The View of my Father’s Back

Zhu Ziqing

It has been over two years since I last saw my father. It is the view of
his back that is most unforgettable to me.

That winter was a double tragedy for us as grandmother passed away and father was dismissed from his position. I left Beijing for Xuzhou to meet up with
father to go back home for the funeral. In Xuzhou, when I saw father, and total mess of disorderly placed items in his yard, memories of grandma came flooding back, and my tears poured down out of control.

Father said, “ Things which happen cannot be changed. Don’t be so sad. There is always a way out.”

Back home, by pawning and selling possessions, father paid off the debts and borrowed more money for the funeral. Those were gloomy days for the family, partly because of the funeral, and partly because father was now unemployed.

After the funeral, father headed for Nanjing to seek work and I for Beijing to finish school. Therefore, we traveled together for a while.

In Nanjing, a friend showed me around for a day; and the next morning, I
was supposed to ferry to Pukou and take the train north that afternoon to Beijing. Father was busy and had decided not to see me off. Instead he asked a waiter who was an acquaintance, to accompany me. He repeatedly instructed the waiter on how to take care of me. Nevertheless, he still felt unsure, worrying that the waiter was not reliable, and reconsidered what to do for a while. Actually, I was already 20 years old then and had been traveling to and from Beijing several times on my own already. There was nothing really to worry about. He thought for a while, and finally decided to see me off himself. I tried several times to persuade him not to, but he only said: “It’s fine. I don’t trust him with you.”

We crossed the river and entered the station; where I bought the ticket while he took care of the baggage. As there were so many pieces of luggage, we had to give some tips to the porter in order to enter. Father busied himself bargaining with the porters. Back then, I was quite the smart aleck, thinking he wasn’t a good negotiater, and had to restrain myself from butting in. Eventually, he finished the bargaining and took me onto the train. He picked a seat by the door, and I spread on the seat the expensive fur lined coat that he had made especially for me. He urged me to take care of myself and not to get cold at night. Then he asked the attendants to take care of me. I laughed at his silliness in my heart because those people cared only for money; and it was useless to ask a favor from them. Besides am I not old enough to take care of myself? Ai, in retrospect, I was really a smart aleck back then!


I said: “Father, you can go.” He took a look out of the window, and said:
“Let me buy some tangerines for you. You stay here. Don’t move.” I saw that beyond the railings on the other side of the platform, there were a couple of vendors waiting for customers. To get to the other side, however, one must jump down and climb up to get to that side of the railway. Father was rather fat and it was no small feat for him to get there. I wanted to go, but he wouldn’t allow me. so I had no choice but to let him go. I saw him with a black cap on his head, in a black jacket and a dark blue turquoise cotton padded robe, stumble to the railway and slowly make his way down, which wasn’t too difficult. But after he crossed the railway and tried to climb up onto the platform on the other side, it was not easy. His hands clung to the top, legs contracted up, his overweight body tilted to the left, as he painstakingly pulled himself up. Looking at his back, my tears flowed. I rushed to wipe away the tears, afraid of being seen by him, or by any others.

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