When Grateful Begins to Grate
   
      I know a woman who is a grateful wife . She has been one for years . In fact ,her gratitude has been as deep and constant as her affection .And together they have traveled a long ,complicated road .
       In the beginning ,this young wife was grateful to find herself married to a man who let her work . That was in 1964,when even her college professor said without a hint of irony that the young wife was “lucky to be married to a man who let her work .”People talked like that then .
       Later ,the wife looked around her at the men her classmates and friends had married and was grateful that her husband wasn’t threatened ,hurt, neglected, insulted __the multiple choice of the mid –sixties-by her job.
       He was proud .And her cup overran with gratitude .That was the way it was .
       In the late sixties when other ,younger women were having consciousness-raising groups, she was having babies and more gratitude.
       You see, she discovered that she had a Helpful Husband .Nothing in her experience had led her to expect this .Her mother was not married to one; her sister was not married to one ;her brother was not one.
       But at four o’clock in the morning ,when the baby carried and she was exhausted ,sometimes she would nudge her husband awake (wondering only vaguely how he could sleep) and ask him to feed the boy .He would say sure .And she would say thank you .
       The Grateful wife and the Helpful husband danced this same pas de deux for a decade .When the children were small and she was sick ,he would talk charge .When it was their turn to turn to carpool and she had to be at work early ,he would drive, If she was coming home late ,he would make dinner.
       All you have to do is ask ,he would say with a smile .
       And so she asked .The woman who had minded her Ps and Qs as a child minded her pleases and thank yous as a wife .Would you please put the baby on the potty ? Would you please stop at the store tonight for milk ? Would you please pick up Joel at soccer practice ? Thank you . Thank you . Thank you .
       It is hard to know when gratitude first began to grate on my friend. Or when she began saying please and thank you dutifully rather than genuinely.
      But it probably began when she was tired one day or night .In any case ,during the car-time between one job and the other , when she would run lists through her head ,she began feeling less thankful for her moonlighting job as household manager.
     She  began to realize that all the items of their shared life were stored in her exclusive computer .She began to realize that her queue was so full of minutiae that she had no room for anything else.
     The Grateful Wife began to wonder why she should say thank you when a father took care of his children and why she should say please say please when a husband took care of his house .
     She began to realize that being grateful meant being responsible. Being grateful meant assuming that you were in charge of children and laundry and running out of toilet paper. Being grateful meant having to ask. And ask. And ask.
     Her husband was not an oppressive or even thoughtless man. He was helpful. But helpful doesn’t have to remember vacuum cleaner bags. And helpful doesn’t ‘t keep track of early dismissal days .
     Helpful doesn’t keep a Christmas –present list in his mind .Helpful doesn’t have to know who wears what size and colors. Helpful is reminded; ;helpful is asked .Anything you ask .Please and thank you.
     The wife feels ,she says ,vaguely frightened to find herself angry at saying please and thank you .She wonders if she is ,indeed, an ingrate .But her wondering doesn’t change how she feels or what she wants.
     The wife would like to take just half the details that clog her mind like grit in a pore ,and hand them over to another manager. The wife would like someone who would be grateful when she volunteered to take his turn at the market ,or his week at the laundry.
     The truth is that after all those years when she danced her part perfectly, she wants something else. She doesn’t want a helpful husband .She wants one who will share .For that she would be truly grateful.

当感激开始变质

    我认识一个懂得感恩的妻子，她很多年来一直这样。事实上，她的感激之情一直就像她的爱那样深刻那样持久。这两种感情共同存在，经历了长久复杂的发展过程。
    起初，这个年轻的妻子很感激他，嫁了个让她工作的男人。那是在1 9 6 4年，甚至她的大学教授都用不带一丝讽刺的语气说这位年轻的女性很幸运“嫁了一位让她外出工作的男人”，那时人们是这样谈论的。
    后来，这个妻子观察了她的同学和朋友的丈夫，更加感激了，因为她的丈夫没有觉得她的工作是对他的威胁、伤害、忽视和侮辱，而六十年代中期的其他男人都有这样的种种想法。
    他觉得很自豪，她则觉得感激万分。当时的情况就是这样的。
    在六十年代后期，当其他更年轻的女人开始觉醒的时候，她已经有了孩子并且越来越感恩了。
    她发现她有一个乐于帮忙的丈夫。在以前的经历中她从来没有遇到过这种情况。她母亲的丈夫不是这样的，她姐姐的丈夫也不是这样的。她的弟弟本身也不是这样的人。
    但是在凌晨四点，当孩子哭闹而她又很疲惫的时候，她有时只好用胳脯肘轻轻推醒她的丈夫(心里有些奇怪在这种情况下他怎么还睡得着)并让他喂孩子吃东西，他会答应然后她就会说谢谢。
    心存感激的妻子和她乐于帮忙的丈夫就这样生活了十年就象跳着同样的双人舞。当孩子还小，她又生病的时候，他会承担家务。当合伙用汽车送孩子们上学的任务轮到他们，而她又要早上班的时候，他会去开车。当她回家晚了的时候，他会准备好晚餐。
    你所要做的事就是请求他做，而他则会微笑着答应。
    她就这样请求他做事。就像小孩讲礼貌，她现在作为妻子仍然讲礼貌，她对“请”  “谢谢”这些用语很在乎。你能把孩子尿吗?今天晚上请你到商店买点牛奶回来好吗?请你去是球训练场接一下乔伊好吗?谢谢，谢谢，谢谢。
    不知道什么时候这种感激惹火了我的朋友，或者她什么时候开始说请和谢谢是出于责任而不是出于真心。
    可能开始于某一天或某一晚她感到厌倦的时候吧。无论如何，在她坐车从…一份工作到另一份工作的时间内，她要在头脑中仔细盘算要做的事，这时候她就开始对她兼职当家务指挥者的工作没有那么感激了。
    她开始意识到他们家庭共同生活的所有事情都只存在于她一个人的脑海里，她开始意识到她的心思都放在了这些琐事上了以致于她没有精力去想其他事了。
    这个感激的妻子开始想知道当一个父亲照顾他自己的孩子的时候她为什么要说谢谢，当一个丈夫照顾他自己的家的时候她为什么要说“走”。
    她开始意识到感激就意味着负责任，感激就意味着你要负责照顾孩子，洗衣，要注意到洗手间里的卫生纸用完了，感激意味着你不得不请求对方做事。一而再，再而三地请。
    她的丈夫并不是一个压迫人的或者是没有思想的人，他很乐于帮忙，但是乐于帮忙并不需要记得去清理吸尘器，乐于帮忙也不需要记得什么时候是孩子提前放学的日子，乐于帮忙不要在脑中记得该给哪些人准备圣诞礼物．乐于帮忙也不需要知道其他人服饰的尺码和颜色．乐于帮忙是要别人提醒和请求的．做什么事都要别人发出请求。请你做的谢谢你。
    这个妻子说她感到有些害怕丁，因为她发现自己在请和谢谢时已经很生气了。她想知道自己是不是真的成了一个忘恩负义的人。但是这种想法也改变不了她的感觉和她想要的。
    这个女子只是想能何人分担一半她的家务，这些琐细的事就像砂子堵住毛孔一样堵塞了她的头脑，她想把它们交给另一个人管理。她希望当到她主动代替他去市场或去洗衣的时候，他能够感激她。
    事实是，在她多年来完美地做好她的那部分工作之后，她现在想要一些别的东西。她不需要一个乐于帮忙的丈夫．她想要的是的一个乐于和她分担的丈夫，这样她才会真正的感到感激。