ENG2D1--Final personal essay

                               By Ceginna Shi

I have this complicated feeling towards American TV series. I watch them, love them and am inspired by them. On the other hand, I criticize them, hate them and am aware of the impact, sometimes negative one, they have.

The very first time I got to know about TV series was when I was at the age of 12. Growing up in a typical Chinese family with a perfect childhood, I went into middle school with hardly any knowledge about the real world outside of school. In a middle school like mine, everyone was the best of the best; personalities collided and people got hurt. Being arrogant and stubborn at the time, I was unable to deal with advices and critics. As a result, I barely have any friend. My trip to the States during winter vacation of grade 7 changed my life. The first contact with American pop culture in some way curved my perspective of the world. I realized that social skills matters.

No matter how stupid it sounds, I truly craved popularity at the time. Started from the book <Twilight> I brought back from the States, American TV series, movies and music came into my sight. The first thing American TV series taught me was the definition of ‘cool’. With the new knowledge, I felt the need of setting up a new image of me. American TV series, especially ones about high school, deliver the message that schoolwork is not ‘cool’; and being ‘cool’ is everything.

Throughout the year of Grade 8 I was lost in finding who I am. It was, and still is, my belief that the most important thing is being who you are. But at the time I didn’t realize I wasn’t even clear of myself at the time. My grades kept falling and my parents were called to the office once in a while. But despite that I was feeling great. I had made a few really close friends who understood me and got my back. With them, I broke rules, ditched extra classes and pursued the freedom that seemed so far away, and felt like the cool girl in American TV series. The thrills and excitement of breaking free couldn’t be described with words. And I was addicted to those feelings, feelings of being cool.

Then the final year of middle school came and everyone was busy with the coming big exam that seemed to determine rest of their lives. I couldn’t afford to lose. I felt I need to get into the best high school, since I was from the best middle school. I panicked and cried and almost collapsed under pressure. But I couldn’t stop doing what I did—ditching classes and handing in blank homework. I couldn’t afford to lose my ‘cool’ image as well. Even so, among my friends I still had the highest scores, which were about average in the class. But it was not good enough. To get into the dream school, I needed to be on top. I simply couldn’t see a future without being in that high school, and the fact I probably won’t make it was killing me.

Something changed in the second semester of the final year. My parents decided to send me aboard. This decision turned my life around. Moreover, I was able to see clearly from the outside. Without having to fight in the war, I could relax and finally grow up.

American TV series was one of the main reasons I went through this. However, I couldn’t blame them. Instead, I wanted to thank them. They may mislead me at the time I was young, immature and naïve, but they gave me an unforgettable experience. Through those years I was down and lost, but I also was happy and lucky for finding true friends that companied me in that rebellious and reckless year. That was what youth is all about; a loss of innocence, a hit to the ground; rebel, risk-taking, free; falling, learning; go through it, move on and finally find who you really are.

Now when I look back, those years were the happiest days of my life. I was able to laugh without concerns and watch TV series secretly using my laptop in bed all night. I never have chance to do any of those with the emotions I had before anymore. I still watch American TV series now. But I couldn’t admire the pretty girls with a little bit of jealousy anymore; all I can see are the shallowness and boring plot. And sometimes, I find that pathetic.