A group of sociology students were recently asked the following question in class: “From what you know about marriage and divorce, would you discourage a fellow Calvin College student from getting married before s/he graduates? Would it make any difference if it were you or your daughter/son?” What follows are two representative student responses. The names have been withheld by request.

The question of marriage before graduation from an undergraduate institution is a difficult as well as problematic one. If I were approached by an individual who wished to become married before he or she graduated, I would highly recommend not doing so. I would make this decision on the basis of personal beliefs as well as statistical facts.

To begin, the marriage and divorce rate in the United States is higher than in any other country in the world. According to Eshleman, in a study done in 1994, almost 21 divorces occurred out of 1,000 marriages. Another problem is that this rate has been steadily rising since the National Center for Health Services began taking statistics on divorce.

After observing these statistics, one would ask, “What does this specifically have to do with individuals who were married in college?” The answer is that divorce rates peak in women under the age of 19, while in men it peaks before the age of 25. Both of these ages speak specifically of those in college or just out. These, in my opinion, are the key statistics pertaining to the marriage of individuals while in college.

The reasons for divorce in young people are many. According to Eshleman, immaturity and the inability to meet financial needs are two main reasons why divorce rates dramatically increase with young people of college age. Basically, though, the responsibilities of marriage are just too much for a 19- or 25- year-old to handle. This is the best statistical evidence as to why those in college should refrain from getting married before they graduate.

In addition to these empirical reasons, however, there are more practical reasons why marriage in college should be discouraged.

As a college student, I believe the main reason why students should not get married while in college is college itself. College is a time when an individual is trying to, first and foremost, achieve academic success. In my opinion, the added responsibilities of marriage would do nothing but decrease the ability to succeed in one’s education. Marriage takes time and commitment and one does not have either of these when one is attempting to balance studying as well as other college activities. Also, at least for me, college is a time when, if necessary, I can call my parents if I need something. I’ve already been told that when I choose to get married, the responsibility to support myself will be entirely my own. Too many students do not think about this. This seems to be the problem that the young woman in the Chimes article was upset about (“Calvin fails its married students” Oct. 1). She no longer had time to be a student. She had new responsibilities that she overlooked when choosing to marry.

Further, as Achtemeier states, many people, especially young people, get married because they think it will satisfy physical means and provide the emotional stability or physical needs they long for. This is also a reason why so many marriages among young people fail. They are blinded by the stereotype that marriage will magically make all their problems disappear. When marriage does not serve this purpose, divorce is an easy way out, especially in today’s society. Young people cannot see the reality of the responsibilities of marriage. Once again, it seems like the responsibilities of marriage are too much for the average college student to handle.

Finally, I believe my insight on this subject is correct due to practical knowledge of marriage. Although I would like to become married now, I also realize that it would be irresponsible. Unfortunately, the problem with reaching young people who are about to get married too young is that they think they are ready to take the next step and no one can tell them differently. This is also the reason why I would do all I could to disallow my child from getting married before graduation. I do not want a choice made on a whim to end up as nothing but another statistic.

One cannot serve two institutions

I would discourage a fellow Calvin student from getting married because marriage at this time in life would be a hindrance to education, it would stunt the development of personal identity and the lack of independence would be a strain on the marriage.

Right now is a time in our lives in which we have chosen to devote ourselves to expanding our education. The demands placed on us during these four years are rigorous, and they consume a majority of our time. In paying for this education and in choosing to attend this school we have devoted ourselves to an institution. This devotion and ambition to improve ourselves through education should be our primary concern.

Marriage is also an institution that deserves as much, and in all honesty, much more, of our devotion, time, energy and hard work than any other commitment that we could make. It would be next to impossible to simultaneously devote as much of ourselves as needed to both schooling and marriage between the ages of 17 and 22.

In addition to the responsibility of developing our formal education between these ages, we also have the responsibility to develop our identities, to find our own niches in society, to improve our weaknesses and to advance in our strengths. In this time of development and change, it is unfeasible to believe that one could find the person most suited to them when their own personality is undefined. As Smedes points out, “When we make a commitment to another person, we surrender two things vital to autonomous individuals. We surrender our freedom and we surrender our individuality.” In surrendering this freedom to explore our individuality, we would be defeating the purpose of this time that our society so graciously allots to us for these purposes.

As Smedes also suggests, because we are not the same person today as we will be tomorrow, it is a bold move to make any commitment. In some sense, we are expecting a very different self to keep the commitment tomorrow that we will make today. Although the positive and useful side to marriage is that it can give some permanence and stability to a person in the midst of change, it can be very harmful to a person who has a lot of change yet to do. The time of the most maturation in and unfolding of our personalities is during college, and because of this, this time period can be consumed with an unstable and lonely emotional state.

Although this is not the case with all students, this type of emotional state can be a precursor to the illusion that many young people believe. Achtemeier says that “[young people] view the matrimonial state as the magic solution to all their problems.

By getting married, they think, they will solve their personality conflicts with one another, or they will get away from home, or they will fulfill their physical and emotional needs. It is because of this common disillusion in a critical developmental stage that it is wise to advise waiting for marriage until a person is at least out of college.

Many couples are also under the false impression that by getting married, they will, as Achtemeier says, “automatically reach that approved status of ‘mature’ and ‘on their own.’” In reality, the average college student is quite financially and many times emotionally dependent. College is expensive and money is oftentimes scarce, even for one person. Because of the fact that a majority of parents discontinue their full financial support when their child marries, the couple has to begin to think about the expenses of two people, a household, and the possibility of having to support a child.

These expenses increase the likelihood of one partner being forced to “put his or her education on hold,” oftentimes permanently in order to work to pay for the mounting bills.

In summary, my advice to a fellow Calvin student, or especially to a child of my own, would be that the stresses of having to come to a full understanding of one’s own person, the financial and emotional strains of independence, and the frustration of attempting to balance devotion to two very important institutions is too much for a young person to attempt to conquer in one stage of life. It would be highly likely that they would become burnt out and unsatisfied with their marital decision.

I suggest that the most wise decision would be to patiently stretch out these burdens over a longer period of time by waiting to get married, so as to improve the quality of devotion that one person can dedicate to each task.