英语幽默

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Letters From Sons

Two men in the college were talking about their sons. “My son's letters always send me to the dictionary,” said one man.

“Then you are quite lucky,” said the other. “My son's letters always send me to the bank.”

　

A “Hero”

Journalist: Why did you jump into the river to save that boy?

Hero: I had to do so, because he was wearing my coat.

　

I Thought It Was Mine

Husband: Oh, dear! Someone stole my wallet.

Wife: What? Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?

Husband: Yes, but… but I thought it was mine.

　

A Real Man

Mr. Smith: Oh, God! I left my wallet under the pillow. What shall I do?

His friend: Don't worry. Your maid is an honest woman, isn't she?

Mr. Smith: Yes, But she will give it to my wife.

　

The Name

The doctor said to the nurse, “Go and ask the patient what his name is, so that we can inform his parents.”

After a while, the nurse came back and said, “the patient said that his parents know his name.”

　

A Silly Husband

One morning Mrs. Perry said to her husband, “Jack, there's a meeting of our ladies' club at Mrs. Young's House at lunch time today, and I want to go to it. I'll leave you some food for your lunch. Is that all right?”

“Oh, yes,” her husband answered, “that's quite all right. What are you going to leave for my lunch?”

“This tin of fish,” Mrs. Perry said,” And there are some cold boiled potatoes and some beans here, too.”

“Good.” Then Mrs. Perry went to her meeting. All the ladies had lunch at Mrs. Young's house, and at three o' clock Mrs. Perry came home.

“Was your fish nice, Jack?” she asked.

“Yes, but my feet are hurting,” he answered.

“Why are they hurting?” Mrs. Perry asked.

“Well, on the tin it was written-OPEN THE TIN AND STAND IN HOT WATER FOR FIVE MINUTES.”

　

Let me Have It

A little boy went to the dentist as he had a terrible toothache, The dentist checked his teeth and decided to pull the bad tooth out When the operation was over, the boy asked the doctor to let him have that tooth.

“What do you want it for?” the dentist was surprised. “I am going to take it home, fill it with sugar and watch it ache.” The boy said with all sincerity.

　

What Do You Need Most?

“Now, Madam,” said the salesman after showing his company's products, “What do you need most at home now?”

“Money, sir,” the woman said with no hesitation.

　

Meat for the Dog

After the family had finished their dinner in a restaurant, father called over the waiter. “My son has left quite a lot of meat on the plate,” he said. “Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?”

“But, Dad,” shouted the son, “have we got a dog?”

　

I Have Stopped Drinking

A man always went to the same bar at the same time every day and asked for two glasses of beer. He drank them and then asked for two more.

One day the man behind the bar said to him, “Why do you always ask for two glasses of beer? Why don't you get one big glass instead?”

The man answered, “Because I don't like to drink alone. I drink with my friend.”

But a few days later the man came in and asked only for one beer.

“Oh,” said the barman, “has your friend died?”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “He is very well. This beer is for him. But I have stopped drinking beer. My doctor doesn't want me to drink any more because it is dangerous for me.”

　

The Clever Husband

Mr. and Mrs. Brown lived in a small house near London with their child. Sometimes Mrs. Brown came back from work very late, when his wife and child were asleep, and then he opened the front door of his house with his key and came in very quietly.

But one night when he was coming home late, he lost his key, so when he reached his house, he rang the bell. Nothing happened. He rang it again. Again nothing happened “—” nobody moved inside the house. Mr. Brown knocked at the bedroom window, he spoke to his wife, he shouted, but she did not wake up. At last he stopped and thought for a few seconds. Then he began to speak like a child. “Mother!” he said, “I want to go the lavatory!” He spoke quite quietly but at once Mrs. Brown woke up. Then he spoke to her, and she opened the door for him.

　

The Effective of Advertisement

Some businessmen were talking about advertising on TV excitedly. As none of them had ever done it before, every one had his point of view. At this moment, Mr. Grey came by. Grey was a car dealer and he had once made an advertisement.

“What are you talking about?” Mr. Grey asked.

“Does advertisement work or not?” one of the businessmen asked.

“Oh, yes, it works very fast,” Mr. Grey said. “I once advertised for my watch-dog and offered a reward of $ 100.”

