原著：Emily Waters 译者：-韩嫣-

9. In Search of Epiphanies
9.求索中顿悟

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. Hermione, Ron, Severus and Hugo ate lunch together, with Hugo ignoring both his parents, terrorizing Severus, demanding to see his Dark Mark. Severus did his best to scowl, and even made a sinister face, but the harder he tried, the more mirth followed from Hugo. Eventually, Severus decided to concede defeat, and rolled up his sleeve.
下午余下的时光过得很快。赫敏，罗恩，西弗勒斯和雨果共进了午餐，其间雨果全然忽视了他的父母，纠缠着西弗勒斯，要看他的黑魔标记。西弗勒斯尽力沉下脸，甚至做出凶恶的神态，但他越是致力于去制止那孩子的好奇心，雨果就越高兴。最终，西弗勒斯只好俯首称臣，卷起他的袖子给那孩子看。
Hugo looked at the Dark Mark in absolute awe, licking his fingers and rubbing it, and then, scratching it with his fingernails, in diligent attempt to erase it. Smirking, Severus glanced at Hermione Granger, who looked absolutely mortified.. For his part, Severus was not sure what amused him more, the boy's attempts at removing his Dark Mark, or Hermione's obvious dread at his behavior.
雨果带着绝对敬畏的眼神看向黑魔标记，用手指轻触，摩拭，继而用指甲去挠，好像奋力想要把那标记去除似的。西弗勒斯笑了，眸光扫了一眼赫敏格兰杰，她看起来简直苦恼透了……于他本人而言，西弗勒斯并不确定是什么给了他更多娱乐，是男孩除掉他黑魔标记的企图，还是赫敏对儿子行为显而易见的担忧。
In the early evening, the four of them prepared dinner together. Even Hugo was helping, standing on a chair by the sink, washing vegetables, and splattering water all over himself, and whoever happened to be nearby, delivering the splashes with stunning precision. In those several hours, a single phrase crossed his mind: It was worth it. Merely catching a glimpse of ordinary human life, even if it was not his own, but someone else's, made it all worthwhile: his life as a spy, with lost friendships, the twisting and fracturing of his own soul, killing his mentor and benefactor, and even his current predicament, meant almost nothing in the light of goodness that was right in front of him, at this very moment.
傍晚时分，他们四个准备共进晚餐了。连小雨果都在帮忙，站在水槽边的一个椅子上洗菜，结果水全以惊人的准确度四散飞溅在了他自己和身边人身上。在这几小时中，一个简单的语句在他脑海中划过：这是值得的。仅仅是得以看到正常生活的短短一瞬，即使这并不属于他，只是别人的，也一样令一切付出物有所值：做为间谍渡过一世，伴随着友谊的流逝，已然将他的灵魂扭曲碾碎，加之杀死他的恩人和导师，以及他如今的处境，一切仿佛昭示着神的光辉永难在他前方凝集，在这样特殊的时刻他想。
Just as Hugo and Ron started setting the table for dinner, Harry Floo'd in from his workplace at the Ministry. He hugged Hermione, shook hands with Ron, and, when Hugo rushed to him, lifted him in his arms.
当雨果和罗恩开始落座加入晚餐，哈利从他魔法部的办公室飞路过来。他抱了抱赫敏，和罗恩握了握手，而当雨果冲向他，那双手臂抱起了小男孩。
Hugo and Harry began an arm-wrestling match on the floor of the living room, with Harry letting himself be beaten every single time, to Hugo's absolute delight.
雨果和哈利正在起居室的地板上进行一次臂摔跤比赛，哈利每次都把自己搞输以搏雨果开心
At one point, Hermione and Ron retreated upstairs for a bit, leaving Harry to play with Hugo, and Severus, to fend for himself in the kitchen. The kitchen was half-open to the living room, and Severus could see everything that was going on there. As soon as his parents were gone, Hugo started badgering Harry, while Severus listened in silence, and watched the interaction out of the corner of his eye.
某刻，赫敏和罗恩向楼上退了退，留哈利和雨果玩耍，而西弗勒斯，自我保护地呆在厨房。起居室与厨房间的门半掩着，西弗勒斯可以在那儿看到一切的发展。父母一走，雨果就开始纠缠哈利，西弗勒斯静静听着，并在视线的角落中观看着他们的互动。
“Uncle Harry!” Hugo demanded “When is baby Al coming back? And Kreacher?”
“哈利叔叔！”雨果问道“阿尔宝贝什么时候回来？还有克利切？”
Harry hugged Hugo tightly. “I don't know,” he said gently, planting a kiss on the top of the boy's blond head. “It might be a while.”
