed.

Elsie Norris and me ate an orange every day; half each. Elsie had no teeth so she sucked and champed. I dropped my pieces like oysters, far back into the throat. People used to watch us, but we didn't mind.

`Here you are,' said my mother, giving me a sharp dig in the side. `Some fruit. You're rambling in your sleep again.' It was a bowl of oranges.

`After all,' said my mother philosophically, `oranges are not the only fruit.' (我装作听不懂的样子，sorry I don't understand)

 

`Don't worry love,' she soothed, `you'll get used to it. When I married, I laughed for a week, cried for a month, and settled down for life. It's different, that's all, they have their little ways.' （这句莫名触动我，当我结婚的时候，我笑了一周，哭了一月，定下了一生）

 

The only thing for certain is how complicated it all is, like string fullof knots. It's all there but hard to find the beginning and impossible to fathom the end. The best you can do is admire the cat's cradle, and maybe knot it up a bit more. History should be a hammock for swinging and a game for playing, the way cats play. Claw it, chew it, rearrange it and at bedtime it's still a ball of string full of knots. Nobody should mind. Some people make a lot of money out of it. Publishers do well, children, when bright, can come top. It's an all-purpose rainy day pursuit, this reducing of stories called history.

 

`Well, the demon you get depends on the colour of your aura, yours is orange which is why you've got me. Your mother's is brown, which is why she's so odd, and Mrs White's is hardly a demon at all. We're here to keep you in one piece, if you ignore us, you're quite likely to end up in two pieces, or lots of pieces, it's all part of the paradox.'  （人们说，橙色是最温暖的颜色，之前看过的影片中说，蓝色才是最温暖的颜色，无论如何，女人和女人的交集都是最温暖的事，无论这女人是情人还是母亲）

 

As far as I was concerned men were something you had around the place, not particularly interesting, but quite harmless. （男人是个什么存在呢？整天环绕周围，一点都不有趣，却也无伤大碍）

 

I knew my mother hoped I would blame myself, but I didn't. I knew now where the blame lay. If there's such a thing as spiritual adultery, my mother was a whore.   （我说是走狗貌似轻了，女儿认为母亲是婊）

Of course people mutilate and modify, but these are fallen powers, and to change something you do not understand is the true nature of evil.  （共情）