“Did you get the dog back?”

“No, but that very night three of my cars were stolen.”

　

“A Sponge”

“I had an operation,” said a man to his friend, “and the doctor left a sponge in me.”

“That's terrible!” commiserated the friend. “Got any pain?”

“Nah—but I do get thirsty!”

　

Why Was He Fired?

Boss: Go to my office and get this week's pay. You are fired.

Worker: But why? I haven't done anything?

Boss: That's why you are fired.

　

Doing Shopping Too Early

It was Christmas Day but the judge was still very busy in the court. He was now questioning a prisoner.

“What are you charged with?” he said.

“Doing my Christmas shopping too early,” replied the prisoner in a sad voice.

“That's no offence,” said the judge. “How early were you doing your shopping, then?”

“Before the shop opened,” was the prisoner's answer.

　

Nineteen or Thirty-eight?

A secretary was telling her office mates about her birthday party.

“You should have seen the cake,” she boasted. “It was marvelous. There were nineteen candles——one for each year.”

“Nineteen candles,” meowed a colleague. “What did you do, burn them at both ends?”

　

When Do We Start?

An angry drunk was shouting at the police station.

“What I want to know is—what was I brought in for?”

“You were brought in for drinking,” replied the sergeant.

“That's marvelous,” said the drunk. “When do we start?”

　

Bouncing Up and Down

Nurse: Will you bounce up and down on your bed please, sir?

Patient: Why, nurse?

Nurse: I forgot go shake the bottle before giving you the medicine.

　

He Said Nothing

Mother: “What did your father say when he saw his broken glasses?”

Son: “Shall I leave out the swear-words, Mother?”

Mother: “OK,”

Son: “Then I don't think he said anything.”

　

American Way of Life

Brown: John, would you lend me fifty dollars if I asked you?

John: Why, yes, I suppose so.

Brown: All right, then, lend me fifty, but just give me twenty-five of it.

John: O.K. But why?

Brown: Then you'll owe me twenty-five, and I'll owe you twenty-five, and we'll be all square.

　

“Three Hims”

A woman had been very faithful in attending all her church's services for many years, and the minister wanted to reward her. At the next Sunday-evening service he announced, “For her loyalty to the church, we shall reward Miss Jones by letting her pick three hymns for the evening.”

“Oh, goody!” exclaimed Miss Jones. And, pointing to various members in the congregation, she said, “I'll take him and him”.

　

Teacher's Pest

It is June. The sun is in the sky. It is very hot. Josie is tired of school. She wants to be at the beach. She cannot sit in her seat. She cannot stop talking. While the teacher writes on the board, Josie gets up and talks to a friend. The teacher, Mr. Rula, hears the noise and says, “Josie, sit down and be quiet.” Josie sits down. Mr. Rula continues with he lesson. Josie gets up and talks to another friend. “Sit down and be quiet.” says Mr. Rula. He is very annoyed with her, Josie continues talking.

“O. K,” says Mr. Rula, “if you want to talk, then come to the front of the classroom and be the teacher.”

“All right.” Agrees Josie. She comes to the front of the classroom and says, “Quiet, everyone. I am the new teacher, and I say ‘class dismissed.'”

　

I Want Two Cakes

Mother: Do you want a cookie, Pierre? Do you want a cookie, Pierre?

Pierre: Yes, Mum.

Mother: Why must I ask you twice?

Pierre: Because, Mum, I want two cookies.

　

Let Them Go

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think you can handle it?”

“No problem!” the applicant replied, “If they don't behave, I'll let them go!”

　

Computer Humor

"I asked my dad where babies come from. He says you download them from the

Internet."

"Whenever something goes wrong, I just push this little Reset button and

restart. I wish my whole life was like that!"

　

The Organization

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at

different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The

monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ass holes.

　

Pig

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig.

The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs.Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs.Johnson."

　

 

Psychiatrist's Secretary

"In my office, I just can't win!" lamented the psychiatrist's secretary.

"If I come to work early, I'm anxious. If I'm on time, I'm compulsive. If I'm late, I'm hostile..."

　

Department-store Automatic Answering Machine

"If you are calling to order or send money, press 5."

"If you are calling to register a complaint, press 64-59834822955392."

"Have a good day."