哈利紧紧地抱着雨果。“我不知道，”他温柔的说，轻轻在男孩稚嫩的发尖印下一吻。“这或许要过一段时间。”
“Where did they go?” Hugo demanded.
“他们去哪儿了？”雨果又问。
“They did not say where,” Harry answered, crouching on the floor next to Hugo. “But, I do know that they went on a long private vacation somewhere. Aunt Ginny, Baby Al, and Kreacher, the three of them together.”
“他们没说去哪儿，”哈利答道，附身坐在雨果身边的地板上。“但是，我知道他们正在某处进行一次长长的私人度假。金妮阿姨，阿尔宝贝，以及克利切，他们三个在一起。”
“Why did they go without you?” Hugo demanded. “Why won't mom and dad tell me?”
“那为什么他们不和你一起去呢？”雨果好奇。“为什么爸爸妈妈不告诉我？”
Harry looked into Hugo's eyes intently. “Well, Hugo,” he said quietly, “Sometimes, adults do very scary things. Sometimes they hurt each other, or frighten each other. And, when you frighten or hurt your friends really, really badly, your friends might decide to go on a very long vacation without you.”
哈里专心地凝视雨果的眼眸。“那，雨果，”他平静地说，“有些时候，大人做了些可怕的事，有时他们伤害了彼此，或是彼此争斗。而当你真的将自己的朋友伤得非常，非常重，那你的朋友也许就会决定离开你去进行一次长长的旅行度假。”
Hugo stared back at him, absorbing the information. “Did you hurt Aunt Ginny?” Hugo asked pitifully.
雨果也盯着他，消化着语言中的信息。“你伤害金妮阿姨了吗？”雨果带着怜悯问道。
“I don't think so,” Harry told him. “But I am certain I frightened her terribly.”
“我并不这么认为，”哈利告诉他。“但我确定我把她吓得很严重。”
Hugo sniffled and tugged Harry's sleeve. “Like on Halloween?”
雨果抽了抽鼻子拉住哈利的袖子。“就像万圣节？”
“Yes,” Harry said under his breath, and his body appeared to be frozen as he spoke. “Kind of like that.”
“是的，”哈利屏住呼吸答道，他的身体在他说话时仿佛冻住了一样“有点像那样。”
Hugo's voice grew more and more plaintive. “Can't you just say you are sorry?”
雨果的声音变得越来越悲伤。“你不能表达你的歉意吗？”
“No,” Harry said with surprising firmness. “You should only say you are sorry if you are going to change your behavior. If you are not, you shouldn't even bother with the words.”
“不，”哈里带着令人惊异的强硬答道。“只有你决定改变自己的行为时才能去说抱歉。如果你还没准备好这样做，你就不该轻易讲出这样的语句。”
Hugo considered the information briefly, and then changed the subject. “Professor Severus Snape lives with you now?”
雨果简单地考虑了一下这条信息，然后就转换了话题。“西弗勒斯·斯内普教授现在和你住在一起？”
“He lives with me now,” Harry confirmed, a little reluctantly.
“他现在的确与我同住，”哈利略带勉强地证实。
“Did you notice he has a mark on his head?” Hugo whispered conspiratorially. “Just like you.”
“你发现他额头上有一个标记了吗？”雨果偷偷问道。“就像你一样。”
“Yes,” Harry whispered in kind, with absolute seriousness. “I noticed.”
是的，哈利以一种和蔼而无疑认真的语调轻声说。“我注意到了。”
“What does it mean?” Hugo asked, still whispering loudly.
“那是什么意思？”雨果问道，仍以一种意图压低的高音量表达着。
“Well,” Harry mused. “That mark of his simply means that, if I frighten Severus, he won't go away on vacation. He'll always be with me.”
“好吧，”哈利若有所思地说。“他的这个标记仅仅意味着，如果我吓唬西弗勒斯，他不会离开我去度假。他会永远同我在一起。”
If those words had been meant to be heard by Severus and send a chill down his spine, they surely achieved their effect, but he betrayed no sign of it. It was second nature to him to suppress his instinctive emotional reactions, absorb information, and file it away for further review. He did the same this time, holding his body absolutely relaxed, and his breathing measured and steady, even as he listened to the conversation next door, strangely horrifying in its simple cruelty.
如果这些话是故意让西弗勒斯听到以令他毛骨悚然的，那它们无疑起到了这样的作用。但他并没有露出任何痕迹。于他而言压抑本能情绪的产生已成为第二天性，他借此吸收信息，并对其进行深入查探 。这次他依然这么作，保持他的身体完全放松，令呼吸规律而稳定，即使他倾听着门外的对话，捕捉到简单的残酷中那诡异的令他恐惧的部分。
Hermione and Ron came back from upstairs, and everyone sat down to dinner. They were quiet at first, and the atmosphere was just a little more charged than summer sky before a spectacular thunderstorm. Fortunately, Hugo came to the rescue, throwing a couple of peas at Harry's face, and once again, Severus admired the boy's aim, if only privately. Harry laughed and retaliated, a quick food fight erupted between the two of them, lifting everyone's spirits.
赫敏和罗恩从楼上下来，所有人都坐下进餐。一开始餐桌上很安静，而气氛就好像夏日暴风雨前的天空一样。幸运的是，雨果缓和了这情况扔了几颗豆子到哈利脸上，哈利笑着还击，一场快速的食物大战在这两人间火热展开，提起了大家的兴致。
Shortly after dinner, Hugo went up to his room to play. Severus began tidying up the kitchen, almost automatically, but continuing to watch everything that was occurring in the living room, and listen.
晚餐后不久，雨果回到他的屋子里玩耍。西弗勒斯开始整理厨房，家务几乎已经是自动化完成的，但西弗勒斯依然继续观察并聆听起居室中发生着的一切。
Harry wandered out into the living room area, and stood before the fireplace, his eyes fixed on a single Muggle acoustic guitar, placed on a sturdy guitar-stand. Harry lifted it off, and sat in one of the arm-chairs, strumming the instrument absently. Ron and Hermione sat on the couch across from him.
哈利漫步外面的客厅，站在壁炉前，他的眼睛盯上一个麻瓜木吉他，吉他正放在一个坚固的立架上。
“Remember we were going to form our own band, and be famous like the Weird Sisters?” Ron asked.
“还记得我们曾想要组成我们自己的乐队，并成为像命神姐妹那样出名的组合吗？”罗恩问道。
“Yeah,” Harry said absently, hugging the guitar.
“当然，”哈利心不在焉地说着，抱起吉他。
“Whatever happened to all that?”
“那一切究竟发生了什么？”
“Well, things don't always work out like you plan,” Harry said, looking down.
“奥，事情并不总是如你所计划的一样发生，”哈利说道，向下看着。
“I guess,” Ron said. “So... written any new songs lately?”
“我猜，”罗恩说。“那……之后你有些什么新歌吗？”
Harry muttered something spiteful and unfriendly.
哈利恶毒而不善地嘀咕着什么。
“Play it,” Ron said.
“弹一弹吧，”罗恩劝道。
“Nah. It's dumb.”
“呐，这是无声的。”
“No doubt. Play it anyways.”
“没问题。随意来一首吧。”
Harry shook his head, as if to deny the request, but his fingers were already running across the strings again, making a melody emerge. The tune was very simple and unassuming, and it seemed like it could have been a peaceful and happy song. But then, to Severus' surprise, Harry started humming to the melody, and finally, sang, his voice quietly ringing with a remarkable sadness:
哈利摇了摇头，好像要拒绝请求似的，但他的手指已然划过了琴弦，令旋律随之浮现。这支曲子是很简单的，不事张扬，看起来像它可能是一个和平，快乐的歌。但是，令西弗勒斯吃惊的是，当哈利开始哼唱的旋律，最后，歌曲随着他的声音渐渐地转变成一种惊人的的悲伤：
I thought, once the war was over,
That nothing would be amiss,
That nothing could ever shatter
The light, and life, and peace.
我以为，一旦战争结束，
一切不幸都将湮灭，
再没有什么能动摇
光明，生命，和平。
And yet, a sorrow lingers,
And turning into dust,
Victory slips through my fingers,
And daylight does not last.
然而那悲伤徘徊，
化为尘埃，
胜利滑过我的指尖，
而白昼不再持续。
The evening sky is reddened,
Then darkness scatters across,
Like ashes of Armageddon,
It covers the dreamless earth.
傍晚的天穹泛着血红，
紧承着黑暗弥散，
就像末日的灰烬，
它湮没了梦土。
I know something is missing,
some small and intangible grace,
A talk that never has happened,
A meeting that never took place.
我知道缺失了什么，
一些小而无形的美好，
这儿从未发生过交谈，
亦从未迎来过会见。
When morning comes, on my own,
I search for something long lost,
And then, once again, I alone
Go wait for you at King's Cross.
当清晨来临于我，
我求索些久违的什么，
而后，再一次，我郁郁独行
在国王十字等待你的降临。
You won't be there - I know,
And still, I go and wait,
Perhaps, a year too early,
Perhaps, a day too late.
你不会在那儿 - 我知道，
而我，仍等待，
或许，一年为时过早，
抑或，一天亦为时已晚。
The song ended abruptly, and silence followed. Finally, Hermione spoke out, to ask, with a tremor in her voice:
这首歌突然结束，而沉默紧随其后。终于，赫敏说话了，要问些什么，她的声音却在颤抖：
“Harry.... what is this song about? Can you tell me?”
“哈利……你能不能告诉我，这首歌唱的是什么？”
“I don't know, 'Mione,” Harry murmured, still strumming the guitar, playing random notes. “I only know that something that should have happened, didn't... Don't know what. Don't know when. It should have happened at King's Cross, though. I am almost sure of it.”
“我不知道，敏，”哈利喃喃，仍拨弄着吉他，随意扣动音符。“我只知道有些事本该发生并没有……我根本不知道那是什么。不知道什么时候。尽管我知道，那事该发生于国王十字。我几乎确定那个。”
“Why King's Cross, do you think?” Hermione prodded gently.
“为什么是国王十字车站，你觉得有原因吗？”赫敏轻声询问。
“Don't know,” Harry whispered. “Just that... every year, around this time, I feel like I should go there. Feel like I should have met someone there, and didn't.”
“不知道，”哈利轻声道。“只是……每年这段时间，我都觉得自己应该去那儿。感觉就像我应该去那儿见某个人，但并没能碰见。”
“Who do you figure?” Ron asked.
“你指的是谁？”罗恩问道。
“I don't know!” Harry said again, despair beginning to mount in his voice. “Didn't you hear me? I don't know!”
“我不知道！”哈利又一次说，绝望开始自他的声音中显现出来。“你没听我说吗？我不知道！”
“So... did you ever you go?” Hermione asked. “To King's Cross, that is?”
“那……你去过吗？”赫敏问道。“去国王十字车站，去那儿？”
“Yeah,” Harry muttered. “I did. I do. Every year, around this time. Usually the entire first week of May, I don't do much of anything else... just ... you know... got to King's Cross, sit there, and wait. Just wait for someone to show up, and I don't even know who...or why....” Harry's voice trailed off, and he took a deep breath. “Pretty crazy, huh?”
“当然，哈利喃喃低语。我当然去过。每年，这段时间，时常是刚进入五月的第一周，我不太做别的什么事……只是……你知道……去国王十字车站，坐在那儿，等。只等某个人出现，甚至我不知道那会是谁……或者为何……”哈利的声音逐渐变了，他深吸了一口气。“很疯狂，啊哈？”
“Completely mental,” Ron confirmed quietly. “So I'm guessing it must be rather important.”
“完全是精神上的需求，”罗恩悄悄地证实。“所以我才那一定非常重要。”
Harry issued a strained chuckle,and placed the guitar back on its stand. “Maybe this year it'll be different,” he muttered. “Maybe this year, someone will show up.....explain my entire life to me... fix me up, and we will all go back to normal.”
哈利一声假笑，将吉他放回架子上。“也许今年会不一样吧，”他喃喃。“也许今年，那个人会出现……向我解释我的整个人生……帮我调整状态，我们也都能回归正常的生活。”
Severus glanced in the direction of the room, and saw that Hermione and Harry embraced. He heard her sniffle quietly. “Oh Harry... what are we going to do with you?”
西弗勒斯向室内看去，看到赫敏和哈利拥抱着。他听到赫敏轻声抽着鼻涕。“哦哈利……我们该拿你怎么办？”
He laughed unhappily. “Hermione... honestly. What CAN you do with me?”
他不带愉悦地笑起来。“赫敏……说实话。你又‘能’对我做什么呢？”
Suddenly wordless, Hermione just hugged him tightly. Then Ron spoke up, quietly and seriously:
一刻无语，赫敏只是紧紧地抱着他。之后罗恩接过话头，语音平静而严肃。
“Harry... mate.. you know that we love you, right?”
“哈利……伙计……你知道我们爱你，对吧？”
“Yeah,” Harry agreed instantly. “I honestly have no idea why, and most days, I don't even know what love is anymore. But I know that you do.”
“是的，”哈利立即确认。“我确实不知道为什么，而大多数日子里，我甚至在也体会不到爱的意义。但我知道你们爱我。”
Another long pause followed, and Hermione spoke again:
另一个长长的沉默紧随而至，而赫敏再一次开口了：
“Well, Harry... your room is ready... get some rest. I'll put Sna... Severus on the couch.”
“那么，哈利……你的房间已经收拾好啦……去休息一下。我会带斯内……西弗勒斯去沙发休息。”
“Nah,” Harry whispered. “I'll take the couch. He can have the bedroom.”
“哪哈，”哈利轻声说。“我去睡沙发。让他睡卧室吧。”
“Are you sure?” Ron asked. “You have to work tomorrow...”
“你确定？”罗恩问道。“你明天还要工作……”
“It's fine,” Harry said. “Honestly, Ron. I .... like the couch. It's .. like the old days, you know. At the Burrow...”
“没问题，”哈利答道。“说实话，罗恩。我喜欢睡沙发。那……就像从前的日子，你知道。在藏身处的时候……”
Hermione and Ron said good night to Harry, then stopped by the kitchen to wish good night to Severus as well. They headed upstairs afterwards, and Severus emerged from the kitchen to walk to the guest bedroom.
赫敏和罗恩和哈利道了晚安，之后也在厨房停步和西弗勒斯道了晚安。他们径直上楼，西弗勒斯则走出厨房走向客房。
Harry nodded to him with the faintest, mirthless smile on his lips. On an impulse, Severus stepped towards him, and took a close, careful look at Harry's face. Even in the dusk of the room, it was evident that his features were distorted with agony. He was biting his lip furiously, as if attempting to subdue some words that were almost ready to escape.
哈利唇角带着不甚愉悦笑容抖了抖。一时冲动之下，西弗勒斯便向哈利走去，并小心而专注地凝视哈利的容颜。即使室内漆黑一片他的表情仍可被轻易分辨出显然的痛苦扭曲。他拼命地咬着嘴唇，好像在防止某些语句从唇角溢出似的。
Severus surveyed him calmly. “I can see, Mr. Potter, from that pained expression of yours, that you are dying to say those three magic words of remorse, and yet, believe you mustn't, lest you give me some measure of false hope for the future.”
西弗勒斯平静地打量着他。“我看得出来，波特先生，从你痛苦的表情看来，你太想说出那三个带有魔力的怜悯词汇了，然而，显然你不能，至少你给了我一些方法来伪造未来的希望。”
“Something like that,” Harry said.
“就是那样，”哈利说着。
Severus shrugged. “Well, for what it's worth, if it makes you feel better for the night, you have my blessing to say them; and I will promise not read too much into them.”
西弗勒斯耸了耸肩。“好吧，如果那有作用，能让你今晚感觉好一点，那你得到了我的祝福；我不会过度理解它们。”
Harry winced at his words noticeably. “Thank you for the offer,” he said softly, but added nothing else.
哈利的话语显然带着退避。“谢谢你的祝福，”他柔声说道，但不再说些别的什么了。
Severus nodded curtly.
西弗勒斯草草点点头。
Harry bowed his head, as he continued to smile bitterly. For a few fleeting moments, he looked like a scared teenager again, defiant and vulnerable at once; and then, unexpectedly, a single tear left Harry's eye, and ran down his cheek. Severus followed the course of it with his gaze, sternly reminding himself that it meant nothing; but of course, for that moment alone, it meant everything.
哈利低头，嘴角依然含着苦涩的微笑。就在那一刻，他又一次看起来像被吓坏的少年，片刻间自大而脆弱；之后，一滴未曾料到的泪滴流出他的眼眸，坠在面颊。西弗勒斯看着这一切发生，苛刻地提醒自己这并不算什么;但当然，在那独自一人的时刻，这意味着太多。
And then, the urge to respond became irresistible. Lifting his bruised, punished hand, Severus wiped that solitary tear from Harry's face. Harry froze at his touch, but did not flinch away.
而后，安慰男孩的冲动变得不可抗拒。抬起他伤痕累累被处罚过的手，西弗勒斯拭去了哈利面颊那滴孤零零的泪。哈利在他的触碰下僵住了，但却不再退缩。
For a few seconds they stood in absolute silence, saying nothing, and not even moving.
有那么几秒钟，他们就以绝对的沉默站在那儿，一言不发，甚至不动。
Eventually, Harry shook his head furiously, as if snapping out of a daze, and walked away. Severus turned around and went to sleep in the guest bedroom. The air in the room carried aroma of fresh cotton and lilies, and drifting off, Severus realized he could not remember a smell more pleasant, or more peaceful.
最终，哈利猛地摇了摇头，好像要把呆滞的情绪甩掉一样，走了。西弗勒斯转身去客房休息。房间里的空气携带新鲜棉花和百合的香气，流转飘动，西弗勒斯意识到他已经不记得有比这更舒适，更宁静的味道了。

...To Be Continued...
待续……